Charlotte stayed up with me at night. She never asked why I wanted to take care of Jonah. I could tell by the way she watched me that she knew I loved her son. She and I slept in shifts. When we were both awake we spoke often of my mom. Charlotte recounted stories of when they were young, of how they met in college. It was on a visit to my mother’s house that Charlotte met Quint. He was several years older than her and already in veterinary school.
It was at their wedding that my parents met. Charlotte said my father fell in love the moment he first saw my mother, but it took my mom three years before she finally said yes to his proposal. They were married a few months later. Though they started trying for a baby on their honeymoon, I didn’t come for many years. Charlotte told me, through tears, of my mother’s devastation and grief as they began to face the reality of never getting pregnant. And Charlotte laughed as she explained that my mother thought she had some sort of parasite causing extreme gas, when really it was me growing inside her. It was gross and hilarious at the same time. Charlotte didn’t tell me of the second pregnancy and I didn’t ask.
Following that long week of watching the world pass ten minutes at a time, Quint said Jonah’s heart rate and blood pressure were in more decent ranges. He became more alert and stayed awake a few minutes at a time. Now that Charlotte knew Jonah was not on his deathbed, she allowed me to care for him alone during the nights. He was still too weak to talk, so I read to him. Of all the books he’d brought, his Bible was the most tattered and worn, so I started with it. Flipping through the book I saw passages marked or underlined. I read those first, trying to understand what they meant to Jonah, or what they meant, period.
Two weeks later he was able to stay awake for an hour or so at a time. He drank broth during the day and slept all night. I slept beside him and always woke up touching him in some small way, though I never meant to. A few times when I woke our fingers were intertwined. I had no memory of ever reaching for him in the night, but he was often in my dreams. I always unlaced our fingers before he woke.
Jonah grew even stronger the next week and was able to stay awake for several hours at a time. He was also able to eat real food, which only continued to strengthen him. He sat up and began spending much of his days on the couch, looking out at the snow-covered earth beyond the glass and brick of the house. Others came to visit and it was then that I’d leave his side, though I didn’t want to.
While I was caring for Jonah, everyone else took turns tending to Fulton and Talin. When Jonah was no longer in danger of dying, I found myself drawn to Talin. Being in her presence offered me comfort, something hard to feel with Pops gone and Jonah still recovering. But with her I felt a sense of peace. JP often took Jonah’s place in caring for Fulton. On sunny days he and I walked the horses to the window so Jonah could see them. It always made him feel better.
When snow covered all the grass near the barn and the house, Eli volunteered to venture into the woods with me to find the horses some food. I have often wondered why. He never showed much affinity for the horses before then. Still, I was happy for the company and no one else was volunteering to go with me.
On very cold days we would build a small fire with a few dry logs we’d brought with us. We sat and warmed ourselves while the horses munched on whatever they could find. It was here, deep in the snow-covered woods of my ancestors’ home, that I revealed my secret.
As tears warmed my cheeks, I told Eli of the abortion. He sat beside me on a fallen log, its green moss turned brown in the freezing winter. His eyes, which reminded me so much of Jonah’s, never left my face. Eli took my hands in his and said he was sorry for the pain I experienced. As I wiped my eyes on the sleeves of Jonah’s oversized coat, I asked if he thought I could ever be forgiven.
He lowered his head to meet my downward gaze, and whispered, “The only thing God cannot forgive is what we do not allow him to forgive.”
I crumbled against his chest. His arms surrounded me. “I’m sorry, so sorry,” I said, through the sobs.
“I know,” he said, holding me as I cried.
Talin’s breath warmed the back of my neck. The tears dried as Eli and I sat beside each other in silence watching the orange flames of the small fire.
Finally, he broke the silence. “You know, Bria, God wants you to be happy.”
I lowered my head and said nothing.
“He understands why you did the things you did,” he said, looking into my eyes. “He doesn’t condone them, but he understands why you did them. He wants you to believe he loves you as much as he loves me or anyone else you might see as better, or holier, than yourself.”
“Eli, why would he love me as much as he loves someone like you or your mom or your dad or …?” My voice faltered at the thought of Jonah.
“Why wouldn’t he? You are limiting God, as you and I are limited. We qualify our love based on who a person is to us or what they bring to our life, but God doesn’t do that. God is love.”
Silence overcame our wooded retreat.
“You know,” he said, once again breaking the silence, “my brother could do a lot worse.” He nudged my shoulder.
“He could do a lot better, too,” I said, staring into the flames.
“You don’t see yourself clearly,” he said.
“You know what I’ve done. You know how unworthy I am,” I said, exhaustion overtaking me.
“I know what you’ve done, and know how worthy you are. Everyone makes mistakes, Bria. They can only haunt us if we allow them to. Besides,” he said, shaking his head, “Jonah is far from perfect.”
“It doesn’t matter. I promised God that if Jonah got better, I would never get in the way of him being a priest,” I said, standing.
“Did God ask you to make that promise?” he said, laughing as he lifted himself beside me.
