by Jeannie Lin
One night was all he wanted from her in the end. She should be relieved. When the lust and physical need were cold and done, he would have no reason to keep her. Madame had taught her that.
A strand of hair fell over her eyes and she pushed it back. No wonder they all stared at her so fearfully in her disarray. The sun was starting to sink in the sky. She didn’t have much time left before dark.
She let Auntie take her arm and lead her back up to her room as if she were a doll. The stairs seemed to stretch on endlessly. Her feet fell heavily on each step. The surge of emotion had left her drained.
They returned together to her quarters. Suyin sank into a chair in the sitting room and began working her hair loose from its knot. Auntie rushed to help her, pulling the pins to lower her hair with a gentle, careful hand. The tenderness of it made her throat tighten. Of all of them, she would miss Auntie the most once she was gone, but she couldn’t stay. She had to think of survival. That was her one true talent. Her ability to bend men to her will was only a myth.
‘My lady must know Master Li would never hurt her,’ Auntie said, squeezing her hand.
‘Auntie is too trusting.’
‘Tao will have to seek atonement in the next life, but he would never harm a defenceless woman.’
Suyin stifled a bitter laugh. ‘Defenceless?’
Auntie was blind when it came to Li Tao, but the old woman was mistaken about her as well. She had caused enough harm in her life without ever holding a weapon in her hand. Hadn’t she sent Ru Shan to his death? Li Tao’s eyes had been flat, reflecting nothing as he’d held his sword over the soldier. It was a killing look.
But he hadn’t acted yet.
Auntie disappeared momentarily and returned from the dressing room with a comb. Suyin took it from her hands. ‘Please go check on Ru Shan. Don’t let Governor Li know that I asked.’
Li Tao had accused her of turning his servants against him. She couldn’t bear the thought of what he would do to Auntie and the others if he suspected any more disloyalty.
The old woman nodded and hurried away. The hinges creaked as she closed the doors behind her. As soon as she was alone, Suyin doubled over in her chair, eyes closed, hand pressed against her midsection to steady her breath. A wave of fear, nervousness and excitement rushed through her all at once until her head swam.
This is what Emperor Li Ming had taught her to do in the palace. Everything shown in public had to be controlled. Once hidden away, she could feel everything.
She squeezed her eyes shut, but that only made the hard press of Li Tao’s mouth against hers come back to her tenfold. What had she agreed to?
This merging of anger and desire was more dangerous than any threat of violence. His discipline had broken in the parlour and she had been caught up in it, welcoming the danger and demanding more. But she had prevailed. He was going to release her. They’d both have what they wanted. She’d have her freedom, he’d have his precious control.
They had been dancing around each other for weeks. She needed the fear and the temptation to be done with. She wanted Li Tao despite his rebelliousness—wanted him because of it. She was supposed to belong to no one but the Emperor, but Li Tao didn’t care about imperial law. He brought out emotions she thought she’d never experience again. When she was close to him, Suyin longed for him to touch her. When he did touch her, desire overwhelmed her and she was lost. She’d fought against this feeling of powerlessness all her life.
And she loved it now.
Was Li Tao right about her? Had she lived with danger for so long, she craved it?
After tonight she would be free in more ways than one. Her dangerous fascination with Li Tao would end once she was no longer trapped in his house. Even Auntie and Cook’s kindness couldn’t make her forget that Li Tao was doomed. She would find a place to disappear along her river and forget. She had always been able to move on to another place and weave a cocoon of safety around herself. Gao might seek her out once Li Tao no longer protected her, but she’d avoided the old wolf on her own for years.
The comb was still clenched in her hand, the teeth biting into the palm. It slipped through her nerveless fingers as she lifted it to her hair.
All of this was supposed to be second nature. Yin and yang and the ways of sensual fulfilment. Yet she was shaking hard as she had the first night she’d been summoned to the Emperor’s chamber.
