Into The Clear Water

by Celeste, B.

  There’s no reason to cry over Easton.

  After all, we were just fucking.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Seeing Mable tending to her plants when I walk into her room makes me smile. The window is covered in them, even more than the last time I was here to see her. The nurse working the floor today said gardening keeps her calm, so they kept getting her more.

  “Piper,” Mable greets when she turns and sees me, setting the green watering pot down and walking over to give me a hug. “How are you, dear?”

  I loosen the grip on her that I want nothing more than to keep, knowing her warmth is the only thing that can make me feel better. It’s been days since my non-date with Carter and the tense conversation with Easton following it. He hasn’t been home since, though he told me via a single text that he was staying with Jay.

  With Jay. That was all his text said when I asked if he was okay because he hadn’t been home. I was worried, but he must not have noticed or just didn’t care. My guess was the latter. It was Jenna who noticed the sign on The Inked Lotus door saying they were closed for a convention until Monday.

  I didn’t expect Easton to tell me everything, but it would have been nice to hear it from him instead. Then again, he didn’t owe me anything. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him where he was when it wasn’t really any of my business.

  “I’m okay,” I lie through a smile.

  She pats my arms, not seeming to know the difference. I follow her over to her plants. Her fingers brush the leaves as she picks up her watering can and moves onto the ones in the back.

  “Have any wild parties without me?” I tease, leaning against the wall and watching her.

  She turns and blinks at me. “Oh, I’m too old for that.” When she resumes her task, I find myself frowning. Mable would always joke about seeing a different man every week and doing shots with male strippers she hired. Was any of it true? No. But that was Mable. Was. I guess that’s the keyword.

  Swallowing, I force a smile. “I went on a date the other day.” The words are out of my mouth before I can process them. “Well, it was more like two old friends catching up. But it was nice. I had fun.”

  I’m not sure why I’m telling her. Jenna got every detail from me over wine and pizza the following night. I excluded anything about Easton, though his absence isn’t lost on her. She was happy for me when I admitted I enjoyed the night with Carter. The conversation between us over dinner and drinks wasn’t forced, even if it got tense at some points, and Carter and I teased easily and without care. We’d bring up school, teaching, my future plans. Carter Ford was interested in me. And that made me interested in him. Teenage me was screaming with joy internally.

  “That’s nice, dear.” She sounds absent, but her early signs of an episode aren’t there. I manage to push past it, nodding.

  “It was with Carter Ford.”

  Her eyes drift to meet mine, a genuine Mable smile stretched on her face. “He’s such a nice boy.”

  “He is.”

  “Did you have fun?”

  I pause, then say, “I did. Thank you.”

  Her head moves up and down. “He’s such a nice boy. Not as nice as my boy. Danny was such a good boy. Wasn’t he?”

  Struggling to swallow, I bob my head. “I don’t know anybody who would say otherwise, Mable.”

  She wags her finger at me. “You two would have made a great couple. Two good people together. Never understood why he chose the other one.”

  My shoulders tighten. Mable loved Willow. She said she was the next best baker next to herself. And I agreed. Willow could make anything in the kitchen. Danny used to love it when his wife and grandmother would spend time together. And they’d spend hours baking cookies for the entire neighborhood.

  They were both good people.

  “Because they were in love,” I whisper, more to myself than Mable. Breathing in slowly, I wet my bottom lip. “Danny loved Willow so much, Mable. She was a great woman. Better than me.”

  The truth in those words doesn’t hurt me but breaks past a wall I built. I was always comparing myself to Willow trying to figure out why he chose her instead of me. They’d known each other for a short amount of time compared to how long I knew him. But every time I thought about those reasons, envy grew thicker. Willow never envied anybody. She never complained. I can honestly admit now that she was better than most people I know.

  “No, no,” the sweet old woman disagrees.

  I have no energy to fight. “I see you have more plants. Glenda out front said they might have one more for you.”

