This was forbidden.
I drew in another deep breath and pulled the door open. The waiting room was empty. Did I imagine the sound of the door closing a minute ago? Did someone come and then leave? I turned to look at the clock. It was exactly two minutes before Johnny’s session was supposed to start.
In those two minutes, a million scenarios played out in my mind, but they all ended up the same. It didn’t matter if I resisted him for weeks before finally giving in or if I threw caution to the wind and gave in immediately. But if I gave in at all, things would end badly.
No, they would end horribly.
I gulped. I could just imagine sitting in a courtroom feeling rightfully ashamed of what I had done with a client. I imagined being berated for not being professional and having my license revoked. I would never be able to work again, much less look my parents in the eye. I would lose everything if I let that one moment of weakness get the better of me. As if that weren’t enough, I knew it was risky just being around him. I couldn’t get involved with someone like him even if he wasn’t my client.
“Are you that eager to see me?”
I would have jumped a foot into the air, but the overwhelming rush I felt at hearing his voice weakened my knees. I gripped the doorknob as if I was holding on for dear life and slowly turned to look at Johnny. He was leaning against the waiting room’s doorway, arms crossed, with his signature smirk on his face.
I felt my cheeks flush, but I was determined to look as cool and collected as possible. I didn’t want him to know how much of an effect he had on me. It took every ounce of self-control I had not to stare at his bulging muscles; or anywhere else for that matter. It also took every bit of strength in me to maintain eye contact.
There was just no winning with him.
“I heard the door close. I was checking the waiting room. Good of you to show up on time, Mister Santos.”
I turned on my heel and walked directly to my desk. I took a seat and busied myself with finding his file and grabbing a pen, looking far too awkward as I did. I was trying to buy time until I had to look up at him again. I heard my office door close and his heavy footsteps as he walked closer to the chair across from my desk. I gulped and pretended to look over the notes I wrote for our previous session before turning to a blank sheet of paper.
“I thought I asked to be called Johnny.”
I nodded and looked up with a feeble smile, “That’s right. You did. Thank you for reminding me and speaking up, Johnny. How are you today?”
He cocked his eyebrow and smiled, “Not much different than yesterday. How much do you expect me to change in one day?”
“Oh, Johnny, I did not mean anything with my question. I was merely-”
He burst out laughing and shook his head, “You really do take everything too serious. Anyway, took the bus today.”
“I see,” I wrote it down on my paper even though I didn’t think it mattered much.
I had more important notes to write down regarding our interaction, no matter how short it was. But I was too busy trying to remain levelheaded to sort through my thoughts, analyze, and write. In short, I couldn’t even function well enough to do my job. That was certainly something I didn’t want to focus on. It would make me feel even worse than I already did.
“I don’t live far from here. So, you know, chances are I’m pretty close to you most of the day,” Johnny said quietly.
“Do you spend all day inside your house?”
He snorted, “Not a chance. What a bore. I’m just sayin’, you know, my place isn’t far from here and, uh..”
I heard him click his tongue. I gulped and wrote down a note. I had to try to focus my energy on making some sort of meaning out of what he was doing. I had to think of something other than his tongue and his muscles and the bed that he was alluding to that wasn’t ‘too far from my office’. I had to take my mind off those dark brown eyes that gave me looks I couldn’t shake. I couldn’t focus on the way his arms swelled with each movement or the way his veins popped around his hands and wrists.
None of those things could be in my head… And, yet, that was all I could think about.
“Is this how you usually make conversation with all women, Johnny?”
He chuckled, “I don’t spend much time talking to them if you know what I mean.”
“Yes, Johnny, I understand perfectly what you are insinuating. Do you really not conceive of how inappropriate it is to talk to me, your therapist, in the same manner you speak to all other women?”
“Thought we covered this last session, doc. I don’t care about what’s appropriate. That’s bullshit for people who are too afraid to live their lives.”
“Johnny, I would like to point out that impropriety has already had quite severe consequences in your life. I would like to assume that you might want to make changes, progress if you will, even though you are here because it is court mandated.”
“Can’t you just talk like a normal fucking person?”
“Excuse me?”
He shook his head, “You were always like this but, damn, I can’t believe it got even worse. Now I don’t think you’re ever any less uptight even when you’re alone.”
“Johnny, whether or not you believe I am uptight holds no bearing here. We meet to discuss how you ended up here and what you can do to move forward.”
“So, you’re gonna tell me what to do, that it? I’m not fond of rules and being bossed around but, uh,” he clicked his tongue again and leaned forward as he practically whispered, “If you’re the one who is gonna be bossin’ me around, I’m down to try.”
