Of course, if no one shows up at all, perhaps it’s an indication that the gathering wasn’t necessary in the first place.
62. How to Say No
Unless you’re Jules Renard, how you respond to requests for your time depends to some extent on your relationship with the person who’s asking.
With friends, just be honest. “Look, I’m simplifying my life right now, and I need to slow down. I’m not going to be going out as much as I have been. It’s nothing personal, but I need some time to recharge my batteries.”
When a new personal or business acquaintance suggests, “Hey! Let’s do lunch sometime!” nip it in the bud. You can casually say you’re not doing lunch these days and leave it at that. You don’t need to get into a major discussion about it.
To the crazy-makers—the mother-in-law, the next-door neighbor, the hangers-on who are always creating havoc in your life and eating up the time you’d like to spend doing other things—you may simply have to get tough. Put your foot down. And keep putting it down until they get the picture. “Blanche, I’m starting a new project next week and won’t be able to do coffee with you for a while. I’ll give you a call when my schedule frees up.”
When Blanche shows up anyway, be firm and persistent. “Blanche, maybe I didn’t make myself clear the other day, but remember I’m starting my new schedule today. I don’t have time to visit now. I’ll call you later.”
If it’s someone you feel you should see, then set some parameters. “I’m available on Friday afternoon between one and two to see you,” for example. But don’t let them take over your life. To do this you may have to let go of your desire to be “nice.” You can please some of the people some of the time, but you can’t please them all, all of the time.
To requests for volunteer efforts you’re not ready for yet, again, a simple explanation with a minimum of details is best. “Sorry. I don’t have the time now. I’ll call you when my schedule clears up.”
For any other situations where you know you need to say no, be inventive. This is your life you’re making time for.
63. Saying No in the Workplace
You may not have a problem saying no in social situations, but you might be a pushover at work. In The Overworked American, Harvard sociologist Juliet Schor reports that many fast trackers have continued to work longer and longer hours without a corresponding increase in pay because they don’t know how to say no.
Somehow, in the workplace, corporate management has gotten us to believe that saying no to more work and longer hours is tantamount to being un-American. And there’s always the fear that if we don’t say yes to whatever time-demanding project is passed our way, someone else will, and we’ll be without a job or won’t get that next promotion.
Saying no to the boss. Ah, that’s a tough one. There’s so much at stake—namely our livelihood. If you’re simplifying your life, there are other areas where you can free up time and energy which may help you put up with, for the time being, a demanding job that requires, or that you feel requires, long hours.
But this is simply another area where you may have to learn to say no. According to Professor Schor, a number of recent studies have shown that workers are starting to say no to longer hours. Many people are moving away from the frenzied work ethic of the 1980s to more traditional values.
Professor Schor points out, however, that shorter work schedules won’t be handed over to us by management. Rather, we’ll have to claim them for ourselves.
If you’re tired of working ten- and twelve-hour days, reduce your workday by half an hour or more over the next couple of months. No one’s going to miss you for that half hour. Besides, you may be amazed to find, as I did, that you’re more productive when you’re working less. You’ll therefore be making more of a contribution. You can then cut back even more.
Your next challenge might be deciding how to spend your extra time. After you recuperate—with rest, quiet time, long walks, time in nature, time with your family, time at the movies,—check out your creative urges. You will be pleasantly surprised at what’s been cooking away inside all this time.
64. So Why Haven’t You Written Your Book?
Or painted your Mona Lisa? Or sculpted your David? Or written your play, or started any of the other creative pursuits you have in the back of your mind that you’d like to do?
We all have creative ideas we want to develop. We may have been too busy to explore them, or we may have believed they were impossible for us to do. But it’s our heart’s desire that we should be doing.
Ask anyone who’s following their muse. That’s when they’re truly happy, that’s when they’re in love, that’s when they have passion in their life. They do it because they heard the call. And they heard the call because they took the time to listen.
Georgia O’Keeffe once said that it takes time to see a flower. It also takes time to write a poem. It takes time to open up to our creativity. And that time has to be free of many of the distractions we so often allow to take over our lives, often because we haven’t learned to say no.
In my experience the creative process works like a locomotive. It takes a tremendous amount of inner resources and energy to start the wheels moving, and they move very slowly at first. If something on the track stops the train, it takes a tremendous amount of energy to get it going again. But once it’s going full bore, it takes a lot to stop it.
When I started writing, for example, I found that I couldn’t write and do lunch at the same time. By the time I get up and running, if I stop for lunch, the writing is all over for the day. After years in the real estate business, where doing lunch was de rigueur, I had to change my practices and start saying no to luncheons and many other invitations. I simplified my work life so I could expand into my creativity.
If you’ve got a creative project that you’d like to begin, I urge you to learn to say no to as many of the social and cultural and consumer distractions as you possibly can, so you can begin to build up the steam you need to move forward with it.
