by Tanya Allan
“People are very silly at times, as they club together in groups. They do this for the old adage of survival. If you group with similar people, then you feel safe, but you would never group with people who were so different, that it would make you feel uncomfortable. Take your Oliver, now, I am fond of Oliver, as he is a nice boy. He is bright and loyal, he is hardworking and trustworthy, so all these are good things. However, he is from a poor background, so in our society, this would be a disadvantage, as he would never be able to keep you in a style that you would like or feel is right. It might be fun for a while, as your physical relationship might be exciting. Nevertheless, his expectations and yours are very different. His idea of a woman’s role may be very different to yours. You would fly in the face of social opposition, from both your family and from his as well as from everyone that knows you both.
“So, there is a difference between being friendly with someone and being friends, just as there is a difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone. If we were to go to a new world, where differences could be swept away, you might love whomever you wish, and even settle down with them. You still face the same problems that two people have when they marry, but this is regardless of the pressures that society places upon you.
“You must ask yourself two questions whenever you meet a boy that you like: Will I love him when he is old and grey, and if we have no money? And, will he love me when I am ugly and have screaming children around me?”
Katie stared at me, looking a little sad.
“What does real love feel like?” she asked.
“Real love is so many things, but mainly it’s a living, breathing, growing thing, that gets deeper and better with each passing day. There is lust, which you will feel in a few years, when your body wants the physical love that only another can give. When you dream of his touch, and you would be willing to surrender to his will for the pleasure he would give you. The rewards of lust are unwanted or unplanned children, pain, and unhappiness.
“Then there is the love that ties two people together, regardless of the world. You are lovers, where the physical love is strong and just as enticing as lust. But it is tempered with the acts of selflessness whereby you give of yourself, and the receiving is so much better because of it. You are friends, where you and he can speak of many things and join each other in the things you share, and enjoy learning about the things that the other enjoys.
“You are soul mates, where you exist together, not having to speak, but content just being together, knowing that your love will endure forever. The children of such love are blessed with and by the love that bore them.”
Katie looked at me.
“That’s you and Daddy,” she said.
I smiled.
“Yes, that’s certainly your Daddy and I.”
“I think perhaps I just like Oliver a lot. For sometimes he annoys me terribly.”
“Katie, I will never tell you whom to love and whom to like. You can only do what your heart tells you, but you must listen to your head too.”
She smiled, hugging her knees.
“I don’t expect Daddy would be impressed if I married Oliver.”
“That’s an understatement, my love. Besides, there’s nothing stopping you being friendly with him, but, you little strumpet, you mustn’t lead him down a road where it will all end in tears,” I said.
“It’s just that I never get to meet too many other children my age.”
“I know dear, and that is why I am hoping to get you into a school.”
“Really? That would be fun, I think.”
“But your Daddy wants us to go to America soon, so it may be all different there.”
“I know. I don’t know if I want to go.”
“It will be very different, as we will have a big house, with lots of land and horses.”
“Will Oliver be able to come with us?”
“We shall have to see. That is up to your father.”
“I’m glad you are my Mama, you are so wise and you know so much.”
“My darling, life is all about learning, and there are those who learn and remember, and go from strength and strength. Yet there are those who forget and make the same mistakes, again and again. In love, you need to be careful, because the heart can often fool the brain.”
“How is it you are so young and pretty, and yet you seem so much older?”
I smiled, as this child was remarkably astute.
“I had a hard life, so one is forced to become wise through hardship.”
“Daddy is like a different person now. You have made him so happy, and so am I.”
“Good, I’m so pleased. For I love you all so much.”
“Grand-mama asked me whether you were a good mother, and I told her you were almost as good as my real Mama,” she said. “But actually, I think maybe you’re probably much better. But they didn’t want to hear that.”
That brought a tear to my eye. I held my arms out for her and we had a cuddle.
The days turned into weeks. Gradually, the weather became warmer, and I became more pregnant. I was not sick this time and was better prepared for the experience.
I enjoyed being pregnant, as little unborn Emily was far more accommodating compared to her elder brother. My husband was more loving and we enjoyed the time we spent together without the threat of war hanging over our heads. There was much preparation to undertake in respect of our intended emigration to America, so Roger was busy arranging the purchase and shipment of all kinds of things.
He was reluctant to sell the Manor, as he liked the idea of having something to which to fall back should disaster strike our venture. As he was busy with the setting up of our home and business, I involved myself in the organisation of the household.
Mr and Mrs Groves, now in their late sixties, had a large family in the area, and so were reluctant to leave. They had twenty-five grand children at the last count, so they were looking forward to a well-earned retirement, which I feared would be more work than working. Abigail, however, had no one, and over the years had become my devoted maid and confidant. She had once loved a young man who had served in Roger’s regiment as a trooper, but he had died in Spain. She had no family to speak of, so was keen to come with us.
