Into The Clear Water

by Celeste, B.

  Snorting wouldn’t be attractive, but it’s what I want to do. Most days, I barely hold on by a thread. I’m surviving on the extra money from my student loans and the money that Danny left to pay some of my rent. My paychecks from tutoring help me pay some of the smaller bills or groceries, but never both. Substituting made me enough to not have to dip into Danny’s money.

  “It doesn’t feel like it most days.”

  “Trust me, Piper. That’s normal.”

  My head turns to him. “You trying to tell me that you don’t have it together? I’m not sure I buy that, Professor Ford.”

  His chuckle surprises me. “Just because I have a decent job doesn’t mean there aren’t aspects of my life that aren’t askew. Everybody has moments that challenge them. It’s part of life, especially for those just starting out.”

  Why does that bother me so much? He says it like I’m so young—fresh to the real world. But what he doesn’t know about are all the hard times I’ve had. How much I’ve had to work my ass off to make ends meet. I always manage, but barely. My parents would notice my weight loss and conveniently have premade food for me and Ainsley or slip twenty dollars into my purse. They knew I wasn’t eating because I had to make sure Ainsley was.

  “I know,” I reply distantly.

  It’s a few minutes before he speaks up again, his voice softer than before. “My dad asks me when I’m finally going to settle down. He was upset with me for not marrying Elizabeth, but I know he’s also glad I didn’t once I explained she wasn’t it. He loved mom. He understood not wanting to marry somebody I didn’t love.”

  Not sure what to say, I press my lips together and shift slightly toward him to see his eased facial expression as he continues to talk. “I got a dog because the house I own is empty and cold. I needed to fill it with more than just furniture. You know, I thought once I checked things off a list I’d feel complete. Graduate. Get a good job. Do what I love. Buy a house. But none of that was enough for me. I have no social life because I bury myself with work, and the only time I usually get out is to walk Cap.”

  Again, I say nothing.

  “We all have our things,” he concludes, giving me a pointed look. “Nobody has it all together. Believe me.”

  Biting down on the inside of my cheek, I count to three before saying anything. “I use Ainsley as an excuse a lot of times. It annoys my best friend. I think my parents pity me and Jesse doesn’t talk to me enough for me to know what he must think. Sometimes I wonder if I made the right choices in life, like if I’d done something differently, I’d be somewhere else. But I’m not sure I’d want to be.”

  “What would you have done differently?”

  I shrug. “Anything. Like gone to a different college or gone out more. Dated. Made other friends. There are so many things I could have done and I’m pretty sure it would have impacted where I am now. But despite all the times I struggle, I don’t think I’d change it even if I could. I mean, I have the smartest, sweetest, kindest little girl. I’m lucky.”

  He smiles. “I’m glad.”

  I nod. “Me too.”

  The rest of the drive is peacefully quiet as we listen to tunes. He sings along to himself, and I smile as I look out the window and listen to him. He’s different, less guarded, when he’s not on campus. There’s always something holding him back when we’re there. A barrier.

  His job.

  My position.

  It isn’t until we’re seated in a booth in the cute log cabin-like establishment with our drink and food order in that I look at him with curiosity. “Doesn’t this feel wrong to you?”

  His eyes widen a fraction. “Wrong?”

  “I can see it in the way you compose yourself now compared to on campus.” I lean back, playing with my straw wrapper to busy my hands. “Your walls are up. You’re cautious there. Like if somebody sees us talking it’ll be bad. But it still doesn’t stop you from being there for me. It just made me wonder what you thought about it. You know, who we are to each other.”

  “We’re friends. Old friends.”

  I shake my head, brushing hair behind my ear and choosing my words carefully. “You’re my brother’s friend. You were Danny’s. I was the tagalong who you guys never wanted around.”

  “That’s not true.”

  I give him a knowing look.

  “That’s not entirely true,” he amends apologetically. “I don’t think this is wrong, Piper. Do I think it’s fine? That we’re not potentially crossing some lines we shouldn’t? No. Part of me has to be cautious because of the delicate situation. But it doesn’t feel wrong.”

