by Eva Shepherd
‘Well, believe me, it’s not too bad at all, in fact.’
And yet you can’t stop talking about it.
‘And you appear to be coping very well with your handicap,’ she continued.
‘I cope. But what about you? I take it that marriage and being a titled lady is everything you hoped it would be.’ He was curious to know but also wanted to shift the subject from his infirmity.
She shuffled in her seat. ‘That is partly why I’m here, Theo. I wanted to apologise for choosing Lord Redcliffe over you.’
It was Theo’s turn to move uncomfortably as he crossed his legs and sat back in his chair. He did not want to rake over old ground. Did not want to be reminded of that terrible time when she had abandoned him when he needed her the most.
‘I really did believe at the time that it was the sensible thing to do,’ she continued, her voice beseeching. ‘The only thing I could do. I hope you understand, Theo.’
He hadn’t understood at the time and was unsure whether he did now.
‘But that is not what you asked me, is it?’ she said. ‘You asked me if my marriage and my title are everything I hoped they would be.’
‘And are they?’
‘Well, I have to admit I love being a married woman—it gives one so much more freedom—and I love having a title...love the status that being the wife of an earl gives me.’
‘So you have everything you want. Few people can say that.’
‘But I do miss you, Theo,’ she said, her voice quiet as if her head was lowered.
Theo could say that he had missed her terribly as well. For the last six years he had constantly imagined what his life would have been like if he had not been burnt in that fire. How he would have been married to a beautiful woman whom he adored. How they would have lived a charmed life. How by now they would have children. Instead, he was living alone with his misery, knowing that the woman he loved was with another man.
‘And I hope you missed me as well, Theo.’
‘I missed you terribly,’ he said in all honesty. ‘But what’s done is done.’
‘But it doesn’t have to be the end of things,’ she said, urgency in her voice.
Theo frowned. Of course it was the end. She had married someone else.
She lowered her voice. ‘As I said, married women have certain freedoms. I have done my duty by my husband and provided him with two fine boys. Now he allows me the same freedoms that he has also exercised throughout his married life. Freedoms that I wish to take advantage of. With you.’
Theo said nothing, surprised by this turn in the conversation.
‘You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?’
Still he made no response.
‘Are you going to make me say it?’
She waited, but he chose not to answer.
‘Oh, Theo, can’t you tell, you silly man? I’m offering to become your mistress.’
Again, he chose not to respond.
She laughed lightly. ‘That’s if you’ll have me.’ Her laughter made it clear she expected him to agree wholeheartedly. So why was he hesitating?
‘If you’re worried about people finding out, you don’t need to be,’ she rushed on, assuming that was why he was unresponsive. ‘No one need know. I visit Lady Walberton on a regular basis, so it would work out perfectly. We could be very discreet.’ She lowered her voice. ‘I know how much you wanted me, Theo—still want me. Now you can have me.’
‘I don’t believe that would be the right thing to do, Lady Redcliffe,’ he said, surprised at his own reaction.
She laughed, a laugh that was no longer melodious but tinged with bitterness. ‘You don’t need to be so honourable. My husband certainly isn’t.’
She paused and drew in a deep breath. ‘Oh, Theo, I’m so unhappy. My husband doesn’t love me any more,’ she said, her words coming out in a rush. ‘Now that he’s got the children he wants he never even touches me. When we first married, he couldn’t get enough of me. He showered me with gifts and was constantly telling me how beautiful I was. Now he hardly speaks to me and I know he has a mistress in London.’ She paused, and when she spoke again her voice was full of bitter defiance. ‘So I don’t see why I can’t do the same. He certainly wouldn’t care.’
Was that the role she expected him to play? She wanted him so she could get revenge on her husband for his unfaithfulness, for his lack of compliments. She wanted Theo to be the one to worship her beauty, to shower her with gifts. It was a role he had once happily played, but was it what he wanted now?
She stood up and approached his chair. ‘So, do you want me to be your lover, Theo?’ He made to stand but she placed her hand on his shoulder. ‘Silly question. I know you want me. I saw how you reacted when we met at the Walbertons’ dinner party.’
She leant down, her face close to his. ‘Well, you could have me, Theo,’ she whispered in his ear. ‘Not as your wife, but as your lover.’
Her hand lightly caressed his cheek. ‘My husband isn’t expecting me back until this evening,’ she whispered, her implication clear.
He took hold of her hand and stood up. ‘Lady Redcliffe, you are a married woman. Your loyalty should be to your husband.’
‘Married? Loyalty?’ she said, her voice harsh. ‘You know nothing of my life. My husband doesn’t love me any more.’ Her voice softened. ‘But you do. When I saw you at the Walbertons’, when I saw the way you reacted to meeting me again, I knew that you were still in love with me.’
She leant in towards him. ‘My husband doesn’t love me the way you did, Theo. The way you can still love me.’
‘You made your choice six years ago, Estelle,’ he said, his voice gentle.
‘So, does that mean you’re actually saying no to me?’ She laughed at the absurdity of that possibility.
