Into The Clear Water

by Celeste, B.

  Jesse, sitting next to Ainsley, nudges her arm with a smile. “Want more macaroni with your ketchup, kid?”

  Her eyes brighten when he talks to her, and I suppress a giggle. She’s crushing on him, that much is obvious. When he takes the ketchup from her and caps the lid, he winks and takes a forkful of food from her plate, causing her smile to widen at him.

  Easton chuckles to himself, pulling my gaze between Ainsley and my brother to him. He notices where Ainsley’s attention is too as she stays saddled to Jesse’s side. I know the age is full of innocent crushes. I held quite a few with random people then too, and it only grew as I got older. When my roommate sees my plate still empty, he reaches for the veggie lasagna and grabs my plate to fill it.

  “Thanks.”

  Mom watches us as I accept the plate, her eyes twinkling as she smiles to herself. I’m not sure what she’s thinking, so I just focus on eating while everybody else talks about random things—jobs, weather, life.

  Jesse says, “Carter mentioned you’re almost done with your semester. Said you’re doing well with teaching his class.”

  For some reason, heat creeps up into my cheeks as I nod. I know everyone is watching. Well, everybody but Ainsley. She’s poking macaroni with her fork and eating happily while people wait for my response. “It’s been great teaching the course. I’m lucky he was there to help me when things didn’t work out at my last placement.”

  Easton’s gaze especially burns from his close proximity, but I brush it off. It’s Mom who decides to speak. “He’s always been a good man. I wondered what he’s been up to since he moved. I still see his father mowing the yard once in a while. He always says hi. Nice people.”

  I nod in agreement, not saying anything.

  Dad picks at his plate. “He should stop by the house when he’s in town. Don’t know if he visits his father or not, but I hear they talk occasionally.”

  “I’m sure he’d like that,” is all I offer. He told me not long ago he speaks to his father on the phone at least twice a month. Sometimes they’ll go out to eat, but I don’t know if he goes back to his childhood home.

  Jesse leans back. “Considering teaching at college like him? I can picture it. Carter always wanted to be a professor. Talked about it ever since we were younger. But you’d make a good one too, Pipe.”

  My brows raise. He thinks so? “Thanks, Jesse. I’m not sure what I’ll do, just that I’ll teach.” Going on to get my PhD didn’t seem logical. I loved being in front of Carter’s class, but I also loved being in front of the high school one too. Plus, that’s more debt on my shoulders for after I graduate.

  “He could help you,” my brother replies causally.

  I wet my lips when I see the way East’s jaw ticks. He doesn’t say a word, but I know he’s connected the dots. I’ve mentioned Carter’s name before in passing conversation—I’ve been on more dates with Carter and East has asked about them out of consideration. There’s distance though. The last time he asked, he didn’t really want to know.

  Jesse doesn’t know about Carter and me, I can tell. I would have heard about it by now. Gotten the stares. Asked the questions. My family wouldn’t just sit here without grilling me about the guy they all knew I had a thing for. “He’s offered to help me figure things out since he knows the process.” Not wanting to dwell on the topic, I turn to Ainsley. “How’s dinner, Nugget?”

  She smiles and signs, Good.

  I tweak her nose and watch her go back to her food while my parents talk about Carter’s father. I participate once in a while whenever they ask something about school or graduation. I’m not attending the ceremony, which even Easton seems surprised by. Mom tells me I need to since I skipped my undergrad graduation too, but I don’t want to bother.

  What I want is to go out to eat with people I care about, maybe plan a trip somewhere for a day or two. I want to enjoy my life and do it in ways that don’t hold me back. No barriers. No guilt. I look at Ainsley, and picture us in a car with the windows down and the radio up.

  I see her talking.

  Laughing.

  It makes my smile falter for a moment.

  “Piper?” It’s Easton who speaks.

  I blink a few times before turning to him, lips twitching downward. He studies me, brows furrowed as he looks over my expression. What does he see? I’m not sure I want to know.