  His honesty is appreciated.

  “You’re going to gradate soon. If this is something you want to continue pursuing, if you decide to give me a shot, then we’ll discuss it when the time comes.” He leans forward, his forearms resting on the edge of the table. “But that doesn’t have to be a decision we make now, tomorrow, or next week. We’ll do what we always do. Go to school. Work. Be part of the environment we’re placed in and see where it takes us. Sound good?”

  I blink. I’m not used to guys being so forward. He isn’t pushing anything on me, not even expectations. In fact, he doesn’t seem to hold onto anything that would indicate this could work. “Do you think it’ll work out for us?”

  “I know that I like you,” he answers without a moment’s hesitation. “I admire you and your strength. You love with everything inside of you and are willing to sacrifice yourself for Ainsley. Anybody would stupid not to want to make things work.”

  His words make me think of Easton, which makes the water I sip hard to swallow. Guilt rises in my chest and seeps into my conscience, but I keep brushing it away.

  “What is it?” he asks.

  Shaking my head, I keep a hold of the water glass. The condensation pools on my hand as my grip loosens. “I was just thinking about something … somebody.”

  “Danny?”

  I don’t answer.

  He nods once. “Not Danny.” There’s no sadness in his tone. No accusation. He just states what he knows. “Want to talk about it?”

  The last thing I want to talk to Carter about is my prior sleeping arrangements with my roommate. “Not really. I just had something with somebody for a while and it ended.”

  “Exes can be tough to let go of,” is his response. I’m not sure how to take it. I’m glad he’s not upset that I brought it up or even had the thought. But shouldn’t he be?

  My cheeks heat. “I’m not sure I can consider him an ex, but you’re right. Anyway, I was just thinking about how I never really dated. This is sort of it for me, which is embarrassing. I don’t have much of a social life either.”

  “Do you regret that at all?”

  “No.” I rub my lips together. “It’d make things like this easier. Knowing what to expect. Then I wouldn’t feel like I’m about to say or do the wrong thing. There’s a lot I could mess up here, and I’m just worried you’ll…”

  That causes his brows to furrow. “You’re worried that I’ll what?”

  I look at the table. “You’re older than me with more life experience. You have a great job and a house and … I don’t know. I guess I’m just thinking about all the stuff I’ve done and what I’ll have to do and wonder if that’ll be enough.”

  “You’re too hard on yourself.”

  Maybe. Maybe not. “Why me? You said it’s because you admire me, but I’m nothing special. In fact, I’m a mess like most of the human population.”

  He studies me for a long moment, making it hard to keep eye contact. I want to break it and look anywhere but those brown eyes, but I don’t. I can’t. “You have a story to tell. One I want to hear. I just want to get to know you, Piper. It doesn’t have to be anything more than that and the reasons I mentioned before.”

  It just seems like it’s not enough. Why does anybody choose to pursue other people? Attraction? Common interests? Carter and I both love history and teaching it. We have a past. Similar friends. Mutu
al acquaintances. I think about Danny and try remembering all the reasons I clung on to him.

  He was kind. He made me smile. He got me to laugh when I wanted to cry or hit something if I was in a bad mood. He always knew how to fix it and make me feel better. I liked Danny because he was a good person.

  So, maybe it wasn’t that complicated.

  I’m not a bad person.

  I deserve this.

  We’re laughing so hard my sides hurt, but it doesn’t stop us from cracking more jokes at my brother’s expense. I’m pretty sure Jesse would be pissed if he knew Carter was divulging some of his past failures with women. I, however, am living for it.

  “…then she dumped her drink on him and walked out with all her friends.” His eyes are as watery as mine. I swipe away a tear and reach for my water, taking a sip to calm down.

  “I can’t believe he had that many fails with women,” I muse, shaking my head. “He always used to brag about what a lady’s man he was, you know? I’m glad some women were smart enough not to fall for it.”

