by Cat Blaine
Amanda gasped. “Aww. That’s awful.” She rubbed my shoulder, and Malcolm gave me a funny look.
I shrugged. “It’s fine. But I don’t think Malcolm liked being stuck with the wimpy neighbor kid.”
“That’s not true. I always liked you.” He frowned. “But we got really close in high school.”
Leaning back in the seat, I sighed. “I got picked on a lot because I was short for my age. Malcolm fought my battles.”
“Only at first,” Malcolm said.
“Well, yeah. As soon as you kicked a couple of guys’ asses people left me alone.” And alone is what I would have been too, if Malcolm hadn’t taken me under his wing.
“That’s cuz I love you, man. Nobody hurts you as long as I’m around.” His gaze was dark and intense.
My cheeks warmed when the two girls made little “aww” sounds again. “Malcolm’s super clingy. He always says mushy crap like that,” I said.
His face split in a grin. “Ignore him. C. loves me too. He just won’t ever tell me. He’s got issues.”
Shrugging, I stifled my smile.
“You two are so cute together.” Cecilia rested her chin on her palm.
“It’s adorable. I think it’s nice that you can share your feelings so freely, Malcolm. A lot of guys are closed off,” Amanda added.
Little did she know, I was one of the worst. Usually Malcolm’s warmth made up for my stifled nature. I wasn’t sure why he gravitated to me, but it was obvious why I enjoyed his friendship. He was amazing.
“Anyway, I had a growth spurt and now I’m the hunky and macho stud you see before you,” I finished with a smirk.
Amanda sighed. “You filled out nicely.”
Our eyes met, and I forced myself to lean in and peck her cheek. She giggled and put her hand on my thigh. “Thanks,” I said gruffly.
“It’s the truth,” she whispered. “You’re super sexy. I told Cecilia that.”
My face was hot and I met Malcolm’s gaze. He looked annoyed. “Hey you two, get a room.” He tried to sound like he was joking, but I knew him well enough to know something was bugging him.
I guess Cecilia didn’t want to be left behind on the flirting. She put her head on Malcolm’s shoulder and smiled at whatever he whispered to her. My stomach ached as I watched them. Instead I turned my attention on Amanda. She lit up when I put my arm around her. I figured touching her might help me get into the mood better. After all, what could be better than the soft warm body of a pretty girl next to you?
Malcolm’s hard muscled body?
My previously limp cock jerked at the memory of Malcolm naked and on top of me. Amanda noticed my bump and smiled slyly. Oh God. What was wrong with me? Was I going to have to think of my best friend just so I could get it up enough to have sex with her? That seemed so wrong.
“You boys want to come back to our place?” Cecilia asked, giving Malcolm a meaningful glance. “We have plenty of booze there.”
“I thought you’d never ask.” Malcolm winked at her.
Oh, shit. This was the moment of truth. I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I felt like I was having a panic attack. “I’m gonna go use the restroom. I’ll be right back.” I practically bolted from the booth.
“Hey, C. You all right?” Malcolm called after me.
I slammed into the bathroom and headed straight to the sink. Luckily no one else was in there. Splashing cold water on my burning cheeks, I leaned on the counter and tried to calm down. How the fuck was I going to have sex with that girl? Even if I did manage to get it up, it was a douche move when I didn’t feel anything for her. But Malcolm seemed fine. He was perfectly happy to go back to their place and have sex. Why was I having so much trouble? God, I couldn’t even seem to fake shit anymore.
The door opened and Malcolm stood there. He shut the door and approached me. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked.
I gave a hard laugh. “That’s a good question.”
“Amanda’s really hot, dude.”
Nodding, I said, “I know.”
He peered closer at me and I took an unsteady step back. He frowned. “You’re acting so weird.”
I swallowed hard. “I don’t feel great.”
He narrowed his gaze. “C. Are you trying to bail?”