Li Tao wouldn’t be a gentle lover, but his hands had stroked her with exquisite knowledge. He knew how to pleasure a woman. She had no doubt of that. Her skin tingled from his caress, her body aroused and searching. He would expect the same knowledge of her.
The extent of her reputation was laughable. How could imperial concubines be expected to be goddesses in the bedchamber when they were trained to please only one man, the Emperor?
Auntie returned and wordlessly picked up the fallen comb. ‘Master Li took Ru Shan. No one knows where,’ she reported in a hush.
Suyin stared ahead, her mask of control slipping back in place. ‘No harm will come to him yet.’
‘Are you certain?’
‘I’m certain.’
Li Tao wouldn’t come to her that night with blood on his hands. Her willingness was important to him. She didn’t understand what rules of honour he lived by, but he treated her with a semblance of civility, even protectiveness. At least, until she provoked him.
‘Lady Ling, you look pale.’
‘We need to fix that.’ Her thoughts were far away.
Auntie regarded her questioningly.
She would need a bath. Her hair needed to be pinned, her skin perfumed. She couldn’t appear as anything less than ravishing for Li Tao. She took wicked satisfaction in how her beauty confused him. This was a different allure from the one she projected to the court. With Li Tao, she was a woman for once, something more than a pretty illusion.
The door to the study opened into darkness. Suyin placed her hand against the wall to guide herself. The lamps inside had been extinguished. The lantern in the hallway provided the only light.
Li Tao was there. She could sense him. The darkness magnified his presence. He was nothing but a silhouette. Unknown and tempting.
His hands curved over her shoulders. Li Tao pressed her flat against the wall as their gazes locked. He was breathing hard, his chest rising and falling. She couldn’t find her next breath no matter how hard she tried. With his eyes on her the entire time, he reached out to push the door shut.
His mouth found hers and pried her lips roughly apart. Before her eyes could adjust to the darkness, he was kissing her with his hard body strained against her, hip to hip. He trapped her in a fierce embrace. Everything all at once. No time to form any thought.
Better like this. She moaned in surrender as his tongue invaded her mouth. Ribbons of heat curled through her limbs and she hooked her arms around his neck. Better like this, without a word. She couldn’t trust herself not to challenge and confound him the moment she spoke. This way, she could just feel.
She let herself be swept into the hunger between them. Her eyes closed as her head fell back and the darkness surrounded her. She pressed against Li Tao, feeling his tension through every muscle.
One of his hands dug into her hair as the other pulled at the sash at her waist. The hairpins fell away haphazardly. He cared nothing for her efforts over the last hours. He pulled at the layers of her dress and slipped them from her shoulders. A faint tearing sound broke through the silence. The cadence of his breathing filled her ears, the sound of it urgent, desperate.
She reached for his robe, but he was much faster, more efficient. In a few short motions, he tugged his clothing away and dropped the material beside the pool of her dress. Only the embroidered bodice remained tied over her breasts. Soon that was gone too. He was bare before her as well, sculpted and powerful. She had no time to look before his hands were on her, curving over her breasts, her hips. He was flying and she couldn’t catch him, didn’t know what to do with her
hands or her body. His calloused palms scraped over her sensitised flesh and his mouth invaded hers again, stealing away her breath. She had never been so exposed, so vulnerable.
With insistent purpose, he lowered her to the floor until she lay on the discarded layers of her gown. He bent his head to take her breast. Heaven and earth. His mouth was searing hot on her skin and unrelenting. Her head fell back against the wooden planks as her arms stole around his waist to hold on.
Whenever she had imagined this, her dream lovers had always been gentle and caring. She was wrong; this was what it should be. His teeth scraped her nipple and she let out a startled cry. The shock of pleasure through her was unbearable. He did it again, biting against tender flesh already sensitive beyond thought. A flood of dampness gathered between her legs. She dug her nails into him, demanding more.
He had planned this. She had stayed in her room as the sun fell and darkness descended and when he didn’t come, when he didn’t send for her, she had gone to search for him. All the while Li Tao had been waiting, letting her desire build into a summer storm.
