But then she pushed her chair back from the table, wiped the corners of her mouth with the napkin that had been draped over her lap, set it next to her plate, and excused herself.
With unwavering eyes, I followed her every step as she crossed the banquet hall and went out the exit closest to the bathrooms. My mouth was dry, my pulse weak and thready, but for some inexplicable reason I was pushing myself back from the table and following her before I could form a coherent thought.
“Shit,” I heard Cam mutter, but it didn’t matter because I was already halfway out of the room, and I wasn’t going to stop until I got to her.
Not that I had the first inkling what I would do then.
I was almost inside the women’s room when Cam called out to me from down the hall.
“Don’t, Sara. Just come back in here and let’s finish the evening out, and then we can go back to the hotel and you can get it out of your system. This isn’t the right time.”
There was no such thing as the right time. How had she decided it was the right time to leave me behind? The right time to forget she already had a fucking daughter?
None of that mattered right now because I couldn’t get my feet to stop. I kept going, letting the bathroom door swing shut behind me just as one of the toilets flushed. A moment later, she came out of the stall right as Cam barreled into the bathroom. Her eyes passed from me to him and back to me.
“Come on,” he said, reaching for my hand, but I wasn’t going anywhere. “Let’s go back. Don’t do this now.”
I couldn’t look at him. My eyes wouldn’t budge from the woman who had left me all those years ago, turning me into a hurt-them-before-they-could-hurt-me fucked-up mess. Hell, I’d even tried to pull that shit with Cam. Thank God he’d proven to be more stubborn than me or else I would be even more broken and bruised on the inside right now than I had ever been. He was the best damn thing in my life, him and Daddy. He was helping me to figure out how to glue all the pieces of myself back in place, how to be whole again. He made me want to be whole.
But then this bitch had shown up, and it was like I’d shattered all over again.
She was watching me, her face an impassive mask. How the fuck could she be so indifferent about this? Why wasn’t she angry or sad or apologetic or something about seeing me here? About knowing how broken I was.
She recognized me. She might not have cared enough to see me in over a decade, but she and I looked enough alike that we could be sisters. She fucking well knew who I was, but she didn’t show any sign of anything.
“Let’s go.” Cam put his hand on my elbow, trying to tug me out of that bathroom, but I refused to leave until I was ready.
“You should get out of here,” I said to him as calmly as I could, which wasn’t saying much, considering the circumstances. “This is the women’s room.”
“As soon as you come with me.”
“I have something I need to do.”
He grew more insistent in trying to drag me out of that bathroom, so I jerked my arm away from him.
“Leave her here and go,” my mother said dispassionately. “Sara obviously has something to say to me. Let her get it off her chest.”
Let me get it off my chest? The way she said it, devoid of all emotion, only made the anger in my stomach boil and made the hole in my heart widen. My soul felt as though it was crumbling, collapsing in on itself, like a black hole. Even after all these years, she could still crush me like a cockroach beneath her feet.
My mad started to dissipate into a vat of ache, and I had to blink back tears or I might flood the whole fucking bathroom. I didn’t know if I could do it, if I could say what I needed to say. If I opened my mouth and tried to speak right now, I doubted anything but sobs would come out—great big, heaving, wailing, all-consuming sobs.
I took in a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself enough that I could tell her… What? What had I wanted to say to her all these years? What had been so important that I’d followed her like a heat-seeking missile into the fucking bathroom in the middle of a wedding reception for two of my best friends?
“No,” Cam said, his voice smooth like steel. “I’m not leaving her here alone with you, and I have a few things to say to you, too.” Even though his tone was calm and his words came out smoothly, I could feel him vibrating with well-controlled anger. At her. For me.
I inched closer to his side, and his arm came around my waist, settling right where it belonged.
“Can we get on with it?” my mother asked. “My husband and kids are waiting for me.”
“Yeah, we can get on with it,” he said. “You have a lot of nerve showing up here and pretending your daughter doesn’t even exist. She’s one of your kids, too, in case you forgot. I don’t know what happened between you and Scotty, and frankly it’s none of my business and I don’t really care. But I do care about Sara. And you should, too. Those kids out there aren’t your only kids, but they might as well be with the way you’ve treated her all these years. You wouldn’t speak to her until she cornered you in the bathroom. You wouldn’t even look at her.” He pulled me closer, so close I couldn’t tell which of us was shaking harder than the other. “This woman is amazing, not because of you, but in spite of you. To be honest, you don’t deserve to have her as your daughter.”
I’d started crying about three words into Cam’s speech, and by the time he came to the end of it, I felt like I’d never be able to stop.
“Are you done?” my mother asked, still as detached and emotionless as she’d been when I first arrived in the bathroom.
“Yeah,” he said. “I’m done.”
“I’m not,” I got out through my tears, and she turned her lifeless eyes toward me. “Why?” I demanded. “Why don’t you want me? What did I do wrong?”
“That’s what you think?” For the first time, she showed a crack in her defenses, blinking rapidly and crossing her arms. “Who says I didn’t want you? Is that what your father told you?”