‘That’s what I’m saying.’ Theo could hardly believe it himself. ‘I am sorry your marriage is not all that you had hoped. But the time for us has passed. I think you should return to your husband.’
‘What? Are you serious? I’m offering myself to you, Theo. As you know, I could have had any man I wanted when I first met you. And I’m still a desirable woman. Many a man would want to take me as his lover.’
‘Then I wish you good luck in finding the right man.’
She stepped back quickly as if he had struck her. ‘You’ve changed, Theo. That fire did more than just take away your sight and scar your face. It made you an imbecile as well.’
‘I’m sorry you’re hurt. That was not my intention.’
‘I suppose you think that other pretty little thing who was at the Walbertons’ is interested in you,’ she shot back. ‘Well, I very much doubt that. She’s almost as beautiful as I am and is hardly likely to settle for a deformed cripple when she is sure to have plenty of other opportunities.’
‘Estelle, you’re angry. I think you should leave,’ he said, surprised at how calm his voice was.
‘Oh, yes, you’re wasting your time there. She may have been paying you attention at the dinner party, but it will come to nothing. A pretty girl like that would merely be playing with you so she could incite the other men and get their attention. I know the games women play, and believe me, Lady Iris is not for you.’
Was that what had revived her interest in him? Jealousy that another woman who was reputed to be a beauty had been talking and laughing with him? Was she really that petty?
‘Lady Iris was merely showing pity towards you because you’re an invalid,’ she continued. ‘You couldn’t possibly think you have any more chance of marrying her than you did of marrying me.’
‘No, you’re probably right,’ he said.
‘Well, good, then,’ she said, her voice unconvinced. ‘At least you’re not making a complete fool of yourself over that young lady. And I know for a fact that Lord Pratley and Lady Iris are almost
engaged.’
Theo gave a mirthless laugh. Last time he’d spoken to Lord Pratley they had been almost courting. Now they were almost engaged. He assumed they would soon be almost married.
‘I don’t see what’s so funny about that,’ she spat out. ‘The only thing funny is the laughing stock you will make of yourself if you pursue Lady Iris.’
‘I think it is time you left.’ He reached down and gave the bell a ring.
‘Would you please show Lady Redcliffe out?’ he said when Charles appeared.
With a loud huff of disapproval she walked out in a fluster of rustling fabric.
Theo sank down into his chair and shook his head slowly from side to side in disbelief. He had wasted too many years pining over something that had never existed. He had thought he was in love with Lady Estelle but had never really known her. All he had seen was her beauty and he had been blinded by it and by his own vanity and masculine pride. He had lost his eyesight in the fire, but it had taken becoming blind for him to finally see the truth.
Yes, he had wasted six years, and he wasn’t about to waste another minute.
He rang the bell again so Charles could fetch his coat, cane and Max’s lead. He would still walk over to the Walberton estate, but now it would be with an entirely different purpose in mind.
Chapter Twenty-Two
The Walberton estate was a hive of activity when Theo arrived at the front entrance. Carriages were lined up. Servants were stacking luggage and calling out instructions, and the horses were snorting and stomping at the ground, anxious to get moving.
Theo hoped he had not left it too late and Lady Iris had already departed. He stopped a passing footman and asked if he could take Max to the kitchen so he could have a drink of water, then asked if Lady Iris was still in residence.
‘Yes, my lord,’ the footman said. ‘But Her Ladyship and her mother will be departing soon. That’s their luggage we’re loading now. They’ll be taking the evening train back to London.’
Theo released his held breath. He wasn’t too late.
‘Would you please tell Lady Iris that the Earl of Greystone requests an audience?’ The man departed and, using his cane, Theo made his way up the steps to the entrance hall and waited anxiously. When the footman returned, he led him into the drawing room.
‘Lord Greystone,’ said Iris. Fabric swished softly as she walked towards him. ‘I did not expect to see you again. Please, sit down.’
She took his arm and led him to a chair. He waited till he heard the rustle of fabric to indicate she had sat down, then took the seat opposite her. Theo had not thought about what he wanted to say to Lady Iris, only that he needed to speak to her again, needed to be in her company again, needed to try and make things right between them, even if it was the last time he saw her.
‘So, have you come to reprimand me again for my reprimand?’ She gave a little laugh. He smiled. How he loved that little laugh that punctuated much of what she said.
‘No, Lady Iris. I have come to ask for your forgiveness.’
‘My forgiveness?’ He could hear the incredulity in her voice.
‘Yes, for everything I have done since I first met you.’
She made no reply and he could imagine her staring at him in wide-eyed surprise. He was not a man for apologies. At least, he had not been a man to apologise until he had met Lady Iris, and this was no easier than the previous half-hearted apologies he had made to her, but he needed to persevere. It was essential that he set things right before she left his life for ever.
‘I have been rude, curt and ill-mannered, and you did not deserve that.’
Still she said nothing. Had he shocked this delightful chatterbox into silence? He hoped not.
‘While I have treated you appallingly, you at all times have acted with kindness and courtesy.’
