by Mercy Amare
I am jealous. So not fair!
It’s cold in the studio, as usual. Otto has the air conditioner turned on 65, and it is miserable.
Alec stands at the keyboard, and plays a tune for me. I never learned to play the piano because I was never interested. Like Alec said, ballads aren’t exactly my strong suit.
“I’ve got nothing,” I tell him. “But what if I try to play something on the acoustic?”
“Okay.”
I pick up my Taylor acoustic guitar and start strumming.
I don’t want to play make-believe
I’m tired of the games
Who you see, this isn’t me
But I’m scared
Too frightened to show the real me
I’m jaded
Too tired to fight
I’m faded
Am I even alive?
I’m hated
Just pretend that I’m liked
Once I start playing, the lyrics pour out of me. What I’m writing is exactly what I’m feeling. And when I start recording, I can hear the magic in the song. I have no doubts that I am good enough to do this.
The song starts out with a simple acoustic guitar, but it picks up on the second verse. I add drums, and bass. At the bridge I add electric guitar, and then for the last chorus, it’s just acoustic guitar, and my voice.
3:54 PM
Jealous
We are just finishing recording my song when Stephan gets there. He is surprised that we are actually done for the day, and even more surprised that I have the day off tomorrow.
“When can I hear it?” I ask Otto. I’m eager to hear how the finished product sounds.
“Not until Wednesday,” Alec answers for him. “You get to hear it when Barry hears it.”
“No way!” I argue. “This is my career, and my future. I want to hear it before he does!”
“Bridgett can hear it with me later tonight, and we will decide what is the best move. Seriously, Scarlett, you need to trust us more.”
I glare at him. “You better not screw up my career, Alec Torch. I am putting lot of trust in you.”
“I know, Scar. I love you like a sister, and I would do anything for you. I promise I will not screw up your career. This song is amazing, and I know that Barry is going to love it. You need to have more faith in yourself. You’re really good.”
I throw my arms around Alec, and squeeze him tight. “This is why you’re my best friend. I need you. Seriously, I don’t think I could do any of this without you and Bridge.”
Alec nods his head in agreement. “It’s true.”
I walk over to Bridgett and give her a hug too. “You’re not stressing out too much over this, are you? I’d hate for you to have another heart attack.”
She quickly puts me at ease. “I’ve gone to all of my follow-up appointments. My heart is healthy, and any damage I received is already healing. The doctor says I’m fine. But to answer your question, no, I am not stressed out. I actually like being your manager, and Alec makes this fun. I feel like I’ve found my niche.”
“Good. Now, I’m going to go home to hang out with my boyfriend.”
Stephan is talking with Otto, so I go put my arm around his waist. “Are you about ready to get out of here?” I ask.
“Yep.”
“More Harry Potter?” I ask, as we walk towards his car.
“Actually, the guys are going to be racing tonight at the track, if you want to go.”
Racing. “Will Zoe be there?” I ask, because if she’s going to be there I have to mentally prepare myself after what Stephan told me about sleeping with her.
“Are you jealous?”
“Yes. I am not ashamed to admit that I am jealous. You slept with her. How could I not be jealous?”
Stephan grins. “You shouldn’t be jealous. I was never hers. But I am yours, totally and completely.”
His words make me feel better. He’s right. He is mine. Not hers. “Sorry that I’m acting like a jealous girlfriend. I’m usually never insecure about myself when it comes to guys. You’re just my first real boyfriend, and I’ve never been in…” love. “Umm… I’ve never felt like this before. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to act.”
“It’s okay to have insecurities. It means you’re human. I think it’s good to talk about them, instead of letting them get bottled up inside.”
“You’re right.”
Stephan is wise beyond his years. Though, I suspect it’s because life has been pretty hard on him so far.
“But you never answered my question. Is Zoe going to be there?”
“Probably. It’s her family’s track that we race at,” he answers.
I crinkle my nose in disgust. “Okay, but please don’t expect me to be nice to her.”
“She’s not nice to anybody, so she deserves a taste of her own medicine. It’s not like I expect you to be BFF’s with the girl.”
“Good. Because that’s definitely not happening.”
When we get to the track, I am greeted by a now brunette Ginny, followed by Britney.
“Your hair is a different color almost every time I see you,” I tell Ginny. Stephan walks off to talk to a couple of the guys.
“This is my natural color,” she informs me, with a shrug. “I like to switch it up. I get bored easily.”
“She’s that way with her men, too,” Britney adds. “I like her best as a brunette personally.”
“I do too,” she agrees. “But guys like redheads and blondes the best.”
“I think every guy has a different preference.” My life is officially pathetic. I am talking about hair color with Britney and Ginny.
I look over at Stephan and see Zoe walk up to the group. She is putting her hands on his arms, and laughing. I glare at her.
“Girls, if you’ll excuse me.” I walk over to where Stephan is, and gently step between Zoe and him. I then give him a big kiss on the lips. I hear Zoe snort, and I give myself a mental high five.
Score one for Scarlett, zero for Zoe.