  He quietly asks, “You good?”

  Once again, Mom stares at me from across the table. I feel her gaze on me and I don’t analyze it. There have been plenty of times in the past when she’s asked about guys. She told me to date, to put myself out there when Danny did. I never listened, never told her I did. Sometimes I wonder if she was upset that I never tried harder.

  But I’m trying now.

  “I’m good,” I assure him.

  I don’t think he buys it, but I can’t tell. We stay up and talk some nights, catching up on our days. He brought Jay over one time for dinner, but Ainsley didn’t take well to him even though he was no harm to her. She hid behind me or Easton, and Jay always stared at the three of us like he was amused by what he saw.

  Easton and I are friends.

  We’re roommates.

  We’re…

  “…what do you say, Piper?” Dad asks.

  I shift my weight in the chair. “Sorry. What did you say?”

  Jesse rolls his eyes. “He asked if you’d be interested in us all going out. I’m sure Ren would love going to The Grove.”

  Would she though? My eyes must reflect my doubt, because he doesn’t keep eye contact with me. I know then his wife is upset. Maybe not with me, but the situation. I’m not angry over it. I’m not guilty over her pain.

  But I do feel bad.

  Easton’s arm brushes mine.

  In comfort, I realize.

  “Sure,” I answer softly. “I’d like that.”

  I’m sitting on the kitchen counter with a bowl of ice cream when Easton walks into the kitchen in his usual black sweatpants. Shirtless with wet hair like he just took a shower, he walks over to the fridge and grabs a bottle of water. He leans his back on the doors of it, seemingly not caring about the various magnets and clips that hold drawings and bills up.

  “Chocolate chip cookie dough?” he guesses, examining the bowl. It’s my usual choice, though sometimes I’ll sneak a pint of the peanut butter kind that he loves.

  I nod, spooning some of it out. “Felt like an ice cream kind of night.” My family left hours ago after making plans for a celebratory graduation dinner in the coming months. I’d gotten Ainsley ready for bed and watched a few episodes of some random cartoon with her before tucking her in and sneaking down here.

  He pushes off the fridge and grabs a spoon from the drainer, walking over and dipping it into my bowl. “Stress eating?”

  Rubbing my lips together, I shrug. “I don’t know. I haven’t been that stressed lately. Things have been … good. But seeing Jesse and hearing them cover up why his wife wasn’t here was hard.”

  He quirks a brow. “Why do you think she wasn’t here?”

  I pause, looking down at the ice cream I’m swirling into soup. “I think it has to do with Ainsley. They love her, but I found out from somebody that they’re trying to have kids. It’s not working.”

  His lips twitch. “Somebody close to the family?” he surmises in a murmured response. He pulls his spoon away and tosses it into the sink like it’s tainted somehow.

  Eye twitching, I put the bowl down beside me on the counter. “Yeah, it was Carter. They’re still friends.”

  “Friends with your brother.” He huffs out an unamused laugh. “And your teacher. Funny, I don’t remember you mentioning that part.”

  “It didn’t matter.”

  Now he deadpans. “Don’t bullshit me.”

  My lips part. “Look, I’ve known Carter for a long time. He’s a good man.”

  “You hated him when you brought him up over the winter,” he points out doubtfully.

  Th
is conversation is going nowhere. “I said that I did, but I didn’t. I’ve never truly hated anybody in my life. Nobody but myself. If you were in my shoes, you’d feel the same.”

  He mumbles, “Doubtful” under his breath before uncapping his water and taking a swig. He wipes off a droplet from his bottom lip and levels with me. “Does your family know you’re sleeping with him?”

  I… Did he just— “What the hell, Easton?” Eyes widening over the blunt question, I stare at his distant expression. “You have no right asking me that question.”

  “Isn’t that what friends do?”

  “Pry,” I snap.

  “Show concern,” he retorts. His dry demeaner throws me for a loop. Where is the guy who stayed up late with me or worried about Ainsley when she’s sick? It’s not the one glowering in front of me. “I think whatever you’ve got going on with him isn’t worth the risk considering his position.”

