by Lauren Wood
My tongue tied up in knots with a million arguments I wanted to make all at once. I was starting to be too flustered to speak, so I marched off again. As I went, I quickly added over my shoulder, “You have no idea what it’s like to be a single, child-free woman trying to make it in a male-dominated workforce. Just stick to what you actually do understand … Conning women into sleeping with you.”
I had half a mind to flip him a middle finger on my way out, but I realized that might have been a bit too much. And anyway, it wouldn’t help solve my problem of finding a fiancé in less than an hour. I rushed out onto the busy streets in front of Ben’s office and started walking aimlessly, muttering to myself the whole way.
How to find a fake fiancé … Think, think, think. And fast. Would an escort service do that sort of thing? Surely they would. And I could rummage up some pictures of a fake kid from a catalogue. Oh my god, Kate. Now you’re no better than Ben is. Not just lying about a fiancé but a child on top of that!? What is happening to you!?
I was starting to think I might be better off just quitting my job and moving off to a whole new state where I might find a job at a firm that didn’t force me into telling such ridiculous lies just to stand a chance at getting ahead. I felt sick to my stomach over it all and ducked into an ice cream shop, hoping that some chocolate might soothe my nerves.
I sat down with my small cup of fudge brownie ice cream at one of the speckled tables and sulked in the nightmare of the mess I had gotten myself into. The more I thought it all over, the more impossible it seemed to fix. Then I glanced at how little time I had left and sank into an even deeper state of misery.
“Is that helping?”
I jumped up at the sound of the man’s voice, looking up to realize Ben was standing there.
“You followed me?” I scoffed.
“Can I sit?” He motioned to the chair across from me.
“Do whatever you want,” I grumbled. “Nothing matters to me anymore.”
“Has anyone ever told you that you’re a little dramatic?” he quipped.
I stared back at him blankly. “Of course I’m dramatic. I work in advertising, where everything has to be so big and larger than life and beautiful and amazing all the time … or else it doesn’t sell. But even aside from that, I think I’m justified in freaking out this time. I have thirty minutes before I have to go tell my boss that I lied … or just lie some more. Either way, I have this sneaking suspicion that this will result in me being fired.”
“I’d say you could come work for me, but I have a strict ‘no lying employees’ policy.”
“Stoooop,” I whined, rolling my eyes. “Why are you even here!? Did you just come to rub it all in some more!?”
“No, I came to help,” he stated plainly.
I perked up in shock. “Help? How? And what makes you think I’d want your help now? You’re not the charming, nice guy I thought you were at the coffee shop.”
“You don’t think I’m charming anymore?” he fretted. But he changed his tune as he saw me squirming in my seat, getting ready to tell him to leave me alone. “Okay, okay. Sorry. My charm aside, I will still go with you to this dinner tonight if you want me to.”
I considered it for a moment. I didn’t know if I still wanted him to, but I was even more confused about why he was offering.
“Why would you want to help me now?” I puzzled.
“Because of what you said when you were storming off. You’re right. I don’t know what it’s like to be held back at work just because you’re a single woman. But I do know what it’s like to feel left out because you’re not married with kids. All my friends are settled down with families, and it’s a hell of a thing to be a bachelor flying solo at our age. And anyway, I love my job more than anything. It’d suck to be hindered at work just because you’re not paired off and knocked up.”
“It does. It really does,” I nodded.
“So … that’s why I’d like to help you.”
I sucked in a deep breath and couldn’t believe that I was actually considering still going through with the whole thing. Maybe the almost disaster of not having his help was a sign that I didn’t need to keep going with this huge lie. But showing up with Ben and playing along, with the promise of the client and promotion to follow, was a hell of a lot more appealing than any of my other options.
“Okay,” I sighed finally. “Let’s do this. It’s worth a shot. If something goes wrong, it can’t be any worse than what would happen if you didn’t show up with me tonight.”
“Hey, it’s the least I can do for lying to you about the kid and all. And just so you know … I’m probably going to be putting that bit to rest after all of this.” He flashed a big smile, one that I had to admit was still every bit as intoxicating as it seemed to be over coffee.
I quickly shoved down any lingering spark I felt for him and extended my hand to shake his. “Deal,” I said sternly, desperate to make the whole thing more like a business transaction.
“Text your boss and tell him we’ll be late,” he ordered. “I need to run home for a quick shower and change and then I’ll come pick you up.”
“Ugh, yeah. Me too. I have to change. I’ve sweated up a storm in this between the coffee date jitters and then the nightmare of everything that came after,” I confessed. “I live at the Marigold Apartments over on …”
“I’ll find you,” he insisted, cutting me off.
“Wait. What? Don’t you want the address?”
“I know the address,” he shot back, seeming so sure of himself. Almost to the point of being annoying.
“Oh … let me guess. One of your quickie flings lived there or something?” I mocked him, not even bothering to hide my snide tone. I figured we were far past playing niceties.
“No. I own the building.”
