by Claire Raye
“I know, Nora. But even though I think you’re happy with Ryan and things in your life have changed for the better, Elliot will always be someone you want. The one thing you will always seek even if you aren’t literally looking for him.”
“Alice, you seriously can’t do this to me now. I was finally starting to let myself fall for Ryan and now you come in here with this shit and it fucks everything up.” My voice is loud, a near yell, but Alice doesn’t seem at all flustered by my response.
“You can blame me, Nora if you want, but just because you don’t say it out loud doesn’t make it true. You’ve never stopped thinking about Elliot.”
Alice is right. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t cross my mind and each time, I feel my heart shatter into a million pieces. I want to end all of this, but I physically cannot make myself stop.
“No, but at least I can fake it if I just keep my mouth shut.” I let out an exasperated huff and flop down on the couch. I can feel the threat of tears forming and that’s the last thing I need right now. Ryan and James will be here any minute and I don’t want to have to explain that I’m once again crying over a guy I met for a total of twelve hours and somehow managed to fall head over heels in love with.
The buzzer sounds and Alice looks at me with sympathetic eyes. “You ready?” she asks and I leave the couch, grabbing a cardigan from my closet, I meet her by the door. “I’m sorry,” she whispers before hugging me.
“It’s not your fault I’m a fuck up.”
“I shouldn’t have brought it up. I knew it would upset you, but I still did it.”
“I think you were looking for a distraction from all of this too. This takes your mind off the grand opening and lets you focus on someone who has more drama in their life than you.”
“Whatever it is, I think we both could use a vacation from it,” Alice says, linking arms with me and tugging me out the door.
Alice’s party goes off without a hitch and all her wealthy clients managed to bring her in a whole bunch of new business. Alice is beaming but exhausted by the time it ends and James calls them a cab and the two leave together, leaving Ryan and me to finish the last of the clean up.
As I’m folding up the last of the chairs, Ryan takes the garbage to the trash chute. The rental company will be by tomorrow morning to pick everything up and I know Alice has a shoot scheduled here at noon. I don’t want her worrying about whether everything will be ready or not, so Ryan and I take care of it.
He slings his arm around my shoulders and I lean into him as we leave the studio. I’m tired, but I’m still so happy for Alice.
“You seem different,” Ryan says as we exit the building and start to make the walk back to my apartment.
“Really?” I question. “How?”
“I don’t know. You seem happier.”
“I am. I’m happy for Alice.”
“That’s not what I mean. You seem happier with me tonight.”
“Ryan,” I say, trying to choose the right words. I feel badly he even notices my distant behavior toward him. None of this is his fault.
“You don’t need to explain,” he says, silencing me before I can continue. I’m not sure what I would’ve said anyway. Made some excuse, lied to him. And I’m not even sure I’m happier with him, I think I’m just growing more comfortable with the idea of being with someone that isn’t Elliot.
I cradle myself against him as we walk and even though I’ve grown used to feeling his arms around me, his body pressed to mine, at times it still feels strange.
As we approach my building, Ryan stops me, taking my face in his hands, he kisses me and something about it makes me smile. The suddenness of it, the way it makes my breath catch, the feeling of his warm hands on my face, but when he pulls away, I swallow hard and feel a rush of anxiety surge through me. I shiver despite the warm July evening and the feeling of being on edge escalates. Something in me prompts me to look away from Ryan and when I do, I focus on the entrance to my apartment building.
I look down the darkened street only to see a man leave my building. His back is to me, but I feel like I know him. Something about him is familiar and my body screams at me to chase him down the street, to stop him, but I can’t.
“Do you know him?” Ryan asks and he quickly brings me back to him, his fingers brushing my cheek.
“I don’t think so,” I say, not wanting to elaborate on my need to find out who it was. I shrug my shoulders, making light of it and entwine my fingers with Ryan’s and lead him to the door.
The doorman is talking to someone when we enter and he gives us a quick nod of his head before returning to his conversation. I regard him with a small wave and Ryan and I disappear into the elevator.
I thought it was beginning to fade, that I was slowly getting over him. I’d have my moments, but nothing big and then this happens. The obsession finds its way back and for some reason I saw Elliot in that guy, the one walking away from my apartment. In the past I found myself searching the faces of the people walking by, looking for Elliot, hoping he would somehow find his way to me.
Writing the book brought all my insecurities out and with each word I wrote, sometimes the feelings would be too strong. I found myself wondering about Elliot and what had become of his life. It was almost too much to bear, thinking about him moving on with his life. I couldn’t think about him loving someone else. I needed him to remain in my memory and as much as I want to forget, I can’t let go.
Chapter Twenty-One: Elliot
The cab ride from the airport to my hotel seems unusually long and the traffic is never-ending. I opted to stay near the address I found so I don’t have to take a cab. I’ll be able to walk to what I hope is Nora’s apartment and in my warped and fucked up mind, I’m thinking it’s going to be that simple, that she’ll be home and we’ll pick up where we left off. In a way I have to believe this is going to work or I’ve wasted twelve years of my life. Thirteen if I count this year.
