by Mia Kayla
I gulped and tried to let it go. He’d not been doing anything any other healthy, fine-ass, single male wouldn’t do. Hell, I’d done the same thing. No-strings-attached relationships. That was what I’d done before him, but why did it still sting to hear it?
He pulled me into his lap, my cheek against his hard chest. “I’m not a man-whore like those tabloids make me out to be, but I’m not a saint either.”
“I’m not either,” I said softly, turning things over and over in my head.
I didn’t want to know his number, how many women he slept with, and I didn’t want him to know mine, either.
“What are you thinking?” He pulled me up to where I had to face him and ducked in closer, pausing to examine my expression. “Whatever it is, just say it.” He cupped my cheek and brushed his thumb against my cheekbone. “If you don’t, it’ll be the end of us. I’ve been there before.” His eyes narrowed, and for a brief second, it was like he was somewhere else. “I don’t want that to happen again, so, spill.”
My voice was small, vulnerable. “Why was she so sure that you’d call her back?”
“‘Cause she’s a freak in the bedroom.”
I shoved at his arm. “Rude.”
He laughed. “You asked. Remember, honest to a fault?” Then, he reached for my hand and kissed it. “But I’m not into her. I’m into you. I’m with you.”
He tugged closer, but I refused to give in.
He hadn’t done anything wrong. Yet.
As soon as that word registered, I pushed it out of my mind. He wasn’t my ex-boyfriend. But if I fell into the comfort of Jordan’s arms, then I’d forget my worries. There would be a false sense of security, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for that. The more you gave, the more vulnerable you were, the more susceptible you were to hurt. And I’d been hurt so much already.
“Why are you so damn stubborn?” One more tug and I was in his arms again. “Ask me anything.”
“Were you in love with any of them?”
“Them, as in the women I briefly dated? No.”
There was no point in holding it all in, so I peered up at him. “If you feel the need to cheat or give in to temptation, just let me know.” He was going to speak, but I raised a hand and locked eyes with him. “Never say never, okay? ‘Cause unless you’re a psychic or you have a crystal ball, you can’t tell. I’ve been in the dark before. For a long time.”
When Logan had cheated on me, I hadn’t known for months. Besides the obvious ultimate betrayal, I’d never felt stupider. All the signs had been there, but I’d refused to see it. And I was not dumb.
“You’re right,” he said, angling closer. “I’ve done a lot of shit that I said I’d never do. I don’t have a crystal ball. I wish I did. Then, maybe I could’ve stopped a lot of shit that happened in the past.” His eyebrows pulled together. “When Candice was going through some issues, she blocked us all out, me included. She had all these doubts in her head, about me, mostly about herself. We could have helped her get the support she needed because she was emotionally and mentally tortured by what had happened. But I swear, if she hadn’t blocked me, Cade, or Wyatt out, she’d be alive today.” He shook his head. “I can’t have that, okay? I can’t be in a relationship where you don’t tell me if something is bothering you.”
“I won’t.” I nodded. “I won’t block you out. Not if I can help it.”
He rested his forehead against mine and then brushed my bottom lip with his thumb. “I don’t know my future, but right now, at this moment, I know that I want a future with you in it.”
I released a breath … or maybe it was a sigh. Who knew?
“My life in Hollywood, it’s all a facade.” With the tips of his thumb and forefinger, he lifted my chin. “But this … you … us … is the most real thing I’ve had in a long time. And I wouldn’t jeopardize that for anything.”
Then, he brushed his lips against mine, and I relaxed against him, needing his words to be true, needing to believe them.
There was a difference. A difference between the random women he’d been with and the one girlfriend he was possibly still in love with. I’d compete with the random women, but I couldn’t compete with the girlfriend who’d first won his heart.
I aimlessly slipped out of the car and shifted my purse to my shoulder as I walked into Allswell.
She was beautiful. I could still picture her staring at me through the screen of Jordan’s phone. Her dark locks, her brown eyes, her smile that seemed to shine through the photograph.
