by Wayne Coffey
If I keep living the next five minutes well, I know I’ll be exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Finally I say a prayer of thanks to God for taking a broken man and making him whole, for being my Redeemer, graciously giving me a second chance as a pitcher, as a husband and father, and as a Christian man. I know my journey is nowhere near complete. The point isn’t to arrive. The point is to seek, to walk humbly with God, to keep walking and keep believing even though you know there will be times when you make mistakes and feel lost. You keep seeking the path, and He will show you the way.
Thank you, merciful God, for all these blessings and more, for giving me the courage to stop hiding, and the courage to find a new way.
I turn out the light. I close my eyes. I have hope.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Ten weeks before this book was published, I climbed to the summit of Mount Kilimanjaro, more than 19,000 feet above the African continent. It was a life-changing journey for me, not just because I felt as though I could see forever, but because being on Uhuru Peak at dawn’s first light filled me with rapture for God and the majesty of His world.
In the course of my ascent with companions Kevin Slowey and Dave Racaniello, I had to overcome nausea, altitude sickness, extreme fatigue, and fierce and unrelenting wind and cold. It was soworth it, for reaching such a peak filled me with profound reflection and gratitude, both for my life and for the life story you have just read.
It was spring of 2008, early in my season with the Seattle Mariners, when I first felt called to write a book about my life. I use the word “called” because I literally felt something outside myself tell me to start writing. Whether the voice was God’s or my own creative psyche, I can’t say for sure. Probably it was a mixture of both. I started writing on an inflatable mattress in a rental apartment in Tacoma, Washington, and soon became so terrified by the process, and what I was putting down in my notebook, that I stopped and didn’t pick it up for two years, when it became clear to me that God really did want me to tell my story—and tell every aspect of it.
I was given a gift during those two years. A few men emerged in my life who helped me deal with the fear and affirmed to me that I had a story worth sharing, no matter how painful the process might be. Thank you, Stephen James, not only for giving me the courage to face my past but for teaching me how to seek truth and grow towards being an authentic man. Carter Crenshaw, our pastor at Nashville’s West End Community Church, was a spiritual rock and the same loving, loyal, godly friend he has been for years. Jason Robbins was an equally steadfast friend and constant source of encouragement. Michael Karounos helped shape the vision for my story and cared enough to tell me the truth even when it was hard to hear.
Thanks, too, to my friend Mike Jones, who offered fresh eyes and valuable editorial input; to George Vecsey of The New York Times; and to Teri Thompson, executive sports editor of the New York Daily News. George wrote a column about me in the Times at the end of the 2010 season, and subsequently referred me to Esther Newberg, his literary agent, who, with Teri’s help, partnered me with Wayne Coffey. Esther took an immediate liking to the project, even though I annoyed her to no end by insisting on calling her “ma’am.” She warned me that she might drop the project if I didn’t drop the “ma’ams,” so I did, and then Esther did what she does best—finding the perfect landing spot for the book—with David Rosenthal’s new Penguin imprint, Blue Rider Press.
David was a believer in the book from the start. He was unwavering in encouraging me to write the book I wanted to write, and despite being an ardent Mets fan, he never once leaned on me to rip anybody. The whole Blue Rider team—Aileen Boyle, Sarah Hochman, Gregg Kulick, Linda Rosenberg, Garrett McGrath, David Chesanow, and Dick Heffernan and his superlative sales group—matched my enthusiasm and believed in this first-time author from the outset.
I don’t think “thank you” is strong enough to express my gratitude to Wayne Coffey, who is much more than a writer to me. He is an answer to prayer. His writing expertise and wise tutelage allowed me to give my story a voice. Our countless hours together—whether on the phone or at venues ranging from Nashville to Citi Field to Port St. Lucie to various National League cities—produced much more than a narrative-shaping dialogue. They transformed a working relationship into a friendship that has been more valuable to me than even the pages that we pored over. I’d also like to express my gratitude to the other Coffey people, especially Wayne’s wife, Denise Willi, a national tennis champion whose patience throughout this process was even more stout than her forehand. Alexandra, Sean, and Samantha Coffey have become three of my most loyal fans, and I appreciate them, too, just as I appreciate Frank Coffey, who taught Wayne how to play center field back in the day, for his invaluable editorial input.
All I can say about my mom is that I am blessed to be her son, for she is as courageous and loving and good-hearted as any person on this earth. I love you, Mom. To Billy and Lynn Caldwell, and Uncle Ricky, thank you for all your love and for always being there, and to my sister, Jane, and her daughters, Abby and Kaitlyn, love and blessings to you for being in my life. To my dad, you taught me and gave me so much in my early years, and I love you for that. It is my prayer that renewed closeness and honesty will be in our future.
Much thanks to Susan Waynick for her love and provision in my early years.
Will, Ben, and Bo Bartholomew are the three best brothers-in-law a man could have—the brothers I never had—and Sam and Vicki Bartholomew are the patriarch and matriarch of a wonderful Christian family. A special thanks to Bo, whose selfless friendship was always a motivation for me to relentlessly pursue a relationship with Jesus Christ.
