I knowyou better give it here, LaVern, before I pull you up here by the braids!
LaVern laughed. Fool, you not my Deddy, with your skinny, high-yellow self.
Lamont yanked my Nakie doll, and it flew to the front seat. In LaVerns escape her foot hit the ceiling of the station wagon and cracked the plastic light cover.
Towanda and Roscoe sat behind LaVern and laughed hysterically, encouraging her to bounce up and down on the suitcases and smart-mouth, and because it was all fun now, I joined in and screamed, laughing and swatting at hands and feet.
Lamont had lost control of us. He yelled at me, rolling his eyes, Shut up, Odessa, before I beat your ass too, then he plunged over the seat to make the others stop.
Our brawl shook the station wagon on its tires, and we didnt see Mama and Deddy coming. They opened their car doors at the same time. Mama flopped down in her seat, the passenger side dipping under the weight of her short round body. She hugged the big paper bag that I hoped had something in it for us kids. Her blue terry-cloth T-shirt was tight around her body and dark from sweat in one spot of her back. Her thick round shoulders and chubby body made the soft blue material bulge.
Deddy stood outside the open drivers side door; the sun and dust made everything look yellowed, like an old photograph. From our windows we couldnt see his face or shoulders, only the brown of his hairy muscular torsohis lightblue, short-sleeved shirt unbuttoned and flapping in the dry wind. His hand wrestled with the buckle of his belt. As he pulled his belt loose, the rough, dry leather shrieked against the loops of his blue jeans, and we knew we were all going to get it. Mama crunched on her pork rinds and sighed, looking at her watch.
Deddy circled to the back of the wagon and lowered the tailgate. With the black belt wrapped around his fist, he waved Roscoe, LaVern, and Towanda out of the wagon without saying a word.
By now the old man in the gas station stood in his doorway and fiddled with the toothpick in his mouth, then wiped it on his soiled overalls. His worn face was leathery and pruned, like a dried apple. His mouth drooped at the ends, his eyes squinted closed in the same downward direction as he watched our circus.
I heard what Granmama would say: Dont be actin a fool in front of white folks, they just waitin to justify that we aint nothin but a bunch of heathens.
Mama crunched, with the cosmetic mirror lowered. She stared past me to the back of the car, where Deddy was now whipping Towanda, whose screeches had joined those of Roscoe and LaVern, who had already gotten it.
When Deddy opened the side door, he lifted out the Styrofoam cooler. I started to scream, new tears and sweat trailing down my round cheeks. Lamont would not be so easy; he always put up a fight. His ashy yellow legs kicked Deddys belted fist and made him angrier.
Mamas damp arm rubbed the seat as she turned around, and the sound resonated like a fart against the plastic of the seat. Roscoe stopped moaning long enough to laugh, setting us all into the giggles again, while Lamont still kicked and Deddygrabbed. Mama glared back at us. Im gonna give you some-thin to laugh about. And she looked at her watch again and slapped at Deddy, who was struggling to catch Lamonts Keds. Loni! Loni! We gotta get back on the road. Were losin time!
Deddy fell down onto the backseat, and the fumes of beer overwhelmed the smell of Lamonts fried-onion underarm. Deddy grabbed Lamonts bare feet and dragged him across the seat. I aint quite done yet, Bernice.
I climbed into the back, where he had already made his rounds, and hoped that he would forget about his fifth-born.
Lamonts body knocked against the side of the car, and we sat quiet, whispering about who was going to be first when we played color cars on the highway.
Once the station wagon was rolling and Deddy was on his third beer, we fell asleep to the sound of the wind thundering in the windows.
When we got home, Deddy dropped us off and turned the station wagon around, heading back to Mississippi so he could go out behind Grandeddys store with the other men and watch the ball games and then drive to Jackson to visit his people. Deddy and his brother Leland were the only folks from his side of the family that moved up from Mississippi.
It was obvious that Deddy and Uncle Leland were brothers, their hazel-brown eyes, their white mans pointed nose, their height. But Deddy was light-skinned and had a beer belly. At barbeques and family parties he tried to find something to say or do that would get everybody to think of him as a big shot, when he was really just our Deddy, usually drunk, or dirty from changing oil at work.