“No, but Jonah should be a priest,” I said, confused by Eli’s words and tone. Did he want me to date Jonah?
“Why do you say that?” he asked, his eyes alight.
“I don’t know. He’s a great guy. He said God was calling him to be a priest. He went to seminary. He should be a priest,” I said, though suddenly I was less convinced of the words than when they were only in my head.
“Has he ever told you about that calling? The experience that made him decide to go to seminary?” he asked, going toward Fulton.
I raised my head to look at Eli. “No.”
He cocked his head to one side. “Ask him someday.”
Five
I stood beside Sara, staring past Eli, who wore his black shirt with Roman collar and black slacks, and hoped Jonah didn’t notice me watching him. I wished I knew what Eli knew. I wished I understood why he thought Jonah shouldn’t be a priest or what Jonah was so afraid of.
Jonah’s eyes met mine, and I forced myself to look beside him, at an uneasy-looking Josh. He was rubbing his hands nervously and bouncing on his toes, much like I was used to seeing JP do. Eli, on the other hand, looked a combination of overwhelming joy and total peace. I wondered how many times before today he’d stood waiting for a bride to walk toward him.
I could see and feel Eli’s commitment to God, but I didn’t understand it. I believed him when he said it was a calling and a gift given; otherwise it would never last and never be a life that could bring happiness. But he was happy. Of all of us, he was by far the most joy filled.
A chorus of birds erupted into song. Eli looked up to the sky, whispered, “Thank you,” and then turned his head toward the house. I followed his gaze to see Blaise and Quint already halfway to us. The birds continued in their springtime songs as Blaise walked, with an arm looped around Quint’s.
Based solely on the pride radiating from him, I would’ve thought she was his daughter. When she had asked him to walk her down the aisle, he was so choked up all he could do was nod yes. I knew it was hard for Blaise not to have her parents here, but as she locked eyes with Josh, the day became what it was supposed to be: a day of joy as they chose to give t
hemselves to each other.
I looked at my father. He and Charlotte held one another, tears streaming. I knew for them, today was not only about Blaise and Josh, but about the dress and my mother. Of her beauty and her death.
Quint released Blaise to Josh’s extended arms. Josh took his bride, staring at her as if he held the rarest jewel in the world.
In many ways he did. When Josh proposed he told Blaise that she was the woman God chose for him. If that’s true, if that’s the kind of thing God does, then he was right to look at her with awe and wonder. Their love, their purity was rare. Yes, in many ways Josh did hold the rarest treasure of all, the woman he loved, who loved him back.
Eli stepped toward the bride and groom. “Josh, you are a blessed man. Blaise is an incredible woman, and Blaise, you are equally blessed. Josh is truly a great guy. I consider you both family, and I am so honored you asked me to speak at your wedding. You two coming together in marriage is a beautiful testimony of God’s unending goodness. By entering into marriage you are willingly participating in God’s call for your lives. You are saying yes to him and yes to each other in a truly profound way.
“Being married, being single, being united with God as a member of the clergy or a religious order—these are all vocations. They are all callings that we do not choose, but that God chooses for us. Of course, he gives us free will and we get to decide if we will answer the call. But by living our vocations faithfully, we are often called to be vulnerable in a way we have never been before. It is in many ways about surrendering, which can at times be scary, but it is in that surrender that we become who we were made to be, and joy, true joy follows.”
I glanced at Jonah. His eyes were cast down. He was staring at the flower petals that encircled the spot where Josh and Blaise stood.
“Marriage, unlike the other vocations, requires the full engagement of two people. It is not only about you and God, but about your spouse and God. To me, a celibate priest, there could be nothing scarier. But then, I was not called to marriage,” Eli said with a chuckle.
“I encourage you to protect your marriage, to nourish it, and fight for it. Honor, respect, and cherish one another. Never allow anyone or anything, no matter how good your intentions may be, to come between you. I thank you both for your witness. Seeing you answering God’s call for your life strengthens my resolve in answering his call for my life. May God bless your union, now and forever.”
Eli shook Josh’s hand and gave Blaise a gentle hug. He then moved to stand beside Jonah, who lifted his head but did not acknowledge his brother.
“Josh,” Blaise said, her voice quiet, “you are the only man I have ever loved. You are good and kind, and really cute.” She looked up at him, her eyes twinkling.
He held her hands in his, his face full of emotion.
She continued, louder than before. “Being with you is like being home. I can breathe easier when you are near me and I feel most like me when you’re around. These are not the reasons I love you, but they are part of how I know I do. I know we’re starting our life together in a way neither of us could have imagined, but in a way it is the uncertainties around us that make me want to cling to you even more.” She rubbed his hands with her thumbs as she spoke.
“Josh, I promise to love you when it’s easy and when it’s hard. I promise to see you for the wonderful man you are, even when you aren’t being him. I promise to forgive when it’s easy and when it’s hard. And I promise every day to try and be a better wife than I was the day before. To love you and honor you, to work hard by your side, all the days of my life.”