‘Kindness? Courtesy? The last time we spoke I gave you a telling-off for the way you lived, and you made it very clear you did not appreciate it.’
‘And for that I also apologise. Even if you were questioning my choices, I now realise it was done out of kindness, with the best of intentions. You are a lovely, warm, generous and caring woman and instead of responding to your well-meant advice as I should have, I repaid your kindness with ill temper and rudeness.’
‘Well, you’ll get no argument from me on that,’ she said, her voice returning to that teasing manner he was coming to adore.
He smiled, then adopted a more serious tone. He had so much more he needed to tell her and could not allow himself to become distracted by the sound of her lovely voice. ‘I didn’t realise it at the time, but now I understand that everything you said was true.’
‘It was? You do?’ Her startled disbelief made him smile again.
‘Until you came into my life, I did not know how angry I was with the world,’ he said. ‘I blamed everyone and everything for what I had lost. What I thought I had lost. I wanted to punish the world, so I locked myself away. You made me see that the only person I was punishing was myself.’ He drew in a deep breath, to drive away the anger he felt, anger that was no longer directed at the world but at himself, at the man he had once been.
‘You made me realise that the only person who was being hurt was myself. I could live with that realisation, but I couldn’t live with the fact that I had been rude and insulting to the woman who had the kindness and the courage to point these things out to me. So for that I apologise.’
‘Oh, Theo, I don’t blame you for the way you reacted. Nor do I blame you for locking yourself away. After all, there was the fire, and, you know... Lady Redcliffe and all that.’
‘Yes,’ he said with a resigned sigh. ‘There was the fire, Lady Redcliffe and all that. Those were the grievances that I had been clinging on to. Clinging on to so tightly that they were pulling me under and I was drowning. It was only when I let go of them that I could come back up to the surface.’
‘I’m so pleased.’ He could hear the smile in her voice.
‘I should also thank your mother before you leave for London.’
‘My mother? Do you want to thank her for blackmailing you?’
He laughed at the shocked sound in her voice. ‘No, I want to thank her for forcing me to attend that dinner party. If I hadn’t I would not have met Lady Redcliffe again.’
‘Oh, I see.’
He could tell by the strain in her voice that she did not understand at all.
Theo paused, determined to get this right. ‘When I met Lady Redcliffe again, after being apart for so many years, I have to admit, I was devastated. As you know, I had once been in love with her, had expected to marry her. Being in her company again, and the company of the man she did marry, made me think of all I had lost and would never have.’
‘I know, and I am so sorry for that, as is my mother. She didn’t know about your past with Lady Redcliffe at the time.’
Theo held up his hands to silence her. ‘That is not what I mean, and neither of you have anything to apologise for. Meeting Lady Redcliffe again also changed my life.’
He heard a quick intake of breath, then she quietly said, ‘I see.’
Once again, he knew she did not understand, that he was not making how he felt clear to her. ‘Meeting Lady Redcliffe again made me realise that I had never really been in love with her, that I had never really known what love was.’
‘It did? You did? I mean, you didn’t?’
He smiled at her confusion. ‘I thought I was in love with her. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever met and I was dazzled by her. I now know that that was all I was in love with, her physical beauty. I also now realise what a superficial man I was. I loved having the most desirable woman of the Season on my arm and being the envy of every other man. And for the last six years I have lamented that loss, but I had lost nothing. Certainly not love.’
He suppressed the
anger he was feeling at himself for those wasted years so he could continue. ‘When she rejected me because I was no longer the man I had been, when I became a blind, scarred man, I retreated into myself. I hated the fact that other men no longer envied me. After the fire I couldn’t be that man so I hid myself away like a hermit, avoiding people so they wouldn’t pity me. But the only person who was full of pity was myself. I was drowning in self-pity for what I had lost, without realising that I had lost nothing. I now realise that if anyone should be pitied it was that superficial man I had once been, a man who only cared about external appearances. And it was meeting Lady Redcliffe again that made me realise that, and for that I thank your mother.’
‘She will be pleased to hear that. She never meant to hurt you and felt so bad about the dinner party.’ She paused. ‘Although that didn’t stop her from blackmailing you into hosting the fête, which she probably shouldn’t have done either.’
‘And for that, too, I should thank her. You were right. I did enjoy the day. As much as I tried to deny it, I enjoyed meeting people again, enjoyed having the house full of laughter and activity.’
‘Good, and does that mean you will now be entering Society again?’
‘Yes, I hope to.’
‘I am pleased. You do deserve to be happy, Theo.’
‘But I didn’t just come here to apologise to you and your mother,’ he said. ‘I also came to tell you how much I admire you.’
‘You? Admire me?’
‘Yes, you are a truly beautiful woman.’
‘Oh, I see.’ He could hear the disappointment in her voice.
‘I can tell you are a beautiful woman because of the way men react to you, but that is not what I mean. I’m talking about a different type of beauty. You have a beautiful soul, a beautiful heart. You are kind, generous, forgiving and brave, and for those reasons you are the most beautiful woman I have ever met.’