Finally, I’d like to thank my wife, Anne, and our children, Gabriel, Lila, Eli, and Van. They had to be without a husband/father for more than a year while I spent my days either playing baseball or writing. They rarely complained while I gave them much less than they deserved. You are the greatest treasures of my life. To Anne, thank you for loving me in the middle of the darkest hours of my life. Your love for me when I couldn’t stand myself saved my life, and I will never forget that. You stayed by me and stood with me and more than anyone, helped me to have hope and to heed the words of Thomas Merton, author of my favorite prayer:
My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
INDEX
Alcoholism, 27, 59–60, 319
Alderson, Sandy, 36–37, 217–18, 302, 304, 308
Alexander, Lamar, 116
Alligators, 117–19
Amber III, 22, 58
Ameristar Casino Hotel, 203–4
Anderson, Garret, 148
Anderson, Mike, 61
Anderson, Rick, 267
Anderson, South Carolina, 222
Andrews, James, Dr., 105–8
Ankiel, Rick, 126–28, 305, 311–12
Antony, Rob, 244
Aquinas Junior College, 15
Arizona State University, 76–77
Arm path, pitcher’s, 253
Ash, Gord, 198, 227
Atlanta Braves, 102, 276–77
Baichu, Rohan, 318
Baker, Scott, 268, 270
Balfour, Grant, 212, 223, 227
Ball Four, 4
Baltimore Orioles, 160–61
Bark in the Park, 130
Barnwell, Chris, 205–6, 222, 224, 227
Bartholomew, Anne. See Dicke
y, Anne
Bartholomew, Ben, 115
Bartholomew, Bo, 46–51, 115
Bartholomew, Sam, 114, 179–80
Bartholomew, Vicki, 47, 108–9, 114
Bartholomew, Will, 115
Baseball America, 91–92, 96
Baseball gloves, 66–67
Batey, Trent, 68
Batting titles, 293–94
Bauer, Rick, 181
Beards, 281
Bedard, Erik, 253
Belle Meade, 47
Bellhorn, Mark, 136
Belmont University, 67
Beltrán, Carlos, 216–19, 299, 305, 324
Beltre, Adrian, 249
Benson, Kris, 88, 91, 93
Berroa, Ángel, 223
Bertman, J. Stanley “Skip,” 92–94, 100
Bird, Larry, 1, 172
Blanco, Henry, 288, 298–300
Blass, Steve, 127
Bosman, Dick, 97, 133, 141
Boston Celtics, 172
Boston Red Sox, 141, 171, 175, 251
Boulanger, Mike, 183, 190
Bourn, Michael, 314
Bowers, Bob (R.A.’s uncle), 320
Bowers, Helen Gilbert (R.A.’s grandmother; MeeMaw), 24–25
Bowers, Leslie (R.A.’s mother), 15–18, 22–23, 57–60, 113–14, 319–20
Bowers, Ricky (R.A.’s uncle), 25–27, 42, 81, 88, 131, 171–72, 319
Bowers, Robert Green (R.A.’s grandfather), 24–26, 319–20
The Boys of Summer, 4
Brantley, Jeff, 137–38, 200
Braun, Ryan, 293
Bavasi, Bill, 247–48
Breslow, Craig, 270
Brock, Jim, 80–81
Brown, Dan, 122
Brown, Domonic, 300
Buck, John, 271
Buffalo Bisons, 283
Butler, Billy, 223
Cactus League, 246
Cairo, Miguel, 254
Caldwell, Billy, 62
Caldwell, Lynn, 62
Caminiti, Ken, 133
Candiotti, Tom, 151
Capuano, Chris, 324
Career longevity, 151–52
Casinos, 203–4
Castro, Bernie, 161
Catchers, 256
Catchers’ gloves, 246, 256
Chavez, Eric, 90
Chávez, Hugo, 144
Chicago White Sox, 269
Christianity, 49–51, 224–25, 328
Cincinnati Reds, 18–19
Citi Field, 154–56, 256–57, 292–94. See also New York Mets
Citizens Bank Park, 298
Clark, Will, 120
Clemens, Roger, 105–6
Clemson University, 85
Coleman, Struan, Dr., 302
Coleman, Vince, 118
Collaspo, Alberto, 271
Collazo, Lazaro, 79
College, 88, 281–82
College World Series, 80–85
Collins, Terry, 36, 169–70, 281, 292, 308, 314, 324
Colquitt, Jerry, 76
Comerica Park, 300
Competitiveness, 81, 319
Connor, Mark “Goose,” 9–11, 147–50, 173–74, 181–82, 200
Contreras, José, 269
Conway, John, Dr., 95–96, 106, 108
Corderi, Theresa, 313
Couples counseling, 245
Crabtree, Tim, 133–34
Crawford, Eric, 57
Creatine, 80
Crenshaw, Carter, 190, 192
Cuba, 92–93
Cuellar, Bobby, 135
Cumberland Heights, 59–60
Cypress College, 171
