Like she was the only star in the sky.
To me, in my sky, that truth was clear as day.
She’d be glad I followed Maddy. She’d be glad I interrupted them before things got out of hand. In fact, she’d likely thank me.
Soon, I thought.
It’ll come. Everything will fall into place. Everything will be the way it always should have been.
After I followed Maddy back home and made sure she was safely locked in the house, I pulled into my driveway and went inside.
Sunshine waited for me by the door, as loyal and loving as always.
“Hello, girl,” I said, petting her head. “You keeping things safe around here?”
She wagged her tail and I couldn’t help but smile down at her.
“Good girl,” I said. “Good girl.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
SAGE
I watched in awe as the Gods crowded into Mom’s kitchen. I’d barely opened the door to them early this morning, before they swarmed the house with their large presence.
“I hope you don’t mind if we cook breakfast here,” Slade asked, his arms full of brown grocery bags.
“We need the privacy, and some people,” Riot said, rolling his eyes and pointing at Slade, “need more food than is provided with the hotel’s continental breakfast.”
“It’s ridiculous. Cereal and mini muffins? There wasn’t even any orange juice,” he said, holding up a gallon of OJ as he replied over his shoulder, ignoring Riot’s criticism. Ryder, Wreck and Blade came in behind them, greeting me with their handsome smiles. Colt lingered last, waiting until the others passed me before stopping in front of me.
“Please,” I said, laughing. “Make yourself at home.”
“I told you she’d say that,” Slade replied, winking at me. “You’re a good egg, Sage.”
“Thanks,” I said, shrugging. “It’s the least I can do for all the help you’re giving us.”
“Speaking of eggs,” Slade said, rifling through Mom’s cabinets. “How do you like yours?”
“Scrambled,” Maddy said, coming out of her room with her backpack slung over her shoulder. She reached into the cabinet and pulled out a couple of glasses.
“You got it, kid,” Slade said, holding up a spatula.
“I’ll help you,” Maddy said, getting to work beside him. “I’m starving.”
A pang of guilt hit me. I hadn’t exactly been making gourmet meals for Maddy. We’d been surviving on a steady diet of pizza and take-out.
I need to do better, I thought, as I turned to Colt. He stood patiently beside me, waiting until I addressed him. He’d been nothing short of amazing. Patient and kind and helpful. He never pushed me, he just gave me space and time and, I suspected, was waiting for me to come to him before anything else happened between us.
I hated that everything had to be so complicated, that we’d not met under other circumstances. And yet, still, in the midst of this drama, he peered down at me with the most patient gaze.
“Hi,” he whispered.
“Hey,” I said, smiling up at him. He was so calm and sweet and comforting and the sheer size of him was enough to make me swoon. There was so much of him, and it was all good. Every inch. And apparently, my body was not immune to it, even in the depths of all else. A shiver of desire ran through me, decimating my brain’s suggestion of keeping this all business. We’d not even touched since Maddy and Corinne came home. “Can we talk outside?” I asked.
“Sure,” he said, leading me out the front door. We stood on Mom’s porch, amongst the blooming crocus and chirping birds. He turned to me expectantly. spring was coming and Mom was still gone. By now, she’d have cleaned all her garden beds, turning the soil and getting everything ready to plant a million seeds. By summer, her garden would be bursting with flowers and vegetables.
I wondered if that would happen this year. What would her garden grow if she wasn’t here? Would the birds even come? It all seemed so bleak, so morbid.
“I just wanted to apologize, Colt,” I said, finally turning back to him and pushing away the image of Mom in her garden. He squinted in confusion.
“For what?”
“For all of this, how messy it is, how awkward and just damned weird it is,” I said. “We just met, and we’ve barely spent any time together, and now, everyone’s here, and —.”
“Sage, there’s no need to apologize,” he said. “And yes, I agree, everything is a little weird, but that’s only because of how we met.”
“Right,” I nodded. “I agree.”
