In her eyes I saw her death and mine, I saw a pit deeper than hell where she had buried my baby. Afta while, I knowd I was awake, but I didnt let go of her throat because I knew I had things to say that I aint never had the nerve to say when I was awake.
Ella Mae picked up her walking pace, and I worked hard now to keep up with her and keep the space between us short for better listening.
Sometimes folks just dont think about what they doin, they just thinkin about what be the best thing at the time. We all done made them kind of mistakes before. Motha, me Ella Mae looked down to make sure that she caught my eyes in her glance. Im sure even you done did stuff you aint hardly give yourself a chance to think about.
I said it all to Motha right then, You aint never loved me. I knowd we was born into this world by the same man. I know we got the same deddy. I know you done somethin to my baby. I know! I know!
She talked now like she was there again and I longed to see her face and know that she was not having one of her fits. I just kept on like that for a long time, even though I wasnt hardly squeezin her neck no more. And she was just a cryin, lettin all the gumption go out of her. She wasnt even yelling at me no more, just layin there limp. And she say back sobbin, I done did the best I could. I been scared in this world too. Theres pains I live with every day that you dont know nothin about. I try to send your baby away out of this life that I been livin, out of this life you been livin. Aint no use for me no more. It was the best thing to do to leave you where the devil had already took you, and to do what was best for your child.
About now she was all out of tears and all out of words. I knew she knew I wasnt sleepwalkin no more. And I let go of her, and I was ashamed of myselfher layin there curled up on the floor like she wasnt hardly nobodys mama, and me sittin there after tryin to kill her. We was just a mess.
Next mornin I lay quiet in my house, flipping things over in my mindponderin on leavin, but fraid to go out there beyond this land, ponderin on stayin, but not knowin how I can be here waiting for the love of a woman who took my only thing in this world away from me. I heard somethin rising upout of the fields before daybreak. Sound like a flock of geese cryin through the damp air. I walked one step at a time through the fields away from my house, knowin inside the meat of my bones that these fields wasnt never gone look the same to me again. When I got to Mothas house, Bo had lifted her out the bathtub and laid her on the floor. Her face wasnt red or pink with living, but gray like pickled pigs feet. Wasnt no blood left in her after she had laid down in the tub and cut her own neck with the knife she used to clean chickens with. That old Bible and all them photographs was laid out on the floor.
I moved through the room like a invisible woman denying myself grief or upset. Aint nobody seen me, because Bo and Jo and his wife was screamin and cryin about needin to call this one and that one, screamin for God to help. I just picked Mothas things off that dirty floor, put them all together with a rubber band, and walked in her room and put them in her night drawer where they belonged. Then I walked on home, not cryin, not feelin nothin.
I felt the life drain out of my body, and a knot grew in my stomach at the thought of Ella Mae being cold and heartless the way my own mother could be. I choked back nausea at the image of Granmama limp and gray, all of her blood and life gone, a thin film of red on the bottom of the tub where I had poured many pans of hot water to bathe myself and my little brothers.
Me and Ella Mae just stood, staring now. Her house emerged in the distance, the light of the sky going soft and leaving the house and the crape myrtle tree as black silhouettes.
Ella Mae spoke into the silence. I walked back to my house and just waited day and night, walkin up to the edge of Bos property and peepin through the trees to see your mamaand yall and all the folks comin down here for the funeral. Sho-nuf when the time come, I took the only dress I still had from my old church clothes and dyed it black with pokeberries and walked across this same path to bring myself to the funeral, where I knew didnt nobody want me to be.
I could hear Granmama singing in the waning light of the field behind us; her spirit had always spoken forewarning to me. Hell come back with your blood, but now she moaned, quiet, as darkness rose up over her grave and swallowed the fields wed jouneyed through. I thought about Ella Maes words, Sometime people do what feel like its gonna make things better for right then. They dont bother to think about what the turnin of the years gonna bring.
Her words didnt seem to do any good for the loss I felt. Granmama sacrificed her life, took a knife to her own body as punishment for her sins against Ella Mae.
Why did you say those things to her? I asked, reaching out, catching Ella Maes damp, sweaty T-shirt.