“Don’t try to pin this on Daddy. You’re the one who left. You didn’t just leave him. You left me, too.”
“I only left you because he wouldn’t let me take you with me, and the court sided in his favor because I was the one supposedly at fault.” She didn’t even try to stop the tear that slid down her cheek, letting it drop and darken the fabric of her dress. “I never wanted to leave you. I have always wanted you.”
It didn’t make sense, no matter how many different ways I tried to spin it in my head. “Why didn’t you call? Why didn’t you send me cards or letters or presents? You just disappeared out of my life, and then you started a new family and forgot about me.”
“I never forgot about you. And I tried,” she said defensively. “He sent the cards and presents back unopened. He wouldn’t let me talk to you because he said I was a cheating bitch, and he didn’t want me to taint you. Eventually, I stopped trying because it hurt too much to have him fling it all back at me every time. It hurt too much seeing you here, today, and I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know if you’d want to talk to me, so I was avoiding you.”
Was she telling me the truth? Had Daddy prevented her from having a relationship with me after she’d gone? I had been only ten at the time. For all I knew, he had done that. A part of me wished he were here so I could ask him, so I could know, but he was busy at the NHL draft right now. And in the end, it didn’t matter if he had been the reason for it. What mattered was right here, right now.
So what was I going to do about it?
I sniffled, trying to get myself under control again. “I’m not a little girl anymore,” I said. “He can’t keep you from being in my life anymore.”
“No, he can’t. Do you want me in your life?”
“I don’t know.” It had been so long and so much had changed. I didn’t know where to begin. I didn’t know if I wanted to begin.
“Think about it, then.” She walked over to the sink and washed her hands. “We can talk some more after the reception
if you want.”
Once she left the bathroom, Cam folded me up in his arms and let me cry until I got it all out. Then he dried my face with paper towels.
“Your makeup is a wreck,” he said. “We need to straighten you out before we go back into the banquet hall.” He took me by the hand and led me back to the dressing room where Rachel, Dana, and all of the rest of us had gotten ready before the wedding. Then he helped me to touch up my face and hide as much evidence of my crying jag as possible. I supposed that was yet another skill he’d acquired from having younger sisters.
“Should I stay and talk to her later?” I asked as we walked back toward the reception, his big hand surrounding mine.
“We can if you want. That’s a decision I can’t make for you, Sara.” He couldn’t, and even more than that, I knew that he wouldn’t try to. Not ever.
I stopped before we went through the door and stretched up on my tiptoes to kiss him. “That’s why I love you, you know that?”
He grinned, tightening his grip around my waist so he could pick me up off the floor and kiss me more soundly. “That’s the only reason?” he asked once we’d broken apart.
I shook my head. “One of many.” And the list only seemed to keep growing every day.
“WE NEED TO find some time to talk,” Katie whispered to me. “Today. Just you and me, when my parents aren’t sitting right there.”
She nudged her head in their direction, as though I’d forgotten where they were. That wasn’t possible for me. I was almost as aware of them as I was of her, and that was saying something. Her father was seated on her opposite side, with her mother directly next to him in the row of wedding party members. Even her whisper had been more than enough to catch Webs’s attention. He turned in our direction and waggled a brow at me before going back to his meal.
What the fuck was that supposed to mean? I really needed to get better at interpreting his wordless communication. At least, I would need to if Katie and I were going to have a future. Maybe that was it. Maybe he knew we weren’t going to and he was gloating that he’d finally convinced her to forget about me.
No. I had to stop thinking like that because it was only serving to fuck with my head.
I wanted to be alone with her as much as she wanted to be alone with me. Maybe more. It had been far too long since I’d been able to hold her in my arms or steal a kiss. Most guys in the NHL were thrilled when summer finally rolled around and they were able to spend more of their time with their wives and girlfriends. For me, it was torture. Not only was Katie not officially my girlfriend, but she spent her summers with her family—away from me.
After today, there was no telling how long it might be before we got another opportunity to spend some time alone. In September, when I arrived for training camp? I wasn’t sure if she’d even be in Portland then. I let my hand drop below the surface of the table so it was between us, and she took it in hers, sending a shiver racing along my side.
“After everyone starts dancing,” I said under my breath.
She squeezed my hand, nodded, and blushed. Chances were pretty high that I was blushing, too.
I just wished I knew what she wanted to talk about so I wouldn’t freak out any more than was necessary. She hadn’t said enough to give me much of a clue on that front, and we’d hardly had time to even do so much as sneeze in each other’s direction with all of the wedding festivities going on.
It didn’t look like I was going to find out now, though. Jonny and Sara came back into the reception area and made their way back to their seats. It was obvious that Sara had been crying. Even though she’d done her best to cover the evidence, her eyes were puffy and red. They’d barely taken their seats again before the wait staff came in to clear away the plates.