She had to stop herself from thinking like this. There was no plan, no meaning layered upon meaning here. She blinked, trying to focus on him. When he finally pulled away the rest of his clothing to lie skin to skin on top of her, no warmth had ever felt so complete.
He opened her legs and watched her face as he slid a finger purposefully along her folds. It was the first moment of quiet he had allowed her and it was only to tease her, letting the sensation build and build within her until she gasped out his name.
She reached for his face, tracing the stark ridges of his cheekbones. Her fingertips soothed against the edge of his scar and an odd tenderness seized her. He was beautiful with the awe of lightning storms and tigers.
Flinching, he snatched her hand away from his face. Sentiment wasn’t what he wanted from her. He guided her hands between his thighs. His hips thrust the hard, naked length of him against her palm. He swelled even more against her touch, pulsing and rigid. He parted her legs on the wooden planks of the floor and her muscles tensed.
It was going to happen. She held her breath. He centred himself before sliding down and into her in one steady thrust, pushing to the hilt.
She tore inside. Her body wrenched tight around him and she bit down against her lip to stifle her scream. Li Tao went still above her, the fevered energy of his passion stopped.
Madame had always said there would be a moment of pain, but once again she had lied. The unbearable sensation of being penetrated and stretched continued as her body struggled to adjust to the new invasion of a man’s body inside her. She closed her eyes, hoping to dull the sensation. When she finally opened them, Li Tao glared down at her.
‘How?’
She shook her head. His hands clenched into fists on either side of her shoulders. Her arms were still around him. His hips shifted inadvertently and her breath caught. She could see the indecision in his eyes. Then he squeezed them shut and shook his head helplessly. Jaw clenched, he lifted slowly and then pushed back into her, trying to keep his movements slow, but it didn’t matter. She could feel every inch of him within her, stretching her, the sensation intensified.
Eventually her tight walls grew damp, yielding only slightly. He rocked himself into her, sliding in and out, unable to deny himself. Through the pain, she held on to him, fingers digging into sweat-dampened skin. A current of distant pleasure rose to combine with the pain as his thrusts deepened. His rhythm became erratic. He pulsed once, twice, then his entire body wound tight as his essence spilled into her.
He pounded his fist against the floorboards in frustration and she flinched at the impact. With a curse, he lifted his body away from her.
‘How is this possible?’ he demanded, his voice thick.
She gathered the discarded silk around her shoulders and sat up, hissing at the unexpected ache. Li Tao’s coupling had left her sore and filled with an acute loneliness. She had been naïve to believe there would be a long night of seduction once the great lie had been revealed.
‘Many concubines live their lives untouched in the inner court, forgotten.’ Her attempt to appear dispassionate failed when her voice broke.
Every muscle in him pulled tight. ‘Not you.’
She leaned back against the wall for support as he faced her, his knees braced against the floor, his nakedness forgotten. Her response angered him further, but maybe she wanted it that way.
‘You know the answer,’ she said.
‘I don’t know anything.’
If he thought hard enough, she was certain he would discover what the August Emperor had fought to hide for so many years. But Li Tao didn’t care about the secrets of the imperial court. His eyes burned through her.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’
Her lips parted in silence. There was no answer to that. Who would believe that Ling Guifei, the great seductress, had never been possessed by a man? Her eyes burned from sudden tears that she hoped the darkness would hide.
He swiped his robe from the floor in a violent motion, but then threw it aside. His chiselled body rippled with shadows as he stormed from the room, leaving her stranded amidst the tattered silk.
Li Tao threw the chamber door shut behind him. He shoved his hands through his hair, denying the satisfied flush of his body. The scent of jasmine clung to his skin. Visions of sensual eyes, pale skin and her perfect mouth swam before him. He grabbed a pair of trousers from the wardrobe and pulled them on impatiently.