  My jaw ticks as I slide off the counter. “It isn’t like he’s using his power over me. We’ve known each other—”

  “Yeah, yeah. For a long time.” He grips the bottle in his hand until it crinkles. “How old is this guy?”

  “Why do you care?”

  “Because, whether you believe it or not, I am your friend. I do care. I’m starting to think a little too fucking much.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “It means…” His jaw ticks before he shakes his head. “I’m going out. Fuck this. Just be careful, Piper. Guess that’s all I’m saying.”

  I glance at the time. “Where are you going? That’s really all you’re going to say to me right now?”

  He turns throwing his hands up. “What more is there to say? You’re with your professor acting like your screwed up past makes everything okay with him. He’s a shoulder to cry on.”

  Hurt laces through my veins. He knows enough about my past to know he shouldn’t have said that. Just like I shouldn’t have said, “And you were just a dick to ride when shit got too tough to handle.”

  His eyes narrow as he backs out. “At least I’m not your professor.”

  Scoffing, I grab my bowl. “Fuck you, Easton. Just … fuck you.”

  He calls out, “Been there, done that. Kind of glad I don’t have to experience that kind of crazy anymore, sweetheart.”

  My heart breaks a little as I listen to him go upstairs and close his door. I remain in the kitchen eyeing my cell phone itching to call Carter knowing his number is in my contacts now. He insisted I could reach out to him whenever I needed.

  Did I need him now?

  I want to call him.

  To tell him to come over.

  But I can’t.

  I think of Ainsley sleeping upstairs, and my roommate who’s loudly sifting through his dresser drawers and close my eyes when I listen to him walk down the stairs and slam the front door closed behind him.

  I don’t need Carter.

  I don’t need Easton.

  I just need … peace.

  Rinsing my bowl out in the sink, I grab my cell and power it off for the night while I think about East’s harsh words. They penetrate my chest in ways I can’t ignore. If he says he cares and means it, he shouldn’t have walked out.

  I refuse to even wonder if he’s right.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  There’s a comfortable silence in Carter’s office as we grade papers across from each other. The stack is almost finished, which means we’re close to being done for the night. As soon as the final paper is marked and set off to the side, we shift roles. It’s always a silent transition, but one that seems easy to make.

  Tonight is different though. I picked up soup and sandwiches from my favorite café on campus and brought them for dinner. We ate with basic conversation about our days, about homework, about the class we co-teach. He tells me about the following week when my advisor will be observing me taking charge of the classroom. I’ll be recorded, assessed, and updated on my progress leading up to the final stretch of my degree.

  “You’re quiet,” he notes softly, pushing the paper away from him. I lift my eyes from my own paper to meet his. “You okay?”

  Ever since my fight with Easton the other night, my mind has wrapped around everything he said. I look at Carter and think about my roommate’s theory. “I got into an argument with my roommate. I’m just thinking about the stuff we both said.”

  Carter leans forward. “Want to talk about it? You know I’m here to listen. And you have my number if you need it.”

  I’ve had his number for weeks, and not once have I used it. Not because I didn’t want to, but because I told myself it’d cross a line. Talking to Carter on campus, making plans with him face to face seems harmless. Innocent. Calling him after dark, desperate for somebody to hear me when I’m at my lowest means something entirely different.

  Playing with the red pen in my hand, I lean back and rub my lips together. “Do you think that this is happening between us because of Danny?”

  Both his brows raise in surprise. “What?”

  I fidget with the sleeve of my shirt. “We’ve been through this before, I know, but part of me worries that maybe what happened in the past is why we’re here.”

  He takes a moment to study me before leaning back in his chair. “Was that part of the argument you had with your roommate?”

  My lips part … but nothing comes out.

  He nods once. “I think that the past plays a part of why we are where we are, but I don’t think it’s the only reason why this has continued.”

