“Why?” I asked, feeling like I was about to explode.
“The old gods need another anchor to return. Otherwise, they’ll have to use the powers I’ve injected into this world, disintegrating everything, before they can assume their physical bodies again. You’re the answer.”
“You want me to be the next chiasma.” I swallowed thickly. “How the fuck does that even work?” I gestured to my body. “Look at me.”
“You look glorious, Cara.” He said it with so much conviction that I got chills.
“I mean, yeah,” I said. My new goddess body was awesome. “But that’s not what I’m getting at. I’m not anything like the chiasma. It’s a giant black ball, for fuck’s sakes. And to anchor the world?”
“You won’t be doing it alone.” Apollo grabbed my hand. Was he trying to give me reassurance? It wasn’t working. “I’ll be giving you some of my powers. I wouldn’t be able carry this out with anybody else, but since your body acclimated to the chiasma’s powers for so long, it’s attuned to it. I want to give you more of my energy. It’ll weaken me, but it’ll also keep the worlds alive. In the current states.”
“And then what?”
“We finish the same ritual we used thousands of years ago. The same one they used on me.”
“Sacrifice.”
“Will you do it?” Apollo asked. “You will have to volunteer for this position sincerely.”
“You want me to spend the rest of eternity as a giant-ass orb.” I sucked in a breath. My ears rang. “What’s the alternative?”
“The old gods won’t stand aside and lose their opportunity to return,” Apollo said. “Nyx will destroy the worlds without another option. Everything you’ve ever known would be replaced.”
“Everything,” I said in an almost-whisper.
Apollo bowed his head in a morose fashion.
My vassals.
Danna.
They’d be gone.
“Do you love them?” Apollo asked. I hadn’t mentioned my vassals, but Apollo saw through my thoughts.
The burden weighed heavily in my chest. “Yes.”
“If you truly did,” Apollo said, “you’d give yourself up for them. Like I did for Nyx. I care for my friend. We went through much together. And so, when the time came, I willingly sacrificed my own form to give her another chance. Wouldn’t you do the same?”
I looked at my hands. The wind no longer lessened the punishing heat of Apollo’s sun, but my fingers had gone cold. “I don’t know.” I clenched my jaw. “I really don’t know.”
Liam grabbed me, prying me away from Apollo the moment we returned to Theo’s makeshift cave. “What did he do with you?” he asked. He inspected me head to toe, to ensure that I didn’t show any signs of injury. He acted even more caring than Hansel. Fenrir hadn’t forgiven me for hurting Liam during the Burning. The wolfdog glared at me from the side. I didn’t mind that.
I hadn’t forgiven myself either.
Liam brushed my hair away from my face. The locks had clumped together from the sweat. He didn’t care that I perspired, however. Liam drew me toward him in a protective embrace. “Are you feeling all right?”
I guessed I was making it too obvious that I didn’t feel fine. Physically, I felt like I could lift a mountain, but after what Apollo had told me, my thoughts were a mess.
“Talk to us, Cara,” Liam said.
I looked up at Liam with a dumbfounded expression.
Devon quickly closed the distance between him and Apollo. He grabbed the sun god by the collar and raised his fist. “What happened?” Devon said. “Why is she like this?”
Like what?
The bear cubs who’d been with us earlier were no longer friendly to Apollo. They hung out with Fenrir. They didn’t even want to be near me. I wasn’t surprised. I didn’t think I seemed very welcoming.
How was I to react to Apollo’s new information?
The chiasma.
The fucking chiasma.
I’d never liked that object. And now I was supposed to become it?
Devon snapped and swung his fist in an uppercut, but Apollo shielded himself immediately. A snapping force threw Devon backward. He flew right across the cave and smacked against the rock. I jolted, the sound waking me up from my stupor.
Apollo hadn’t flinched despite the small spat. “Don’t test me. You’d be dead if I wanted you to be.”
The side of Devon’s mouth bled. I made a beeline toward him, lowered myself at his side, and rubbed my thumb over the blood at his temple.