There was a dullness behind his eyes from so much wanting and not enough getting, but when nobody was looking, there was a hint of evil that reminded me of the haunted feeling I got when I looked at my dolls with their eyes open in the dark.
Leland was cool and smooth without even trying. He was brown like chocolate, and that made his teeth look perfectly white. When he smiled, popping gum, there was something clear and bright about his eyes. His clothes were pressed, without dog hair or lint.
At barbeques and family parties, he didnt say anything unless he had something to say. I watched the way the women in our family stopped whatever they were doing to listen to himmeat searing on the grill, potatoes waiting to be stirred into mayonnaise for potato saladand so brothers-in-law often forgot to invite Uncle Leland to family parties.
When Deddy needed help doing anything, it was his big brother Leland who he called, and Leland came, ignoring the jealousy. What you need, little brotha? I dont mind doing whatever you need, or loaning you what you dont have, because thats how family should be with one another.
Deddy seemed to need him as much as he resented him.
The evening Deddy finally came home from Mississippi, we were sitting in the living room, glued to the console watching Gunsmoke, when we heard him pull up. Deddy got out of the passenger side of our old station wagon, and folks we had never seen before got out too. The woman who was driving looked just like Ms. May John from churchtall, light-skinned, hair in a bun, and a duster dress that didnt look likesomething a skinny woman like her ought to be wearing. Out of the backseat came a woman that looked exactly the same as the driver, and then a younger woman that kind of looked like both of them, but her hair was teased into a Foxy Brown Afro. She wore an orange halter top and bell-bottom jeans. Under the streetlight they looked like a weary but serious bunch.
They all fumbled around for a while like they were trying to figure out how to get something big out of the station wagon. Finally, Deddy came up carrying a sleeping child, a little girl just my size, but yellow like him, Lamont, and these women, not brown and nappy-headed like me, Towanda, Roscoe, and LaVern.
I watched Deddy and these people and imagined myself in his arms like the little girl that he was carrying. I closed my eyes and was in the station wagon coming home from Mississippi. I felt the car slow after getting off the highway, then there was a series of stops and starts, potholes on St. Louis Avenue, but I kept my eyes closed. Then the scrambling over seats for shoes and socks, doors slamming, everybody anxious to get to the bathroom after Deddy made them hold it for the last hundred miles. In my fantasy Deddy had no choice, he had to carry me into the house, my body limp in a deep sleep.
As they got closer, I saw the straight hair and fair skin of the little girl. I could see the movement under her eyelids as Deddy marched up the stairs to the front door, and I knew that she was awake. I was curious about her, and jealous. She looked like an angel, except she smirked in her sleep.
Our coffee table, our hi-fi, and the TV console were all part of the same furniture set, wood carved in vine patterns with a background of crushed green velvet like the material of our couch, which only company was allowed to sit on. Deddys celery green La-Z-Boy was the piece that didnt match, beer-stainedand slit in one spot; masking tape slowed the continuous ripping of the worn fabric. He sat the little girl down in his chair, and the rest of us stared up at her from the floor. LaVern said, almost rolling her neck, Who is that? Deddy didnt answer her immediately and see
med embarrassed at our regular living room scenethe five of us huddled in front of the TV console, Mama yelling at us all the way from the kitchen, Scoot back from the TV!
Deddy tried to take control of the situation by standing with his thumbs hooked behind his belt, a sign we took to mean that a whipping was coming if we didnt get it together.
Yall act like you got some sense. This is the twinsyour aints Ranell and Racine, my sistas you aint never met. And this is my niece Devon and her daughter Gretal.
He called their names out like Santas reindeers, and I could feel the jealousy of my sisters and brothers. Half the time he couldnt even remember our namesThats the oldest one, yeah, light-skinned and redder than me, that gal there is the second one but she the biggest of all of them, this one here darker than all the rest of them, he my third-born, this here is the gal with long hair, look just like Bernice, and this here the baby gal, cry like a goat half the time.
Devon stood in the doorway to the living room, popping her gum to show that she was not concerned with who we were. Towanda held her head down but let her eyes look way up at Devon.
That little girl is her daughter?