With that, he slid his hands into his pockets and strolled out of the shop, looking too cool and confident for his own good. I noticed the way the young woman behind the register stared and salivated at him as he left. I took another look, thinking my whole image of him had changed since earlier that day. He was arrogant and cocky in a way I didn’t notice when we first met. I was probably too blinded by his good looks, which must have been something that happened to a lot of women. Not to mention, he was a liar.
But … at least he was saving my butt at a time when I would have been completely ruined otherwise. I couldn’t say much about the lying part either, considering everything I had pulled that day. I just needed to get through the evening, and then he and I could part ways for good. I could forget I ever met him. After I landed the client and the promotion, I would find something else to make up to explain him away. And then I vowed to never tell a lie again.
4
Ben
When Kate answered her front door, I was waiting down on one knee with a small velvet box in hand. I waited for her to laugh, but all she did was snarl.
“What are you doing?” she huffed. “Get up before one of my neighbors sees you.” She yanked me up by the arm and pulled me inside. “What the hell is that?”
“Jeez, you really need to work on your sense of humor,” I groaned. “It’s a ring. Obviously we can’t be engaged without a ring.”
“Oh,” she replied, looking surprised. “I didn’t even think of that.”
She plucked the diamond from the cushion and held it up. I couldn’t help but notice the way her eyes softened as she studied it. Her expression turned dewey as she tilted her head and let out the faintest, “Awww.”
“It’s beautiful,” she murmured, sliding it onto her finger.
“And now I can officially say I have proposed to a woman,” I joked. “Just in case anyone was starting to think I was totally hopeless.”
“I don’t think this changes the fact that you’re hopeless. But still, it’s lovely. Thank you. Now we better get going. We’re already late.”
She seemed nervous and grumpy as we made our way out to my car an
d jumped in. I plugged the address she gave me into the GPS and took off, hoping conversation would pick up some. But she was about as much fun to be around as a hive full of angry bees.
“Relax,” I told her. “I promise you I’ll be very convincing. I don’t like to sign up for things I know I’ll fail at.”
“Makes sense why you don’t bother with relationships then,” she quipped.
“Hey. Watch it. Don’t forget I’m doing you a favor.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” she sighed. “I just can’t believe my big mouth got me into this mess. If they find out I lied … I’ll look like a total psycho.”
“Well, you already made yourself look like a total psycho in front of me, and you survived.”
“Thanks for the reminder.” She sank back into the seat, looking hopeless.
As I put the car into park, I turned to stare at the enormous manor from top to bottom. It had to have been three or four stories high, complete with elaborate landscaping out front, a huge fountain, and a pool and accompanying pool house in the back.
“Damn,” I grunted with a long whistle. “This is a nice place. Why exactly are you living in that tiny run-down apartment while this guy is in a mansion? Aren’t you just a few ranks down from him?”
She looked out her own window, pulling her purse up over her shoulder. “This promotion would fix that. But my boss probably thinks Chuck deserves the significant bump in pay more just because he has a wife and kids to provide for. Nevermind that I work ten times harder than him every single day.”
I reached out and grabbed her hand, which brought a slight look of alarm to her face. “Hey, that’s what I’m here for. The playing field is even now. Let’s go wow ‘em. And remember … Smile. Look happy. We’re so in love and getting married.”
She nodded and opened the passenger’s side door. I followed behind her, placing my hand on the small of her back. She tensed up and inched away, grumbling through clenched teeth. “What are you doing!?”
“We’re engaged,” I reminded her yet again. “I’ve never had a fiancé, but call me crazy … I think they actually show each other affection and kiss and stuff. If you look nauseated any time I touch you, they’re going to see straight through our whole ploy.”
“Fine,” she groaned, moving close again. “And anyway. I’m not nauseated. I wanted to date you, remember? It’s your arrogant, egotistical personality that turns me off.”
“Thanks, sweetie. I love you, too.”
“Whatever,” she rolled her eyes.
I would have shot something else clever back, but almost as soon as she knocked on the door, a man and woman answered. They looked like they were in their fifties and wore giant, cheesy smiles that suddenly had me feeling like I was the one who was going to be sick to my stomach.
“Kate!” the man exclaimed. “Glad you could make it. And you must be Ben.”
“Sure am,” I shook his hand firmly.
They ushered us into their expensively decorated home. A string of screaming kids bolted in one end of the room and out the other in a flash, which Kate and I both watched with terror and discomfort.
“Kids,” his wife laughed, shaking her head.
“I guess you know all about that!” Greg said to me. “Kate tells me you have a little one yourself. Where is she tonight?”
Oh, right. Almost forgot I’m a fiancé and a father in this scenario …
“With a sitter. She’s only one, so her table manners aren’t the best,” I explained quickly, reaching for the phone in my back pocket. “But I can show you pictures if you …”
“Well, I’ll be. It’s true!” A man appeared behind them, laughing. “Hey there, I’m Chuck. Wow. To be honest, when I heard about Kate’s secret fiancé, I kind of thought the whole thing was made up.”
Kate laughed awkwardly while I let out a sigh of relief that no one actually wanted to see pictures of Olivia. I knew I had them on my phone somewhere, but finding ones without Joey and Angel in them would be tricky. Not to mention all the pics of nude girls sprinkled in between - souvenirs from my one night stands … all taken with permission, of course.