  Carter’s shoulders shake with laughter. “I used to be amazed at how hard he tried. Do you know about the day he met his wife?” I shake my head, enthralled by where this could go. He sets his own glass down. “We were at a pool hall catching up. It’d been a while since we’d hung out, so he reached out asking if I wanted to play a game and grab some drinks. Ren worked as a bartender and I swear, Piper, as soon as your brother saw her that was it. His eyes stayed on her all night even when he pretended that he wasn’t interested. I kept telling him to go talk to her, gave him money to buy us more beer, anything to get the guy to say something instead of staring like a creep.

  “He went up after cursing me out and waited to get her attention. I wondered if he was going to give her some cheesy ass pickup line or do something else. You know what he did? He passed her the money, ordered another pitcher of beer, and brought the drinks back to where we were sitting. That’s it.”

  I blink. How … anticlimactic. “Are you saying he did absolutely nothing?”

  He nods once. “Not a damn thing. That’s when I knew he was a goner. He loved women.” I make a face at that. “Sorry, but it’s true. When he didn’t make a move to try getting her number, I knew there was more to it. We didn’t drink much that night, but any time we ordered something, he’d go up and get it. They’d have a quick exchange, watch each other, but do nothing else. Their eyes, though … that was where you could see it.”

  “See what?” I’m enamored by this side of my brother I didn’t know. Granted, there weren’t many sides of him I knew well, but the soft one? The one in love?

  “They were both gone.” I swear my heart swooned over that. And knowing Carter and his genuine nature, I know he isn’t playing up a story to get me all doe eyed. If he says it happened like that, it happened. “We went back to that same place so many times and I’d have to watch the same thing. A whole lot of nothing. Then one day he was getting flustered when a guy was hitting on her and he got up to leave. Ren called after him, stopping him before he could go. She asked where he was going and said he couldn’t leave.”

  I blink. “What? Why?”

  His lips lift slightly. “I believe her exact words were ‘you haven’t asked me out yet, asshole. Do it before somebody else does.’” His head shakes with an amused laugh.

  “That sounds like Ren,” I confirm.

  “Yep.”

  “Wow.” I didn’t realize how much I’d love that story. It’s not what I’d expected to hear knowing the player Jesse used to be. Yet, it gives me hope that anything can happen. Why would I need that reassurance when I’m on a date with a great guy—a guy I used to crush on. I’ve dreamt of having this kind of one on one time with him before. Now? It just feels … natural. Normal. Like there’s nothing surreal about us coming full circle or reacquainting.

  It’s nuts to me. “If I hadn’t moved, we wouldn’t have seen each other again,” I murmur, almost to myself in realization. My eyes pivot to his. “That’s sort of weird to think about.”

  “I’m sure we would have crossed paths eventually. I know Jesse, your family,” he points out evenly.

  “Do you really believe that?” In all these years, we haven’t crossed paths once. I’d hear about him occasionally from somebody, but it was rare. And, in all honesty, I tended to tune out the conversation if the topic drifted in his direction. I was bitter.

  “I believe things happen when they’re meant to, yes. Maybe we wouldn’t have crossed paths right away, but eventually.” He says it so calmly, so sure, that I can do nothing but study him. His eyes are light, content, and his almost-empty glass in front of him has his loose hand wrapped around it without tension. He really does mean that.

  “Huh.” It’s all I can muster.

  “Think about it,” he says. “We all do things that lead us to one point or another. I had job offers at a few other colleges. One out of state I considered taking because of the pay. But I chose Linwood. I live here. You made decisions that led you to Aberdeen and I think that means something.”

  I want to tell him that it means I couldn’t find a cheaper place, but I refrain. “I never took you as a fate kind of guy, Carter.”

  His lips quirk up. “I guess I need to do better at opening up, so you get to know me then. How about we go somewhere else? Talk?”

  “Aren’t we talking now?”

  “Want to see where Jesse and Ren met?”

  My chest tingles over the idea, and it’s hard not to smile as soon as the offer is out in the open. Of course, I want to see where they met. After that story, how can I not?

  “Isn’t it too early to drink?” It’s not even four o’clock yet.