  Shoulders easing slightly, I let his answer sink in. It does make me feel a little better, like the self-doubt lingering can’t hurt me anymore over our situation. “My roommate knows a little about my past with Danny, my feelings, and he mentioned that I was clinging to the past using you. Maybe not in so many words, but the insinuation was there.”

  He wets his lips. “He, huh?”

  I swallow. “Easton.”

  His lips turn downward. The way his eyes dull tells me he knows what I’m not saying openly. The truth lingers in the atmosphere between us, thickening the air. “I see.”

  “Things with Easton and I are complicated, and—”

  “Hey,” he cuts me off, smiling. “I’m not judging you, Piper. You’re a grown woman who can make her own choices. What you’ve done is none of my business.”

  My jaw quivers as emotion clings to the inside of my chest, swelling my heart. “Thank you,” I whisper, voice breaking.

  “You don’t have to thank me.” He reaches out and threads our fingers together. “I think Danny is the reason we’re here, but I don’t think it’s a negative reason.”

  “Like we’re supposed to be here?”

  He squeezes my hand. “Why don’t you come to my house tomorrow night? I’ll cook us dinner, you can meet Cap. Bring Ainsley if you’d like. I want to spend time with you, hear you laugh, listen to anything you want to talk about.”

  I blink back tears. “What if I say the wrong things? What will you think about me then?” My mind conjures images of tattooed skin and a brooding smile. I hear the slam of the front door and the look of utter defeat in blue eyes. It makes me frown. “I was sleeping with somebody to alleviate the pain, Carter. How could you not think even a little differently of me for that?”

  “We’re human.” His response is that simple, like it really doesn’t bother him. “You’re forgetting that I’m older than you. And you know what? I love that age isn’t a barrier between us, but you have to remember that you’re not the only one who thought sex was the answer.”

  “You too?”

  He just shrugs.

  “Easton means well,” I theorize. He doesn’t stop me from talking about him, only making my guilt ease that much more until breathing doesn’t hurt so much. “I think we’re friends. But somewhere along the way things got complicated because of…”

  “You and me?”

  I go to tell him no but stop myself. “I’m not sure,” I admit.
And I’m not. I don’t think the thoughts going through Easton’s head are exactly what’s happening between Carter and me. Then again, every time my mind goes to that place, the one full of potential feelings and further complications, I peel myself away from it. From Carter. From Easton.

  “Dinner sounds amazing,” is what I eventually tell him, pulling myself from the rabbit hole that my roommate is at the bottom of.

  He doesn’t mention anything about the change of direction, just smiles. “Great.”

  I think about Ainsley and tell myself she’ll meet him soon. She’ll be able to see what a good man he is, how genuine he is, and how well he treats me.

  But she won’t find that out tomorrow.

  “Great,” I repeat, forcing a smile.

  Jenna stays over at my house while I go out. She gave me a pep-talk, swatted my butt, and left me with a question I couldn’t answer in the moment.

  “Are you going to move forward with your relationship?”

  The way her eyes lit up when I didn’t answer her made it seem like she knew the reason why I hadn’t. And even as life offers me distractions by means of angry drivers and obnoxious hand gestures on the interstate, my thoughts keep circling around her inquiry.

  Carter and I have held hands. He’s kissed me on the cheek when we’re alone. We’ve hugged for many reasons—because of sadness, for comfort, because we could. I like being wrapped in his arms, that’s never been an uncertainty. But our relationship hasn’t progressed because of me. The way his eyes flare when we get close tells me he wants something more when our conversations becomes deeper. About life. Our goals. The past. When we connect, I never let it go farther than it has because of the tug in my chest that I can’t decipher as good or bad. Sometimes, his lips will linger on my cheek and his breath will hitch when I turn my head like we’re finally going to seal what I’ve been too scared of.

  The more I think about it, the more I want to have that connection with Carter Ford. I want to know what his lips feel like against mine, and what he tastes like. I want to feel his skin and absorb his warmth and know what it’s like to be held by him skin to skin. I just want to move on instead of holding back. To try.