“I figured you’d be gone now. Though, I suppose your career is over. You have nothing better to do than be in Hope, Florida.” Even her voice is annoying.
I turn to her and paste a fake smile on. “Actually, I am here recording my next album. Alec Torch is producing it. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Also, MTV is doing a documentary of my life.”
“MTV must be desperate.” She laughs hard at her own joke.
“Laugh all you want. When you’re thirty, living in a trailer, raising your six children, I’ll be vacationing at my home in France, or my mansion in LA, or right here… Where I can run into your fat ass on the street. You’ll be working at McDonalds, and I will be a retired millionaire.”
Her smile fades, and she has no come back. Probably because she knows I’m right. Maybe not the exact scenario I spilled out, but definitely something similar.
Stephan is talking to the guys still, but he’s smiling at me, so I know he heard the conversation between Zoe and me. He grabs my hand and holds onto it. This causes Zoe to storm off dramatically.
“Damn, girl, you are harsh,” one of Stephan’s friends tells me. “Remind me not to mess with you.”
“She’s a bitch. She totally deserves it,” I say with a shrug.
“Oh, believe me, I know,” he agrees. “I’m Dwayne, by the way. It’s very nice to meet you.”
Dwayne is really tall. He’s at least four inches taller than Stephan, who is 6’1”. I could totally see him being an NBA star. He’s very nice looking and muscular, not at all like a boy in high school should look, though the more I look at him, the less I think he’s actually in high school.
“Hi, Dwayne. I’m Scar—”
He cuts me off. “I know who you are. Everybody does. That must suck, you know, never having privacy, and always getting recognized everywhere you go. I don’t think I could do it.”
“It’s a small price to pay. I’ve been in the spotlight since I was fifteen, so I’ve kind
of gotten used to it. In LA it’s not so bad. People there are used to seeing celebrities around.”
“So why put yourself through the torture of being here?” he asks.
“I thought I could have a normal life for a little while. I wanted a break. I see now that it isn’t possible, but now, I’m staying to finish high school, and of course, I’m staying for Stephan.”
“She hasn’t been at school for a whole day in over a month,” Stephan informs Dwayne.
“I’ve tried. I swear. It’s just hard to film a documentary, record an album, and go to high school, all the while trying to maintain a relationship with my boyfriend, my friends, and my sisters. And I haven’t seen Stacy in forever. I need to go see her and my niece. I’m the worst aunt ever.”
“I wouldn’t worry so much about your grades,” Stephan tells me. “Ethan went to get your homework, and all of your teachers said that it was already taken care of.”
I shake my head. “See, I’m not even learning anything.”
This is not at all what I pictured in my head. The harder I strive to have a normal life, the faster the spotlight chases me… first with the documentary, and now the new album. Well, the new album is not a “definite” deal. If Barry hates it, then it’s obviously a no-go.
“Damn,” Dwayne comments, shaking his head. “I wish my teachers in high school would have been that chill with me.”
“Stephan, you ready to race?” Another boy calls to him.
“Yeah,” he turns to me. “Want to ride?”
“Definitely.”
11:02 PM
Frequently right.
My favorite thing about Stephan, besides his extremely sexy green eyes and his panty-melting smile, is his passion and dedication. Whenever Stephan loves something, he gives himself to it 100% no matter what the consequences.
He loves racing, and at first I thought it was stupid. He’s gambling, not only with money, but his life too. All it would take is one wrong move while driving, or leaving the races one second later and getting caught by a cop. But I get it now. Life is about taking chances. It’s about taking risks, no matter what the stakes. When I die I want to be able to say that I lived life to the fullest. I want to have no regrets. Because if you play it safe your whole life, are you really living?
I love how in these two months, Stephan has completely changed me and my way of thinking. I feel like I am not the same girl I was, and I do take more chances. I finally stood up to my mom and dad. I faced my fear of letting people in, and I came back to Hope. I didn’t take the easy way out, and I’m glad I didn’t.
“What are you thinking so hard about?” Stephan asks me as we drive home.
“I’m just hoping that Barry likes my music,” I tell him. “And what if he does like it? And then I release it, and everybody else hates it?”
“If they hate it, then they’re stupid, because you’re amazing. Don’t ever doubt yourself, Scar.” Stephan’s smile is reassuring. “And if you do fail, then I guess you finally get your shot at a normal life. It’s really not so bad either way, right?”
I nod. “You are right.”
“I frequently am.”
Tuesday, October 28
6:56 AM
My life is officially pathetic.
On Tuesday morning when I wake up I feel excited. Today is my “normal day”. (Aside from the fact that there are cameras following me around everywhere I go). There aren’t going to be any trips to the studio for the next 24 hours, and I can actually go to school the whole day.
Wow. I’m excited about going to school. My life is officially pathetic.
The weather in Florida has finally started getting cooler, but it’s still warm, especially considering it’ll be November soon. But it is officially hoodie weather, which happens to be my favorite time of the year.
When I walk downstairs Alec, Bridgett, Stephan, and Ethan are all sitting at my kitchen table. I grab a cup of coffee and join them. All four of them look up at me as I sit down, so I know something is up. Peter has a camera right on my face as well.