“Apollo!” I shouted, spinning around to glare at the sun god.
“I did not start the fight. Why are you blaming me?”
“You could have been gentler with him!” My red wings darted out, and at the same time, a red energy snapped from me. It shot toward Apollo. He dodged it, sliding his shoulder to the left. My magic snapped straight past Apollo and onto Theo’s structure. It smashed straight through the rocks, taking out a big portion of it. The rocks crumbled into multiple pieces. I had no idea that my anger could take on physical form. This wasn’t an act of the foreign entity inside me, but a power that had come out of my own accord.
I gaped at the sight.
“Potential,” Apollo said, straightening his shoulders. His cool eyes analyzed me, just as the goddesses had when they wanted to use me against Aphrodite. Apollo might have mentioned caring for me, but I’d grown wary of such tricks. My own mother had promised the same. “There’s a massive amount of potential hidden inside of you, Cara.”
I wanted to hear nothing of that.
“Hey,” Devon said.
I refocused on him and noticed the rest of my vassals nearing me, too. They formed a tight circle, protecting me from Apollo. I knew that the sun god would be able to sweep them aside if he wished to, but their gestures touched me anyway. They wanted to keep me safe.
I’d do the same for them.
My feathers bristled. When my vassals faced Apollo, it always seemed like a fight might break out at any moment.
Devon had been injured, but he showed more concern for me than himself. He cupped my cheek. “I was so worried,” Devon said. He planted a kiss on my lips. “Why did you look so stunned? I thought we lost you again, like that time after the Burning.”
The Burning?
Seeing the question in my eyes, Devon explained, “It’s what the council has called what you did near the chiasma.”
I grew sick getting reminded about it. I inched away.
He brushed his fingertips down my arm. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I bit the inside of my mouth. “Yeah. Let’s not.”
“Where have you been?” Theo asked.
There was so much to tell them.
I looked at Apollo. “Should I let them know of what happened? Of what’s about to happen?”
Apollo shrugged. “It doesn’t matter. The outcome will still be yours to decide.”
I looked across my vassals. How would they react to the new information? I doubted they’d take it well.
But we were supposed to trust each other, and that meant letting them know the important details.
I sucked in a deep breath. My ears buzzed.
And in one big rush of words, I let them know of what Apollo had planned for me. The information poured out of me quickly. It was easier that way. I didn’t give myself time to think about it, didn’t filter out any details. I spoke like I usually did, giving them the worst kind of word vomit possible. And when I finished, I felt a tight ball in my belly. I allowed myself to get in touch with my surroundings after that, and when I paid attention to my vassals once more, I saw that they all wore stupefied expressions.
“You’ve got to be kidding,” Liam said.
“Sadly,” I said, “I’m not.”
Hansel turned away, unable to look at me. I wasn’t sure which vassal I needed to hug first, because they all looked distraught.
Theo’s lips parted in shock, and D
evon had frozen on the spot, his eyes widening in disbelief.
Liam looked at Apollo. “It was you,” he said. “You aim to hurt Cara.”
Liam propelled himself forward with his magic, lunging at Apollo with fire curling around his fist. Apollo rolled his eyes, treating Liam like he was insignificant. With a swat of Apollo’s hand, Liam was thrown backward. He skidded across the ground before thudding against Theo’s makeshift structure.
Liam dragged his hand down his face. Was he tearing up? “This… this can’t be true,” he said.
Unfortunately, it was very, very real.
The sunset today felt much longer than usual. The orange loomed over the horizon.
“Apollo just won’t let it go,” I said, staring out into the distance. Theo’s structure had crumbled, partly due to all the damage I’d done to it, and so we had to find a different location to rest. We were at a cliff side close to the edges of the forest. My legs dangled over the cliff face. Only Hansel joined me in this moment of introspection. The others were too busy trying to process what I’d told them. I didn’t blame them for needing some time to think.
I needed time, too.
Hansel studied the departing sun, just as I did. “Why can’t he just return to being the chiasma again? It doesn’t have to be you.”