“So, let’s just let that go, for now, and keep moving forward. If I’m being honest, us meeting each other — and even the way we met — was one of my favorite nights of my life.”
“It was?” I asked, my eyes widening.
“Hell yeah,” he said. “Maybe I’m not your stereotypical biker, but picking up a woman at a bar, taking her for a ride and then well — taking her for a ride, if you will — all without finding out her name first, isn’t something I usually do.”
“I’m happy to hear that,” I laughed, beaming up at him. He was so fucking beautiful, his long, fuzzy curls, his deep hazel eyes, those thick full lips. All I wanted to do was kiss him, I realized.
So I did.
Just like the first time, but without the aid of copious amounts of alcohol, without giving myself time to think about what a completely inappropriate thing it would be to do, I raised up on my toes and pressed my lips to his. Immediately, his hand snaked around my waist, pulling me closer, as his lips pressed back into mine.
Heat poured off of him and I yearned to just melt into him.
But I didn’t, I pulled away, landing back on my feet and smiling up at his gorgeous face. His eyes told me he was as hungry for more as I was and that made me feel amazing.
“That’s better,” I nodded.
“I wholeheartedly agree,” he growled.
“I just didn’t want you to think that I’m not interested.”
“Duly noted,” he nodded in mock-seriousness. “I hope you know the feeling is mutual.”
“I was hoping so,” I said, a shiver of desire washing over me.
He reached down, pushing a lock of hair behind my ear and letting his palm cup my cheek.
“Sage,” he said, his voice low and husky, “As soon as all this over, I plan to take you out on a proper date and we’ll figure things out from there, does that sound like a good plan to you?”
“The best.”
“Good,” he nodded. “In the meantime, let’s do what we can to find your Mom.”
“You’re literally amazing, do you know that?” I reached up, putting my hand over his and leaning my face into the warmth of his palm.
“I try,” he shrugged. He leaned forward, kissing me gently again, his lips so soft I could almost cry. He gathered me into his arms, holding me close to his chest, his heartbeat drumming against my face. We stayed like that for a while, the world stopping for a merciful moment, before he pulled away and led me back inside, leaving my heart infused with just a little bit of his strength.
Maddy, Corinne and the Gods were all crowding around the table, the plates in front of them filled with heaping amounts of eggs and pancakes and sausage. Colt and I joined them and together we had a family breakfast that made me yearn for the big family I never had.
“So, where do you guys live?” Corinne was asking.
“Not far from Tillamook,” Blade replied.
“You all live together?” Maddy asked.
“Yeah,” Slade replied. “Some of us have other places, too. Some of us have families. Like me, I have a wife and son.”
“What’s your son’s name?” Maddy asked.
“Jeremiah,” Slade replied. “He’s three. You should meet him sometime.”
“I’d like that,” Maddy replied.
It was always just me and Mom and Maddy and things were much more quieter than this. I could only imagine how quiet it was after I left. I looked over
at Maddy and couldn’t help but smile. She was loving having the Gods here, it was apparent from the look in her eyes.
“So, what?” Corinne asked, her eyes glued to Blade. “You have like a clubhouse or something? Like in Sons of Anarchy?”
I looked over at Blade and tried not to laugh at Corinne’s question. He did look a little like Jax. Corinne and I had obsessed over that show. I wasn’t surprised she brought it up.
“No, not really,” he said. “It’s a group of cabins all bunched together. It’s really nice, actually. Secluded, beautiful. You should definitely come. You can meet Oliver and Olivia.”
“Who’s that?” Maddy asked.
“Only the most bad ass owls to ever live,” Slade replied. The other Gods laughed and nodded.
“It’s true,” Riot said.
“Owls? Cool,” Maddy said.
“They’re wild, but they’re basically family. Just like everyone else. All of our ol’ ladies are amazing, strong women, you’d all love them,” Slade said.
“Old ladies?” Maddy asked, wrinkling her nose. “Why do you call them that?”