We all knew that Devon looked like a teenager, and although I wasnt sure what was bad about that, I knew that Towanda was questioning something that wasnt supposed to be. Deddy said to his company, Yall come on in and rest. He motioned Devon, Ranell, and Racine to the couch. Ranell andRacine both looked haggard, their eyes set deep in the sockets. They walked carefully over to the couch, like they were old ladies. Devon followed them, switching in her hip-hugger bell-bottoms, her boobs bouncing in that orange halter top like water balloons. We were all fixated on them, especially Roscoe, who never said much, but seemed to always be fixated on some womans breasts. When we watched Love American Style, Towanda and Lamont teased Roscoe, Why you lookin so hard, Boob Man? But he ignored them and pressed his pelvis hard to the floor.
Deddy turned to Towanda and whispered, with his eyes bulging, Get your smart ass up and go get them some lemonade. He picked up Gretal and sat down in his chair, putting her on his lap. At that moment I wondered where my pregnant mother was. I wanted her now, before Gretal could get to her too. I got up and ran to the kitchen where Mama was yelling at Towanda, the two of them wiping lemonade up off the linoleum floor.
You think I go through all this trouble cleanin up this damn house for yall to be spilling shit all over the floor. I ought to whup your ass. When Mama said those words, it was best to disappear if you hadnt already been spotted, so I went back to the living room.
Mama and Towanda came in with four cold sweating glasses of lemonade and set them down on the glass-covered coffee table. Those were the good glasses, not the plastic cups, and Mama didnt let us kids ever put anything on her table.
Gretal scooted down off Deddys lap and took a sip and held it carefully while she climbed back up on his lap. Ranell and Racine took a sip and whispered to each other, These glasses is oily.
Devon leaned her face on her fist in boredom and keptpopping her gum. The moment lingered on like that, us staring at them, them staring at us, and Deddy making small talk about which bus stations the twins could get off the bus on the way back.
Dont be gettin out nowhere thats too far off the highway. Them haunkies out there are crazy. Wait till you in a town or city. Deddy scratched his head, looking for something else to say.
Eventually the twins got up and went to the bathroom to do their business together, and didnt come back until the cab blew. Us gonna get on down the road now.
We all watched to see if Devon and Gretal were forgetting to get up, or if something drastic was about to happenthat we would be stuck with two cousins who we didnt know, and already didnt like. We all sat with our mouths open and watched the twins kiss Gretal on the cheek. A chill ran through me, and I touched my own cheek, remembering Granmama blowing on it and then kissing it.
Gretal spoke for the first time, and we all drew back at the high-pitched sound of a Mississippi drawl coming out of such a small person. Bye, Aint Ray and Ray.
Bye, baby. Keep an eye on your ma.
The next day, Deddy and Uncle Leland hammered and sawed in the vacant family flat over ours, and came downstairs for something to drink while Mama had Towanda and LaVern help with the dishes. Deddy offered Leland a cold one. Michelob or Budweiser?
No, thanks, Loni, I just need a glass of water.
Uncle Leland sat down and grinned and winked each timeone of us girls looked at him. Miss Towanda, Miss LaVern, and little Miss Odessa, the finest most powerful black sisters in St. Louis, Missouri. Yall could grow up and be like the Supremes. He stood up in his boots, close-fitting jeans, and sleeveless T-shirt that showed all of his brown muscles, and started motioning a little doo-wop routine.
The three of us started laughing hysterically. Towanda tried to cover her new big teeth with the dishrag. LaVern laughed high-pitched and bobbed her head to make her long braids move, and I sat at the kitchen table, squeezed my quilt doll, and laughed so hard that the milk I had just swallowed bubbled out of my nose. Mama snatched the dishrag from Towanda and wiped my face. She smiled slightly but didnt look at Leland. Boy, you makin these children act a fool.
Deddy sighed several times real fast, drank his beer in two gulps, and said to Leland, Do you know Devon and that child done spent the night up there with no electricity or nothing?
Leland finished his chuckling and smiled at Deddy. And tell me your point, brotha.
Dont brotha and man me, we got to finish. Deddy threw his bottle in the sink and stormed out the back door.
Leland turned on his way out. That boy aint no fun, sistasno fun. He was still grinning, and Mama said to Towanda and LaVern in her stern voice, Finish the damn dishes and quit grinnin.
