“Cheers.”
“Congrats, honey, I’m so proud of you. And the movie is beautiful.” We spent the afternoon in a screening room downtown watching the final cut, and it is a spectacular film. I was very moved by the story of this nomadic African tribe, and was impressed that Nate’s work was seamless and invisible. Sometimes when you watch a documentary, you can see the director’s handprints all over it; their opinions, politics, and biases become clear, and you can feel them manipulating you through the story as they want you to see it. But here I just felt like a fly on the wall, the camera seemed to have been a totally objective observer, and the editing, while serving to clearly define a narrative arc for the piece, never felt heavy-handed. The production company who hired him is apparently very pleased, so whatever second-guessing he is doing now is totally just his own perfectionism.
“Thanks, that means a lot to me.”
We clink glasses again, and sip the light wine. Our server arrives with the first course and we submit to the pleasure of good food and good wine and the company of someone you love.
“Melanie, darling, how are you?”
“GILLY! My god, kiddo, it is good to hear your voice. What’s going on?”
“I’m just checking in to see how you’re doing, how you’re hanging in there.”
“I’m good.”
“Mel . . .”
“What? I’m good!”
She sighs breathily into the phone. “Look, Mel, you don’t have to put on the brave voice with me. I know what this week is. And I’m calling to say that I know, and that it sucks, and that if you need me, I’ll come.”
This is the week Andrew and Charlene are getting married. I hate that she knows it. I hate that anyone knows it. Especially me.
“Gillian, you’re sweet, and yes, it sucks, but truly, I’m fine. It’s a little piece of shit in the toilet that needs an extra couple flushes. I’m not thinking about it, I’m not dwelling on it; I’m just dealing with it. And I love you, and I’d love to see you, but you don’t have to come to rescue me.”
“Okay, then. How is everything else, how is Nathan?”
“Good. We’re good, you know.”
“That’s not the same as great.”
“I think I’m not fully ready for great, you know? It’s too soon for great, it’s too hard to believe in great. I have to really think hard every day to be happy with good, to trust it. I’m working my way up to being prepared for great, you know?”
“I know, honey. And you take whatever time you need. But Mel, Andrew was a shit. An unflushable little turd, to borrow your phrase. You have to believe he is the exception that proves the rule. Not all men are shits. Yes, you should be cautious, but not to the point it kills a chance at happiness.”
“I know.”
“Do you?”
“I do. Swear.”
“Pinky swear?”
“Pinky swear. How is everything there, how’s it going being partner?”
“It’s good, you know, busy busy.”
“And any boys for you?”
“When I need them.”
“Fair enough. You know, Gilly, we’ve never talked about it, but . . .”
“But?”
“If you’re a lesbian, that is totally cool with me, you know.”
Gilly laughs, throaty and deep. “Good lord, Mel, don’t you think if I were in that way inclined I would have told you by now? Yeesh. I’m not into girls; I’m just not into relationships at the moment. I date, I get laid, I’m fine. I have a plan, and I’m on track. You know I never wanted kids, that whole thing. The work is good, I have plenty of friends to eat with and laugh with and travel with. If a guy comes along and is the right guy, I’ll keep him. In the meantime, I’m good.”
“Okay.”
“A lesbian. Really.”
“Okay, okay!”
“All right, lovely, I have to go. You’re sure you’re okay?”
“I am, I’m good. And thanks for calling, I really appreciate it.”
“Love you, sis.”
“Love you back.”
Kai is waiting for me when I get to the store.
“You’re here early.”
“I had Phil drop me off; I wanted to be here when you got here.” Kai looks very serious. My heart drops.
“What’s going on? You have a look on your face I don’t like . . . Is something wrong?”
“Let’s go inside, nothing’s wrong, but I want to talk to you about something and I hope it is a good something, so don’t be worried.”
I unlock the door and let us in. Kai heads over to the stove and puts on the electric kettle, grabbing our two mini teapots and two mugs from the shelf above. “English Breakfast or Jasmine?” he asks.
“English Breakfast, please.”
Kai spoons tea leaves into the little mesh baskets inside the teapots, and waits for the water to boil.
“So, I have some news,” Kai begins.
“Obviously. What the hell is going on, Kai?”
“We bought next door.”
I don’t immediately understand. “What did you buy next door?”
Kai laughs. “Oh, Slim, we didn’t buy something next door, we bought the BUILDING next door. We bought Joe’s place.”
“You’re kidding? Why?”
“Well, a couple of reasons. First, as you know, Phil doesn’t really let me pay for much, generous thing that he is, so I’ve saved up a few thousand dollars that I thought could use investing. And Delia had her windfall . . .”
“Wait, you and DELIA bought next door?”
“Me and Delia and Phil. Delia’s insurance, and my little savings, and Phil making up the rest.”
I plop down on the stool as Kai pours the now boiling water over the tea leaves. It’s sort of shocking, the idea of the three of them doing this without even talking to me. Kai brings over a teapot and mug to where I am sitting and grabs the small container of skim milk out of the lowboy fridge for me.