“What’s wrong?” I ask.
Alec clears his throat. “It’s your parents…”
“What about them?”
“They’re getting divorced,” Alec answers.
I think for a few seconds before responding. I knew this day was coming for a while, but it still hurts to hear it. The little kid in me was hoping they would somehow work it out, and somehow we would all be a family again.
“Oh,” I finally say. I really don’t know what I’m supposed to say, think, or feel. But I know what I am feeling — hurt, angry, and partly relieved. I also feel guilty for feeling relieved. I shouldn’t feel that way about my parents getting divorced. Now, more than anything, I want to talk to Stacy. So I excuse myself, go to the bathroom, and I call her.
“Hey, Scar,” she answers.
“Hey. I was wondering if you’re busy today after school. I’d really like to come see you and Anna if it’s alright with you.”
“Yeah, that would be great.” We are both silent for a second, but then Stacy continues. “I saw on the news… about mom and dad…”
I feel a tear slip down my face. “I knew it was coming, but it still hurts.”
“I know. Me too,” she agrees. “Bridgett told me about your documentary and your new album. That’s so exciting.”
“Oh yeah, about that… Do you mind if I bring cameras? It’s really hard to shake these guys, and they are going to want you and Anna involved in this, since you are my sister and she’s my niece.” I hate asking.
She sighs. “I knew you were going to ask me that. And I know that being in your life means doing stuff like this. Can you just let me think about it today, and after school I will call you? I want to see you more than anything, but I have to think about Anna.”
“I understand. I should probably go now. I hope I get to see you tonight.”
“Me too. I love you,” she tells me.
I can’t help but smile. “I love you too.”
I hit the end button and take a deep breath. The heavy feeling on my chest already feels lighter. Talking to Stacy was exactly what I needed. Now I just hope I get to see her tonight.
I walk out of the bathroom and back to the table. Everybody is still staring at me. Maybe they’re waiting for me to break. Or cry. But I don’t. Instead, I turn to Ethan and Stephan.
“We should probably get to school if we don’t want to be late.”
11:06 AM
Just a little.
Since talking to Stacy earlier, I’ve been in a surprisingly good mood. She was exactly the person I needed to talk to about our parents’ divorce. Now I just hope that she lets me come over later to see her and Anna.
The cameras are bugging me less now, though maybe I am just getting used to them. Earlier this morning, my director, Peter, got in trouble for talking too loud in my history class. He’s usually the one yelling at me, so it was kind of awesome watching the teacher scold him.
Missing school has really put me behind. I don’t understand a lot of what’s going on in class. I’m going to need Ethan to catch me up, especially math. The only problem with that is I don’t have any extra time to study. It feels like I have to choose between my career and an education, and I hate that. I want both.
In class, I go up to all my teachers just to make sure I don’t have any homework — they confirm that I don’t. I should be relieved, because I don’t know how I would find time to do the work anyway, but I’m not. I came back to school to learn, and I am not learning anything. I came to Hope for a normal life, but that obviously isn’t going to happen.
But I can’t complain. This is everything I wanted (aside from the documentary). I wanted to have Stacy back in my life;I wanted family and friends… I wanted people to treat me like a person, rather than a rock star. I wanted my dad to stop controlling my life. I wanted to play my music, my way. And that is exactly what is happening… It just isn’t happening in the way tha
t I expected it to.
As I sit in study hall, Stephan is playing with my hair. It’s kind of distracting. I’ve read the same page at least three times, and I still have no idea what it says. I really don’t mind though. Stephan is a good distraction.
Stephan is the one who makes me feel normal. Bridgett and Alec are both all about my career right now, and while I know they mean well sometimes I just need to clear my head. I love that Stephan is constant, and no matter what I need, he’s there. I hope that I can one day return the favor.
I turn around in my desk and face him. “You’re kind of awesome,” I whisper.
He grins mischievously. “Just kind of?”
I hold my index finger and thumb an inch apart. “Just a little.”
“Well, I think you’re a lot awesome.”
I can’t help but smile.
“You have a great smile,” he comments.
“I’m glad you think so, because you always make me smile,” I tell him.
“Hey, Scar, I was wondering, why did you move to Hope?” he asks hesitantly. “You’ve never really told me before.”
It should be easy to answer this question. I’ve told Stephanmore about myself than I’ve ever told anybody else, and I know he would never judge me… He wouldn’t think my reason was stupid. I take a deep breath and tell him.
“I came here because of the name — Hope. I felt like I had none when I first moved here,” I answer truthfully. “Now I know, Hope was waiting on me all along.”
“I’m really glad you came here. I couldn’t imagine my life without you.”
“I couldn’t imagine my life without you either, Stephan.”
“Good,” he says, smiling at me with a crooked grin. “I worry sometimes. I know it’s stupid, but you left once. What if you do again?”
I feel guilty at his words. I wish I could go back in time, and not run away. “I’m sorry that I made you doubt me. I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life, but I’ve always been through it alone. I am not used to depending on other people. This is all new to me. I’m sorry that I ran, but I promise I will never do it again.”
