by Mercy Amare
“Perfect timing,” Peter says, smiling. “Maybe we should have an overnight crew here. We don’t want to miss anything.”
I crinkle my nose at the thought. “No need to record tonight. Stephan and I are just going trick or treating with Anna.”
“What about Mona’s party?” Peter asks, obviously disappointed.
“What about it? I want to spend Halloween with my niece. But I think Alec and Bridgett are going,” I say. “You can go with them.”
“You’re no fun,” Peter says. “But we’re still going with you. We don’t want to miss anything.”
“It’s okay,” I shrug. “Anna really likes being on camera.”
“Do you feel like going to school?” Stephan asks, obviously concerned about me. But I’m over it. I’m sick of my parents. I’m not going to let them get me down.
“Yes. We should probably go.” I grab his hand, and we walk to his car. “Let’s just not talk about my parents, okay?”
“Whatever you want, Scar. But I’m here if you need to talk.”
5:17 PM
Because you’re not in love with me…
School is fun. Everybody is dressed up — zombies, vampires, superheroes, animals, cartoon characters, cupcakes, etc… All of the costumes are unique. Even a few of the teachers dressed up. It has been great to keep my mind off of what just happened with my dad.
But I am most looking forward to trick or treating with Anna. The truth is, I never got to go as a kid, and I think that it will be a fun experience. I’m glad Stephan is going with me. I can’t wait for him to meet Stacy and Anna.
“Do you think your niece will let me steal some of her candy?” Stephan asks as we drive to their house.
“You are not eating her candy!” I laugh. “But I will buy you some of your own as long as you behave.”
“That sounds an awful lot like a bribe.”
“It is,” I admit. “Just keep in mind that Anna is nine years old. You probably shouldn’t say fuck around her.”
“I’ve been around children before. I know how to behave.”
“You’re going to love her. She’s seriously the sweetest girl ever. In fact, she’ll probably have a crush on you.” I laugh. “She’s a little boy crazy.”
“Oh, you might have some competition,” he jokes.
“She also loves my music. She has posters of me on her wall. And she decided after meeting me that she too wants to be a rock star.”
“Isn’t that every nine year old’s dream?”
I shrug. “Maybe. But she wants to be like me. It’s a good feeling.”
“You do realize that you’re a role model for a whole lot of nine year olds out there, right? You are a rock star.”
“Really?” I’m actually surprised that he says this. “I always thought people saw me more as a sex symbol.”
“Oh, that too. I’m sure there are lots of guys who jack off to pictures of you.” He shakes his head. “And now I want to kill every one of them.”
I laugh. “Don’t be jealous. They are getting off to pictures of me. You get off to the real thing.Or, you will… eventually.”
“Oh right. Because you’re not in love with me.”
I shake my head. “I thought the L word was like a dirty word to you.”
“Right. Let’s just drop it,” he says angrily.
“You’re the one who brought it up.”
“Well, maybe we should talk about it then,” Stephan says as we pull up to the curb in front of Stacy’s apartment.
“Okay. But not right now, Stephan. I want to enjoy tonight with Anna and Stacy, and I don’t want to fight right now.”
“Fine,” he says, getting out of my car. He shuts the door a little harder than necessarily.
And I thought girls were the only emotional ones…
6:03 PM
I’m Scarlett.
Before we can knock on the door, Anna opens it. She’s wearing a long blonde wig, a pink dress, and a pair of high heels.
“You look scary, Aunt Scarlett,” she says and gives me a big hug. Once she backs away, she looks over at Stephan. “Is he your boyfriend?”
“Yes, he is.” At least for now, I think. He’s probably going to “talk” to me soon, which can only mean one thing… He’s going to break up with me, and when he does it’s going to break my heart.
But he’s worth the heartbreak.
“Who are you supposed to be?” Stephan asks her.
She grins big. “I’m Scarlett, silly!”
Stacy comes to the door and opens it up further. “Come in, you guys.”
We walk in, and Anna is starts dancing and singing one of my songs. I’m surprised that she actually knows the dance from my music video.
“She’s been so excited to show you her costume,” Stacy says. “She has been you for the past two years now.”
“How long did it take her to learn the dance?” I ask. “She’s actually pretty good.”
“I think she started on it Tuesday night after you came over.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah. She broke up with her little boyfriend at school.” She smiles, amused at Anna. “She’s convinced that she is going to be a rock star.”
Peter has his camera on Anna as she sings, and I can’t help but smile. I’m glad he’s boosting her ego. Maybe he’s not all that bad.
“Considering who her aunt is, I say the odds are in her favor,” Stephan says. “By the way, I’m Stephan.”
Stacy and he shake hands. “I’m Scarlett’s big sister, Stacy. It’s nice to meet you. But, be warned, I know how to use a gun. And if you hurt my little sister, I will not hesitate to hurt you.”
I smile to myself. I’m glad she’s saying this. Because I’m pretty sure he’s about to break my heart. Maybe he will think twice about it.
“I won’t,” he promises. “If anybody is going to be hurting anybody, it will be her hurting me.”