EIGHT
Some Inner Stuff
65. One Reason We’re Craving Simpler Lives
Dear Ms. St. James;
I am 14 years old, and this school year I will be in ninth grade. About two years ago, I started feeling like my life was missing something. At first I thought I was lonely. I would get sick and lie in bed and cry. Loneliness didn’t really make sense though. My parents love me. I have a brother I get along with. I have a dog, and I have friends I can talk to and trust. Then, about a year ago, my parents sent me to a psychiatrist. I only went four or five times, and I didn’t feel helped. But a few months ago I decided that I didn’t have to feel so depressed all the time. I pulled myself out of my pit of despair. I am still pulling. I give myself pep talks when I need them. When I am angry, I climb a large tree in my backyard. I feel that I am making progress.
I finished your book Inner Simplicity about ten minutes ago. I now realize that I am lonely, but not for company. I am lonely for myself. All my life so far I have concentrated on school, and being good, and being other people’s idea of perfect. But now I know that I need to not worry so much about what others think but to do things I like to do. I need to look inside myself for strength. I need to get in touch with my inner self. I want to thank you for helping me realize that. I plan to try everything in your book, and to read the books you recommended.
Very sincerely,
Erin Webreck
Somerset, PA
“I am lonely for myself.”
Erin speaks eloquently for many of us. We’ve been so busy being the good wife, the good husband, the good mother, the good father, the good son, the good daughter, the outstanding employee, the successful entrepreneur, and everyone else’s idea of what perfect is that we’ve lost touch with who we really are.
As you begin living a simpler life, you’ll have the time to spend in solitude, to write in your journal, to get some counseling if you feel the need, to work on eliminating
any addictions that may be getting in your way, to learn to forgive, to develop gratitude, to figure out your big issue, and to learn how to move through your life at a pace that allows you to enjoy each day to the fullest.
Go back to Chapter Two and take another look at some things you might do to free up some time to think about simplifying your life (#13, #14, #15, and #16).
Another benefit of having this newfound time will be the opportunity to begin to get reacquainted with yourself.
66. Why We Keep Our Lives So Hectic
One thing I’ve learned about maintaining a complicated life is that it’s one of the best ways we have to avoid looking at some of the larger questions. It may not apply to everyone, but I believe it explains a lot about why we’ve been moving so fast. The prospect of getting reacquainted with ourselves can be daunting.
As long as we convince ourselves that we’re so busy and our work is so vital and we can’t afford to slow down, then we don’t have to look at our own lives and the personal issues that are so difficult to address: a marriage that isn’t working, a career that isn’t satisfying, children we’re out of touch with, friendships we’ve outgrown, associations we need to move on from, the creativity we’ve been afraid to explore, our deepest fears or childhood traumas that have been holding us back from leading truly fulfilled lives.
As you start to slow down, to cut back your work hours, and to free yourself from some of your commitments, you’re going to have some time on your hands.
To begin with you may feel the need to start nourishing your body by catching up on your sleep, cleaning up your eating patterns, restoring your energy, reestablishing an exercise regimen, spending some time in nature, learning how to laugh and how to have fun.
And then gradually, you may reach a point where there’s nothing left to do but start to deal with some of those inner issues. With a blanket of time around you, you’ll find they’re not as monumental as they may once have seemed. Creating the inner strength to move through them will lighten you up.
An amazing thing happens when we slow down. We start to get flashes of inspiration. We reach a new level of understanding and even wisdom. In a quiet moment we can get an intuitive insight that can change our entire life and the lives of the people around us in incredibly positive ways. And those changes can last a lifetime.
Living more simply will make it possible to create those quiet moments. Out of those quiet moments miracles happen. Be open to them.
67. Find Your Life’s Work
One of the greatest benefits I’ve derived from simplifying my life has been finding a new and satisfying career. I wish I could say it was easy. It wasn’t. It was one of the biggest challenges I’ve ever had to meet. But as anyone knows who is doing something they truly love to do, there is nothing like it, and few things they would exchange for it.
I spent most of my life not knowing what I wanted to do when I grew up. I’ve taken a lot of the tests, I’ve read many of the books, I’ve talked to numerous career counselors. But the only career guidance that worked for me was the advice to take some time off and do nothing until I figured out what my next career move should be.
Perhaps the hardest part was coming to the decision that I could take the time off. As we know, when we’re in the middle of a hectic life, we think we can’t stop. But slowing down makes it possible to see many options that simply aren’t apparent when we’re moving at warp speed.
The next hardest part was figuring out how to arrange it financially. I’ve already mentioned Your Money or Your Life by Joe Dominguez and Vicki Robin. Their approach to achieving financial independence gave me an entirely new way of thinking about the time and effort it takes to earn the money we spend. And of course, if you’re living more simply you’ll be spending significantly less money in the process.
