4
Activate Your Prose
After you’ve cut the clutter from your writing, take a look at the actual prose—the words you’ve used and how you’ve used them. This is the level that is often overlooked, but it’s the level that makes a big difference in how professional your writing looks and, in particular, how immediate and engaging the prose is. The less action-orientated your book is, the more important your prose is in keeping readers engaged.
'To be' Verbs
The verb ‘to be’ and all its variations (be, am, are, is, being, was, were, been) are known as passive verbs. They are general verbs, and rather bland compared to the more specific options that can often be used in their stead. Prose with a lot of such verbs lacks immediacy and is less engaging than prose that uses more active verbs. ‘Was’ and ‘were’ are the main ones writers overuse. Your prose will improve if you replace them with a specific, active verb, or restructure the sentence to avoid them.
Examples:
He was after her like a shot. (Passive.)
He raced after her like a shot. (Active.)
She was at the lookout, staring over the railing. (Passive.)
She stood at the lookout, staring over the railing. (Active.)
Their toes were numb with cold. (Passive.)
The cold numbed their toes. (Active.)
When I’m self-editing, I search for all those ‘was’es and ‘were’s and see if I can write the sentences better without them. I usually can. This one tip made a huge difference to the quality of my prose.
The More Evil 'was ... ing'.
Using ‘was’ or ‘were’ or ‘is’ or any other version of the verb ‘to be’ along with a participle ending in ‘ing’ is very passive where there are better alternatives. Replace these forms with a more active verb, or see how your sentence reads if you restructure the sentence to avoid it. Often it’s just a matter of replacing the ‘ing’ ending participle with an ‘ed’ ending one. The ‘ed’ verb forms are more immediate than the ‘ing’ ending forms.
Examples:
She was running along the road.
She ran along the road.
They were coughing up blood.
They coughed up blood.
He was skipping towards the car with Jacob’s hand in his.
He skipped towards the car with Jacob’s hand in his.
If it was important that the skipping occurred at the time of a character’s observation of the event, you would leave it as ‘was skipping’, as in the following: She turned to the sound of feet on pavement. He was skipping towards the car with Jacob’s hand in his.
'ing' and 'ed'
‘Ing’ ending verbs diminish the action, which is fine when the action is subsidiary to the main action, but it’s not good usage for the main action in a sentence. Make sure the most important action has an ‘ed’ ending. Such words are much stronger and more active, so change ‘ing’s to ‘ed’s where you can. Try not to use more than one ‘ing’ ending word in any one sentence or your prose will quickly lose its impact. In summary: use ‘ed’ endings for primary actions and ‘ing’ endings only for subsidiary actions.
Compare:
‘Enough play,’ the demon growled, glaring at Nick, his mouth dripping green flames.
With:
‘Enough play!’ The demon glared at Nick. Green flames dripped from its mouth.
'ing' Starting Sentences
Avoid beginning a sentence with an ‘ing’ ending participle phrase.
Example:
Running through the trees, she shouted for help.
Although this can be effective occasionally (once per 10,000 words is a good guideline), excessive repetition can make your prose flat and ‘samey’, and at the very least lacking in sophistication. It’s often awkward as well. It gives the impression that the author is trying to do something different, and that’s the problem—it’s noticeable. In good writing, we don’t notice the words.
Try restructuring sentences to avoid this construction. Remember also that whatever action you assign an ‘ing’ ending to is a subsidiary action and that when you use this kind of construction the two actions must be simultaneous, as in the running and shouting in the example above.
In the chapter on sophistication in the book Self-Editing for Fiction Writers, Second Edition: How to Edit Yourself Into Print by Renni Brown & David King, on page 193 they say that this construction is a mark of a ‘hack’ writer. (Ouch.)
Apparently, some people suggest that this advice is not relevant today, but just as a lot of people stealing doesn’t make stealing acceptable practice, the existence of many books displaying this problem doesn’t make it good writing. These writers simply aren’t aware how it weakens their writing—and why risk being thought of as a hack writer when you have so many other options for sentence constructions?
Unfortunately, even experienced and successful indie authors can make this mistake simply because no one has made them aware of it—or they have ignored the advice—and the more who do it, the more people think it’s okay—it really isn’t. Ignore this advice and some people will discard your work as amateurish. You’ll never know because they won’t tell you; they’re too busy editing books, teaching their creative writing students or reading better quality books.
Beware of those who reject advice, such as this, that has come from those who have worked as editors for big publishing houses for years, because their arguments often come from defensiveness. “I’m an indie—I can do what I like,” they say, and that’s fine, if you don’t care that you look like an untrained dancer trying to dance ballet. The fact that many of those watching won’t notice that you aren’t pointing your toes doesn’t make it good dance.