“Hey!” Emery said, waving me over from a booth. Her blonde ponytail was pulled up high in her signature hairstyle.
She and Tara had been my roommates in college, the only real friends I still kept in touch with.
I smiled, breaking myself from my Candice trance. I’d have to confront Jordan later. There would be no secrets between us. That was what we’d promised each other. I could have done it this morning, but then he would’ve known I was snooping, and after the Bianca call, I hadn’t been in the mood to fight.
“Hey, girl.” I pulled her into a half-hug, squeezing her tighter.
Emery was a ball of light, a burst of energy. She worked for JobOps, a nonprofit organization that she’d started herself, helping the homeless get on their feet and find jobs.
“Thanks for doing this again, Tene.” She pulled her ponytail to the side, readjusting the black elastic band that held the strands together.
“No problem. I’m just mad that I didn’t think of this sooner.”
“It’s okay.” Her blue eyes sparkled, a contrast to her white T-shirt. “I’m just happy to get more restaurants on board with my plan. I mean, it only makes sense. If they’re going to throw out the food after these big corporate functions, they may as well donate it to us, so I can feed those who need it.” A fire flared in her eyes.
Emery would always be Emery. She wanted to save every stray and adopt every little kid who needed a family, one of the many reasons I loved her. Where I was trying to build up Armstrong Realty, Emery wanted to save the world. And she was looking mighty fine doing it.
“I hate you,” I said without a bite in my tone. I gestured to her adorable outfit. “Look at you. You don’t even have to try. In jeans and a T-shirt, you’re stunning.”
Emery was a stereotypical blonde-haired, blue-eyed babe. But her upbringing had been anything but typical. She’d had a rough life, similar to Jordan’s in the foster care system.
She rolled her eyes. “Please, Tene. I’m just lucky I don’t have to get dressed up in a suit every day.” She slapped my shoulder. “And what are you talking about? You’re drop-dead gorgeous.”
I sighed. “Emery, I have to get up an hour and a half before I leave to look like this. You, on the other hand, roll out of bed and look like … that.” I motioned to all of her.
She waved a dismissive hand. “Whatever.”
“You can never take a compliment. Anyway, let me introduce you to Cade.”
I led her back behind the bar and into the kitchen of Allswell. The place was already buzzing with the lunch hour rush. Food sizzled in the frying pans. Stacks of plates had been set on a stainless-steel table in the middle. The scents of spices and meats filtered through my senses, and endless rows of cakes and desserts tempted my belly.
Emery linked arms with me, licking her lips. “I’m getting hungry from just being in here.”
When I approached Cade’s door, I knocked and waited. Memories of the last time I’d entered without warning stilled me. It was not something I wanted to repeat, so I waited to be welcomed in.
“Come in.”
After pushing open the door, I stepped in. “Hello, hello, future brother-in-law of mine.”
You’d think he’d be annoyed every time I teased him, but I’d noticed he liked this specific nickname.
“Cade, this is Emery.” I gestured to my beautiful, bombshell blonde friend.
He stood at his full almost-six-feet height, smiling professionally
. “Cade, the future brother-in-law.”
After brief introductions, they chatted up the logistics of a partnership between Allswell and JobOps, Emery’s company.
I walked around Cade’s small office. Against the shelves were pictures of his family and him and Angie in black-rimmed frames. I noticed one of the whole family—Cade, Wyatt, Jordan, his parents, and Candice. The boys were skinnier, all clean-shaven, but what had my attention was Candice. She was beautiful with her long, flowing dark locks and olive skin, and for the life of me, I couldn’t stop picturing her and Jordan together, the pictures of them on his phone, the display of their love story unfolding. Unwelcome jealousy surged through my veins. I couldn’t help it.
I had no pictures of my ex. Hell, I’d burned that shit during the breakup party. Why did Jordan still carry pictures of Candice around on his phone? One could argue this was worse than his wallet because a phone was more indispensable. Is he not over her?
I rubbed at my brow. Damn it. This is perfectly understandable, right? They had a history together, and she was gone. And in not so many words, he’d said she had saved him. But still … I couldn’t help how I felt.