Lies. Everything about Ling Suyin was a pretty, unfathomable lie. The score of her nails down his back and the exquisite tightness of her flesh around him had given way to the shocking breach of her maidenhead. The empire’s symbol of beauty and feminine sensuality was an untouched virgin.
He’d taken her quickly as a defence, the only defence left to him. There were stories about Ling Suyin being discovered in the pleasure dens of Luoyang. She had bewitched the Emperor with a single look. After a night with her, Emperor Li Ming had forsaken all others.
Hadn’t she lured him with every word and every sensual glance? Had her restraint been coyness or innocence? Up to the moment Li Tao sank himself into her, she had responded with an unrestrained passion he had attributed to experience. He sank on to the edge of the bed and rubbed his hand over his temples.
He needed to take apart everything he knew about Lady Ling. She hadn’t seduced Ru Shan, not with her body. The thought gave him a moment of relief, followed by a surge of anger. She didn’t belong to him, but his thoughts would not release her. She had yielded to him. No other man but him.
When he’d left her, there had been genuine sadness in her eyes. At that moment, he no longer knew what was real. He would never know her. The moment he had her in his grasp, she slipped away as if to spite him.
Chapter Nine
Suyin stayed on the cold floor for a long time after the door slammed shut. Li Tao had left, but the ghost of his fury hovered, bearing down on her. Slowly, she retied the laces of the bodice and gathered the robe around her shoulders.
Li Tao had believed the stories and the rumours like everyone else. How could anyone not be disappointed? Even a goddess could not measure up to her legendary reputation.
She wanted to curl back on to the floor. The great burden was finally lifted. The August Emperor was long gone and she was free, but her relief was tainted by a sense of emptiness and loss she couldn’t place.
Her legs trembled when she tried to stand. She steadied herself with a hand against the wall. Long ago, she’d resigned herself to never knowing a lover’s touch. An insignificant sacrifice for a life of luxury and security. As secure as she could be in the imperial court. She had buried the yearning and the hope inside until Li Tao had kindled her desire. Suddenly, she wanted it all, the clouds and the rain and the entire universe hidden within the touch of their bodies. Everything the poems and pillow books had spoken of. All the emotions the other girls had whispered about to ea
ch other in the darkness.
This mystery between male and female—there was nothing earth shattering to it. The waiting and wanting were greater than the act itself. Madame Ling had always said as much. Why, then, did she still long for him? She knew about the physical pain that came with the first coupling, but she hadn’t expected the feel of Li Tao inside her to reach so deep it made her heart ache. He had pierced through the loneliness she had hidden away for so long.
Outside, the corridor was empty and she stared down the shadowed passage, waiting. She didn’t want to face Li Tao when her emotions were scattered within her. The mystery was done with. She could go on with her life.
With every step, the dull ache between her legs reminded her of Li Tao’s uninhibited lovemaking. He had not been gentle with her, but his rough caresses had been far from unwelcome. The shock of his entry had filled her with fear, joy and an unanswered promise. The intrusion was almost unbearable, overwhelming her with sensation. The only part she regretted was the deception. Li Tao hadn’t been able to stand the sight of her when he stormed out.
The garden was unlit except for a single lantern at the entrance. A wave of desolation swept in. She couldn’t bear to stay another moment. The guards shouted, but she ignored them. She slipped out to the back of the house and halted at the edge of the gorge, trapped. The guards clamoured after her.
‘Leave me alone,’ she snapped.
In the night, the chasm spread out like a gaping abyss. The chilled breeze tugged at the edges of her dress and stung across her face. When she left the bamboo forest, there was nothing waiting for her but solitude, a string of silent days.
For once, she let the tears fall. They slid down her cheeks and blurred the night around her. Li Tao had awakened a longing within her that went beyond physical desire. She had been bought and traded all her life. She had thought it would be enough to return to her river, to belong to herself and no one else. To be safe. But it wasn’t enough any more. Maybe it had never been enough.