Stacy winks at me when Stephan looks away. I know it’s her way of telling me that she approves. “Anna, you ready to go trick or treating?”
“YES!”
9:11 PM
Want.
After trick or treating with Anna, it’s her bedtime, so Stephan and I head home. I’m dreading the car ride back, because I have a feeling that he is going to want to “talk”, and I’m not in the mood for more of his talking.
We drive for about five minutes before Stephan says a word.
“Why did they put these stupid cameras in here?” he asks, pointing towards the dashboard.
“Because they want me to have zero privacy,” I guess. “It sucks, but there’s not much I can do about it.”
“Why did you agree to do the documentary?”
“I don’t know. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Alec is a very convincing person,” I roll my eyes at his questions. “You were there. You seemed to think it was a good idea, too.”
“We need to talk, Scar, but not with these camera on us. Can we talk tonight?”
“Of course. But maybe we should do it at your house.”
“Okay,” he agrees.
I’m scared to ask, but I have to. “Are you breaking up with me? Is that what you need to talk about in private?”
He doesn’t reply for a few seconds, which scares me. But finally, he answers. “Do you want me to break up with you?”
“Never. If you did, it would break my heart.”
“I promise that I will never break your heart, Scar.”
I smile at his words, because I know he’s not breaking up with me. But part of me is still scared of what he is going to say. I want Stephan to feel the same way that I do.
I am so in love with him that I can’t think straight. When he touches me, it’s like I forget everything else. It’s only us. And when he kisses me, the passion is overwhelming. I need him to feel the same. I want him to need me as much as I need him. He promises that he won’t break my heart, but he already has. Each and every day, he takes a little bit more of my hea
rt. I’m waiting for him to give me his heart in return, but he doesn’t. He guards it with his life.
Maybe he’s scared that I will break his heart.
“Hey Stephan,” I say, breaking the silence.
“Yeah?”
“Just so you know, I won’t break your heart either.”
Stephan doesn’t respond to me. In fact, neither of us says a word the rest of the way to his house. The whole time I am wondering what he’s thinking.
I hope he’s thinking about love.
About twenty minutes later, I pull my car into my driveway, and we walk over to Stephan’s house. I told Peter that I was done filming for the night. He protested, but honestly he gave up pretty easily. I guess he saw the determination in my eyes. I was not going to lose this one.
Stephan’s mom and dad weren’t home, and Ethan was at Mona’s Halloween party, so we had his house to ourselves. It was nice to be alone for once, even though I was not looking forward to the conversation we were about to have.
I followed Stephan to his room, and he shut the door behind us. He threw off his shoes, and went into the bathroom and began scrubbing away his zombie makeup. I did the same.
“We make good zombies,” he says.
“What did you think of Stacy and Anna?” I wonder.
“Anna was seriously awesome.” He answers.“She looks up to you so much. And Stacy was… a bit intense, but I liked her. She was just looking out for you.”
After we both scrub off the rest of our makeup, we go back inside his room and Stephan flops down on the bed face first. I take off my heels, and climb on beside him. He rolls over to look at me.
“You know, you’re kind of beautiful without makeup.”
“Kind of?” I question.
“Not just kind of. You’re absolutely stunning, drop-dead gorgeous, beautiful, sexy… I could go on.”
I can’t help but smile at his compliments. “I really thought you were going to break up with me tonight.”
Stephan shakes his head. “You are smart, but I swear, sometimes you are absolutely clueless. Can you not see how much I care about you? Why would I break up with the girl I plan on spending the rest of my life with?”
His words are so sweet. And I want to believe him, but I’m scared. How can I be so confident in myself, yet I can’t be confident in those around me? What more does he have to do to prove that he’s not leaving?
“I’m pretty screwed up,” I tell him. “I ran away because I got scared. What if I run away again?”
“I won’t let you run away,” he promises. “If you run, I will chase you. I won’t just let you go so easily next time.”
“I am scared, Stephan,” I admit.
“What are you scared of?”
I’m scared that you won’t love me back. “I’m scared of losing you.”
“I’m not going anywhere, Scarlett. How can I prove that to you?”
Tell me you love me. “I don’t know. You say that now. But what if you change your mind.”
“Nothing in life is absolutely definite.”
“Exactly. And I don’t want you to break my heart.”
Stephan pulls me closer and kisses my forehead. “Will you stay with me tonight? We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, but I want you here.”
I nod and lay my head on his chest.
“I don’t know how many more ways that I can say this, but you are mine. I’m offering you forever here,” he says softly.
“You’re only eighteen. How can you offer me forever? How can you know what the future holds?” I ask.
“I can offer you forever, because I know that what I feel for you isn’t going away ever. I don’t know what the future holds, but it doesn’t matter. Whatever happens, my heart will always belong to you.”
I ponder his words. Does that mean he loves me? Why won’t he tell me if he does? If what we have is truly forever, this shouldn’t be so complicated.
“I wish I knew what you were thinking.”
I laugh. “Well, you will know soon enough.”
He looks at me with curiosity. “How?”