“Not ‘old’,” Slade said. “Ol’…o and l…which I like to think stands for ‘overwhelming lovely’.”
“Damn, dude, that’s romantic,” Riot said.
“Hey, I’m a modern day Romeo under all these tattoos and scars,” he replied. Everyone laughed and for a moment, everything just felt right.
Under the table, I reached over and grabbed Colt’s hand, squeezing it and throwing him another look of gratitude. I had no idea what was going to happen, or what we all might discover together, but I was so glad I wasn’t alone anymore.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
SUNNY
Driving to work was always the part of my day where I gave myself a pep talk. Some days I needed it more than others. Today was one of those days.
“It’s all gonna work out,” I told myself out loud, my voice raising over the music pouring from my car’s stereo system.
I’m walking on sunshine, whoa…
“You always think the worst is going to happen,” I shouted to myself in the mirror.
I feel alive, I feel the love, I feel the love that’s really real…
“And you’re always wrong!” I insisted to the eyes staring back at me.
And don’t it feel good, yeah…
It’s true. The man in the mirror is right. I’m right. I am always pessimistic. And I am always wrong. Life has a way of just working out in ways you might never imagine. I was sure this thing with Frannie would be no exception.
I used to think maybe you loved me, now I know that it’s true…
I wondered, briefly, what Mother would think about what I was doing, about what I’d done. I liked to think if she was still alive, that she would approve, that she may even help me — at the very least, I knew she’d understand.
She always did.
Like she knew that sometimes, I just had these urges and they just wouldn’t go away unless I followed through on them. I just couldn’t rest when I saw something that wasn’t right. I needed to make it right. That was my urge.
Maybe Mother had these urges too.
I guess I’ll never know.
I missed her. I missed her warmth, her smile, her acceptance.
Poor Frannie. She’d tried to do her best, but it just wasn’t good enough. I hated what I had to do to her last night, but she deserved it. She’d earned her punishment. It was best this way.
I parked my car and sat there for a few minutes, trying to switch gears enough to go into work and put on a normal face. It wouldn’t do if anyone saw how upset I was. It was important that I never show any cracks in my demeanor.
Alright now, don’t it feel good, yeah…
I’m walking on sunshine, baby…
Oh, yeah…
I sang softly to myself as I locked up my car and walked into the building. I needed to feel good. I needed the gloomy grey of winter to lift and the bright beams of sunshine to light my way. I needed the sun to warm me, to guide me, to show me exactly what my next move should be.
And I needed it fast.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
SAGE
The feel of Colt’s lips stayed with me all day. After dropping Maddy off at school and doing my usual morning drive around town looking for signs of Mom, Corinne and I met at a coffee shop downtown, near Leo’s office, before my appointment.
“Well, breakfast was a hoot,” I said, as we sat down.
“I’ll say,” she agreed. “Jesus, how hot are those guys? If Blade flashed me those baby blues one more time, I thought I was going to just melt into a puddle at his feet.”
“I feel you,” I said, smiling as I put cream in my coffee.
She looked at me suspiciously. “Look at that smile! What happened?”
“God, you’re good,” I said, laughing.
“I know, spill it,” she said, sipping from her mug.
I took a sip myself, drawing it out a little. “It’s nothing, really.”
She rolled her eyes. “Tell me, before I pour coffee on your pretty little head.”
“I kissed Colt again,” I shrugged. “No big deal.”
“About fucking time,” she said. “Jesus, you’re like a snail when it comes to sex, Sage.”
“I beg to differ!” I said. “I fucked him before I even knew his name!” I insisted, a little too loudly, because the elderly couple at the next booth turned to me with wide eyes.
“Well that’s a start, but it doesn’t mean you have to make up for it by becoming celibate now. Damn, if I had access to Colt, I’d still be wrapped around him.”
“Let’s just stop talking about it, okay?” I said, lowering my voice. “I’m trying. Let’s leave it at that.”
“Well, if it only takes a kiss to make you look like that, then keep kissing, missy!”