When the dishes were done, Mama shooed LaVern and Towanda. Go on out and play with the others, and tell Roscoe and Lamont dont be diggin in my yard. I sat right there with my doll, because I never considered Mamas command Go play to be for me, unless she said, Odessa, go play.
Mama called her brother Chet and talked about Deddys baby sister Johnell, who died in childbirth when she wastwelve. She was giving birth to Devon, and then Devon turned around and did the same thing, having Gretal when she was twelve. Mamas stories of Deddys childhood were full of birthing talesdead mothers, deformed or dead babies, mongrels from Deddys family.
Mama said, Chet, remember when Loni used to come to Bos ball field to court me? He used to always have some cockeyed Blackburn cousin with him. . . . Yep, them was the days.
In my mind, Jackson, Mississippi, was a circus of ugly, bad-smelling country Blackburns, except for Uncle Leland.
I sat at the kitchen table kicking the metal legs and coloring while Mama talked to Uncle Chet. Well, what I was callin for was to remind you about his baby sister and the daughter she had. Well, guess who Loni brought home, and didnt even ask me nothin about it? Every time he goes down South by himself, some kinda shit happens behind my back.
Mama paused for Uncle Chets reply, which was probably something about what the Lord says about being brotherly. Mama half listened with the phone between her ear and shoulder while she cut up a chicken. I colored more quietly and quit swinging my feet so Mama wouldnt pay attention that I was listening.
She responded to Uncle Chet, Thats easy for you to say, Chet. You and Fanny dont have kids. I got plenty, and one on the way. Im tired of doin for other folks children. . . . I am grateful I can have kids, Chet, and that aint the point no way. Mama had told us about little cousins who werent even her cousins, they were just little kids who went to the schoolhouse with the Lacey kids, and didnt have anything of their own. Some of them, Mama said, I may as well had raised for all of the giving them handouts.
If Loni was gonna ever start fixin up the upstairs, it wasfor us to move our kids bedrooms up there, and open it up to one house, but now them two gonna be livin better than me, and Devon aint been in St. Louis but a week.
Yeah, Chet, anyway
, Ill pray on Sunday, but somebody around heres gonna need a better job than changin oil to help with the mortgage. Hes drinkin up halfa what he make, then tryin to support somebody elses kids with the spare change. . . . Yeah, tell Fanny I said hi.
After Mama hung up, she stood back from the mutilated chicken for a minute and looked at me, suspicious. I was concentrating hard, coloring everything green. Odessa, go tell Towanda to get in here and finish cuttin up this chicken. She wiped her hands on the dishrag and threw it in the sink like Deddys beer bottle.
3
His Undoing
Deddy liked to fish. Its something that must have come out of the mystery of his Mississippi childhood. When he wasnt drunk, sometimes hed get a good mind to snatch us up, grab the cooler, stop for dry ice, beer, cold cuts, and take us all to Creve Coeur Park. It would have to all happen fast before he saw something that made him mad, because then hed leave the house and say, Yall dont appreciate shit. Now stay home. The door would slam behind him, and wed know next time to go faster.
Sometimes wed make it all the way to Creve Coeur and go swing on the swings for hours. Deddy and Mama sat in lawn chairs while he fished all day, distracted from whatever made him so agitated. When I stared at him I could see that he was content with his fishing and the ball game on the radio. I could see him as a little boy, at a pond out behind their shack inMississippi. Sun, june bugs, and dragonflies, nothing but a can of sardines for his lunch, for his bait, and for his dinner. Hed stay all day fishing until evening came with its cicadas and cooled the heat his skin had absorbed. Leland would come, shouting for him through the trees the way older brothers do, Loni! Loni! and his day of solitude would be over.
That night Deddy dropped us off and went to Lelands tavern. He came back drunk and stumbled down the hallway, using the walls to keep himself on a straightaway to the kitchen. We were used to the noises of the house while we slept. Soon would come his and Mamas argument, which led to fighting with fists and lamps. The other kids got out of bed, and I stood up in my baby bed and leaned against the wall and cried. Lamont and Towanda held on to Deddy while Roscoe and LaVern picked up the change that fell from Deddys pockets. He swung around, laughing at Lamont and Towanda for holding on like bulldogs.
Fifth Born Page 2