Raking my hand through my hair, I moved away from him even more and headed into the only stall, which happened to be a large handicapped one. But he followed me, and I looked at him, startled. “Hey, do you mind?” I sounded gruff, and I kept my gaze on the collar of his shirt. I wanted to push him out of the cramped enclosure, but I was afraid to touch him. I didn’t trust that I wouldn’t pull him in for a kiss instead.
Instead of moving away he pressed in closer. “You can’t run away from this and expect things to get better.”
“I’m not. I just have to use the can,” I lied.
“Uh-huh. Right.” He huffed impatiently. “I’m trying to get back on track. But I can’t do this alone. You need to get with the program too.”
“I know. I’m doing my best.” God. I sounded like a scared kid. But the heat of his body near mine and the clean, male scent of him messed with my emotions.
“It shouldn’t be this fucking difficult.” He sounded angry, but when I glanced up he looked more confused than anything.
“Don’t you think I know that, Malcolm?” I wondered if he could see that I wanted him, that I couldn’t seem to pull my gaze from his full lips. It felt so obvious to me, as if my aching need of him must be written clearly on my face. Desperately trying to get him away from me, I muttered, “I’ll be fine. Just give me a minute and I’ll meet you back at the table.”
“We’ve done this a million times.”
“I know. Like I said, give me a second, would ya? I need to pee.”
He squinted, and it was obvious he didn’t believe me.
“Amanda’s super into you.”
“I know,” I said brusquely.
“Do you want her too?” His breathing sped up.
“Of course.” I averted my gaze and studied the scribbled phone numbers and crude comments carved into the bathroom wall. He could no doubt tell I was lying. He knew me too well.
“Yeah. And I’m totally into Cecilia.” His tone was blank, emotionless.
“Then there’s no problem,” I whispered.
“Everything is just fine.” He surprised me when he touched my cheek. I didn’t move. I stood still like I was afraid if I moved the world would explode.
“I just want to get through this fucking night and go home,” I replied tersely, closing my eyes against the wave of anxiety at the thought of going back to Cecilia’s house.
“God, C,” he said hoarsely.
He was going to see through me if he didn’t leave now. I opened my eyes. “Please. Go, or I’ll pee my pants.”
“You’re a horrible liar.” As he spoke he closed the stall door, and I’m pretty sure I gulped at the lewd look in his eyes.
My heart pounded in my chest when he took my chin between his fingers. Staring into my eyes, he bent his head and kissed me. I almost crumpled next to the toilet because his warm mouth on mine was amazing. He groaned and I opened my mouth hungrily under his, desperate to taste him again. He pushed his tongue between my lips, and my throbbing cock strained my pants. I grabbed his shoulders as lust ravaged my body and mind, struggling to comprehend why we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
He lifted his head, panting roughly. “I think about that night constantly.” Our gazes locked and the carnal hunger in his was obvious. My guess was he hadn’t been entertaining pure thoughts.
“I’m so confused,” I muttered. It was apparent we were both out of control, which was terrifying. Malcolm was my rock.
“God forgive me. I can’t help myself.” He smoothed his hand over my collar bone as he spoke.
I just nodded, searching his face nervously, trying to figure out what to do next.
“I need you, C. I keep feeling like I’m gonna die i
f I can’t touch you.”
“I’m scared,” I said quietly. I didn’t know how to pin down what I even was terrified of. I was afraid of everything, it seemed. Every scenario scared me: touching him, not touching him. Being honest with him about my feelings or lying. Nothing seemed to lead to a good place.
“What’s going on in your head? You’re hard to read.” His mouth was only inches from mine.
“I…I can’t sleep or eat. I just think about the taste and the smell of you all the time and it’s killing me,” I whispered.
“Yeah?”
With shaking hands he undid his belt and pants and I about had a heart attack. Then he unzipped my jeans and I let him. I stared in his eyes as he pushed them and my briefs down below my ass. My cock sprang up stiff against his thigh and he brushed his trembling fingers across the sensitive tip.
