“Yes.” His slight hesitation and downward gaze, refusing to meet her eyes, hinted he hadn’t told her all he needed to say.
Her dreams they might rebuild a life together shattered with that single word.
Every promotion he’d taken had meant less time at home. This one wouldn’t be any different. The corporate culture in healthcare saw sixty-hour weeks as the starting point. Anything less was considered part-time. The fact his boss worked late on Christmas Eve proved it.
How could she uproot Jacob and follow Brad where his career led, when he’d never be away from the office?
Good thing she hadn’t let herself hope too much.
Pretending she didn’t care, she picked up a baking dish. “And?”
He swallowed audibly. “I’m sorry, Maddie. I have to be in L.A. to meet with the guys from head office. I’ll need to leave tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow? But it’s Christmas Day!” Loss and hurt racked her, tightening like a vise on her chest.
Then a hot torrent of rage from some dark place deep inside flooded her, the Red Sea crashing back just when it seemed there was a safe way through. Swallowing hard, she battled to force it back down. The baking dish slammed into the sink, splashing water down her front. Her fingers curled so tightly that even through rubber gloves her nails pressed into her palms.
Suppressing the urge to whack the tray over Brad’s head instead of into the water took every ounce of willpower she possessed.
Please, Lord, stop me saying or doing anything I’ll regret. I know I’m being selfish. My reaction is out of proportion. I shouldn’t want to hold Brad back when he’s worked so hard for this and his job is so important to him. But there’s something about him going so soon I just can’t bear.
A sharp intake of air hissed past her gritted teeth as she scrubbed desperately at the dish. She didn’t dare to speak. Maybe the physical activity would burn off her fury. Or maybe not. The way she felt, she’d scrub right through the enamel first.
What a fool she’d been to begin to trust him, to believe he’d changed. When she’d known all along it wouldn’t work, she shouldn’t feel so betrayed he’d chosen work over family again.
“There’s a late-afternoon flight. I’ll still have Christmas morning here, to take Jacob out with his sled, like I promised.” His defensive voice sounded as if he wanted to convince himself as much as her.
She thunked the clean dish on the draining rack and reached for the big saucepan. “You promised you’d go out with him every day till the end of the year.” Pitching her voice low so Jacob wouldn’t hear them argue, she fought to keep her anger out of her words. “You and I know it’s only a week away, but a week is like a lifetime to a kid his age. Did you even ask? Did you tell your boss you promised your son and you’ve hardly seen him?”
“I’ll apologize to Jacob and explain. I’ll send him another gift to make up for not being here.” He picked up the baking dish and began to dry it.
Knowing it was childish, she still longed to snatch it from his hands and tell him not to touch her stuff. Only the plea for her to understand gleaming in his eyes stopped her. Filling her lungs and holding her breath, she struggled to contain her hurt.
It didn’t work.
“Gifts won’t make up for you leaving. That’s what my dad used to do. He’d come home once a year, loaded with exotic presents from whatever country he’d been posted to. Then after a day or two, he’d be gone again. His mission work was always more important than being with his family. I don’t want the same for Jacob. He needs you, not more toys. Whether he’s in the city or here, he needs that.”
And what she needed, too. That was all she’d ever wanted from him. And Dad.
The gift of time. Of feeling valued more than work.
Everyone always told her how wonderful her father was, doing such noble work out in the mission field. But that didn’t help a little girl who wanted her daddy. And knowing Brad ran a big hospital group wouldn’t help Jacob, either.
“I’m doing it for you both. The promotion means a pay raise. I told you, I’ll send you a bigger monthly check.” He reached out a hand to her, but she couldn’t take it.
All her attention focused on scouring a troublesome patch of stuck-on potato. If only the troublesome parts of her life could be scrubbed away so easily. Like a heart that insisted on loving Brad. Even though he valued status and money more than her and Jacob. And assumed a bigger check made up for a husband and father who was never home.
“You earn more than enough already. Where does it stop? Is there some place you’ll finally reach where your family starts being worth more than another promotion?”