Symes, Roger’s valet, and his wife Jenny, were persuaded to join us, to take on the role that Groves and his wife were relinquishing. George the groom, who had a string of girls dotted about Oxfordshire and Berkshire, wished to start his own stables, having enough saved to do so. Oliver, who still had a tendency to dribble whenever Katie was within one hundred feet of him, would have followed her, or me, to the ends of the earth. He did not hesitate, when asked if he was willing to come, he simply grinned and nodded.
Roger wished to take his prized horses, while a squadron of dragoons would have been inadequate to prise Katie from Snowflake, so it seemed that a very large boat would be required for the Lambert contingent. I persuaded Roger to whittle the horses down to just three.
“They do have horses in America,” I pointed out.
Grudgingly, he agreed, so with Snowflake, we were taking four horses only.
One of the tasks that Roger had completed was the dropping of the ‘de’ from his name. Thus, he was now officially Sir Roger Lambert, and I was Lady Jane Lambert.
It made no difference to me, and as his brother James had done it several years ago, the only person offended was Maud, who was not even a de Lambert since her marriage. It mattered not, and even she realised it was a silly thing about which to be offended.
The summer was a long hot one, so I found a secluded part of the garden where I would strip off and lie naked in the sun. My belly was large, but I enjoyed the freedom of being without clothes. Abigail would keep a look out. Occasionally Roger would join me, so we would indulge in some exciting, if not a little restrained, sexual activity. For some reason Roger found my pregnant body sexually stimulating and, if anything, we made love more often than before.
/> By the time Emily arrived, on the 8th September 1816, I was more than ready. With a labour of only three hours, I gave birth to a very healthy and beautiful baby girl. It was as if I had had all the cake in the world and been allowed to eat it all at once. I was so happy. As I held her to my breast, with little Edward frowning as he watched, I cried out of pure joy.
CHAPTER EIGHT.
Virginia.
The trip over to America was not as easy as stepping onto a 747 at Heathrow and stepping off seven hours later at JFK. The ship, a clipper called Lady Piscine, was quite large by the standard of the day, but I thought was too small and potentially dangerous. However, the Lambert family arrived en block at Southampton four days before sailing.
It took an age to load all the provisions and furniture that Roger had acquired. Crate after crate was loaded and I knew that he had spent all the money we had in preparing for this little jaunt. We had four horses and one carriage. I was surprised that they managed to dismantle the carriage to quite small components. I hoped that none would be lost on the journey.
Everyone said we were mad, but I was quietly supportive of Roger’s dream. I knew that part of him suffered during the Napoleonic wars, particularly in Spain. It still hurt him to live in the home where his first wife had died bringing William into the world. Despite the joy that we had found in each other, he wanted to break away from the old world and start afresh.
I was sad when we locked up the Manor and departed. Roger gave the keys to his brother-in-law, as we had arranged to rent the house to a doctor and his family who were moving into the area. It would bring us a little income, over and above any profit from the plantation. We reserved the right to sell it if we no longer needed it.
I had been very happy here, but I was also very excited, as I was eager to see my real home for the first time. I felt privileged to be able to see this slice of history, despite the silly clothes that I was forced to wear. I was very content to be a woman, particularly as it had surpassed all my expectations and dreams. There was nothing I didn’t like, even my monthly bleed was a symbol of my womanhood, and perhaps I was blessed with a light bleed with little or no discomfort. I would have preferred tampons, however, as the eighteenth century’s equivalent were messy and rather cumbersome, but knowing no difference, I actually yearned to be a woman in my own time.
I rarely thought about my real life as Edward Ryan, as I was leading such a full one as Jane. It was as if Edward had been a dream and this was my real life. On those occasions that I did think of such matters, I would wonder what my life would have been like had Edward not been burdened with the desire to be what I now so enjoyed being.
Had fighting those desires forced me to become the Marine, the tough guy, the warrior?
Would I have been a very different person if that conflict not been part of my life?
I had no answers, only more questions, so as I had no way of changing who or what I was, I just forgot about Edward and concentrated on enjoying being Jane.
We finally set sail with the tide on a pleasant sunny morning in October, and although there was a fair wind, the sea was relatively kind to us for the first couple of days.
However, we hit stronger winds and rougher seas on the third day. The crew rushed about lashing everything down tight. The Captain asked all passengers to remain below in their cabins, so Oliver went to calm the horses. I lost Katie, but then realised that she would be with Snowflake, and Oliver. She was nearly twelve now, and was beginning to blossom. She completely captivated Oliver, but she had been quite sensible about him. She liked him, but realised that they were both too young to start being to serious about each other, besides she was eager to meet her cousins and all the other young men of the New World.