  Her eyes brighten. “Oh, I love my plants. They keep these old hands busy. Mind, too. I know what they say about me.”

  My brows quirk. “What do they say?”

  She taps her head. “Not all the tools are in the shed, if you know what I mean. Meredith always talks about me with the other gossips. Jokes on her, Piper. I happen to know she’s got an STD from sleeping with Harold. He gets around here.”

  Eyes bulging, I can’t help but laugh until tears sting my eyes. For a moment I thought I was going to lose Mable to another episode. But here she is, talking like she always used to. I cling to that for when she slips.

  I know it’ll happen.

  “Hey, Mable?”

  “Hmm?”

  I hesitate, watching her peel off a dead leaf and examining the other plants. “I loved Danny very much. I thought he was the one for me. I wanted him to be.”

  She doesn’t say anything.

  “But he wasn’t.” It’s a reluctant admission, one that will always sting like any long-lasting first love is.

  Finally, Mable turns. “I know, dear.”

  We just stare at each other.

  “Harold has a grandson, you know.”

  My head tilts. “Does he have STDs too?”

  She shrugs.

  I grin. “I think I’m good.”

  My thoughts drift to Carter.

  I’m not sure why.

  It’s already getting dark by the time tutoring ends. The weather forecast calls for rain on top of this unusually nice weather that makes winter feel more like spring. But I know it’ll turn back into ice and snow, so I don’t get my hopes up that the season is ending early.

  I’m walking toward the commuter lot when I see Carter waving in my direction and calling out my name. Smiling tiredly, I meet him halfway up the path and bury my hands in my jacket pockets. “Hi, Professor Ford.”

  He eyes me but doesn’t correct the name. I told him at dinner I felt weird calling him Carter on campus. It slips out of familiarity more than I like, but I always hound myself silently for it after. “Piper. I’m glad I caught you. I was— Are you okay? You look a little pale.”

  There’s a headache pounding in my temples that’s overheating my body and making me nauseous, but I smile. “I’m fine. I just have a little headache. Anyway, what’s up?”

  He studies me for a moment. “I was wondering if you had time tomorrow to help me grade assignments. I have a few meetings between classes, but I’m free around four.”

  Nibbling my lip, I give him an unsure look while I contemplate Ainsley. I’ve been asking a lot of Jenna and my parents over the past couple of months. They always happily help me, Jenna especially. She spoils Ainsley rotten even though she’s always said she’s never been a fan of kids. “How long do you think it’d take? I can definitely help, I’ll just pick some up and grade them at home.”

  “Some of them I’d like to look at together.” He shifts his messenger bag over his shoulder and puts a hand in his pants pocket. “I know you’re busy, so we can figure something out. If not this week, maybe on Monday.”

  “What about Saturday?” I surprise myself by those words, making myself wince a little and try covering it. “I mean, if you want. We both go to the Rec Center anyway, and there’s a play area for kids while parents go to programs. Not that I expect you to drop your weekend plans to do work. That’s unfair and probably stupid of me to even
say. So—”

  “Saturday works for me,” he cuts me off, fighting a smile. The corners of his lips twitch upward but neutralize. “What time were you thinking? We could work in the afternoon, maybe grab some food.”

  My teeth dig into my bottom lip. “I’ll have Ainsley, so…”

  “She could come,” he offers. His head tilts slightly when he sees the uncertainty lingering in my eyes. “Or not. I don’t want to make you or her uncomfortable. I just figured it’d make things easier on you. Work, food.”

  “It’s not…” I hesitate, trying to gather my thoughts for a moment. “It doesn’t make me uncomfortable. I just don’t know what the right protocol is for bringing people into her life.”

  I think about Easton. I was desperate to get a roommate and went through enough of a screening process to know he wouldn’t murder us, but I still brought a total stranger in our home to live. And while it worked out in some ways, the tension lingers in every room. Easton and Ainsley get along, they like each other. But I don’t know what she’d think of Carter, or what she’d even assume was going on if I introduced them.