“You and Jacob are worth more.”
It didn’t feel that way. She shook her head, remembering all other those times he’d let them down. “I hoped you thought so. You coming here, the way you’ve been with us these couple of days — it’s been wonderful. But now you’re choosing to go. You’re breaking another promise. What are you trying to prove with all these promotions? To who?”
“I’m not trying to prove anything to anyone. I’m trying to earn a good living, to support my family. Isn’t that what a husband should do?” Irritation heated his voice. “I hoped you’d understand. I even hoped you’d be pleased for me.”
She abandoned any pretense of washing up. “A husband should be there for his family. Not working his paternity leave. Not leaving on Christmas Day, and coming back who knows when. Will we see you next year? Or not till the year after, because your work is too important to take a vacation from?” Her shoulders sagged as her anger fled, replaced with desolation, a numbing emptiness. “I’m pleased for you, if it’s what you truly want most.”
“Maddie, I’ve worked hard for this. I have to go.” His voice softened. “I need to support you and Jacob. And you can’t ask me to give up the promotion when you don’t know whether you’ll ever be able to come back to me. I accept you can’t leave yet. You have commitments. Your gran, the store. I know they’re important to you.”
“Gran told me today, she’s marrying Hiram.”
Now, why had she admitted that? The hope sparking in his eyes showed what a mistake it was. Fear clutched her stomach. Because next, he’d ask her to leave the lake. She’d be forced to decide.
“If all that’s holding you here is your promise to mind the store, you could be free in a couple of months, even less. I’m pretty sure you still have feelings for me, just like I still have feelings for you. Am I right?”
She couldn’t lie to him. She nodded.
Brad grinned, his old confidence back. “Good. I know living in the apartment was hard for you, especially when Jacob came along so much sooner than we planned. Next time, we’ll have a house out in the suburbs, with a yard and a proper kitchen. I can earn enough to buy whatever will make you and Jacob happy.”
He didn’t understand. He’d never understand. What she wanted from him couldn’t be bought. She stared at the sweet peas on the kitchen windowsill, still bright and fresh. She’d hoped they meant something. But it seemed they had no more emotion behind them than his flashy roses did. Jacob’s gift of the dime store plastic ring held far more genuine love.
Stripping off her rubber gloves, she slumped into a chair and covered her face with her hands. Her heart ripped, hurt beyond hurting any more.
“I can’t, Brad,” she whispered past her hands. “A bigger house won’t make any difference. It will be like this, all the time. Promises broken, family events missed, Jacob disappointed. Again and again and again. Your job will always come first. Living like that will kill my love for you. And it will break Jacob’s heart, like my dad broke mine.” Her voice broke, betraying a weakness she couldn’t afford.
Lord, make me stronger, for Jacob’s sake.
She forced words past the hard lump choking her throat. “Please, just go now. Say goodnight to Jacob. But leave me alone.”
Chapter 14
Brad stared at Maddie, hunched over the kitchen
table. Her hands hid her face. He couldn’t see her expression, but obviously, it wasn’t happy. Seeing her like this reminded him painfully of his mom. He’d never been able to make her happy, either — no matter how good he was or how hard he worked to get high grades.
He rested a hand on her shoulder. “Maddie, I’m sorry. I do need to leave tomorrow. But I’ll come back as soon as I can.”
Shaking her head, she shrugged off his touch. Her hands dropped, and fire flashed in her eyes. She pushed back from the table as if she couldn’t get away from him fast enough. “Go to Jacob. Read him his bedtime story. He deserves you give him that much time, at least. I’ll stay down here and finish washing up.”
Fury over how unfair it was lit a slow fuse in his belly. He should pray, hand this over to God, but he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. That low crack about “trying to prove himself”. He worked as hard as he did for her and Jacob, not for himself.
Sure, the money and success weren’t bad, but that wasn’t why he did it. If she didn’t recognize that now, she never would.
He couldn’t figure her out. What more did she want from him? She asked him to come here, and he came. He paid her far more than the court-mandated child support. He was willing to marry her again, though she’d been the one to instigate the divorce. He’d offered to give up his apartment and let her choose a house.