“When you hear the song I wrote. The lyrics describe exactly how I feel about you,” I say, biting my lip. Maybe I shouldn’t have said that. Him knowing scares me. What if he hates it? What if he breaks up with me because of it?
“I wish you could just tell me what you’re thinking.”
I look at him, wishing that I could do the exact same thing. Love is what I’m thinking. It’s what I’m feeling. But I can’t get the words out. “I’m better at expressing myself through music.”
“I hate that your parents made you this way.”
“But maybe you can tell me how you feel…”
He looks at me for a few seconds before responding. “I’m pretty sure you know how I feel. But I’m not certain that you feel the same way yet. So, I guess I’m scared of you rejecting me. I’d rather wait.”
“But what if we both feel the same way?”
Stephan smiles. “I guess we will see when I hear your song.”
Damn, he’s good.
“You frustrate the hell out of me,” I tell him.
“Ditto,” he agrees. “Would it be alright if I kissed you?”
“Why are you asking now? You’ve kissed me a hundred times before…”
“True, but I promised I wouldn’t try anything tonight that you didn’t want,” he explains. “So I need to know if you want me to kiss you.”
Instead of responding, I put my lips against his and kiss him.
I’m sick of being good. Just one night, I want to lose myself with him. I need him to touch me. I take his hand and place it under my shirt. It’s my way of telling him to touch me. There is no way I am going to stop kissing him long enough to actually say the words.
He climbs on top of me, and puts his leg in between mine. I tug up on his shirt, and he takes the hint. He stops kissing me long enough to throw it off. He’s only gone for a second before he puts his lips back on mine. He starts kissing my neck, and then pulls at the bottom of my tank top. He looks at me, waiting for me to say yes or no. I nod my head. I want every inch of clothing between us gone. Once my tank top is gone, he unclasps my bra and throws it on top of the ever growing pile of clothes on the floor. He stops kissing me long enough to stop and admire my body. He runs his hands over my breasts.
“You are beautiful,” he whispers to me.
Before I even have a chance to respond, He starts kissing me again — on my lips, down my neck, and across my breasts. I want more. No, I need more.
I pulled down my skirt, and Stephan gives me a wicked grin as he throws it on the floor. I unzipped his jeans, and he slipped out of them and his boxers. The only thing between us is my very thin, black lace thong. As his lips found mine again, I could feel just how bad that he wanted me.
His hands explore my body, and with every touch I feel myself losing control.
“I want you so bad,” he whispers against my lips.
He wants me.
But does he love me?
I pull away, just a little. I have to stop. I can’t keep going, no matter how bad I want to. Not until I know if he loves me. But I am not about to ask him right here, because I know guys well enough to know that he would say about anything to get me to sleep with him.
“Maybe I should go.”
Stephan groans, and falls onto the bed next to me. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed you.”
“You didn’t push me. I’m sorry I let it go that far.”
“We’ve been dating just over a month. It was too soon. I understand.”
I laugh at his statement. I’ve had my fair share of one-night stands. And if sex were all I wanted from him, I would have fucked him my first night in Hope. But I want so much more. I need to know that he loves me.
“It’s not the amount of time,” I say to him, as I get up and start putting on my clothes. “I’m just going to go home tonight. I’m sorry.”
/> I looked at Stephan one last time. He was lying naked on his bed, and the hurt look on his face was killing me. I knew that I should turn around and tell him exactly what I was thinking, but I couldn’t. So I did the hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I walked away.
Saturday, November 1
9:07 AM
I will show them all
I hear a knock on my door, so I roll over and look at the clock. It is Saturday morning, and I honestly didn’t plan on getting out of bed all day. My head is pounding, and I feel hung over despite the fact that I haven’t drunk alcohol in months.
“Go away!” I yell at the door, and then put my head back onto my pillow.
Ignoring my request, my door opens. I don’t look up to see how it was, because truthfully, I don’t care. I don’t want to see anybody.
“You need to come downstairs. Your lawyer is here to go over Barry’s contract with you,” I hear Alec say.
I just lay there staring at the ceiling. “Tell him to come back later. I have a headache, and I don’t want to deal with it right now.”
“Get the fuck out of your bed right now and get dressed,” Alec demands. “I don’t care what your problem is. This is your job. I put my career on hold so I could help you. Now you’re going to get your ass downstairs within the next five minutes, or I am going to drag you down there myself.”
Alec walks out, shutting the door behind him. I force myself to get out of bed. Despite what my personal problems are, Alec is right. It’s my job, and I have to do this right now whether I want to or not.
I look down at my favorite green sweat pants, and my pink tank top. “Works for me.”
I brush my teeth and then head down stairs. I don’t feel like getting dressed up, so I’m not going to.
“Miss Ryan,” the lawyer greets me as I walk into the living room. He’s wearing a suit, as always.
“Hey, Mr. Matthews,” I say. “How does the contract look?”
“Well, it looks quite favorable… IF your new song is successful,” he hesitates. I can tell he’s not too excited about telling me the next part. “But if not, then you’re basically going to be Barry’s bitch for the next four years.”