I pay for the cab and check into my hotel room. The fucked up thing is that I don’t have a return flight. I set a date to check out of the hotel in two days, but I never booked a flight. Wishful thinking, I guess, but I know I can’t stay. It’s not even a viable option and in a way it’s totally fucking creepy. I can’t just insert myself into her life.
I’m now sitting on the bed in the hotel room as my head starts to spin.
What the fuck am I doing here?
It now suddenly seems completely fucking crazy. I’ve given absolutely no thought to any of this. Driven by spontaneity and obviously insanity, I flew to New York without a plan or any idea how I would approach the situation. I try to imagine what it would be like for someone to show up at my apartment unannounced and uninvited, someone from my past, someone I might not actually want to see. But then, I’m biased, because if Nora showed up at my place I’d be fucking ecstatic. I don’t even know what to do at this point.
I pull my laptop from my bag and quickly begin to search for a return flight, because if this is an epic fucking disaster, I’m going to want to get the hell home. But then instead, I locate the name of her publisher and her agent, I send an email explaining who I am, leaving a brief explanation, nothing too over the top and hopefully I will hear back from them before I go on this fucking journey to find Nora.
A couple of hours have passed and I’m sitting in a bar where I have now had lunch, drank a few pints and checked my phone at least a million times. Still nothing from Nora’s publisher or agent in response to my email, but it is Sunday. Right now I have two choices, find Nora or go home. I drink a few more beers and let the hours pass until it’s late in the afternoon and it seems like the more I drink the more this idea becomes fucking ridiculous. But I came here to find her and that’s what I’m going to do.
I leave the bar with the intention of going to what I assume is Nora’s apartment, but I realize I’m far more drunk than I planned on getting. Showing up unannounced and drunk is not exactly the impression I want to make,
so I head back to my hotel to sober up.
It doesn’t take long before I pass out on the bed and wake up a couple of hours later in a panic. I can’t remember where the fuck I am and then it hits me as I look out the window and see the sun just beginning to set. This time the panic returns, and not because I can’t remember where I am, but because I’m running out of time. I need to get my shit together and see if I can find Nora.
I wash my face, brush my teeth and grab my phone from the nightstand and immediately head to the address I have for Nora.
It only takes me about fifteen minutes to walk there from the hotel and I look at my watch as I approach the main entrance to the building. It’s a little after seven and I’m hoping she’ll be home given it’s a Sunday.
I’m hit with a rush of anxiety as I pull open the door that leads to a vestibule entryway stationed with a doorman.
“Can I help you?” he asks as I look around and debate how I should approach this.
“I’m looking for Nora Mills,” I say quickly and he shakes his head and gives me a look that says he’s sorry.
“You just missed her,” he says with a smile. “Would you like to leave a message? I can let her know you stopped by,” he adds kindly, but I regard him with a quick shake of my head and let him know I’ll try back later.
And that’s exactly what I do two hours later and once again right before midnight, but as I walk in, the same doorman is sitting at the desk and this time, he isn’t as friendly as he has been.
“She hasn’t returned,” he says tersely when he sees my face, and I know my returning three different times is bordering on stalking and is probably creepy as fuck. “You want to leave your name?” he says, but it comes across as more of a demand.
It’s now that I’m realizing this was obviously a mistake. I’ve gone about this all wrong. I never should’ve just shown up here, but when I turn to leave I see her standing a few feet from the entrance to the building.
My heart begins to race, pounding against my ribs making it hard to breathe. I’d recognize her no matter what. The memory of her face is seared into my brain. Every memory of her is stronger than anything else. I watch her walk toward the building but she doesn’t see me and that’s when I see him. He takes her face in his hands and kisses her. I watch her body fold into his and he wraps his arms around her. She smiles at him as she pulls away and my entire body tenses with jealousy, with anger and with hurt. I don’t have any right to feel this way, but I can’t stop the emotions from ripping through my body. My fists are clenched at my sides and I have an irrational need to punch this asshole in the face, but then reality hits me.
She has a life that doesn’t include me. She was never mine to begin with and seeing her with another guy makes that boldly obvious. I’m not here to ruin anyone’s life. I’m here to find her and that’s just what I did, and from what I’m looking at, she’s happy. I shouldn’t be here.
Without her noticing me, I walk out the door and back to my hotel. I’m so fucking grateful I booked my flight home for early tomorrow morning.
After all this time, after all the searching, after the fucking mess this shit created, I now have my answer.
She’s moved on without me.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Nora
The next morning while Ryan is still sleeping, I slip out of bed and toss on some sweats. I stop before leaving the room and take in Ryan. He’s beautiful and for some reason he wants to be with me, despite my inability to commit to him fully. His face is peaceful and content as the sheets lay loosely over his muscled chest. Everything about him is practically perfect, except the fact that he’s with me.
Sleepily, I take myself downstairs, set on hitting up the coffee shop down the street that Ryan loves. It’s early, far earlier than I would get up after being out as late as I was last night. Ryan took the day off work and given my new career, I no longer report to an office at a set time, so I should be sleeping in.
The doorman hasn’t changed shifts yet and we greet each other in the same manner as we did last night. A nod of the head and a quick wave, but just before I’m about to step out the door, he calls my name, “Miss Mills?” he says with a curious tone to his voice.