If you think this partial ban on ‘ing’ ending participles heading up sentences is a matter of stylistic choice that you can afford to ignore, show me a book published by the Big Six that overuses this construction, and ask yourself if doggedly holding onto a few dubious sentence constructions isn’t more a matter of ego than writing practice.
Besides, how often do sentences starting with a verb ending in ‘ing’ actually sound good?
Does this really sound better?
Running down the road, she got hit by a car. Thinking quickly, and rolling out of the way of oncoming traffic, she ended up in the gutter but still alive.
Than this?
She ran down the road, but a car hit her. Quick thinking saved her. She rolled out of the way of oncoming traffic and ended up in the gutter but still alive.
And so far, I’ve only talked about the grammatically correct version. Don’t let your participle dangle. When you do use a participle phrase, make sure that it is connected to a human agency. The word after the comma, should refer to a human, not an object.
Wrong: Having been named chairman, the meeting was called by Craig.
This is called a dangling participle because the participle is not attached to a human agency. Craig was named chairman, not the meeting.
Correct: Having been named chairman, Craig called the meeting.
'There Was', 'It Was'
Using forms of the ‘to be’ verb after ‘it’, ‘there’, ‘this’ and ‘that’ is best avoided, especially at the beginning of a sentence. They are unspecific and therefore rather dull words and are usually unnecessary, which means if you’re using them a lot, you’re overwriting. When added to the problems with using the ‘to be’ verbs, their use makes for particularly uninteresting writing. Only use these terms if it’s necessary for the character’s voice, or for some stylistic purpose.
Try writing the sentence without this construction and see if it becomes sleeker and more interesting. It will.
Example:
There was something about her that made him stay quiet.
Something about her made him stay quiet.
'As '
Cut back the ‘as he’ or ‘as she’ constructs. They weaken the writing by making one of the actions subservient to and the
refore less important than the other. (That’s why it’s called a subordinate clause.) Replace the subordinating conjunction ‘as’ with a coordinating conjunction such as ‘and’ and you’ll have two independent clauses of equal strength.
‘As’ at the beginning of a sentence is particularly best avoided if you want immediate writing because it’s a periodic sentence—the reader has to wait until the end of the sentence to find out what’s happening. It puts a delay before the action, and focuses on that rather than on the action itself.
Example:
Compare:
As he’d heard about the coming rain, John turned off the sprinkler.
With:
John turned off the sprinkler as he’d heard about the coming rain.
And:
John heard about the coming rain and turned off the sprinkler.
The last version gives emphasis to the fact that rain was coming, instead of making it of secondary importance as the other constructions do.
'Could' and 'Would'
Words like ‘could’ and ‘would’ are often unnecessary, and in some instances put distance between the reader and the character. They also delay the action, so it’s not as immediate. Locate these in your writing and see how your sentences read without them.
Example:
Whenever he saw her walk down the street, he would run out to play with her.
Whenever he saw her walk down the street, he ran out to play with her.
In British English, ‘can’ or ‘could’ are often used with verbs of perception such as ‘see’, ‘hear’, ‘taste’, ‘feel’, ‘smell’, (e.g. She could smell his shampoo). Though this is common usage, the ‘could’ is not actually necessary, and American English will often use these verbs independently of ‘can’ or ‘could’ (e.g. She smelled his shampoo). As in many cases where conventions differ, Australian English uses either.
The Unnecessary 'to'
You don’t need to tell us what a character is going to do, or why they are going to do it—as in ‘in order to’. Just have them do it. The writing and characterisation should be clear enough to indicate motivation without you telling the reader they went ‘to’ do something. Such usage is another mark of overwriting.
Example:
He turned to go back the other way.
He turned back.
Or:
He turned back the other way.
'Started to' and 'Began to'
The words ‘began to’, ‘started to’ and ‘attempted to’ and so on delay the action, making it less immediate. Just have your characters do it. ‘Started’ and ‘began’ are often simply unnecessary. They’re a mark of overwriting. Try leaving them out.
Example:
Mary began to skip down the block.
Mary skipped down the block.
Don't Overuse 'Looks'
Don’t rely too much on ‘looked’, as in, ‘he looked angry’ or ‘she looked beautiful’. Instead of writing that something looks beautiful, gorgeous, handsome, horrible and so on, try describing the object so the reader can make that call themselves.
Try writing the description without using the word ‘looked’. Describe the action or expression or physical characteristic that makes you think someone ‘looks angry’—they may be stamping their feet—or ‘looks beautiful’—they may have long golden hair and sparkling blue eyes.
Compare the following:
Walnut looked thoughtful.
Walnut frowned and shook his head.
Of course, like all the other things I’m talking about, it’s not wrong to use ‘looked’; sometimes it’s more natural to do so when in a character’s voice, but don’t use it all the time. It’s a lazy way of writing.
