Into The Clear Water

by Celeste, B.

  “I’m sorry.” Two little words with such a large meaning are out in the open between us. His eyes dull slightly, but his lips pull up into a knowing smile. I see his hurt, but I see something else too.

  Understanding.

  “You don’t have to apologize,” he tells me simply, reaching out and squeezing my hand. It tugs on my heartstrings but not as much as when he adds, “Make sure he treats you well, Piper. You deserve that even if you think you don’t.”

  I stare without blinking, taking in his acceptance and wondering if he’d always known. He’d had hope, but he wasn’t holding onto it like I’d done for so long. “When you kiss me,” I say in a cautious whisper, “what do you feel?”

  He looks to the hall for a quick moment before leaning forward and brushing his lips against my cheek. “I’m not sure it matters what I feel, Piper. What’s important is what you do, and I’ll never pressure you to pretend that you feel more than you do. I mean it. You deserve to know what happiness feels like.”

  Drawing my bottom lip into my mouth when he pulls away, I feel the ghost touch of his lips on my cheek. “Have you felt that? Happiness?”

  He smiles. “Once upon a time.” But not now. “I want to be clear with you about something. I like spending time with you, hearing your thoughts, and listening to your laugh. I love seeing how much you care about Ainsley, and how you hold onto memories of Danny. I’m happy, Piper, and was happy with you. But I’ll be just fine. Just like you will be.”

  I want to ask him how he knows, how he sounds so sure. I don’t though. Keeping the questions at bay, I give him a terse nod and take a deep breath. We’re not breaking up because we never really dated. He’s right. We had fun together in each other’s company. It was a friendship that got mixed up in the possibility of something more.

  It was just never going to be enough.

  “You’re graduating in a few weeks,” he notes, changing the topic like we’re not just ending something.

  I manage to nod, a little taken aback. “I have a ticket for you. If you want it, of course. My family said they’d love to see you. Jesse will be there…” Rubbing my arm, I curse myself for even bringing it up—the ticket, my family.

  “I’m not going to tell them.”

  My eyes pop up to his.

  He shakes his head. “What happened can stay between us. I’m fine with that. Jesse, your parents, they’ll never know. And as long as you’re comfortable with me going, I’d love to. It’s been great getting to know you, Piper. I have no doubt in my mind you’ll go far.”

  A new kind of emotion takes over, thickening my throat. Gratitude. “In case I’ve never told you, I admire you. You gave me a chance even when I was rude to you. I wouldn’t be graduating if you hadn’t.”

  “You’re a natural teacher.”

  “I had help,” I say, an easy smile finally gracing my lips. “And thank you for…” For what? For understanding? For not telling my family? For keeping us a secret? I settle with, “everything.”

  He pushes himself up and stuffs his hands into his pockets. “I told you I’ve got your back, and I mean it. This doesn’t change anything, Piper. You’re going to graduate and go on to do amazing things, and I’ll be there no matter what form. Friend. Family acquaintance. Former professor.”

  “You’re too nice, Professor Ford.”

  He chuckles at my teasing. It feels good to hear the sound, like I won’t walk out of the room feeling like my body is sinking lower and lower. “I’m just there for people I care about.”

  “I’m sorry I couldn’t have…”

  “Hey,” he breathes the words quietly, “I don’t want you to apologize for being honest with me. That’s all I could ever ask for.”

  I wonder if he’s thinking about his ex-fiancée when his eyes seem to distance themselves like he’s lost in thought. Was their choice to stay together draining? Did he consider that being dishonest?

  “Okay,” I finally say, though there’s caution in my tone like I’m afraid to turn around and leave. I know we’ll both survive, that this isn’t the end of the world. I’ve experienced far worse tragedies than potentially hurting somebody’s feelings.

  But that doesn’t mean I don’t care.

  “Piper,” he says as I walk toward the door. I pause for a moment before turning, brushing hair behind my ear. “Take a deep breath and remember that your past doesn’t define you. You’re meant to live and love. Danny would have wanted that for you. No matter what might have happened between you two.”