“Malcolm,” I whimpered as shivers of pleasure radiated through me.
“I can’t fight it. I can’t.” His declaration rumbled deep in his chest.
I stood there apprehensive but unable to deny him. I didn’t want to send him away. I needed him to do whatever he wanted to me. The cold air teased my exposed cock. Then his pants were down. Pressing our dicks together, the heat of his hard flesh against mine was so good I wheezed his name again.
“I fucking love you, C.” His gaze wavered nervously, and he kissed me again with so much passion I clung to him, needing his support.
When he started thrusting against me I cried out at how delicious the friction was. “Feels so good.” I wanted to climb up his body like a totem pole and wrap my legs around him.
“I need you, C. Oh God. I need you bad.”
I began rocking against him too, grunting and moaning as we rutted on each other. The long, rough glide of flesh on flesh had me shaking deep in my core. “Aww, yeah, fuck.”
“I’m crazy about you,” he panted. “You’re everything to me.”
I squeezed handfuls of his firm ass and shoved harder. “Wish you could fuck me for real.” I hadn’t intended to tell him my fantasy, but it slipped out.
He didn’t seem to mind. Groaning, he said, “Yeah, C. I’d fill you so full.”
“Oh, shit, Malcolm.” The snarl of my climax curled in my balls and began to snake up my cock.
“I can’t get the taste of you out of my mouth either,” he murmured. “That night is burned in my brain.”
“Me too. Oh, fuck, me too.” My body seemed to have a mind of its own. I couldn’t have stopped bucking against him if I’d tried. And I didn’t want to try.
A ferocious, agonizing sneeze of release washed through me and I came hard, crying out as my cock jerked against his. I dropped my head back against the stall and let the orgasm ravage me inside and out. With a grunt deep in his chest he exploded too, warm pulses of wet heat between our bodies. Moaning and shuddering, he held me tight and kissed me over and over again, all the while telling me how much he loved me.
I’d have slipped to the dirty floor I was so used up, if Malcolm hadn’t held me close. He spoke softly and kissed me for what felt like forever. Then with a weak sigh he grabbed some tissue and we wiped ourselves off. But he didn’t abandon me. He pressed his lips sweetly to my throat and stroked my hair out of my eyes. The emotions in his gaze made me feel warm and cared for. It was obvious that whatever this was between us, it wasn’t just about the sex for him.
But I was scared. How was I going to pretend that what we had was just friendship? How could I hide how much I loved him now? I’d said too much. He’d said too much. I buried my face in his shoulder, feeling like I was going to cry. He pressed me tight, his hand on the back of my head.
“What do we do now?” I asked, my words muffled against his shirt.
“I have no idea.” His reply was gruff, and his breath was hot against my ear. “But no way can we take those girls home.” He squeezed me tighter.
“No. That wouldn’t be right.”
He exhaled roughly as if what he was about to say took a lot out of him. “I love you, C. I’m sick of pretending I don’t feel this way about you.”
Happiness wrestled with terror at his heartfelt admission. I was completely dreading what that might mean for us. What was happening between us was inconceivable to my brain. This was out of control and passionate. But what did any of that mean in the real world? The world that contained our friends and coworkers who would never understand what we felt for each other. They would never accept it. I barely could.
“My feelings are strong too, but we have to hide whatever this is,” I told him, breathless.
“What did you say?”
“God. This is crazy.” I pushed away and pulled my pants up with shaky fingers. “This is too much. I just don’t know, man.”
He watched me with a narrowed gaze. “What don’t you know?”
“Whether we should be open about this or not.” I grimaced. “What are people going to say?”
He snorted a laugh as he got re-dressed. “I don’t fucking care. I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t know how much until that convention.”
“Jesus, I guess I’m not as brave as you. My instinct is to hold off of telling anyone what’s going on with us.”
“What? Why?”
“The guys are gonna be assholes to us.” I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about our coworkers finding out what we’d just done.
He laughed. “They’re already assholes. What of it? It’s none of their business.”