“Yes?” I answer, turning to look at him. I know all the doormen who work in the building and while I’m always friendly, I’ve never personally carried on a conversation with them. I’ve lived here for six years, so I’m not surprised he knows my name, but I’ve never been addressed formally by any of them.
“A gentleman came by last night looking for you,” he says and I stop dead in my tracks. “Several times and the last time was quite late…” He trails off, stopping to watch my face fall. I’m a few feet from the reception desk, but I can’t make myself walk any closer. I feel my stomach clench and a rush of air escapes my lungs. It’s suddenly incredibly warm in the lobby and I can’t seem to get enough air. I suck in deep breath but it does nothing to ease the tightness that has taken hold of my body.
“You okay, Miss Mills?” the doorman asks. I nod but say nothing, and instead of waiting to hear what he has to say, I leave the building without a clue as to where I’m going. I just know I can’t be here.
It was him.
It was Elliot.
I have nothing but a twenty-dollar bill in my hand and the keys to my apartment. I have no idea where I’m going to go, but I sure as hell can’t go back to my apartment with my boyfriend sleeping in my bed and the look of holy-fucking-shit written all over my face.
I left my phone on the nightstand so I can’t call Alice and I’m not even sure what I would say to her if I did.
“I think I saw Elliot but I can’t be sure. It was just a guy leaving my apartment, but I felt weird and then the doorman told me someone came by to see me but didn’t leave his name.” Yeah, all of that sounds totally logical. Not that anything in my life that has had to do with Elliot has ever sounded logical.
Fuck me.
There’s no way it was him. The disbelief is hitting me hard. Denial being the only way to explain what I’m feeling, because at this moment nothing else makes sense. Sometimes it’s the best way to explain away something you just don’t fully understand. How could it possibly be him after all this time and why would he be trying to find me now?
I have to get home and talk to Alice. She’s the only one who understands all of this and trying to explain this to Ryan will only drive a wedge between us. Being hung up on someone you barely know and trying to rationalize it with your current boyfriend isn’t exactly ideal for a growing relationship.
I head to the coffee shop determined to keep things normal until I can get in touch with Alice, then I’ll fall apart.
I feel like I’m walking through a drug-induced haze. I order coffee, pay and collect the cups without ever remembering I’ve done it. I make my way back to my apartment and when I enter the lobby, it feels surreal, like I’ve done it all in a dream rather than real life. My mind is somewhere else, but my body is going through the movements.
“There you are,” Ryan says as I enter the apartment and his voice nearly knocks me on my ass. Startled and still really confused as to what is even going on, I smile at him, but it’s weak.
I can feel his eyes on me, so I say the first thing I can think of. “I don’t feel good,” I mutter, setting the coffee down on the kitchen table. I can almost feel his unease radiating through the room and it makes what I’m feeling magnified.
“What’s wrong?” he asks, but his voice is unsteady, like he can read what I’m thinking.
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel well,” I respond and it’s a terrible excuse. I don’t know what else to tell him. All I know is I need him to leave because I can’t lose my shit with him sitting in my living room.
“Okay,” Ryan says. “I’ll get going, but I’ll check on you later.” He says his last line as if he’s stating a fact, but I know there is more of a question posed. He wants to know if I’m insensitive enough to end it here and never sp
eak to him again. He’s not stupid. He can sense my hesitation and my uneasiness.
A sick feeling takes over as Ryan gathers his things and opens the door to my apartment. He didn’t ask for this and he doesn’t deserve this, but I can’t make myself ask him to stay.
I’m a complete hypocrite and I’ve done nothing but string him along for the last eight months. I let him get close, and then I pull away. Each time giving him hope that we can be something more than just on the edge of a relationship. I’ve never hated myself so much in my life.
As soon as the door closes I’m crying. Not just crying, sobbing and when I finally pull it together to call Alice, it starts all over again.
“Jesus fuck,” Alice yells when all she hears is me sobbing into the phone. “What is going on, Nora? For fuck’s sake say something.”
“Can you come over? I think I saw Elliot yesterday and I think he’s looking for me,” I stutter out choking back the ragged breaths.
“What?” Alice says and the shock in her voice is apparent. “Are you sure?”
“No, I’m not sure.”
“Then why the hell are you so worked up?”
“Can you just come over so I can explain to you what happened? Right now I’m a fucking mess.” I sound entirely too demanding for a person who should be begging for help. After everything that has happened over the last year, I should be over this shit, but this incident has just sent me into a tailspin.
“I’ll be over in a few,” Alice says, but she lets out a long exhale. I can tell she’s growing tired of my bullshit and I want to tell her she owes me after years of dealing with her crap, but the thought must cross her mind at the same time. “I’m sorry this is happening, Nora. You know I’m always here to help.”
“Thanks, Alice,” I respond with the tears starting up again.
An hour later Alice and I are sitting on the couch as I dish out exactly what happened. There is really nothing that says the person looking for me was Elliot, but who else could it possibly be. What I don’t understand is why, after all this time, he would be looking for me now.
