Then he started again.
“Playing dumb are we Holl Doll? Think I’ll go away of you stay quiet? Well I’ll do all the talking. I learned a lot from your father. He told me what he did to women, he enjoyed that. He started young, he did, with his sister, Rebecca, that’s Monika to you in case you didn’t know. Gang banging he called it. Practising with his mates on the nearest thing available. He told me what they did to the women they came across in the war. He gave me all sorts of ideas of what to do to get pleasure out of a lump of flesh, dead or alive. Imaginative, your father was. Carry on playing dumb Holl Doll. I’ll just carry on doing what I want.”
And he did.
“It’d be in this room, before it got tarted up. Over there he’d sit and show me what he did. Every Sunday afternoon he’d get his prick out. Your Dad had a big prick Holl Doll. I told you that didn’t I? Knew what to do with it as well. Taught me a thing or two how to treat women. And men. I needed those Sundays. You were too soft and willing. Your Dad now, he was good, a bit of a challenge. I need a challenge.”
She didn’t move other then when he moved her, or when she had to because she couldn’t breathe for her face in the pillow. At times he would pull out of her and lie with his arms around her shoulders, in a mockery of a loving embrace. Whenever she moved he held on to her tighter, his fingers kneading into her flesh, preventing her from getting away.
Then he would talk, conversationally.
As if she wanted to listen.
“I followed you this afternoon, I watched your arse in that swingy little skirt as you walked along the path to your party. I got quite a hard on thinking what I’ve done to that arse. Why do people call it ‘making love’ Holl Doll? I’ve never ‘made love’ to you. I’ve fucked you and buggered you but I’ve never ‘made love’ to you. It was so fucking easy to get you to think I was ‘in love’ with you. You stupid bitch.
“I bet that wog has a good go at Linda. Wily Oriental Gentleman my arse. I bet he’s no gentleman when he’s got a little white girl between his legs. He’s probably on her now.”
She didn’t listen as he told her what he thought they would be doing, what he would be doing if it were him.
“I got used to having you available whenever I needed it. I didn’t think you’d have the guts to leave me though. I thought you’d managed to ditch that red-headed cow years ago. I really thought you wouldn’t leave me when you had nowhere to go. Then those interfering queers had me and Matt arrested. They thought they’d bought me off, chummy and that German poof, they made me sign papers that they were stupid enough to think I would take any notice of. As if they’d stop me if I wanted to see you again, Holl Doll, they weren’t worth the paper they were written on. I suppose they thought Croydon was far enough away from you doll. They arranged the house, a job and everything. They must have spent a fair few bob to get rid of me. But they made one big mistake. Know what that was doll?”
He didn’t wait for an answer, perhaps he knew he wasn’t going to get one.
“They were stupid. They thought I’d be bound by some idea of honour. So I let them spend all their money setting me up nicely and I played the good boy and let them think I was doing what they told me to do and all along I’d got this plan. Don’t you want to know what the plan was? No? Well this is it doll. I’m going to get something back for all my investment. I don’t want to think I’ve wasted the four years I’ve spent with you Doll. You wouldn’t have wanted me to waste all that time would you? You’ll have a lot of money one day Doll. Millions. And that would have been mine. Your dad fucked it up. He was supposed to get rid of the O’Dwyers, then I’d get rid of you. But the fucker got pissed and killed himself. It was funny really. It was already too late. Your fucking lawyers had made sure I couldn’t get a penny. I didn’t tell him though. He thought as long as it was all done while you were still married it’d be OK and he’d still get his cut. So he killed himself for nothing.”
Graham leant up on and put his arm across Holly’s throat and gradually put weight on it. He took his arm away from her neck, rolling on top of her so his face was inches from hers.
“There’s no point in killing you now Doll so you don’t need to be afraid. I’m just making the best of a bad job.”
He rolled off her and ran his fingers slowly down her body until they were amongst the moisture and warmth between her legs. “I need a bit of recovery time, this’ll have to do this time.”