“Johnny, this is exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Oh man, what I wouldn’t give to hear you say those words in another situation. I don’t know, maybe one involving your sweaty body and heavy-”
“Johnny!”
“Are you supposed to interrupt your patients like that? Isn’t it what you’d call rude?”
“If you are being highly inappropriate, bordering on harassing, I can even have you removed,” I told him.
“I’m not harassing you, doc. I’m just expressing myself,” he said with heavy cynicism.
“Johnny, this is a safe space. You are welcome to express yourself anytime. However, it is imperative you understand that you need to keep me out of the conversation. This is not a personal relationship we are sharing. You are my client and we need to work together.”
“Yeah, that personal relationship ended long, long ago, huh?”
I gulped and looked away. I thought about having him reassigned to a new therapist. If things continued like this, I couldn’t see him making any sort of progress. And I would constantly find myself battling between staying professional and fighting natural urges I didn’t even know were dormant in me.
He was stirring up too many feelings that I wasn’t okay with. I could feel heat behind my eyes and the threat of tears welling up. I didn’t have it in me to respond to his comment. I didn’t even feel like I had a right to do so, especially not after how things ended between us so long ago. I looked down at the notes I had written. I heard him start to talk, but my own thoughts drowned out his words. The sound of his voice was just background noise at this point.
Johnny didn’t hold back. There had always been something about him that alarmed me and charmed me at the same time. And now he was sitting in my office as my client and he still had that effect on me. I wondered, once again, how much of the Johnny I knew was still left in him. I questioned if I had a hand in destroying the person he used to be. The thought alone terrified me.
I couldn’t allow myself to think about our past, especially not how and when things ended. That moment was buried in the back of my mind long, long ago. Now was the worst time for me to uncover it. It definitely wasn’t the place, either.
“I can go on and on,” I heard him say rather loudly before he shrugged, “You haven’t written notes or interrupted me. I don’t even know if you’re paying attention.�
�
“Johnny, as I said earlier, you’re free to express yourself-”
“Within certain limits, though. Am I right?”
I stared at him with narrowed eyes.
I wanted to tell him he was right and explain why, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. It was in that moment that I decided I was better than this.
I had to be better.
I was going to be completely professional from that point on. Court-mandated or not, I had a patient in front of me that I needed to help. And I was going to do just that.
It would be selfish and wrong to take advantage of my position in any way. So, Johnny was going to remain my client.
And nothing more.
Chapter Nine
Johnny
I had a feeling Jenny wasn’t really listening to me during our last session, but I couldn’t figure out why. Had she already given up on me? I scoffed and shrugged. If that was the case, I couldn’t care less.
“Whatever,” I muttered under my breath, “That’ll make this therapy shit that much easier.”
I walked down the street and stopped for a moment, staring at the bus as it made its way to the bus stop. It wasn’t too full, but I didn’t feel like dealing with people. I continued walking and ignored everyone I passed on the sidewalk. I usually got a lot of stares. Sometimes they were from men who were jealous or threatened. Other times they came from straight-laced people judging me. Most of the time, however, it was women. They had desire written all over their faces. Sometimes it was straight-up lust and other times there was something deeper in their eyes. I knew I was attractive, and I looked like I had an interesting life. I’m sure that intrigued people.
But I didn’t care about any of the people who looked at me. I only paid attention when I wanted to get laid. But at that moment, getting laid was the last thing on my mind. I walked around a group of young women cackling with laughter as they spilled out of a shoe store. My thoughts wandered back to Jenny. She looked more tense during today’s session than she did in our first one. I also noticed a little something different about her outfit and wondered if it had anything to do with me. She looked hot no matter what, but there was something about her today that really caught my eye.
I stopped dead in my tracks. Something else had caught my eye. I turned my head slowly to look at the window display of a high-end jewelry store. This was the first time I had walked past it. I closed my hand in to a tight fist as my eyes took in every item glinting under the lights in the display case. Everything looked good and expensive, but some items stood out more than others. There was one thing in particular that gleamed.
My muscles twitched and my pulse quickened. It was an all too familiar feeling. My shoulders tensed up and I squeezed my hands as I continued to stare at the display. My mind was automatically figuring out a million different ways to steal it. I even looked at the store’s entrance and the direction the cameras were pointing. It probably wouldn’t be that difficult to come back later and get exactly what I wanted. But I had just gotten out of jail. I wasn’t exactly ready to go back. As much as I hated following rules and squashing my personal feelings of freedom, I knew stealing wouldn’t be of any good to me.
I let out a long and heavy sigh before marching back to my apartment. I was so lost in thought about the jewelry in the window, and the fact that Jenny had all-but completely ignored me during our session, that I didn’t even pay attention to a woman on the street brazenly checking me out.
I walked into the house and practically slammed the door shut.