A few of the guests got up and moved around. Razor was one of them, heading toward the exit with his phone pressed up to his ear. He’d been messing with the stupid thing the whole time we’d been here. He might have been doing the same all through the ceremony, too, but he’d been near the back so I couldn’t be sure. Hell, he’d been even worse about checking his phone than I had been, and my brother was about to be drafted any minute. My excuse was a pretty damn good one. I didn’t have the first clue what he was so worked up about, though.
I sat back in my seat and pulled my phone out of my pocket one more time. It was set to silent because I didn’t want to disturb the reception with all of the text messages, but I wanted to know as soon as possible once he was drafted. A quick glance told me all I needed to know. Nothing new so far.
I pulled up Twitter to see if the draft had gotten underway and anyone had been selected yet. Three picks so far, but none of them were Levi. I was just shoving my phone back into my pocket when Razor returned and hooked a finger at me, trying to get me to come out in the hall.
Fuck, what did he want right now? But a quick glance around the room revealed that everyone was still talking, and the staff was still clearing away all of the plates from dinner, so I let go of Katie’s hand and pushed back from the table. She questioned me with her eyes. Probably because the toasts and speeches should be coming up anytime now, and I ought to be present for all of that even if I didn’t have to give one myself.
“I’ll be right back,” I said, and I was determined to be sure it was the truth. Whatever was going on with Razor, I had no intention of staying out there very long. He knew I had responsibilities to fulfill here. He would just have to understand.
As soon as I got out into the hallway, he pounded his fist on the wall. At least it was the wall opposite the banquet hall, so they shouldn’t have heard it inside.
“What the hell’s wrong with you?” I demanded.
“I just got fucking traded.”
I let out a long, whooshing breath. Traded? Now? “Shit.” Of all the things it might have been, that was the last that would have crossed my mind.
“To the Sabres. Fucking Buffalo, man! They’ve been out of the playoffs forever and that’s not gonna change any time soon.”
“You could be part of the change,” I said, trying to encourage him, but it was hard to come up with upsides at the moment because he was most likely right. Besides, I felt like I’d just been punched in the gut with this news. I couldn’t imagine how he felt since I was still trying to wrap my head around it. “I bet you’ll get more ice time, there,” I said, shuffling my feet. “Probably be on the second pairing. This could be a really good move for you, because as long as Burnzie, Jens, and Ny are around, you’re not going to move up much, if any.”
The way he looked at me then made it clear nothing I could say would really help. “They’re in the middle of a fucking rebuild, Babs. But in Portland, we were just coming out of one.”
I felt like the wind had been let out of my sails, so I couldn’t imagine how he must be feeling over this. Razor had been my best friend on the team since our first day in training camp the year we were rookies. We’d been road roommates this whole time, and over the last couple of years, we had spent hours playing video games together and just hanging out. We’d even discussed the idea of him moving into my condo next season since I had a room open, but he was a slob so we had still just been talking about it. Nothing had been settled. We’d had a lot of ups and downs together, but now he was going to be playing all the way on the other side of the country.
That wasn’t the only thing I was processing, though. The Sabres had been slated to pick early in the draft. If Razor got traded today, it was because some other team wanted that draft pick. It meant they wanted a guy who wasn’t likely to still be waiting for his name to be called by the time they would have picked otherwise.
And that pick might be Levi. I had to try hard not to let myself believe that Jim was going to use that pick on my brother. He’d told me he wouldn’t be doing anything of that nature so many times that he had to have meant it. Didn’t he?
Razor stubbed the toe of his dress shoe repeatedly against the wall. “Jim said I hadn’t developed
into the defenseman they’d hoped I would be by now, that they’d hoped for more offense from me like I was able to bring in juniors. He said Bergy wasn’t sure I’d fit into his plan for the coming season, but the coaches and everyone were really high on me in Buffalo and maybe I needed a different coach or a different system to come into my own.”
“That sucks, man,” I said. “Anyone else get traded with you?”
“A Russian prospect they drafted last year, Vladimir Aristov. One of the Sabres’ prospects is coming back to Portland in the deal. Otherwise it’s all picks moving around.”
It would have been easier for him if someone he knew was going to Buffalo, too, one of the guys from the team that he’d been playing with the last couple of years.
I shoved my hands into my pockets and shrugged for lack of anything to say that could potentially make it better. “I’m sorry. You gonna tell the rest of the boys?”
“Might as well, since just about everyone’s here. Not until they’ve finished all the reception stuff, though.”
At least he wasn’t going to tell everyone now and steal any of the spotlight away from the newlyweds. Sometimes Razor didn’t have a lot of common sense. He could do some stupid shit every now and then. That sort of behavior might have played into him being traded, too, but I didn’t think now was a good time to mention that fact.
“Good plan,” I said.
“Anyway, you should get back in there. You’ve got a speech to make or some other shit, right?”
“Yeah.” Or something. More like finding a way to talk to Katie, but whatever. I still had to go back in. “You coming?”
“In a minute. I need to go cool off first.” He started walking backward in the direction of the bathroom.
“Okay. Hey, Razor?”
He stopped and kicked a new spot on the wall. “Yeah?”
Double Major (Portland Storm) Page 5