“So, here is how things went down . . . Delia gets this chunk of dead hubby money, right? A couple of weeks ago, Phil comes by to pick me up, and Delia is here and she and he start talking about investments, and he says that real estate is the best investment, and she says maybe she should buy old Joe’s place next door, and then Phil thinks about it, and says that maybe she should. But when she tells us how much money she got, we know that it isn’t enough to buy the place outright, and she needs the monthly pension to pretty much cover her bills. But then Phil and I start talking, and the place is a good investment. Great location, storefront space to rent out on the first floor, we start thinking about it. For us, there is the tax break and the potential rental income, and for Delightful there is the apartment upstairs, so she will have a place to live that she owns. We went to look at it, got an independent inspection, talked to the real estate people and Joe is a pretty motivated seller, so the place is pretty reasonable, price-wise. Long story short, the three of us formed a limited partnership, and bought the building!”
My eyes are filling with tears.
“Oh, Mellie Mel, don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad, you goof. I’m so happy for Delia! She is going to have her own place to live, all her own that no one can take from her. And it’s right next door, so even if she quits, I’ll still get to see her! I think it’s WONDERFUL. But why didn’t you guys tell me?”
“Well, we, um . . . We kind of thought with all your financial problems of late, that us getting all excited about buying property together might seem a little insensitive. Especially because, and maybe I’m wrong here, but I think that if you were more solvent, had a bigger nest egg, you might have thought about buying the place yourself, and it might have made you sad to think that we could do it and you couldn’t.”
“I appreciate the sensitivity, but I wish you’d told me. I’m excited for you guys, and for Delia, and I’m so relieved that it is you three that will be handling things! What are you going to do about the first floor?”
“That is something I want to talk to you about.” Delia is standing in the doorway, having appeared silently I have no idea when.
I jump off my chair and hug her. “D, I’m so happy for you. Congratulations!”
She hugs me back. “Thank you, Melanie. I’m very glad to hear that.”
“You must be so excited, a place of your own that really belongs to you! When do you close?”
Kai heads over to put on a pot of coffee for Delia. “We close at the end of June, occupancy July first.”
Just a few weeks away. “Well, D, if you need any help, painting or putting up shelves or anything, I’m right next door!”
“Thank you, Mel. But there is something else.”
“What’s that?”
“I’ve been talking to Kai and Phil, and I’m thinking that maybe you and I could use the first-floor space to open another café.”
“You and me? What, like expand to next door?”
“No, more like a sister store. You know I love to cook, but you also know that my true cooking passion is very different from yours. I don’t know anything about running a store, I’ve never been to culinary school, but I know how to cook good old-fashioned comfort food that people seem to enjoy. I also know that a lot of the people who want and need the kind of food you make here, live with people who don’t have the same issues . . . They have kids who can eat whatever they like or husbands or wives without weight problems. I thought, if you and I together created a second store, one that sold essentially the opposite of what you sell, they would complement each other. A woman who is trying to be healthy can come by and pick up dinner for herself here, but head next door to get ribs for her husband with the fast metabolism or macaroni and cheese for her kids. You know the business and mechanics of the thing, and I could just be in the kitchen.”
“ISN’T IT BRILLIANT?” Kai jumps in. “When I told Phil, he flipped out. I mean, it’s total genius! And then we are all partners together! I’m going to work here with you in the morning, and then afternoons with Delia, so I get the best of both worlds!”
My heart sinks. “Okay, first of all, D, it’s a great idea and I know you will be a success and I’m going to be so proud when you open your place. And Kai, you and Phil couldn’t have a better person to back. But as you said earlier, I have no means at the moment to invest, and as much as I would love to be a part of what you guys are doing, and of course I’ll help however I can, I won’t be able to be a partner.” I hate this. I hate that an opportunity like this could fall into my lap and I would be totally unable to take advantage of it.
“We will figure something out, Mel,” Kai says.
“I’m sure there is something . . .” Delia pipes in.
I raise my hand to stop them. “Guys, it’s okay. I know you want me involved, and I promise I’ll help however I can. I’m so glad you’ll be right next door, and even though I wish like mad that I could come on board with you, we all know it just isn’t possible right now. But I love you, and I’m so flattered that you would want to include me, and knowing that will have to be enough for now. And just because I’m not a partner doesn’t mean we can’t do great cross-promotion . . . I think you’re right, the two places will complement each other, and hopefully we’ll both see bigger business because of our proximity.”
Kai and Delia look at each other, brows furrowed.
“Hey. Guys, it’s okay! This is a cause for celebration, let’s not bring it down!” I reach my arms out to them, willing myself to be happy for them, willing myself to remember how blessed my life is. They both move forward to hug me, and I can feel their love for me, but also their pity, and it nearly breaks me.
“Can we get to work?” I say. We release our embrace.
“Absolutely,” Kai says, reaching for an apron.
“What are we doing today?” Delia says, heading over to the prep sink to wash her hands.