I shook my head, laughing. “Fine.”
“I’m a little nervous about today,” I admitted.
“Don’t be,” she said. “We decided it’s best to just be honest. Go in and ask him directly about your mother, right? What can it hurt?”
“True,” I said. “I guess I’m more nervous about what he might tell me.”
“It’s better to know than not know,” she said.
“I guess,” I agreed, half-heartedly. No matter what I felt, I was doing this. I didn’t see how I had a choice at this point. “I feel like we should have told the Gods, though.”
“Well, we didn’t,” she shrugged. “We’re fine as long as we stick together. I’ll be right outside.”
I nodded, my stomach churning as I kept pouring coffee into it.
An hour later, we were parked in front of the same building we’d visited yesterday. On a quiet tree-lined street, it wasn’t far from the heart of downtown.
“My appointment is in five minutes,” I said to Corinne. She sat behind the wheel, nodding somberly.
“Go on in,” she said. “Just be yourself. Be direct. Everything will be fine.”
“You’re right,” I said, shaking off my nerves. “I’m making too much of it. Mom says I always do that.”
“You absolutely do,” she agreed with a smile. “Go.”
“Alright, alright,” I said, sliding out of the car. The thud of the car door closing echoed in my ears as I crossed the street and walked the short distance to the door of the low slung, tan building. A gold plaque with a list of names was next to the door, ‘Leovanni del Sole, PhD’ listed among them.
I took a deep breath and opened the door. It only took a moment to find Leo’s office. I walked through another door and found myself in a tiny, empty waiting room. A sign told me to write my name down on a nearby form and to take a seat.
Trying to concentrate on slowing my racing heart, I wrote my name and sat down in the waiting room. I wondered what Mom thought when she came here — if she came here. We hadn’t yet determined that this was indeed the same Leo she was seeing. But still — I wondered what she fe
lt like, coming to a stranger and opening up to them about her most personal stuff.
I’d never ventured into therapy myself, although I was a huge advocate of it. I just didn’t feel like I needed it. I’d been lucky. I’d had a great Mom, and although my father was absent, I just didn’t miss him, to be honest. I never felt much of a loss. Certainly not enough to warrant therapy. I’d been too busy concentrating on my future. The future that was completely uncertain now.
Now, I had Maddy to think about. I had decisions to make. Hard decisions, and I needed to make them fast, too. Was I going to just quit med school all together? The idea seemed preposterous. But so did taking Maddy out of school and bringing her to Portland. How in the world could I take care of her and provide for a teenager and finish my residency at the same time?
Honestly, it just seemed impossible. Those two lifestyles were completely and utterly incompatible.
I had no idea what to do, but I knew we couldn’t just stay in this limbo forever. I’d make a decision soon, I told myself.
But first, I had to make it through this appointment.
“Sage?” A soft voice broke me out of the loop of constant worry I’d often found myself in lately. I looked up to see the man from the bar yesterday smiling at me, as he stood quiet as a mouse in his doorway. I’d not even heard the door open.
“Hello,” I said, standing up. “Dr. Del Sole?”
“Yes,” he nodded. He was tall, with dark curly hair that framed a thin face with a large nose. His smile was gentle and kind, which matched the look in his soft brown eyes.
“Please come in,” he said, stepping to the side and gesturing behind him. I followed him and he shut the door, leaving us alone in a cozy office. He sat in a large chair in the corner, motioning towards the love seat along a nearby wall. I sat down, smiling over at him. He looked back politely, completely silent for a moment as he gazed over at me.
“So, Sage, what brings you here today?”
I swallowed hard. I’d practiced this part. The beginning. What I’d say. What I’d ask. I told myself I’d watch his every reaction. But there was something about him that overwhelmed me a little. The way he looked at me, as if he already knew everything about me. It was almost as if I’d been here before. I pushed the eeriness of it all away and forced myself to get it together.
CHASING SUNSHINE: GODS OF CHAOS MC (BOOK THIRTEEN) Page 13