“I’ve been following you, you know. I’ve kept an eye on you all through the Spring, watching you in Oxford with those twins. Did they have you at the same time? Now that’d have been fun to watch. Then wasn’t the time to let you know I was watching you. It wouldn’t be long before you’d know you hadn’t seen the last of me. I was just picking the right time. When you were happy. That would be the time to have you. I wanted you to be happy so I could show you. While I’m around you never will be. I’ve been following you, checking up on you, making sure you didn’t do anything I didn’t approve of. You’re still my wife and I wasn’t going to have you screwing around.
He stopped talking and looked down at her. She was lying with her eyes shut. “Open your fucking eyes bitch! Look at me when I’m talking to you.” She opened her eyes, trying not to see, but it seemed to satisfy him as he began to talk again in a conversational tone.
“I nearly went to the party, they couldn’t understand why I was paying for drinks while they would have been free round the corner. Nice car that shit Carl’s got isn’t it. Goes fast. Had difficulty keeping up even in my new van. Still, you had a lovely afternoon didn’t you? I’m glad you enjoyed yourself, both times.
Holly almost reacted, she almost lost the grip she had on herself not to make any move, not to say or do anything that would recognise that he was in her room, in her bed, in her. She was not going to let him know he was winning.
“Then you came back here. It’s been easy spying on you. You’ve never noticed the van parked outside have you? Tied up in your own little world, you’ve been. Haven’t noticed me watching you have you doll? Then that Sunday you went for a walk. I didn’t fancy it, too hot. So I came in here instead. I came in and lay in your sheets, went through your drawers, you always did keep all your pants neat and tidy didn’t you, even the ones you’d worn. I wanted you to lie in this bed and not know I’d come in your bed. I liked the idea of you fucking chummy on the same sheets. Not knowing. Now I want you to know.”
He turned her over and started again.
She had to keep her mind busy. She must not think about what he had said. She must not think about any of it.
She had to concentrate on other people. Monika. Think of Monika. She’d lived with this for years. How she must have suffered so much more than this one night. This was not a stranger, or her brother. Holly made herself remember that the man who was repeatedly raping her was a man she had willingly shared a bed with for nearly three years.
He was doing very little that he had not done many times before.
She tried to think of the sunshine and walking across the sands, but turned her mind from that as she didn’t want to think about Charles.
She thought about her work but it was better to concentrate on something small and insignificant. She pictured a keyboard and concentrated on each key in turn. ‘one, shift one is exclamation point; two, shift two is double inverted commas; three, shift three is pound sterling sign, in America the pound number sign… eff gee aitch jay … slash shift question mark’.
She found that if she focused on that she didn’t think what Graham was doing to her.
He could do what he liked with her body.
He was not going to do it to her head.
He left her as it was getting light.
After he had gone she got up, stripped her bed and pushed the sheets into a black plastic sack. She showered until the water ran cold.
She made herself look in the full length mirror. She didn’t look any different, he had not marked her badly. He had alwa
ys been clever that way. There were bruises on her shoulder where he had braced himself as he bore down on her but if she wore a shirt with sleeves for a few days no one would notice. Would anyone know what had happened by looking at her? She thought not. She would just have to keep away from Charles for a few days but that wouldn’t be a problem until Friday, by then she would be less sore. And any marks would have gone.
She just had to act as though nothing had happened.
And she nearly got away with it.
Chapter Thirty
We had a good week at work. Holly and I kept our distance, as we had the previous week, but I knew she was not unhappy with me as I would catch her looking at me and we’d smile at each other. She did seem a little withdrawn and quieter than usual. I hoped I hadn’t upset her, though I couldn’t think what I could have done. She had been perfectly happy when I had left her on Sunday night.
I asked Linda whether she noticed anything about Holly, whether she thought she was acting a little oddly. “Perhaps it’s that time of the month.”