“I think today we should see if we can’t adapt some good old family recipes. I know a couple of things I’ve been meaning to try.” I need creamed spinach. A vat of it.
“Well, then,” Delia says. “Let’s get to it!”
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES
Chocolate chip cookies are no-brainer go-to giveaway food. A Valentine. An apology. A hostess gift. What you give to a pal who is blue. It’s usually one of the first things you learn to bake as a kid, often starting with just baking premade tube cookie dough, eventually moving up to mixing your own. My mom taught me how to make chocolate chip cookies as a part of the annual Christmas cookie festival, and while I’ve tried over the years occasionally to mess with the recipe, to be honest, the Toll House classic on the back of the Nestlé chocolate chip bag is hard to improve upon. The dough tastes great, and the finished product is that perfect blend of crispy on the outside and soft on the inside that for me is the perfect cookie. They freeze beautifully, and travel well, so you can pack them in care packages and ship them off, and keep them in the freezer for emergencies.
“I’ve gained five pounds,” I say to Carey.
“How does that feel?”
“Scary. I haven’t been bingeing; I don’t feel out of control, I’ve just been the tiniest bit less diligent. I mean, it’s been harder and harder the past few weeks to make time to exercise, with everything going on and trying to make time to see Nate, and I haven’t been to the gym at all this week between the cold and working. I’ve just been too beat. And I know that I’ve been eating out more with Nate, and certainly ate weird when he was here with me while I was sick. I just haven’t been paying attention. Delia has been coming in early to test recipes for the new place next door, so there has been some seriously yummy food lying around, and a lot of tasting and testing. But it’s weird how I haven’t felt like I could possibly have gotten so far off track, and yet, there it was on the scale, up five.”
“What is your first instinct?”
“To eat a vat of mashed potatoes.”
“Why is that?”
“Because they are delicious.”
“That isn’t a real answer.”
“I’m tired. I’m tired of being good all the time, I’m tired of maintaining. I’m tired of feeling like my value in the world is the fact that I lost the weight, and feeling like I’m judged for it. If I keep the weight off, I’m annoying to people who are struggling. And if I put it back on, it just proves that fat people never have enough willpower or determination to not be fat. And on top of it, I picked a fight with Nathan yesterday.”
“What about?”
“He brought over Homemade Pizza Company for dinner last night, and he got a large sausage pizza with fresh tomatoes and red onions, and a salad, and one of their big chocolate chip cookies. Now, he knows that sausage-onion-tomato is my favorite, right? So did I thank him for remembering my favorite pizza? No. Did I appreciate that he was diligent about making sure there was also a healthy food option around so that I didn’t feel the need to overeat the pizza? Nope. Did I find it sweet that a mere two days after we made chocolate chip cookies to send to his sister and her husband to congratulate them on getting pregnant, and telling him all about what chocolate chip cookies mean to me historically, that he brought me a big cookie? Hell no. I accused him of simultaneously tempting me with the pizza and cookie, and telling me I shouldn’t eat it by buying the salad, and warned him that feeding me was a dangerous game, because I could relapse at any moment, and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t want me if I were fat again.”
“What did he say?”
“He asked what was really wrong with me.”
“And what is really wrong with you?”
“I don’t know. I weighed myself yesterday, so I know I was particularly aware that I’m off. And I know that I’m not supposed to pay attention to the scale, that I’m only supposed to look at how my clothes fit and how I feel, but it bothered me how fast, how sneaky, those five pounds were. It made me feel like if those five could come back, the other hundred and forty are right behind them. And it m
ade me wonder if I had still been big when I was crying in that museum if Nate would have reached out to me.”
“So what I’m hearing is that you are having some trust issues, with him and with yourself. You don’t trust yourself to stay healthy, to manage your eating, to keep yourself active. And you don’t trust Nathan to really understand your issues and be supportive of you.”
“I know I have all this trust baggage because of Andrew, but Nate hasn’t done anything to mitigate that. He went behind my back and did all that digging about Nadia, he keeps taking me out to restaurants and filling his fridge with tempting foods, and I just think he doesn’t get how bad it makes me feel to think that if he had met me when I was fat he wouldn’t have wanted me, he wouldn’t have loved me, and I resent him for it, even though he hasn’t done anything to show me that!”
“Do you think you are subconsciously eating extra, exercising less, so that you can gain a little weight to test him? To see if he cares about it?”
I hadn’t thought of this. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
“Do you really think you would go all the way back to where you were?”
“I have dreams where I wake up and my old body is back. And half of me is so upset and sad, and half of me is like ‘Hooray, tonight I can have a hot fudge sundae and a pile of french fries!’ and I’m pretty sure that makes me a crazy person.”
Carey laughs. “Oh, sweetie, you aren’t crazy, you’ve just got a lot going on, personally and professionally. You’ve got the new business venture next door, you’ve got Nadia in your house and the pressure of everything you now know about her, you have this very new relationship, which is being tested in all sorts of ways, and unless I’m mistaken, your ex got married yesterday.”
Good Enough to Eat Page 19