I dabbed at my eyes as I watched Josh wipe his.
After a moment of silence, Blaise whispered, “Your turn.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. The realness, the honesty of Josh and Blaise is what made me know against all odds they would make it.
Josh sniffed and squeezed her hands. “Blaise ….” His voice cracked and tears fell to the ground. “Blaise, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are my North Star. When you’re near me, I know, no matter what, we’ll be okay. Life has changed so much since I proposed to you and through it all I’ve looked at you and wondered, how did I get so lucky? How does this amazing woman want to marry me?”
He paused, gazing into her eyes. “This morning when I woke up I pinched myself. I couldn’t believe you were going to marry me today. A moment ago when I saw you for the first time in this beautiful dress,”—he breathed deeply, trying to slow the tears—“when I saw you, I couldn’t breathe. You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.” He shook his head in wonder and whispered to her, “How are you agreeing to be mine?”
My eyes glanced beside Josh, to where Jonah stood. His eyes were red, filled with tears, just as mine were.
“I promise,” Josh said, clearing the emotion from his voice. “I promise to love you forever. No matter what comes, I will put your life above my own. I will spend my life trying to bring you half as much happiness as you’re giving me in this moment. I know we will both mess up sometimes, but I can promise you there will never be another. There will never be any person who comes before you. You are my best friend. You are the one I want to spend every moment of every day with. I promise to honor you, respect you, support you, and now, more than ever, protect you. I don’t know what life will bring us, but I can promise that as long as I’m alive I will be by your side. Thank you for marrying me. Thank you for sharing your life with me. I have never felt more humbled and more in awe of another human being than I do of you in this moment.”
Tears ran down my face as Blaise flung her arms around his neck. He pulled her to him. Their lips touched for their first married kiss and he lifted her and swung her around. It was like something out of a fairy tale. Everyone clapped when Josh set her down and they ran toward the house.
Six
“So, how do you think it’s going up there?” Sara said, a sly smile on her face, nodding toward the second floor of the house.
“Pretty well, if I had to guess,” I answered while dipping a bit of acorn bread into rabbit stew, unwilling to speculate or even think about—how had Eli said it—“the marital embrace” of my friends. Though none of us said a word to each other, we all agreed to spend the rest of the day outside, enjoying the warm spring air.
In the days leading up to the wedding Blaise had been nervous about the wedding night and asked Sara and me for advice. We were both smart enough not to offer her any. Nonie, on the other hand, had practically given her a how-to manual. Blaise told Sara and me all she’d learned as the three of us strolled in the orchard one morning. Sara and I blushed so hard our faces would’ve been redder than the reddest of apples. We assured Blaise that Josh had no expectations and to just take things slow. They were both inexperienced; they would learn together. I wished I knew what that was like.
“How’s the stew?” Jonah asked, sitting beside me on the bench he and my dad had made. The afternoon sun was warming my bare legs.
“It’s good,” I said. “Especially if you don’t think about what’s in it.”
Jonah took a bite of stew as Sara stepped away from her spot on the other side of me. “I’m going to get a second helping,” she said. She strode toward Nonie, who was stirring a large pot, a fire burning beneath it.
“I heard you shot the rabbit,” he said, looking at me as he ate.
I nodded and hoped he didn’t know I’d overheard his conversation with Eli.
Quinn squealed as JP chased her, pretending to be a dinosaur. She ran behind Eli for protection. Eli pretended to be some sort of monster and lifted the JP dinosaur above his head, much to Quinn’s delight.
“You look really pretty today,” Jonah said.
I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, not realizing he’d been watching me.
“I mean you look pretty every day, but today your hair … and you have makeup on and a dress.”
I didn’t need a mirror to know my face was bright red. “Thank yo
u,” I said. “You look different today too.”
He raised an eyebrow.
“In a good way. I mean you’re always, well, you know. But today you look different,” I said, exasperated with my own inability to form coherent sentences.
“I guess I’ll take what I can get,” he said, taking another bite of stew.
“No, I mean you look very nice. But you always look nice, so I’m sure that’s not news to you.” I was trying not to stumble over the words.
“You think I always look nice?” His lips formed a soft, sincere smile.
“Of course.” I tapped my foot to release the nervous energy.
Jonah stared at me. The heat rose to my face.
“I overheard you talking to Eli,” I blurted out before I knew what I was doing. I placed a hand over my mouth to stop the words.
He looked at me with his head cocked to one side, trying to understand what my words meant. “What?” he asked.
“I–I don’t know why I said that.” I lowered my hand and my gaze to my lap.
His body turned, facing mine. “What did you overhear?”
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have listened. It was JP’s idea—not that that makes it better since he’s a kid. But I did try and stop him,” I said, my eyes pleading.
He smiled. “It’s okay. What did you overhear?”
I exhaled. “I heard you asking him to keep teaching you something, and him saying that you needed to stop being scared and stubborn.” I bit my lip and waited.
Through the Ashes (The Light Book 2) Page 3