  He doesn’t know how much I needed those words. Then again, he’s Carter Ford. Maybe he knew exactly how much I needed to hear them.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I stop by The Inked Lotus with a sleeping Ainsley in the back seat. Evie said she had a rough day and shut down, refusing to sign to anybody. I have yet to get anything out of her about what happened, but I have a feeling it has to do with kids in her class based on the way she kept her eyes down the entire time I walked with her out to the car at pick up.

  We do what Danny always said calmed her down. Drove. Around town, on back roads, everywhere until her head dipped and lids grew heavier. It was ten minutes ago when she fell asleep, dozing off with soft snores. I’m not sure I knew where I was heading until the shop lights lit up the dark night. There’s a parking spot right out front that I instantly take, noticing Jay outside the store smoking. He must notice the vehicle because he puts out the cigarette against the building and then stomps it into the pavement with his shoe before walking over.

  My window rolls down as he approaches it. “I thought that was you, Red.” I quickly press my finger to my lips and gesture toward the back seat where Ainsley is strapped in her booster seat.

  “Hey, Jay.”

  He glances at me, leaning against the sill of the open window. “He’s not in right now. Had errands to run or something.”

  “Oh.” My brows furrow as I find myself nodding. Jay watches me for a moment, something crossing his expression. “Well, I thought I’d just stop by. I haven’t seen him in a while.”

  I doubt he really cares, but he nods like he does. He’s always been nice to me, respectful whenever I see him. He’s a flirt but stopped trying with me a long time ago. “We’ve been pretty swamped here lately. A lot of late nights.”

  He’s covering for his friend. I get it. “You don’t have to lie, Jay. Listen, it was a bad idea to come here. Just forget about even mentioning us dropping by. I don’t know why I thought it was a smart thing to do.”

  “Piper.” It’s the first time he’s ever used my name. It sounds foreign coming from him. “I wasn’t covering for him. Business has picked up, that’s all.”

  But when I catch sight of the blinds moving slightly from the front window, I know who’s watching us. I also know the car peeking out from around the building is the same one that should be “running errands” right now.

  I swallow my pride when Jay notices what caught my attention and clear my throat when he curses. “Like I said, sorry I showed up. I need to get Ainsley home. It was stupid to have come.”

  “Come on, Red—”

  I put my hands up. “You’re being a good friend to him, Jay. He needs that. He and I certainly can’t be, so it’s good he has you.”

  He presses his lips together for a moment, eyes glistening in contemplation. “He needs you too if it makes you feel any better. But you two are the most stubborn a-holes I’ve ever met.”

  Snorting unattractively, I shake my head at the ridiculous sentiment. “He made it clear he doesn’t need me. Look at how many people he sleeps with. It’s not like he even waited before we stopped…” Face flushing, I brush it off. “I’m just tired. Ignore me.”

  “No, wait.” He keeps ahold of the car so I can’t drive away like I’m itching to do. My palm twitches on the gearshift but doesn’t move it into drive. “What do you mean all the people he’s slept with? Trust me, Red, he’s not sleeping with anybody.”

  I blink. �
�What? No, that’s impossible. Even before things got … tense with us, he’d either come home later than normal or not until the next day.”

  He just shakes his head adamantly. “I’m telling you he hasn’t been sleeping with anybody. I’d know. The ass has been cramping my style. There’s a permanent indent in my couch because of him.”

  All I can do is stare.

  Jay’s brows go up. “I swear I’m telling you the truth. The nights he got home later was probably my fault. We all know I like drinking a little too much, and more than that, I like making stupid decisions while I drink. Easton tends to go with me to the bar when he knows I’m in a mood that way I don’t drink and drive or start more fist fights.”

  “More?”

  He winces. “I’m usually a happy drunk, but I have my moments. It doesn’t matter. The guy has been sleeping on my couch for a while. It started after you two got into it about something. He wouldn’t say what and I knew better than to pry. I’m going to be real with you, Red. My friend is screwed up over you.”