“Thanks, Cade.” Emery stuck out her hand, breaking me from my thoughts. “You have no idea what this means to me, to the people I’m trying to help.”
Cade shook her tiny hand in his huge one. “I think this will be a great partnership. Our next big corporate event will be the wrap party. You should come. Then, after, you can take the leftover food and desserts. Jordan’s studio has gone all out on this one.”
“Emery will be there,” I answered for her.
Emery made a face, her eyebrows scrunching together. “I … I don’t know. Fancy shindigs are really not my thing. I’m more of the pick-up-after-the-party kind of girl.”
“You’ll have to go. How are you going to meet my boyfriend?” I asked with a playful grin.
“Wait. What? Boyfriend?” She clasped her hands, and her smile widened. “Oh, goodness. Who has tamed the infamous Tene Armstrong? I didn’t know you had a boyfriend.”
“Yeah, it’s Cade’s brother. You might know him.” I rested my hip against Cade’s desk. “Jordan Ryder.”
She blinked, her smile faltering. “Who?”
“Yes, Emery.” I nodded proudly. “I’m dating the Jordan Ryder.” I plucked that picture frame from the wall and showed her the picture of the brothers.
Her mouth dropped open. Her reaction was epic. And for a moment, I let my worries about Candice go.
Emery and I had lunch afterward. We were seated at a booth. My Cobb salad was almost done while Emery’s burger had been devoured.
She seemed deep in thought for a minute, lost in her own beautiful head.
I snapped my fingers in front of her face. “Emery!”
Her eyes widened, and she laughed. “Sorry. I totally blanked out.”
“What’s the matter?”
She paused for a second, and her forehead crinkled. “That picture … back at Cade’s office. One of his brothers looks so familiar.”
I laughed. “Yeah. Of course, you’ve seen him. He’s only been voted the Sexiest Man Alive, two years in a row.”
She shook her head as though that wasn’t what she meant. “No I was talking about the other brother.” She waved a hand dismissively. “Anyways that’s crazy. I’m still in shock that you’re with him.” The only item left on her plate was a half-eaten fry.
“I know. Seriously, me too. It just happened so fast that I’m trying to comprehend it all.” I poked my fork into the lettuce, now regretting that I hadn’t ordered something more fulfilling than a salad.
She tilted her head and assessed me. “You look different, Tene …” She picked up her fry and pointed it in my direction before popping it in her mouth. “Different good. Happy.”
“I am.” I genuinely was. But could happiness exist with doubt? “Can I ask you something?” I pushed my plate to the side and reached for my glass of water.
“Of course—anything. You know that.”
And I did.
“If you found …” My fingers played with the tip of my straw.
I couldn’t even get the words out because I didn’t want to voice my doubts out loud. Somehow saying it out loud sounded more ridiculous than in my head.
“Is it normal …” I stopped myself again, not sure how to word it without sounding crazy jealous of a dead girl.
Still, I couldn’t help my unsettled feelings. I just didn’t get it. Maybe he wanted to honor her. A picture in a frame or a picture on the wall. I thought I would’ve been fine with that. But pictures on his phone that he’d taken from the physical photos? That felt more intimate. And an endless amount of them too.
“Would you be disturbed if your boyfriend had pictures of his ex on his phone? I mean, a whole album dedicated to them together.” I rubbed at my brow, dropping my gaze. The table linen seemed very interesting at the moment. “Of course, you’d be disturbed. Actually …” I raised a finger. “… I’m not disturbed. I’m annoyed.”
Emery being Emery, the most even-keeled practical woman in the whole world, said, “Just ask him. Don’t get me wrong, but maybe … maybe there’s a reason he still has those in there.” But she sounded uncertain.
I had to laugh because she wasn’t sure either.
I didn’t answer. I stayed stoic and silent and simmered in my thoughts.
“Stop thinking and just ask,” Emery said with a sweet smile. “Maybe he forgot they were in there.”
I lifted my gaze and quirked an eyebrow, and she merely laughed again.