“My guess is that he’s sick of it. He did mention that you had to be willing. I doubt he’s still keen on turning into that giant orb. Not after serving that purpose for so many years.” I hunched my shoulders. “When he was part of me, I sensed his anger. His passion. How tired he was. That was probably why he wanted to destroy everything.”
Hansel pulled me toward himself, until my body melded with his. “Let the worlds burn.”
“What?” My eyes shot up to his jaw line. Hansel’s face had fallen into a dead serious expression. “You can’t mean that.”
“The old gods will return after that. Nyx’s plan would come to fruition and we’d be none the wiser.”
“We’d be dead.” I stiffened. “You all would be. I can’t have that.”
“Do you think there’s an afterlife?” Hansel asked, ignoring my statement.
I frowned. “I never really thought about it.” I was the kind of person who took days as they came and went.
“If it exists, then there’s a chance we can meet each other there.” Hansel smiled. A dimple showed on his left cheek.
I rolled my eyes, withholding a snort. “We’ll meet the rest of the realms, too. If they found out the truth of what happened, we’d be dead twice over.”
“It’s a risk worth taking.”
“No.”
“No?” Hansel’s grip around my waist tightened.
“It’s my responsibility, Hansel. I need to do this.” I hadn’t made my decision immediately. It was a tough one to come to. But I thought about the Burning and the massacre at the Ashmeda. Those had been due to my blunders. Maybe this was a way for me to repent. The way I’d hurt Liam…
I still hadn’t found it in me to forgive myself.
I knew I was being slightly melodramatic, but how else should I behave? I’d seen too much death.
Hansel sighed, turned to me, then tipped my chin up so that he could take my lips. I felt a quick brush of his mouth. “Don’t do it,” he whispered.
“I’d made my decision—”
“I’d usually support you with everything, but not this. The others would say the same as me. We’d have to spend the rest of our lives looking at you and knowing that you’re stuck as the chiasma. We’ll have to accept that as your vassals, we let you suffer. It’s a fate worse than death.”
I’d never seen Hansel this pained. I clutched him tightly. “But I have the ability to save everyone. You’re asking me to be no better than the goddesses. At least they were trying to protect the realms when they hurt those girls. With this, you want me to let everyone die just for my own selfish needs.”
Hansel and I shared a long look. His plea nearly tore me apart. I saw Apollo watching us from a few yards away. The light from the setting sun caught the edges of his hair, making it glow an even brighter orange. He wouldn’t budge. There he stood, judging and contemplating. He shook his head, as if to warn me against Hansel’s request.
I took Hansel’s hand and massaged the back of it.
“You’re still going to go through with it,” Hansel said. “Do you not care about us, Cara?”
His words were like an arrow through my chest. “Not… care?” I placed my other hand around his. “How can you say that? Of course I do. I care the hell out of you—”
“Then why are you doing this to us?”
“I’m…” I steeled myself. “What about your siblings, Hansel?”
“What about them?”
“Don’t you want to see them survive? You talked about the young ones. About how serving me has allowed you to watch them grow up. They didn’t have to starve because you became my vassal.” I leaned into him. “If the worlds end, so do they.”
My question left him momentarily speechless. He stared at me with a slightly gaping mouth. “But the things that you’d have to go through to see that…”
“Are something I’m ready for,” I said. I was surprised by how resolute I sounded. I wasn’t ready. How could anybody be for such a monumental task? I searched the area where the chiasma used to hover. That was where I was meant to be after the ritual finished. How did that even work out?
Hansel breathed out softly. “I can’t.”
I tilted my head in question.
“It’s too much. I’ll speak with the others. You need to stop considering this. If you do it and have to suffer for eternity, then we’d fail as vassals.”
“It’s not a failure—”
“Yes, it is!”
It was the first time I’d seen Hansel angry. I shrank back.
“I’m sorry, Cara. It’s just that…” He raked his hand through his sandy blond hair. “I’ll talk to Devon. We’ll come up with something.”