  I gape.

  He just nods.

  My shoulders drop. “He acted like…”

  “Like a piece of the male anatomy?” I appreciate that he’s trying to keep it clean in front of Ainsley. “I’m sure. People usually act up when the chicks they’re into seek out other guys.”

  I have nothing to say to that.

  He shrugs casually, like this is just another conversation to him. “You’re his girl. I shouldn’t say that because he’ll kick my you know what, but it’s true. He talks about you all the time, even now. And whatever happened between you two that left him drinking on my couch and making baked goods at three in the morning made me gain about twenty pounds, so thanks for that.”

  Normally, I’d find that funny. My lips refuse to waver with an oncoming smile or any form of amusement though. “He’s really been staying with you?”

  He leans closer. “Do you want to see my dessert collection at home? I can’t have anybody else over in fear that they think I got domesticated or some shi—er, crap. It’s like Betty Crocker threw up all over the place.”

  Just to be sure, I press. “And he’s never slept with anybody?”

  He sighs, wiping a palm down the side of his face. I get it, I’m being annoying with the twenty questions. I just can’t wrap my head around him not sleeping with anybody. I know he has the opportunities to, even witnessed the numbers slipped into his hand or the looks he’d get when we were out shopping. “No. You were the only one, Red. Swear on what little remains of my masculinity.”

  “Baking doesn’t make you less masculine,” I point out.

  “No but smelling like sugar does.”

  I don’t say anything right away. “I never wanted to hurt him, Jay. I never wanted to hurt anyone.”

  “I know you didn’t.”

  My eyes go back to the building, but the blinds never move again. I take a deep breath and look in the rearview at Ainsley. Her chest still rises and falls in a slow rhythm, peaceful in her slumber. “I should really go home. Tell him…” Tell him what? That I’m sorry? “I don’t know. Maybe don’t say anything at all.”

  Amusement lightens his face. “Trust me, the minute I step inside he’ll be hounding me for answers. Even pissed off, he worries about you. Even asks about that one.” He nods his chin toward the back.

  My chest fills. “She asks about him too.”

  That isn’t a lie either.

  The first time she signed “When is Easton coming home?” I felt a deep ping in my heart that radiated pain down my whole body. Then she’d ask again. I could never give her a sure answer. So, I’d lie and tell her soon.

  I just hope that won’t stay a lie for long.

  “Bye, Jay.”

  He pats the car and smiles. “Bye, Red. If you need any more piercings… Well, best go to the brute in there. A-hole wasn’t too happy with me for touching his girl.”

  His girl. The thought covers my skin in goosebumps as I put the car into reverse. He backs away and gives me a wink and a wave, back to his old self. As I back out of the parking spot and pull away from the curb, the front door opens, and I see a familiar face in the rearview mirror.

  He doesn’t wave.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  I know something is wrong when I walk into the school and Principal Harris and Evie are talking together amongst themselves. As soon as I spot Ainsley sitting in Harris’s office, my lips twitch with oncoming anger like the day I left. Once Evie looks up and sees me, she offers a small smile.

  “What’s going on?” I demand, not even trying to be nice. I like Evie, she’s a good person and a great teacher. Without her, I wouldn’t have thought to take sign language or quit here and find something that makes me happier.

  Its Principal Harris who speaks. “We’ve had some complications with some girls in class harassing Ainsley. Ms. Burke brought it to my attention and we’re handling it.”

  I point to the room. “Care to explain why my kid is the one isolated then? Where are the girls responsible? What have they been saying?”

  Evie reaches out and squeezes my hand in comfort, her typical default. “I promise that they’re being taken care of. Ainsley has been okay, we just wanted to speak with her.”

  My teeth grind. “Aren’t girls supposed to wait to start being catty? Why the hell are they starting early?”