Roger’s brother, James, had married a local girl, Charlotte Rose, and they had three children, the eldest, Henry, was a few months younger than Katie. Henry had a younger sister, Lucy and a brother Jonathon. I could tell that Roger was excited about seeing his brother again, as he would spend time telling me of their lives together whilst growing up. He left me with a feeling that most of what he told me was selective, and than many of the less happy times were conveniently forgotten.
With the sea so rough, we would spend the time in our cabin, and the bunk was the most comfortable place to be. Little Emily was in a rocker crib, so the motion of the ship tended not to affect her at all. In any case, she slept through even the worst storm, while Edward thought it was all such fun. William was a little sick, but Katie was too concerned about Snowflake to worry about anything else.
Abigail and the others found it slightly distressing, but on the fifth day, it became calmer and the sun came out again. We were aiming for Newport News, and Norfolk, on the Chesapeake. The children liked to watch the crew in the rigging, and William in particular was eager to follow their example, often being forcibly restrained from climbing into the rigging at times.
It was a great adventure. I found it mildly amusing that I came from an era of supersonic transportation and instantaneous global communications, where these tall ships still offered the same thrill as when they were at the cutting edge of the transportation system.
There were thirty other passengers. All were seeking their fortunes in the New World. Several like Roger, were disillusioned servicemen, who wanted a break from the past. Others were impoverished aristocrats, who had sold up in the hope that their fortunes could be replenished in the plantations in the Deep South.
One man, Joseph Banyard, was quite a wealthy, self-made man. He had made his money supplying provisions to the Navy and Wellington’s army. He was leaving Britain as he feared for his life. It seems that he had not been quite as honest with his dealings as he should have been. Much of the meat and supposedly fresh produce was rank and spoiled before it ever reached the poor soldiers and sailors. Some of the soldiery decided to wreak revenge upon the man, so he had sold up, bought a plot of land in Georgia, escaping while he could.
I found him an unpleasant oaf, and Roger took an instant dislike to the man. He had a daughter called Sophia who was of a similar age to Katie, and they became friends. The man’s poor wife was a nervous little creature called Phyllis, at whom we would often hear him shouting for some miniscule misdemeanour.
One evening I was standing watching the sunset when she came walking swiftly along, almost falling into me due to the pitch and roll of the ship. I held out my arms and managed to hold onto her.
“Oh, my. I thank you, Madam, I really cannot get used to the sea,” she said.
She had hardly set foot out of her cabin for the entire journey, and this was only the second time I had seen her. We had not even been introduced.
“It does make walking somewhat tricky,” I agreed, looking closely at her. I noticed a large bruise to her face, as if a fist had knocked onto the side of it.
“Madam, are you all right? That looks a nasty bruise,” I asked.
“It is nothing, I slipped and hit my head on some ship’s timbers,” she said.
My arse, I thought, he hits the poor cow.
“I’m Jane Lambert, you must be Mrs Banyard?”
“That is quite correct. I have not been well, the sickness,” she said.
“William was a little sick, but the rest of us seem to have acquired our sea legs. I think my maid, Abigail was a little sick, but she seems all right now.”
“You have your servants with you?”
“Only my husband’s valet, his wife, who will be our cook and housekeeper, my maid, and the groom. We had to let the others go,” I said, and realised how grand it made me sound.
“Gracious, what a large household. How many children have you?”
“We have four, Katie, who is nearly twelve, William who is five, Edward, two and little Emily who is but a few weeks.”
“You do not look old enough to have a twelve year-old.”
“Alas, she and William are the children of my husband and his first wife. She died giving birth to William. Edward
and Emily are mine.”
“I see. So you must be Lady Jane Lambert?”
“That’s right, but I make no great noise about the title, as in America it is of no consequence.”
“I read of you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, you are quite famous, if I recall, you and your husband saved the Duke of Wellington’s life in Paris.”
“Ah, that. Yes, we were involved in a little excitement. An assassin decided to take the Duke’s life. I noticed him, so my husband, who was a Colonel of Dragoons, was able to reach the man before he could shoot the Duke. A dragoon’s sabre is not a forgiving weapon.”
Roger came onto the deck and found us conversing. He wrapped his arms about me and kissed me on the cheek.
“Good evening, Madam,” he said to my companion.
“Sir Roger,” she said, bowing her head slightly.
“You’ll be Mrs Banyard?”
“Yes sir. Phyllis Banyard. I had better go.”
“Oh, why so, Phyllis? It’s a lovely evening, and these fine sunsets are so rare,” I said.
“My husband, Madam, he does not like me to mix with people.”
We bade her goodnight, watching as she scuttled below.
“Poor wretch, did you see her face?” Roger asked.
“I did. He is a brute, how I would like to give him a taste of his own medicine,” I said.
Roger laughed.
“Oh, you fearsome wench. Woe-betide any man that crosses you. Did you know you are so beautiful when you are angry?”
“That’s only because I’m not angry with you. And, who is looking after Emily, I thought you were?”