She stopped and looked up at the sky, but did not turn around. It was time I spoke, she whispered.
I picked the dry skin on my lip, trying not to slip into anger or pity or tears. I needed to be thinking, not crying. My head hurt now, and I wanted to be back at Grandeddys so I could see all the floors and walls of his house and know that now, the meaning of every crack and dent and warped floorboard would be changed. I wanted to see and feel my mamas life. I wanted to see her young face in the photographs, and put the reality of Ella Maes life into Mamas blank eyes. I wanted to see again the place where I spent so many summers, to go back and remember myself standing barefoot, knowing that beneath my feet, many years of a missing aunts blood, and my granmamas blood, had been washed away.
Ella Mae interrupted my thoughts. I reckon there aint nothin else that you dont remember for yourself. Just, I knowd you was Bernices child when I saw you in the hay, because every now and then, about this time a evening in the summer, I come to the edge of Bos property and watch yall kids play. Sho-nuf yall bigger every year. Her voice had stayed in a low whisper of shame.
This time I guess the world see fit for me to stumble on you in the dark. And I suppose it aint right that I didnt just make you go on back to Bos, but I knew if you was lying about where you come from, then somethin wasnt right with you. Recently when you come down here, you keep to yourself, not like how you was at the funeral, all hugged up against everybody.
And I remembered Mamas arms around me on the front pew at the church. It was the last time she pulled me close to her. I looked at Ella Mae and remembered Mama reaching and Ella Mae scooping me up.
Mama is always mad at me, all the time. I was looking at the ground now. I couldnt look at Ella Maes back anymore; my face still showed a big bruise beneath my glasses. We had been talking about her life, forgetting about the trouble I was in. I couldnt catch my breath when I thought about what would happen when I got back. I felt dizzy with hunger and anguish. My feet shifted in discomfort, and the red cracked earth gave way beneath me.
Ella Mae turned to me and almost laid her hand on my shoulder to comfort me, but I shrank away and curled myself closer to the ground. I wished I was beneath the dirt, silent, at peace, no more pain, and I screamed into my dirty hands. I cant go home, I cant stay here. I want to die. I want to die.
Ella Mae exhaled a deep breath as if she had been punchedin the gut, and before I could look up, her thick arms were around me. She lifted me and covered ground quickly with her stride. I struggled to get out of her grip, but she pinned me close to her chest, the smell of her sweat like mildewed leather. Her heart beat frantically, and for the first time since our voices met in the darkness, I was afraid. In my mind I saw the glowing green eyes, the long killer fingernails, and frayed hair that Gretal had seen in the mirror.
Be still, be still, chile. Aint nothin in life ever just took care of itself. It be about time I did somethin right. Aint nobody else gone be dead on account of the mens in this family, nobody else.
I bit my own tongue, and the rhythm of her steps distracted my tragic thoughts. She stopped walking and put me down, unfolded me, and stood me up in the place where we had met. The rolls of hay and our two figures were outlined by the blue night sky. The last band of peach light fell beneath the trees a
nd beyond Grandeddys house.
You listen to me. Yous a chile. You aint got no business wishin to be dead.
She put her rough hands on my cheeks and looked me in the eyes the way Miss Clay did whenever she saw me walking with my head down.
Wishin bout bein dead and wishin to be invisible like I do all the time is cause you dont feel like you can do somethin about the way things is. But its gotta stop, Odessa, its gotta stop. Her voice was shaky, and I strained to see if she was crying. Now lets go on and do what need to be done.
I pulled against her. What needs to be done? I remembered running through the school yard in my dream, trying to reach Deddy before he was dead. Ella Mae? Wait. I dont want . . . I dont want . . .
Stop cryn now and come on. I aint crazy. I aint havin no fit. I just understand somethin bout my life now. She grabbed my hand to bring me with her. Fear welled up inside me like soda swallowed too fast, up my throat, into my head, my nostrils burning. We picked up speed, almost running, ready to have so many things done with. The trees rushed past, and a whippoorwill called out to the setting sun.