“I hadn’t thought of that.” There was so much I had to learn about being close to a woman. I remembered my months in Cornwall, Dani had always become moody and irrational, she had tried to explain why. I hoped Holly would feel comfortable talking to me about it soon enough.
It seemed the obvious explanation when one minute she said she didn’t want me to go back to the flat after work that week and the next she asked if I would stay with her every night even though we had talked about this and agreed that we wouldn’t sleep together during the week. Then the next she wanted to stay with me at Sandhey, she said the flat was too stuffy. But we had talked about that too, and had decided it wouldn’t be a good idea, it was quite a full house with Susannah and the children.
So I stayed with her every night that week and, although we slept in the same bed and were physically very close, we didn’t make love. She always wore pants and a shirt, I never saw her naked. This seemed so odd as I had got used to her wandering about the flat with next to nothing on.
I had no idea how long these things could take so I didn’t ask her. Perhaps ten days was pretty average. In a week she seemed back to her normal self.
Every night after work we would either adjourn to the local with Linda or pile into the Daimler and drive to a pub in the country. Ramesh was getting into the habit of joining us most evenings even when he wasn’t actually working at our office, and we saw a lot of Susannah and Carl in the last weeks of the seemingly endless summer of ’76.
Holly and Linda would talk with Susannah while we men argued the finer points of the recent test series and the dire performances of the English team against the rampant West Indians. Ramesh happily recounted the events of the recent Old Trafford test and the humiliation of seeing England bowled out for 71 runs, ‘and that included 19 extras’ only for the West Indies to score 411. “Why don’t you all come to Old Trafford next Monday. It’s a Bank Holiday, the Roses match. Be my guests.”
“What? All of us?”
“Why not?”
We had a long day at the cricket in Manchester. Ramesh was the perfect host as he introduced us to his family.
Linda had had some worries that she would not understand Ramesh’s mother, but she soon discovered that, in many ways, the Kambli family’s English was far better than her own. Mrs Kambli spoke to us of her home in Bombay. “We are very lucky, we have a lovely apartment on Malabar Hill. We look across the bay to the Queen’s Necklace, that’s what we call the lights around Marine Drive, the road around the bay. It is an ugly, busy, noisy road to be on but it is truly beautiful at night from above.” She had then taken Linda’s arm and squeezed it in a very familiar way. “You will come to visit us I know. Ramesh will so enjoy showing you our home and our beautiful city.”
In the small box we were able to hear conversations that perhaps we should have ignored but I couldn’t help listening in as Linda and Ramesh whispered conspiratorially in the corner. I nudged Holly to listen too, but she seemed miles away.
“They are pushing you too quickly, I know, but they say I am getting older and if I don’t find a woman for myself they will have to do it for me. I think they have a cousin in mind but I am resisting. They have always said the choice is mine but perhaps I haven’t found someone quickly enough for them. Would you mind if I use you as a little camouflage? It’ll keep them from nagging me. You don’t have to read anything else into it. Unless, of course, you want to.”
He had sounded surprisingly diffident but I noticed Linda taking his arm before answering “As long as it’s not only camouflage it’s OK with me, for as long as you like.”
I believed his reply. “It is definitely not only camouflage.” I hoped Linda did too.
Holly had been quiet all day.
She hadn’t said a word as we drove down the East Lancashire Road towards Manchester, though I was probably driving too quickly she didn’t complain and didn’t tell me to slow down. She looked decidedly pale when she had the welcoming cup of coffee and didn’t eat any of the buffet that had been prepared for lunchtime. Perhaps the spices were too strong and the food too unusual.
She wasn’t as interested as I thought she should be in what was going on in the match and when I asked if she was OK she just said it was very hot and cricket wasn’t really anything she had ever known anything about. I tried to explain something of what was happening as Lancashire were bowled out with an hour to spare to hand victory to Yorkshire, but I got the impression she wasn’t listening.