  “Ms. Montgomery—”

  I hold my finger out at Harris. “No. With all due respect, I don’t want to hear what you have to say. I want to know what they’ve been telling her. She hasn’t been herself lately and I haven’t been able to get anything out of her.”

  To nobody’s surprise, Principal Harris arches her brows and crosses her arms over her chest. “That seems like a problem. Are there concerns at home we should know about? If she won’t talk to you, how is she going to communicate with anybody else?”

  My lips part at her inquiry.

  Evie turns to her boss. “I mean no disrespect, Angie, but that’s inappropriate.”

  “No,” I tell Evie, not bothering to look away from the devil’s spawn standing in front of me. “You want to know what’s been going on at home, Angie? That beautiful, smart, kind-hearted little girl in there has been struggling. She has had more awful things happen to her in her lifetime than most people I know. She’s grieving her father, her voice, and her chance at normalcy. I bet that’s what the girls pick on her about, right? It’s because she’s different than them. They think because she doesn’t talk that she’s somehow beneath them. That kind of attitude will only get worse if you don’t stop it now.

  “And before you say anything about how I must be an awful parent for not forcing her to talk, know this. Ainsley is just like her father. If she doesn’t want to talk, she won’t. If she doesn’t want to tell me what happened, she won’t. Instead, she’ll hold in everything that’s happened until she breaks. She’ll latch onto me and never let go until there are no more tears left to cry, and during that period you bet your ass that I wish I could hear her voice when I tell her that everything will be okay. That life won’t be this hard all the time. The worst part of this entire situation is that I can’t make a promise like that when all she’s known is grief.

  “So, answer me this. Who the fuck do you think you are for judging me? Or for trying to dictate that precious girl’s life? You’re supposed to be a role model here, somebody who gives a shit. Be honest with yourself, Angie. You hate your job and you hate being around difficult situations. If I’m completely wrong, then prove it. Do something about the kids responsible for bullying my little girl before they get worse. Because, I assure you, they will.”

  I turn on my heel and walk away from the gaping expression of the woman I’m proud I didn’t smack. No matter how tempting that is, it won’t do anybody any good. So, I walk into Harris’s office and kneel in front of Ainsley.

  Her eyes are wide as she stares at me, then fill with tears as she launches herself into my arms. I breathe
in the lavender of her shampoo and wrap my arms around her in a tight hug. “You heard all of that, huh?”

  I should apologize for swearing, for making a scene. If I were a good parent, I’d tell her not to swear or repeat those words. But I don’t. I just hold her, let her squeeze me, until we both pull away.

  “I’m sorry you’ve been having a hard time in school, Nugget.” I brush hair behind her ear. She reaches out and places a palm against my cheek, her lips parting ever so slightly and making my heart burst in my chest.

  But then she closes her mouth.

  I smile. “No matter what they say to you, be true to yourself. That’s all your father could ever want, okay?”

  She signs, Okay.

  I kiss her cheek. “I think we should get ice cream. How does that sound? Chocolate chip cookie dough for me and brownie bits for you.”

  Her eyes brighten. I offer her my hand as we walk out of the small side office and stop in front of a red-faced Principal Harris and a wavering-lipped Evie. I smile at them both, though it’s harder to hold when I lock eyes with the older woman. “If you ever speak to my daughter alone without calling me first, there will be hell to pay. Do you understand me?”

  Harris’s jaw ticks, but she nods.

  “Great. Have a wonderful day.”

  I feel her scathing glare on the back of my head and don’t bother looking. People like her aren’t worth my time to be pissed over, and there’s no way the gossipers that encompass the office secretaries won’t have our conversation all over school by tomorrow morning. Angie Harris hates her reputation being tainted.

  Too bad for her, I don’t care.

  Walking out of my advisor’s office with a big smile on my face, I head across the quad to a familiar brick three-story building that houses the office I’ve acquainted myself with well. The smile doesn’t fade even when a couple jocks bump into me without saying sorry or a girl gives me a dirty look when I realized too late that she’s behind me before letting go of the hallway door.