When we got to the eleven trees, my head felt swollen with the facts of my own life, and I couldnt think. It was all happening too fast. Even the darkness had come on so fast that my eyes adjusted slowly. And there he was, Deddy sitting in Granmamas old rocking chair, waiting under the light. A cloud of moths and mosquitoes swarmed above his head. The house behind him was dark and quiet without the sound of kids voices. Our van sat silent, waiting, an ominous foreshadowing of my capture.
I heard the voices inside me scream, like an alarm that had gone off. And I remembered again my dream, Deddy calling me through the woods to Granmamas porchGet a bucket and wash all this blood off the walls.
I held on to my knees, sweating, looking up at him, then over at Ella Mae, who stood tall as one of the trees. Her hair was dark like the night, and her eyes were fixed like a dog on its prey.
Ella Mae and I moved up the steps of the porch, silent like storm clouds. When we got to the top step, Deddy stopped rocking, and I stepped down to put distance between us. The porch light showed the thinness of the hairs on the crown of his headspecks of gray in his short Afro. He stood up; his white shirt tucked in, his stomach slightly hanging over the waist of his slacks. He walked to the edge of the porch, his heels knocking on the weathered boards. Like a young man, heleaned with one arm high on the beam, and smirked, then let loose a laugh, amused at the sight of me and Ella Mae.
He struggled to get himself together. Aint this some shit. You call yourself runnin away from here, and you run to one fucked-up motha-fucka. I guess you had one night of her and found out she was funny, and here you come back. I figured you be back. Your ass aint too crazy. You know the difference between when you got it good, and livin in some old bug-infested, raggedy-ass log cabin with somebody whos fuckin crazy.
He was still smirking and grinning. Ella Mae and I stood solid. I looked up at him and asked with my teeth tight together, Where is Mama and them? He laughed again.
You done missed your callin. Aint nobody waited around here for two days for your ass to decide to come back. Hell, dont nobody give a damn about you runnin off into the woods. Me and Bernice figured you was up there to her house anyway. Your mama aint had enough backbone to carry her ass up there and get you, but just like I told her, youd come right back here.
While he worked on unbuckling his belt, he talked to me and Ella Mae like we were both his children. Now you, Dessa, is gonna get your ass whipped, then we gettin on the road. And you, Miss Jim Dandy, gonna carry your hermit ass back up in the woods, and think about stayin the hell out of my business.
The two of us still hadnt moved. It was like Deddy was onstage. I didnt know what else to say but the truth. No, thank you. I think Ill stay here with the hermit. His head moved back in exaggerated surprise. I concentrated on not shrinking back from my own words.
You think that shit is funny? His belt bridged the space between us. Without warning, the leather strap came whippingthrough the darkness and slashed across my face breaking my unyielding stare.
In the time that it took me to reach up to calm the sting on my cheek, Ella Mae lunged from where she stood. She came down on Deddy with her whole body. Their weight boomed on the decaying porch, a hollow sound that brought back the sound of me and Deddys bodies slamming to the floor in the sitting space. Air escaped from my lungs.
Ella Maes voice was deep like thunder. Dont you ever touch her again. I aint gonna never let it happen that you gonna ever touch nobody again.
She slammed his head to the floor of the porch, and the images of Uncle Lelands murder washed over me, and my body stiffened with a premonition of black dresses, and chrome handles on dark wood, satin lining. I reached for my ears, but their bodies were still slamming against the porch floor. I didnt want him dead, I didnt think I wanted him dead.
Deddy rolled over and got his handgun out of the back of his pants.
Time slowed, the air thickened, Ella Mae rolled over to get up. She moved way too slow to catch up with Deddys palm around the gun handle, his finger working with his perfect vision to pinpoint his hunt.
It was hard to stay, not stiffen to a hard plank and stand silent and dead until the confusion steadied itself into my next grieving. And out of the darkness, leaning against the porch, Granmamas rifle, the one she used to put the goat out of its misery, the day Grandeddy carelessly backed over it with his truck. My body was moving fast now. I counted my movementsfaster than I counted Deddys. I cocked the rifle the way I saw Granmama do it. I pulled the trigger.