I shook Chuck’s hand as we all filed into the dining room, taking our seats around the table. The conversation was mind-numbingly boring, but Kate and I managed to smile and nod to keep up appearances.
“Kate, it’s so wonderful that you’re going to be a step-mother to Ben’s little one,” Greg’s wife Kathy smiled over dessert. “You let us know if you need any advice or tips! Diane and I are veterans and we’ll be more than happy to help you through mommy bootcamp. Do you two plan on having kids of your own as well?”
Kate damn near choked on a bite of pie in response to the question. I placed my hand on her back and took the liberty of responding, “That’s yet to be determined. We’ll have a lot to adjust to before we can think that far ahead.”
They seemed satisfied enough with the response, but seeing how uncomfortable Kate was gave me an idea for having a little more fun.
“But I know I personally would love to have three or four more,” I added.
She coughed even harder, raising concern around the table. “I’m okay,” she croaked with a bright red face. She quickly grabbed a glass of water to wash it all down. “Like he said … there’s a lot to adjust to before we can get that far.”
“Well, it’s marvelous that you have the one to start out with,” Diane beamed. “What’s her name?”
“Olivia.”
“Beautiful,” she replied with a dreamy sigh.
“You know, before you got here we were just discussing a picnic at the park this Saturday,” Chuck told us. I could tell by how carefully he watched our expressions that he was more skeptical than anyone about Kate and my sudden engagement. “You should bring Olivia! She could play with the other kids.”
“Oh, yes!” Diane clapped her hands by his side. “I would love to meet the little dear.”
“Uh … this Saturday?” Kate wrinkled her brows. “Well, you know … this Saturday … uh, I think we have a family function to attend. So sorry.”
I could have let it go. Everyone seemed convinced enough. But getting under her skin was giving me a thrill I hadn’t known in a long time. And I secretly kind of loved the excuse to put my hands on her and be near her. I thought it might be fun to drag things out a little longer. And anyway, it would only help her sell the lie to her co-workers. Though I didn’t know why she wanted to work with such insufferably boring people.
“Oh no, sweetie. That got canceled, remember?” I shot her a sly grin.
She whipped around, darkening her eyes at me. “What?” she growled in my direction.
“The barbecue at my parents’ house was canceled. So, we’d love to join you all at the picnic. Olivia would have a blast,” I smiled wide.
Kate’s nostrils flared, but everyone else was so pleased that she had to plaster on a smile and play along. “Great! That settles it then. A picnic with the kids. So great. Looking forward to it.”
“How is Kate with Olivia anyway?” Greg blurted. “I never thought you were into kids.”
Kate’s face instantly sank again. I had to admit, it was kind of a dick thing to blurt out like that in front of everyone. No wonder she was struggling to get ahead while working with these jerks.
“I just wanted to have a career first is all,” she defended, looking to Diane and Kathy. “Surely you two understand what it would be like trying to work and take care of the kids.”
“Oh, god,” they winced in unison.
“It’d be a nightmare!” Kathy marveled. “I don’t know how women do it. So, you’ll be staying home then when you have more kids of your own? Or after the wedding?”
I watched Kate panic, thinking she had just shot herself in the foot. But I quickly jumped in to save her. That’s what I was there for, after all.
“Actually, I will be,” I interjected. “My company has been extremely successful, so I figu
red why not retire early? I can afford to.” The men instantly recoiled out of insecurity, which took care of any sexist judgment they might have tried to argue next. “Or I have a buddy that works from home with their kid since his wife runs her own restaurant full-time. But aside from all of that … Kate is great with kids. Olivia adores her.”
“Awww,” Diane melted, placing a hand over her heart. “That’s so sweet.”
“And what’s their child’s name?” Chuck asked.
I blinked. “Come again?”
“Your friend’s child. The one who stays home with the baby while the wife works. Sorry if that seems like a weird question to ask. Diane here just loves baby names.”
“It’s true,” she snickered.
I stuttered as my mind came up blank. The problem was that the kid's name was Olivia...but they all thought she was my kid.
“Travis!” Kate blurted suddenly. “Their kid’s name is Travis, and he loves having playdates with Olivia. Which would work great if Ben became a stay-at-home dad. In fact, he’d probably be so busy you all would never see him.”
I squinted my eyes at her, laughing under my breath, but tried to keep up appearances for everyone else. She really was charming, even when she was on the verge of making a fool of herself. I was honestly looking forward to spending more time with her.
5
Kate
I could barely contain my anger the minute we said goodnight to everyone and started walking back to Ben’s car. Of course he was just strolling along, cool as a cucumber. Meanwhile I was fuming with nostrils flaring and fists clenched.
“This is all just a game to you,” I snipped as we climbed back into his car. “But this is my life you’re messing with here! My career!”
“Exactly,” he puzzled from the driver’s seat. “That’s why I’m … helping?”
“It’s helping to volunteer to bring Olivia to the park this Saturday? You don’t think they’re going to notice that she barely has any clue who I am or that she doesn’t call you ‘daddy?’”