She admitted she loved him. But clearly, she didn’t love him enough to leave her life here or to see he didn’t have the choices she did.
It was simple as that.
“I’ll spend some time with Jacob, and then reschedule my flight. Goodnight, Maddie.” His words emerged abruptly, short with anger. He was done trying to please her. Nothing he did was ever good enough.
By the time he opened the kitchen door, she already had her back stiffly turned to him, head high, spine rigid, clattering dishes in the sink again.
Her choice.
He charged up the stairs to Jacob’s room. Fresh from his bath, the boy sat up in bed, arms wrapped around Trunkie, chattering rapid-fire about taking his sled out. At least his son was pleased to see him. Though knowing he’d disappoint Jacob by leaving tomorrow twisted the knife of guilt Maddie planted in his gut.
Liz threw him a hopeful, questioning glance. Poor gal. She’d engineered things perfectly. Making sure Maddie knew about her marriage plans, then giving them time alone together.
What ifs clustered in his mind. If he hadn’t had the call about the promotion. If he hadn’t decided to accept. If Harry hadn’t wanted him back in the office so soon. Would Maddie have said yes, when he asked her to marry him again?
Probably not.
He gave Liz a tiny headshake.
Her lips tightened, and she rolled her eyes. So he wasn’t the only one impatient with Maddie. “We’ll go downstairs and help finish the washing up.” She stooped, kissing Jacob on the forehead. “Lie down now. Daddy will tuck you in tonight. When you wake up in the morning, it will be Christmas.”
Left alone with Jacob, Brad wondered whether to confess he had to leave early. Leaving it to tomorrow was surely less likely to upset the boy. And he admitted, easier for him, too. Besides, until he checked the flight times, he had no idea when he’d need to go.
Instead of spoiling Jacob’s happy anticipation of Christmas, he sat beside him and listened to his prattle. No need to tell Jacob a bedtime story, Jacob told him one. A long, convoluted tale involving Trunkie, a circus, airplanes, and possibly Santa, though by that stage the boy was so drowsy he mumbled a slew of barely audible words.
Even after Jacob’s slow, steady breathing showed he slept, Brad sat there, gazing at his son. A fierce, protective love rose in him. He had to go back to L.A. tomorrow, and then eventually, on to Chicago. No escaping it. But he also needed to work out how to get more time with Jacob. Angry as he was with Maddie, he acknowledged she’d done a great job raising the boy. But Jacob was getting to the age where he needed his father.
Show me how to do this, Lord. How to be a better father to my son.
After switching on the nightlight the way Maddie showed him the night before, he turned off the main light and tiptoed out the door. To pack his bag. And to book the flight that would take him away from his son.
Christmas Day
Jacob woke him before dawn, pulling the curtains back then jumping on his bed. “Daddy, Daddy, wake up. It’s Christmas! And it’s snowing!”
Brad sat up and peered out the window. Far from blizzard conditions, but white flakes swirled down in a continuous stream. “Can we still go sledding?”
Jacob shook his head and pouted. “Mommy says no. Not till the snow stops.”
No sledding. And no escaping the truth. He couldn’t put off telling the boy he’d be leaving today.
His mood couldn’t sink much lower.
Grabbing his phone, he checked the airport website. Flights all running as scheduled. Disappointment twinged him. No excuse not to leave. Anyway, Harry would only expect him to drive the whole way if the airports were closed.
He dragged in a deep breath and braced himself. “Jacob, I’m sorry. I’ll have to miss the sledding this time. I need to go back to the city today. Hopefully, we can do it when I visit next.” Even as he said the words, he knew it wouldn’t happen. No matter how much he wanted to, he wouldn’t get back before the end of winter. The promotion would make it harder than ever to take time off.
Jacob’s lip wobbled, and his little face crumpled. “But, Daddy, you promised.”
Brad raised his hands and scrubbed his face as his heart clenched. Reaching out to hug the boy, he felt like he’d kicked a sweet trusting puppy. “I know, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to go. I have to.”