In the explosion everythingDeddy, Ella Mae, Grandeddys housedisappeared, leaving only white light for a second, then smoke, then a dark calm. The porch light was gone, the crickets were silent, then a voice entered, it was Deddys, You stupid bitch! Blood was pouring from between his fingers where he held his shoulder. He stood up to see where I was, where Ella Mae was, where his gun was. The rifle was still in my hands, and I cocked it again and held on tight even though my arms were trembling and numb. I knew I would never be able to fire a second shot. My eyes darted back and forth from Deddy to where I thought Ella Mae should be. Though he was bleeding, Deddy smirked at my trembling and took a step closer grimacing before smiling again.
I see that bitch done taught you a thing or two about actin like you crazy, but you a fool, cause I think she done run off like a wounded animal and left you here to fend for yourself.
He reached down to pick up his belt, keeping his eyes on the quivering barrel of the rifle, my eyes at the other end meaning to aim again if it would save me.
He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and used his teeth to help him strap the belt over the nicked shoulder. He looked satisfied to free up both hands, and before I could think, he snatched the rifle by the barrel end.
The moon rose up like a second sun in the darkness to the left of Grandeddys porch. And there Ella Mae stood behind him, the light picking up the shiny sleekness of her hair. She held Deddys gun to his head.
Her voice came shaky but strong. Odessa, move on away now. I still could not see her eyes, but scurried to get up onthe porch behind her. Her big hand was around the back of Deddys neck now, and my heart beat in my throat.
Deddy was grimacing in pain but laughing, high-pitched like he did when he was drunk.
I aint got time to stand here and listen to your crazy ass. What the hell you supposed to be, a super fuckin hero? I dont give a damn what you do with Odessa. She right where she belongs, down here in the fuckin country. I aint never wanted Bernice taking your bastard child back to St. Louis no way. Your half-Indian mama was crazy as you. Bernice shouldve let her bury Dessa out in the woods somewhere like her crazy ass was fixin to do.
Her hand went limp from Deddys neck, but the gun was shaking now, the trigger loose against metal as it tapped Deddys headmetal and skull bone, my teeth grinding against teeth.
Your bastard childbury Dessa in the woods somewherebury Dessa i
n the woods somewhereyour bastard child .
My gritty hands made mud on my damp face, and I struggled to hold in the cry that escaped from my mouth, past my palms. It pealed out in the bare space around the house.
The sound of my cry was silenced by the shots; they rang out again and again and again, until his gun was empty. I had never stopped screaming. I opened my eyes.
Ella Mae held the gun over her headwood chips and pieces of wasp nest fell from where she had mangled the porch ceiling. Her breath was so heavy, angry grunts, she screamed, Leave! Leave! Leave!
Deddy hurried to the van, trying to maintain some amount of cool in his step. When he stood safe in the door of the van, he had the last word, and I was glad that I could not see his eyes for what he said to me.
You aint been nothin but a fuckin pain in the ass. Dessa, I dont give a damn what you been told, you aint my damn kid. Then he turned to Ella Mae, who was still holding the gun above her head. Who Jim Dandy let fuck her up in them woods didnt have shit to do with me. Me and Bernice just tried to save your ass and give you somethin different than livin down here like a heathen. But I guess aint a damn thing I can do to keep the truth a the matter from comin full circle.
If either one of you ever round here when I come back down to bring my real kids to visit they grandeddy, Im gonna try to shoot another hole in your ass.
My eyes receded into the place before there were glasses, before I watched Granmamas last walk up her porch steps, before I was born, and I was numb. He sped out using one arm to steer. The van careened in the path of its own light.
I remembered Granmama rocking me on that last night, singing.
Im gonna fly away
Im gonna fly a-way.
Kissing my sweaty cheeks that night.
To a land where
To a land where
Sickness will be no more.
And the next day, I strained to see her through the dirty glass of the back window of that station wagon. I saw her climb the stairs, and she was gone, she was gone. Everything that was familiar fled with her. Rocks pinged on the bumper of the wagon. My mother, my father, my sisters and brothersstickyhands, spankings on Sunday mornings, whispered secrets of things that were now mute.
Fifth Born Page 16