If you’re considering taking steps to find your life’s work, and finances are one of your considerations, I urge you to study some or all of the money books described on the Reading List. You’ll find an almost unlimited number of ways to reduce your expenses or to rearrange your finances so you can explore new career options.
Once you put your mind to it, you’ll begin to see that saying you can’t afford to find a more satisfying career is only an excuse. It’s the most deceptive excuse there is. The truth is, in terms of the quality of your life, you can’t afford not to.
Once I moved beyond the excuses, I made the commitment to myself that I wouldn’t start anything new until I came up with something I wanted to do. Out of that commitment I started writing, just for the fun of it and because I loved doing it. It opened up new career possibilities for me that I never would have thought of if I hadn’t made that promise and stuck to it.
Though Gibbs and I did a lot of rearranging so I could take some time off, you may not have to do that. I’m a slow learner. I had to completely change my pace before I could begin to ask the right questions. Then I had to listen for the answers.
Don’t fall into the trap of thinking that if you’re not now doing what you love to do, it’s too late to figure it out. One thing I’ve realized is that everything I did previously prepared me for what I’m doing now. And what I’m doing now is no doubt preparing me for whatever I may do differently in the future.
With the rapid changes that are happening in the marketplace, with the downshifting that’s happening in the workplace with the increasing advances in all phases of technology, there perhaps has never been a better time to figure out what your best work is, if only as preparation for the next stage of your life.
If you’re not doing work you love, the greatest contribution you can make to the world and to your own growth is to take whatever time you need to figure out what you want to do. Then start doing it.
68. Giving Back
Across the country, volunteer organizations have reported a significant decline over the past decade in the numbers of people who are willing to devote time to charitable or other worthy causes. Our ten- and twelve-hour workdays have not left much time for volunteer endeavors.
But as simplifying and downshifting take hold in this culture, the numbers of people who are ready to give back will start to rise again. I hear from many readers that one of the major benefits of simplifying their lives is that now they have time to devote to others through volunteering.
One reader said, “My own view is that getting out of the rat race through simplifying solves only half of the problem of lack of fulfilment that so many people experience. The other half is found in considering the needs of others as much as our own.”
Volunteering may not be high on your short list as you begin to simplify your life. If you’re feeling exhausted and depleted from the frenetic pace of your life in recent years, perhaps it shouldn’t be. Charity begins at home. It’s possible that one of the greatest services you can perform is to get your own house in shape and to spend time with your kids and your spouse and your extended family before you rush out to save the world.
But the time may soon come when you’re ready to give back. Doing something for others can be a very powerful step toward getting to know yourself and for adding joy and value and a sense of accomplishment to your life. The distinguished historian Arnold Toynbee said that the future of mankind depends on every person withdrawing into himself and finding his own depths, then coming forth to serve his fellow men.
And remember, your greatest service and where you can make the greatest contribution is when you’re doing what you love to do (#67).
NINE
Personal and Household Routines
69. Another Approach to Household Chores
Several readers of Simplify Your Life wrote to say they had learned to spread out the weekly routines into more easily manageable portions that take less time.
Margo Bogart of Dearborn, Michigan, put it this way:
“I have streamlined my household chores by having a major focus for each day of the week. This may sound trite, but it actually saves me the troubl
e of trying to remember how long it has been since I last did each major task. Each person can vary the concept to suit his or her needs and flex the schedule when circumstances require switching days for certain tasks. Here’s my basic plan:
Monday: empty wastebaskets and put out trash for city garbage pickup. Do laundry.
Tuesday: Work on computer. Clean second floor and basement.
Wednesday: Volunteer. Shop on the way home.
Thursday: Clean bathrooms.
Friday: Vacuum carpets and mop floors. Plan activities to do together for the weekend.
Saturday: Spend as much time together as possible. If my husband brings work home from the office, I pay bills, write letters, clip coupons, dust, iron, mend, water plants, etc., until we can spend more time together.
Sunday: Work in the yard and garden together or do repairs together. Phone relatives together. Relax and read together.
“This system works for me. It’s true that I don’t have the best kept house in Dearborn, but I think I have one of the happiest marriages! The beauty of having a preestablished focus for each day of the week is that I never waste time trying to figure out what I should be accomplishing next.
“Also, this schedule helps me pace myself and not feel like I’m falling behind when responsibilities threaten to pile up. Once I have done the designated chores for the day, I feel more comfortable about allocating time for other tasks (or invitations to do fun things!) that come up unexpectedly. I feel more in control of my week and less stressed by the endless ‘to-do’ list.”
As Margo says, such a plan can be adapted to your own circumstances.
Another reader said she completed one household task before she headed for the office each morning. This way, she didn’t have to think about doing it at the end of her workday when she was tired and would thus be more inclined to skip it. She also pointed out that it meant she didn’t have to lose a major part of her weekend to the drudgery of chores, and instead she looked forward all week to being able to spend her Saturday doing whatever she wanted to do.
Living the Simple Life Page 10