He glanced over Jacob’s head, to see Maddie standing in the doorway. Even in yoga pants and an old sweatshirt, her hair bundled into a messy braid, her beauty stirred him. But her twisted lips and headshake showed she’d heard what he said — and didn’t agree.
“Let’s go downstairs for breakfast now.” Her brisk no-nonsense tone, warned him as much as Jacob not to argue or sulk, though her hard gaze warmed and softened when Jacob turned to her. “Come on, Peanut. We have pancakes. And then we’ll open the rest of the presents.”
“O-kaaay!” Jacob swiveled to face Brad. “Mommy makes the best pancakes.”
Brad chuckled, though a touch of hurt shot through him at how fast the promise of pancakes eased his son’s distress over him leaving. Thankfully, kids were resilient. Jacob would know he loved him, and was doing his best for him.
If only Maddie could see that, too.
“No need to get dressed first,” she told Jacob. “Jammies are fine this morning.”
Jacob raced downstairs. As they followed, Maddie spoke, tightlipped. “I hoped you might have reconsidered, but it appears not. What time are you leaving?”
Why couldn’t she understand he had no choice? “The late-afternoon flight is full, so I had to book an earlier departure than I wanted. And because of the snow, I should allow longer for the drive. Before eleven, I think.”
She nodded slowly. “Right. Now I know when I need to plan something to distract Jacob. Hiram should arrive about then. At least Christmas Day is filled with diversions. All I care about is making sure Jacob isn’t too upset over this.”
“I care for that, too. The last thing I want is to upset him.”
Her raised eyebrow showed his protest rang hollow. Clearly, she thought he could easily make sure the boy wasn’t distressed. But it wasn’t so simple.
“Truly, Maddie, I don’t. Anyway, wouldn’t he be just as upset if I left on New Year’s Day as planned? Going sooner won’t make much difference.” The salve to his aching conscience also happened to be true. Even Maddie would have to admit that.
She didn’t reply. Probably a good thing, as they were right outside the closed kitchen door and he could hear Jacob’s excited voice.
Liz pulled the door open. “Small change of plans. The living room and the presents instead.
I agreed with Jacob that the pancake batter would be all the better for sitting in the bowl another half hour.”
Maddie ruffled the boy’s hair. “I should have known you’d remember, when I said that last week.”
“The ’gredients need more time to mix ’agever. You said.” The serious way he repeated it, stumbling over the big words, was so comical Brad had to laugh, too.
No choice but to swallow his anger with Maddie and play happy families, for Jacob’s sake. They trooped into the living room where the unopened presents waited under the lit-up tree.
Jacob opened Brad’s gift first. “Oh wow.” His eyes widened, and his mouth fell open as he examined the child-friendly tablet computer, complete with bright blue rubber bumpers. “Thank you, Daddy. The bigger kids at Sunday school all have these.” It only took him a second to switch it on and grin with delight as music played.
Brad reveled in Jacob’s appreciation. Trying to decipher Maddie’s expression was a little less fun. Surely, she couldn’t object.
“It’s got kid-safe features already installed,” he explained. “It’s even got a child’s version of the Bible on it.”
Her tight, fixed smile didn’t alter. “Thank you. I prefer him to read real books, but I guess he needs to be computer literate, too. Don’t forget the rest of your presents, Jacob.” She nudged the pile in front of the boy, and then turned to hand Brad a small flat parcel. “Merry Christmas.”
Driving gloves. Quality, expensive ones. Had she remembered him mentioning all the driving between hospitals he did and how hot the steering wheel was till the aircon kicked in? A thoughtful gift. “Thank you.”
She nodded, but her expression stayed tight.
He passed her the present he’d bought in the same Christian bookstore as Jacob’s tablet. After trying to remember the sort of things she liked, and asking God to guide him, it seemed perfect at the time.
Now, he wasn’t sure. He hadn’t imagined such a strained, uneasy gift-giving. The tension almost vibrated between them.
Come to the Lake Page 10