  “Hey, don’t worry about it.” He must take my silence as something different. “I’m not offended, honest. We can think of another plan. You have somebody else you need to take into consideration. I get it.”

  My shoulders ease a centimeter over as I mull over something in curiosity. “Why don’t you? Have somebody else to consider, I mean.”

  His eyebrows go up a fraction.

  I blush. “It’s none of my business, but you’re…” How do I put this nicely?

  “Old?” he guesses.

  I roll my eyes. “Older than me. Most guys your age I know have wives and kids. It’s not for everybody, so I get it if that’s why. I’m just curious because you used to tell Jesse you wanted that someday.”

  He rubs his jaw with his palm. “You remember that, huh?”

  “I remember a lot of things.”

  His grin reappears.

  Sighing, I give him a knowing look. “You don’t have to pretend like it wasn’t obvious I didn’t like you. Of course I was going to remember what you said, especially about having a family. It was stupid.”

  “Liking me was stupid?”

  My eyes narrow thoughtfully in consideration even though I knew it wasn’t. “No. It wasn’t liking you that was stupid. It was thinking that I had a chance when you’re thirteen years older. I was young and dumb. Naïve.”

  He wants to say something, I can tell. But whatever it is doesn’t pass his lips. “The reason I don’t have that with somebody is because I haven’t found the right person for the job. I’m working on that though.”

  Lips parting, I stare at him before collecting myself and nodding slowly. “Yeah. Well … that makes sense.”

  His lips spread into a higher curve as he glances down at the ground. “For what it’s worth, I think things happen for a reason. I don’t think it was dumb or naïve of you to like somebody older. It’s natural. I was always around.”

  I want nothing more than to end this conversation. The last thing I want to talk to my professor-slash-old family friend about is my pre-teen crush on him before moving onto to the man who really tore me apart. I can really choose them.

  He clears his throat and steps back, his eyes flashing with something I can’t quite make out. “And you know what? Life is full of chances, Piper. You never know what will happen.”

  I blink.

  And blink again.

  Before I can really process what he says, Carter is already gone.

  Lips parting, I let out a breath.

  My alarm goes off. I need to get Ainsley.

  Chapter Nineteen

  A spoon hangs from Jenna’s mouth as she grips her favorite hazelnut spread in her palm and dangles her feet off the island countertop. “Tell me exactly what he said again.”

  Rolling my eyes, I stop the working pizza dough I’m flattening onto the pan. “I already did. Five times. I’m not about to make it six.”

  She drops her head back and dips her spoon into the jar. “You’re no fun, Piper. I just want to see you get all flushed and girly when you tell me. There’s a look in your eyes.”

  I scoff and reach for the tomato sauce. “I don’t have a look. You’re just crazy.” Eyeing the half-empty jar in her hands, I narrow my gaze at her before reaching for the shredded cheese on the counter. “Are you going to save room for dinner or keep eating that? Who even travels with hazelnut spread?”

  She holds it closer to her. “I do, bitch. Don’t judge me. I mean, who travels with a book? You don’t go anywhere without one in your bag.”

  I blink. “A lot of people do.”

  “Well I’m sure people carry hazelnut spread,” she counters in a huff, though we both know they don’t. “Remember that one chick from freshman year?”

  I bite back a smile. “Oh, sure. That one chick. Among the three thousand that attended with us. I definitely remember her.”

  If she had something to throw at me right now, I know she would. “Ugh, you suck. I’m talking about the one who used to carry honey mustard with her everywhere. Like there’d be a need for it.”

  Scrunching my nose, I try recalling the person she’s talking about. It sounds like someone worth remembering. “I have no idea who you’re talking about. But that is a little weird,” I admit openly.

  “A little? Honey mustard, Piper!”

  “Hazelnut spread, Jenna,” I deadpan.