“What the fuck!” My roommate yelled from upstairs.
I groaned. Marlow was there again, but I wasn’t in the mood to talk. Still, I walked up the stairs and leaned up against the wall opposite the couch where he was splayed out flipping through some trashy magazine.
“I saw this fucking awesome necklace on my walk back today. I seriously just wanted to fucking take it.”
“So why didn’t you?” Marlow asked, sitting up and throwing the magazine into the trashcan across the small living area.
I laughed, “You’re an idiot for even asking.”
“Harsh.”
“What, am I supposed to do? Walk into the store and take shit in broad daylight? Come on. What kind of shitty thief do you think I am?”
“So, you admit you’re a thief,” Marlow said with triumph in his voice.
“When did I ever deny it?”
“I don’t know. Don’t you have this whole ‘it is not a crime’ crusade going or whatever?”
I scoffed and sat on a stool at the kitchen counter, “I don’t have any fucking crusades going on, ever. That’s fucking stupid.”
“You came back in a good mood.”
“Shut the hell up,” I snapped.
“Are you sure that shrink of yours isn’t getting in to your head already? Maybe getting under your skin?” He teased.
I laughed loudly and waved him off, “That shrink isn’t doing shit with my head– either one of ‘em. She’s not getting under anything, either. I bet if I whipped my cock out right in front of her she wouldn’t even know what to do with it. She’s such a fucking tight-ass.”
“Right,” Marlow shrugged before lying down on the couch nonchalantly.
I opened the refrigerator to grab a beer, but changed my mind and went to my bedroom instead. I opened the window by the bed, lied down, and pulled the pack of cigarettes out from the top drawer of my nightstand. I lit one before slowly taking the first drag. The smoke curled in the air before floating out the window.
I thought of the way Jenny used to twirl her hair around her slender fingers. I wondered if she still had that habit, but it was under control, or if even that small aspect of her personality had changed. It seemed like the Jenny today was completely devoid of any of the unique traits I found so interesting in her back in high school.
Or maybe she was just too caught up in being ‘professional’ around me.
“Too professional if you ask me,” I muttered under my breath.
I thought of the way her buttoned-up shirt clung to her body. I could recall, with great detail, the way the blouse hung off her somewhat small, but shapely breasts. I saw the fitted skirt on her slender body and remembered wanting to see it hiked up higher on her legs.
“Damn, she’s hot,” I whispered to myself as I continued to let my mind wander. She’d always been physically attractive, but she had really grown up to be incredibly sexy and beautiful, no matter how tightly wound-up she appeared to be.
I continued to take drags from my cigarette while my other hand moved down and undid my pants. I slipped it under the waistband of my boxers and started to stroke my growing erection as I imagined what might happen if I really did whip my cock out during one of our sessions. I imagined pushing her skirt up and pushing inside of her until her professional attitude melted away.
I thought of her golden eyes staring deep in to mine as her neck and face grew red while the sounds of her hot, rapid breathing filled the room. I stroked myself faster and faster as I imagined touching her, kissing her. I pumped harder and grunted, flicking my cigarette out the window and down to the street. I pictured her flushed face. She looked sensual and ashamed and guilty—like she was enjoying every second of it. I groaned as I quickly finished myself off.
I reached over to my nightstand and grabbed a couple of tissues to wipe up before lighting another smoke. I didn’t even bother putting my cock away. I let out a loud breath and shook my head. I would never want to get involved with a tight ass like her, even if she gave in. Sure, the pussy would be damn good, but I wasn’t about to let anyone try to rein me in, especially not Jenny.
“Jenny,” I barely whispered as a queasy feeling crept up my throat. Putting aside that she was too tightly wound for my taste, I couldn’t go there… not again. There was no way I would walk back down that road. I had been in some rough places and situations in my life, but some stuck with me more than others. Some stung so much, I didn’t kno
w if they’d ever stop burning.
And Jenny was one of those.
Chapter Ten
Jenny
-10 Years Previously-
It was nighttime when I heard a knock at the front door. I looked up the staircase to see if my parents were going to make their way down, but they didn’t seem to be. I darted over and peeked through the peephole to see Johnny standing on the other side. My heart started to pound in my chest so hard I thought I might cough it up. If my parents saw him standing outside the house, things would definitely not go over well. I didn’t even want to imagine what they would do.
Without thinking, I unlocked the front door and yanked it open. All I wanted was to make sure he didn’t knock again. My parents clearly didn’t hear him the first time, so there was still a chance that I wouldn’t be caught. I was about to ask him what the hell he was doing there when I noticed facial expression and overall demeanor. It was a perfect mix of sadness and fear; and fear was something I never saw in Johnny.
Breaking All the Rules Page 6