“I still think we should wait.”
He frowned and crossed his arms. “For what?”
“The right time.”
His mouth hardened. “When exactly would that be?”
“I have no idea. I’m not pretending I have all the answers.” I rubbed my stubbly chin. “But come on, Malcolm. Neither one of us is good at commitment.” I studied his tense face.
He looked like something was beginning to dawn on him. “Oh my God. You little pussy.”
I flushed. “I am not.”
“You care more about what others would say than what you feel for me?”
My eyes were wide. “This is huge, Malcolm. Fucking ginormous. Of course I’m not ready to tell anyone yet. I can’t believe you are.” I wiggled past him, opened the stall door, and moved to stand near the sink. “What do we even call what this is?”
His mouth turned down and he dropped his gaze while shaking his head. “I can’t believe my ears.”
Feeling frustrated, I said, “Don’t get pissed. What’s the harm in waiting?”
“I don’t want to have to hide how I feel.” He hugged his body and his cheeks were flushed. “I’m not afraid to let people see how much you mean to me.”
“That’s because you’re so open. I’m not like you when it comes to touchy feely shit. You know that.”
“Yeah, but, this is different. I’m telling you I’m fucking in love with you, C.” His voice broke and he turned away. “Shit.” He slammed his palm against the wall.
I jumped when he hit the partition. I wanted him to understand where I was coming from. It wasn’t that I was heartless. Terrified would be more accurate. “I can’t just be open about something this personal because you think I should be.”
He looked hurt, his brown eyes wary. “Is this just a sexual thing for you?”
“Of course not.”
“But it doesn’t mean enough to you to let people know?”
I lifted my chin. “Malcolm, all I’m saying is let’s see how this goes before we announce it to the world. Once it’s out there’s no coming back from it.”
“So?”
I flushed. “People will think we’re gay.”
“Oh my fucking God, dude. You’re in total denial.” His expression was ugly as he snarled, “You wanted me to fuck you two minutes ago. Does that sound like something a straight guy would ask his friend to do?”
Closing my eyes, I spoke gruffly. “You can be pissed if you need to be. But I’m not comfortable with… I don�
��t even know what to call it.” Opening my eyes, I clenched my jaw. “I need more time. That’s just how it has to be.”
His laugh was hard. “You know me well enough to know I’m an all-or-nothing kind of guy.”
My stomach churned. “What does that mean?”
“It means it’s going to be hard to be around you.”
Afraid of what he was saying, I cajoled, “Come on, Malcolm. Don’t be like this.” What would I do if he turned his back on me? I felt like I was going to have a panic attack at the very idea.
“I’ve been telling you I love you for years.” His mouth wrinkled in distaste. “God, you must have thought I was a fucking sap this whole time.”
I shook my head. “No.” I love you too. The words were stuck in my throat. It was like trying to eat a peanut butter sandwich when your milk glass is empty.
He ignored me. “I always thought you were just pretending to be cold. But you really are, aren’t you?”
“I’m not cold,” I snapped.
“I’m such an idiot.” His laugh was harsh.
“Goddamn it, Malcolm. Stop it. You’re blowing this out of proportion.”
“The fact that you would say that tells me everything I need to know.” He shook his head, looking nauseated.
“Malcolm,” I said softly. “Don’t be mad.”
“Just go home. I’ll tell the girls you aren’t feeling well and you had to leave.” He exited the bathroom and the door slammed behind him, echoing in the empty room.
I was sick to my stomach at how angry he was. I’d never seen him that mad before. Not with me, anyway. Had I ruined everything?
“You’re such a fucking coward,” I whispered to my dejected reflection. Then I turned and went home alone.
Chapter Five
It had never been like his between me and Malcolm. Silent. Cold. We’d never gone more than a week without talking to each other, or at least texting. But he didn’t reach out to me, and I was afraid to try and contact him. He’d been so hurt and upset the last time I’d seen him. I didn’t dare.