  She hops off the counter. “Can we talk about you and your sexy professor again? Are you going to sleep with him?”

  I drop the bag of cheese onto the counter and watch shreds of it go everywhere. Cursing, I brush it into a pile. “Why would you even ask me that? No. We’re not like that.”

  She helps me clean up the mess. “But you want to. You have to admit that.”

  “I don’t have to do anything.”

  She grabs my hand to stop me. “As your best friend, I need to inform you that I’m concerned. I love you. It’s because I love you that I feel the need to voice said concerns.”

  “Concerns?”

  She turns me to face her. “You don’t want to ask for help. You’ve always been like that. I get you have Ainsley to look after, but you can ask me for help, and I’ll come whenever you need. Like when a hot, grown ass man wants to hang out with you.”

  “To work—”

  “He says it’s work.” Her brows arch. “I want you to ask me to watch Ainsley so you can give yourself a chance.”

  I click my tongue. “I’m not seeing where you’re concerned.”

  Her hold tightens, the expression on her face suddenly serious. “I’m concerned for your vagina.”

  Yanking my hands away, I shake my head and focus back on the pizza. “You’re too much, Jen. And stop being worried about that part of me.”

  I feel her burning gaze on me. “You haven’t been sleeping with Easton. Don’t tell me I’m wrong because I know he hasn’t been here in the house or the town. And your mood is always better when you get a little something after hours.”

  I say nothing.

  “Ask me to watch Ainsley.”

  “I’m not sleeping with Carter,” I whisper hiss, knowing that Ainsley is watching television in the other room. “And keep your voice down. I don’t need her hearing you.”

  Her hands go up in mock surrender. “So, you’re not going to sleep with him. Not now. But you might down the line if you two progress to that point. And— Don’t give me that look, Piper! There’s nothing wrong with you trying to have somebody in your life. Don’t make excuses as to why you can’t be happy.”

  I sigh. “I am happy, Jenna.”

  “But Carter could make you happier…”

  Once again, I’m silent.

  “Please?”

  “It’s complicated with us,” I reason. She knows he’s my professor and it doesn’t seem to deter her. She likes that he gave me a chance to assist him, and even more that we knew
each other when I was younger. In her mind, we make sense. In mine? “We’d be a mess.”

  “You don’t know that.” Then. “Ask me, Piper.”

  “No.”

  “I’ll watch Ainsley.”

  I glare. She smiles. Shaking my head, I finish the pizza and put it into the oven without looking at her. I know she’s watching me because the back of my head burns. She’ll do this all night unless I tell her to stop. Even then, she’ll find other ways to annoy me.

  Turning, I grip the edge of the counter and look at her puppy-dog eyes. “Why do you want me to go out with him so bad? There’s a lot against us, you know.”

  “You’re my friend,” is her reply, her shoulders shrugging. “I want to see you happy. If things with East aren’t going to progress as more than casual sex, you should at least try with Carter. He knows you, your past, and might be able to help with the Danny thing.”

  Jaw ticking, I go back to busying myself by cleaning up my dirty utensils. “I don’t know what you mean.”

  She helps, saddling up beside me to wet a rag for the counter. “You refuse to let go because it makes you feel something. But don’t you want to feel more than pain? More than loss? What if Carter can give you that, Piper?”

  Can he though? “I just don’t think it’s worth the stress,” I admit quietly, running water for the dishes. “He knows I liked him. Everybody did—”

  “That was then,” she cuts me off. “He said it himself, dude. You have a chance. Anything can happen. You’re both older, consenting adults.”

  “Who have a complicated dynamic.”

  “You’re graduating soon!”

  Narrowing my eyes, I shift to look at her. She means business, staring back at me with her arms crossed over her chest. The rag is left on the countertop, long since forgotten. “Do you think that makes a difference if people find out something happened before then? That’s still a relationship we could both get in trouble for.”

  “Well I don’t think you should wait.”