  “But it’s not too early for pool.”

  I lick my lips. “Okay.”

  I realize after following him out of the restaurant once he pays that I like this. Getting out. Talking to Carter. Having a life. I can picture doing it more often; smiling, laughing, feeling lighter than normal.

  When Carter looks at me, it’s like he knows what I’m thinking. He reaches over and holds my hand, folding our fingers together the whole way to our next destination.

  My smile grows bigger.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Mom helps me set the table that we never typically use while I pull the vegetable lasagna out of the oven. Ainsley is in the living room with Dad playing Barbie’s together. She always gets people wrapped around her finger, but him especially.

  “That smells good.” Mom comes up beside me, examining the bubbling cheese. “It looks like it’s done. Did you make something different for your father? You know how he is.”

  Rolling my eyes, I point toward another dish on the top rack of the oven. “I made macaroni and cheese with hamburger in it. Ainsley likes that too thanks to him.” Scrunching my nose over the combination, I check their food. “Don’t get me started on her ketchup obsession. I’m pretty sure I have Jesse to blame for that.”

  Jesse and Ainsley haven’t had many interactions. The first time they met, she was young. I used to think too young to remember anything about him. But Danny, Willow, Ainsley, Jesse, and me had gone out for breakfast one day just before she’d turned three, and Jesse put ketchup over the scrambled eggs he ordered. He puts the stuff on everything, just like her. That morning, she’d asked him for some and the look on her face when she puckered from the sweet taste didn’t stop her from eating half of what was on his plate.

  She’s been obsessed since.

  Mom smiles at that. “He should be here soon. Ren had to work, but I know he’s looking forward to seeing you.”

  Somehow, I doubt that. “That’s a shame Ren won’t be here.” Jesse texted me this morning asking if he should bring anything. He said nothing about Ren. When was the last time I saw her? I’m not even sure.

  I think about what Carter told me a while ago. Are Jesse and Ren still trying to have kids? Have they been fighting? Ren seems to work every time I try making plans, and
I’ve never taken it personally until now. Maybe she doesn’t want to be around me and Ainsley.

  “When is your roommate coming home?”

  I push the thought away and turn to my mother. She’s patiently waiting for an answer, seemingly not knowing the thought that crossed my mind before then. “Soon. He was just out running errands with his friend.”

  There’s a knock at the door. Knowing it wouldn’t be Easton, I head out and smile at Ainsley and Dad on the couch. Dad’s holding a teddy bear in one hand and a doll in the other, seemingly letting them converse. Shaking my head, I open the door and find my brother staring back at me with wine in his hand.

  “I told you not to bring anything,” I tell him, accepting the bottle he holds out. It would go well with the dish I made. Maybe not the macaroni and cheese, but it’s not like Dad is a wine drinker anyway. Stepping aside, he passes me and greets Dad and Ainsley. “So, Ren couldn’t make it?”

  Jesse pulls off his sweatshirt and drapes it across the armchair. “Yeah, her parents are in town, so she wanted to see them.” It comes off his tongue so easily, I can’t help but blink in confusion at him.

  I notice Mom from the corner of my eye, her expression sympathetic toward me. The lie is out there for me to dissect, but I choose not to call either of them out on it. Instead, it simmers silently while we proceed with the greetings. Ainsley reaches out and high fives Jesse when he offers her his palm. He and Dad catch up for a bit while I walk into the kitchen and check on the last dish.

  Mom doesn’t say anything.

  I don’t either.

  With perfect timing, the front door opens with rattling keys. Talking pauses for a moment from the boys before they greet East. My family has met my roommate a few times. They all like him, Jesse and him always find things to talk about, Mom ogles him, and Dad is usually too busy fussing with Ainsley to pay him much attention.

  About fifteen minutes later, we’re all surrounding the table together with steaming food in front of us. Easton watches Dad fill Ainsley’s plate, then notes the eagerness of Ainsley when she grabs the ketchup placed next to her and covers her plate with it. I press my lips together when he glances between her and me, not really disgusted by the addition to her food, but not impressed either.