She still hadn’t perked up when we got back to Sandhey, though it had been a long day and she had every reason to be tired. She wanted to go home as it was getting late but since Carl was due to go back to Cambridge after the Bank Holiday we all sat in the garden having the final drink of the summer.
I had thought it would be a sad occasion marking the end of an unforgettable summer when so much had gone right for us all. But Susannah didn’t seem depressed at the impending separation and I realised she had been very upbeat all day.
“I’m the last of us to reach 30. You were years ago Charles, but we’ve had Carl’s Crispin and Oliver’s and now mine all this year.”
“I’ve got a while to go.” Linda commented, I’m not 30 for 7 more years. God 1983! That’s nearly 1984!”
“Well anyway, as I was saying before being interrupted by the younger generation, 30 is a milestone and I’m marking it by moving to Cambridge. All five of us are moving to Cambridge to live with Carl.”
“About bloody time too!” Crispin got up and held out his hand to Carl which he shook as old friends do when they’re trying to hide their emotions. Oliver clumsily hugged Susannah and took his turn to shake Carl’s hand and then the children were ushered into the garden by their nanny. “They’ll be a handful. They’ll take a lot of looking after.”
“I know, and I’m really looking forward to it.”
“My ready made family.” Carl hugged Josie and stretched his arms around Bill, Al and Jack who all looked suitably embarrassed.
“Carl’s going to be our Dad” Bill had gone over to Charles who was sitting on the steps which ran down to the lawn and taken his hand. “You don’t mind do you Uncle Charles?” he asked with all the seriousness of his years. “We’ll still love you and Aunty Monika. You’ll come to see us won’t you?”
“Of course we will Bill. Try and stop us!”
“Aunty Monika?”
“Of course dear, and you’ll come up and visit us.”
When the Nanny had ushered the children away to their beds Monika spoke quietly, in the way she had, that made everyone stop their own conversations and listen to what she had to say.
“None of you have given any thought to the woman who has looked after those four children in the cottages opposite the old cinema for the past five years. She must have loved them, She has cared for them as well as any woman could even though she must always have known there would come a time when she was no longer needed, either b
ecause the Mother returned or the children grew up. It is not easy to accept. The more time passed the less likely it would have seemed. So she would have grown to love them as if they were her own. Now you have told her she is no longer needed. She will have to think about another family, will she love them as much? Will they love her? She will never know if young Josie ever remembers her, or whether Bill ever gets to like his brothers more, or if Jack and Al do as well as they should do at school. She will not know those things, or any other, about the children she has loved as her own for five years.”
I wondered what Monika had been trying to tell us of her own feelings. She had seen her own charges grow up and now we were all leaving her.
Susannah, being entirely practical, replied somewhat indignantly “She’s got three months money and can stay in the cottage until she finds another position. We didn’t have to do that for her.” I frowned at my sister, she had missed the point entirely, but she ignored me, continuing regardless, tactless. “It’s part of being a Nanny. You are part of a family, then you’re not. So you move on. She’ll probably start looking after an elderly gentlemen, marry him and end her days living happily in a large comfortable bungalow in Prestatyn.”
Without a word Monika stood up and went back into the house.
“How could you?” I snapped.
“How could I what?” she replied, completely oblivious to the hurt she had caused.
I realised she hadn’t changed so much in her time away and wondered whether Carl had any idea what he was letting himself in for.
By the end of September not only had the summer ended but it seemed to have been raining for weeks. The quiet summer workload, when the business had ‘ticked over quite nicely’ as Linda told anyone who asked how things were going, had accelerated as schools went back and offices filled with people wanting typing.
Despite all the work Holly seemed pre-occupied. She seemed very tired in the mornings, it was all she could do to get out of bed in time to get ready for work. She seemed tired out all the time and, most unusually for her, she snapped at people when they asked her perfectly reasonable questions.
Walking Alone Page 32