'Heard', 'Saw', 'Knew' & 'Felt'
Using she or he ‘heard’/‘saw’/‘knew’ or ‘felt’ removes the reader from the scene. It reminds them that they’re reading about someone. If you describe what a character actually hears, sees, knows or feels without saying that they hear, see, know or feel it, you draw the reader into the scene more. This makes them identify more strongly with the character, making the writing more engaging. Sometimes it is necessary to write this way, but don’t use it all the time. Consider how the sentence would sound without it.
Compare:
She peered over the rock and saw that the area was swarming with demons.
With:
She peered over the rock. The area swarmed with demons.
'When' at the Start of a Sentence
Using ‘when’ at the start of a sentence isn’t bad; it sounds fine and you’ll want to use it sometimes, but you need to be aware that it delays the action and makes it less immediate, so don’t use it a lot where you want exciting writing. Sentences are more active with the subject at the start.
Example:
When they reached the high road, they took a right turn.
They reached the high road and took a right turn.
Order the Action in Order
Where immediacy is important, write whatever happens first, first, otherwise you’re taking the reader forward then back again. You don’t want anything to stop the onward flow.
Example:
After arriving at the village, they ordered dinner before heading off to bed.
That isn’t bad writing, but see how we go from after an event to before one, and we’re never in the same time frame as the event. If we want to keep a tight hold on our reader’s attention, this might be a better option:
They arrived in the village, ordered dinner, then headed off to bed.
Both are fine, one is just more immediate.
Watch Those Eyes
Do eyes dart all over the place and follow people, or is it a character’s gaze that does the darting and following? Be careful here; it’s easy to inadvertently give the impression that a character’s eyes have jumped out of their sockets and ‘roamed’ the countryside, or ‘jumped’ from one person to another. Scanned is a suitable replacement, as in ‘James scanned the countryside’ instead of ‘James’s eyes roamed the countryside’, and ‘gaze’ is a safer word to use than ‘eyes’ when you’re referring to where a character is looking.
Also watch that you haven’t overused eye rolls. Do a search for ‘rolled’, as in ‘she/he rolled his eyes’, and note the page numbers where you find them. Make sure there’s a good number of pages between each usage. Rolling eyes can drive some readers crazy. Do the same with the word ‘heart’ to make sure your characters don’t have over-active hearts that do an awful lot of pounding, thumping, fluttering, lifting, dropping and so on. ‘Stomach’ is another good one to check if you’re inclined to write that characters’ stomachs flutter, churn, clench and so on. More of this is acceptable in romance and YA, but still make sure you’ve got plenty of pages between usages.
Some people also say that jaws shouldn’t drop, and people can’t growl or hiss when they’re speaking, as in, “Get out of here,” he growled. Others accept such things—I do. I consider that my jaw drops when I’m surprised and that people can speak in a growl, though, strictly speaking, you can’t hiss and speak at the same time.
Whether these sorts of usages are acceptable or are overused is a subjective area, but readers do have pet hates, and it’s important to be aware of them so that you don’t write something really ridiculous.
I read something like this once: George threw his eyes out the window, searching for his dog as they drove along.
I guessed he would have been blind after that.
Vary Your Sentence Structures
Many consecutive sentences that have the same construction make for dull reading. Make some short, some long, some complex, some simple and so on. To vary them, you can combine sentences or cut them in two, or shift phrases around in the sentence. In particular, don’t start more than a couple of sentences in a row with a character name or pronoun like ‘he’, ‘she’, ‘I’ or ‘they.’
Don’t worry about this when you’re writing your first draft, o
f course. Don’t break your flow trying to vary your sentence structure. At that stage, just write. Look at this at the editing stage when you read your work aloud. If the rhythm doesn’t vary, then vary your sentence construction.
Sentences can be:
Simple: a single clause with one finite verb—a clause contains a subject (noun or pronoun and its modifiers—what is being talked about) and predicate (a complete verb form and its modifiers—what is being said about it). E.g. Sam ate the cherry.
Complex: more than one clause. E.g. Sam ate the cherry and Joan drank the wine.
Compound: one main clause (stands alone with a complete meaning) with one or more subordinate clauses (that don’t make complete sense on their own). E.g. Sam ate the cherry, which was somewhat bruised after the beating he’d given it.
Compound complex: two or more coordinating main clauses plus at least one subordinate clause. E.g. Sam ate the cherry, which was somewhat bruised after the beating he’d given it, and Joan drank the wine.
Sentences can also be described as:
Loose: the main idea is expressed first and other elements are added on. E.g. The teacher destroyed the tests after someone displayed the questions online.
Periodic: saves the main idea until the end. Used too often, this can annoy readers because they have to read to the end to find out the main point, e.g. After someone displayed the questions online, the teacher destroyed the tests.
The Elements of Active Prose Page 8