“There’s nothing to come up with.”
“I need some time to think.”
Hansel lifted his legs from the ledge, stood, then turned away to walk toward the others. I didn’t give chase, even though I wanted to. I knew I couldn’t tell him what he wanted to hear. I wasn’t going to back down on my decision.
I’d made it for them. They were my main motivation. Couldn’t they see? We had to part, and it would be painful, but this was a necessary evil.
I loved them. And so I was willing to give myself up.
Apollo took Hansel’s place as soon as my vassal left. The bear cubs were following him again. I wondered how he’d managed to win them back to his side, but I didn’t care to think too much about it.
“Your vassals,” Apollo said. “They’re not taking the new information very well.”
I snorted. “Were you eavesdropping? That’s rude.”
Apollo sat down and turned to me. I still couldn’t get over how surreal his appearance was. The goddesses were mesmerizing, yes, but Apollo didn’t even seem real. He picked a bear cub up and cradled it to his chest.
“Your power that was in me,” I said. “I called it the angry little girl.”
“Angry little girl?” Apollo asked. “I don’t think I’ve heard that one.” He chuckled. “Being likened to a girl is somewhat amusing.”
I raised a brow at him. “She came out mostly when I was still a child.”
“During your developmental phases, then.” Apollo massaged the back of the bear cub’s ear. He seemed to be getting too comfortable sitting here. After watching Hansel’s outburst, I couldn’t adjust to Apollo’s casual interaction with the cub. “I wasn’t complete then. Aphrodite and Ares tore me apart. I don’t think I was always that angry. There were peaceful times before parts of me had been split and stolen. There’s too much to remember as the chiasma. You see everything, and yet nothing at all. Little instances return to me at intervals, but I store those memories away quickly.”
; I rested my hand on my cheek. “Can’t imagine it.”
“You’ll feel it for yourself.”
I didn’t want to. “How does this ritual work, anyway?”
“Nyx will have to agree to it. Creating a chiasma is a difficult task. We’ll require the help of the old gods.”
“And if they don’t agree?”
“That’ll be a pity. I suppose I’d have to rebuild a new world with them.”
“I’m not sure why Aphrodite wanted to summon Nyx too.”
“Folly,” Apollo said sharply. “They thought that if they helped Nyx return, they’d be able to get her on their side. With that, the new world would be work on their terms. The plan failed as soon as it was conceived. Nyx works for no one.” Apollo spun toward me, staring at me with intense eyes. He brushed a lock of my hair away from my face. The act was far too sensual, and yet I knew he didn’t have romantic feelings for me. One would not sacrifice their lover to become the chiasma. My vassals’ reactions proved that. “You’re hope, Cara. Do you see that? It’s a beautiful thing to be.” He traced his thumb across my lower lip. My insides churned as I held his gaze, refusing to turn away.
“To be honest,” I said. “I’d rather be plain and simple instead of beautiful. If pain accompanies awesomeness, then that kind of sucks.”
Apollo chuckled then drew back, leaving me alone. He pivoted away briefly. A moment later, he looked back to me, then offered a… ukulele.
“Um…” I said, uncertain about how to react.
“For you,” Apollo said. “I have visions of you playing it. Sing for me.”
“Sing for you?” Of all people? I wasn’t sure if I was keen on entertaining Apollo. He saw me as a sacrificial lamb, after all.
Apollo nodded. He didn’t press the issue further, merely expecting me to bend to his will. I scowled at him but took the ukulele from him right after. It’d been a while since I’d played an instrument. I strummed it. A refreshing sensation swept over me. I breathed out softly. I forgot just how calming playing could be.
I picked one of my favorite songs. I didn’t even have to think as I strummed. My fingers worked over the strings of my instrument with practiced dexterity. I recalled the hours I used to spend alone in my room, just playing to myself. It was a way to shut out my worries and the noise of the world. I played and played until I forgot that Apollo was there, and only when I hit the last note did I wake from my momentary trance.
Reign of the Goddess Page 8