“Okay. Then, you put him in his place,” she said.
I stabbed the salad with my fork. “That’s the thing. I can’t put him in his place without sounding insecure and inconsiderate. I purposely checked his phone.” I shook my head. “If I bring this up, I’ll seem like an insecure witch. How do I … how do I tell him that I don’t feel comfortable with it? It’s hard because she’s kind of … dead.” I rubbed at my brow, hating that I was feeling this way.
Shame filled my gut, and I cowered into myself. He’d loved her, and I needed to understand that they had a history.
The businessmen in the next table stared at me, making me realize that I’d spoken too loudly. Automatically, my eyes searched the bar for Cade, glad he was out of hearing distance because I didn’t want him to hear me complaining about his deceased sister.
Emery placed a hand in mine. The touch was sweet and much needed. “That’s fine. Anyone in your situation would feel the same way you do. It’s okay.”
“It’s not,” I whispered to myself. My voice trembled. “I’m scared.” I revealed my innermost fear.
She leaned over the table and took both of my hands in hers, giving it a little shake between us. “There’s nothing to be afraid of.” Her voice was soft and kind and gentle, and I didn’t deserve it, especially after snooping. “He’s your boyfriend, and from what you told me, you are both so into each other. Just don’t keep this inside. You need to ask him. It’s a justifiable question. He’d feel the same way if he were in your situation. Don’t be scared.”
I took a deep breath. Is knowing better than not knowing? What if the truth hurts? I didn’t know if I could bear to hear it. Especially since I’d been on this ultimate high since we’d been together.
“What can you possibly be afraid of?” she asked.
My heart stuttered. “That he’s still in love with her. In love with a ghost, in love with the first girl who showed him love. And how do I compete with that?”
And even though he’d denied it, a very deep part of me still didn’t believe him.
Chapter 26
I slipped into my car and almost vomited. The stink from something foul punched me in the nose, and I couldn’t breathe. It must have been my latte that I’d left in the back. This was worse than curdled milk. Febreze wouldn’t help this situation. I needed a full-on overhaul, a new car, a detail. Something. Anything.
I reached into my purse, plucked out my bottle of Chanel No. 5, and turned to spray the whole bottle into my backseat when I screamed.
Blood.
Everywhere.
I jumped out of the car, falling on the sidewalk in the process, scraping my knees. My feet couldn’t catch up to my racing heart, the adrenaline rushing in my veins.
I pushed through the doors into Allswell, still screaming hysterically. Everyone’s eyes were directed at me, but I didn’t care. I didn’t think twice. Panic rushed through me.
“Cade!”
His head peeked up from the bar, and he rushed over to me, his hands gripping my elbows. “What happened?”
My whole body trembled. Sweat crept up my neck to my brow. “It’s … it’s dead.”
I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t get my next words out.
Dead. Dead. Dead.
“What?” he asked, worried and confused.
“In my car,” I panted. “The cat.”
I rushed past him and into the restroom. The scene I’d just seen played back in my head, and I dry-heaved into the sink.
I splashed water on my perfectly contoured face and took a deep breath through my nose and out my mouth as though there was a shortage.
The stink.
The blood.
The knife.
The dead animal.
My hands covered my mouth as I rushed into the handicapped stall. Dropping to my knees, I vomited everything that was in my stomach. I couldn’t get the stink from my nose, the vision out of my head. I covered my eyes, seeing darkness. But the black became the background, the image of the cat, a lifeless, innocent animal.
I stood, but my legs wobbled, the earth beneath me unsteady. I braced myself against the wall, concentrating on the cream ceramic tiles, the grout between each square.
After a few minutes, I emerged, one hand holding my stomach. My feet dragged like dead weights attached to my ankles as I approached the sink. When the restroom door opened, I jumped and ignored the stares.
An elderly person slipped into a stall, then washed her hands beside me, and slipped out of the restroom. Once alone, I stared blankly at the mirror in front of me, letting the hot water flow through my fingertips, forcing warmth back into my body.