Dalts Classic American Grill, 61
Dammann, Nate, 272
Daniels, Jon, 11, 181–83
David Lipscomb University. See Lipscomb University
Davidson College, 79
Davis, Ike, 288, 300
DeJesus, David, 250, 271
Deland, Jonathan, 317–18
Delmonico, Rod, 84
Dent, Bucky, 200
DePodesta, Paul, 218
Detroit Tigers, 6, 7–8, 88, 175
Diaz, Einar, 300
Dickey, Anne (Bartholomew; wife), 47, 79, 105–6, 179–80, 230
couples counseling and, 245
and engagement to R.A., 113–15
game-winning ball for, 254
and R.A.’s gratitude for, 315
marital problems and, 184–90
and marriage to R.A., 116
miscarriage of, 123–25
Missouri River and, 205–6
and support for R.A., 223
and temporary separation from R.A., 191–95
Dickey, Elijah (son), 186, 200, 279, 288–89
Dickey, Gabriel (daughter), 145, 154–55, 200, 279
Dickey, Harry Lee (father), 15–20, 134–35, 320–21
Dickey, Jane (sister), 22, 78–79
Dickey, Lila (daughter), 186, 200, 279
Dickey, R. A. (Robert Allen)
becoming a Christian, 49–51
and call-up to New York Mets, 284–85
childhood sexual abuse of, 31-34, 74–75, 189, 197–98, 234
diary entries of, 36–37, 70–72, 102–3, 126–28, 154–56, 176–78, 200–1, 216–19, 256–57, 276–78, 292–94, 304–5
first game ball of, 136–37
Hough, Charlie, and, 165–69
injury of, 316–18
as knuckleball pitcher, see knuckleball pitch
marital problems of, 184–90
naming of, 43
near-perfect game of, 283
Niekro, Phil, and, 263–65
nickname of, 129–31
offer retraction of, by Texas Rangers, 98
prayer and, 286
renewed focus of, 224
in Seattle Mariners rotation, 261–62
as shortstop, 65–66
shutout of Philadelphia Phillies by, 293–300
signing bonus of, 95, 100–11
stubbornness of, 82–64
suicidal thoughts of, 193–94
swimming of Missouri River by, 208–14
in Texas Rangers rotation, 175
Wakefield, Tim, and, 251–53
work ethic of, 172
Dickey, Van Allen (son), 154–55, 315
Dick’s Sporting Goods, 70
Digital Domain Park, 36
Dillon, Joe, 229
Dillon, Lowell, 23
Disabled list, 317
Discipline, 53–54, 56–57
Dog Day, 130
Double-A baseball, 116
Downs, Matt, 176
Drese, Ryan, 259–60
Drug testing, 120–22
Duda, Lucas, 216, 292
Dunn, Winfield, 116
Durham Bulls, 283
Earned run average (ERA), 315–16, 324
Eaton, Adam, 174
Employee-assistance program (EAP), 121–23
English class, 53–54
Ensworth School, 171
Esposito, Sebastian John, 239, 243
Evans, Nick, 326
Faith, 224–25
Family, 154–56, 269–70
Farrell, John, 252
Fasano, Sal, 136
Fastball pitch, 149–50
Fellowship of Christian Athletes, 48–49, 233
Fielder, Prince, 321–23
Field goals, 70–71
Fighting, 39–41
Finances, 184–85
Fingernails, 311–13
Fitzgerald, David, 61
Florida Marlins, 262
Florida State League, 18, 116
Football, 56–57
Forehand, Fred, 65–66, 68–69
Forehand, Jeff, 67–68, 263
Foster Falls, 205
Francoeur, Jeff, 300
Free-agent draft, 87
Freese, David, 317
Fukudome, Kosuke, 316
Fuqua, Mark, 56–57
Gardenhire, Ron, 244, 267–68, 270–71
Gee, Dillon, 317
Ger
mantown High School, 68
Giambi, Jason, 136
Gibbons, Jay, 161
Gibbs Hall, 75
Glavine, Tom, 283
Glencliff Elementary School, 19
Gold Gloves, 259
Golf balls, 117–20
Gonzalez, Adrian, 157
Gonzalez, Juan, 4
Graffanino, Tony, 141
Grammar, 53–54
Green, Shawn, 289
Green Hills Family YMCA, 20, 45
Greer, Rusty, 133, 200
Greinke, Zack, 249–50
Greisinger, Seth, 91
Grip, 167–68, 171–72, 252, 311
Groza, Lou, 71
Grudzielanek, Mark, 250
Guillen, Carlos, 11
Guzmán, Cristian, 261, 287
Haikus, 54–55
Hall, Bill, 176
Halladay, Roy, 297, 304
Hamels, Cole, 298–99, 326
Hanwha Eagles, 239
Harang, Aaron, 176
Harrell, Greg, 121–22
Harris, Tiger, 61
Hawkins, Andy, 173, 200
Helton, Todd, 76–77, 84, 94
Hemingway, Ernest, 268–69
Herbst, Mike, 311
Hernandez, Jair, 247
Hernandez, Livan, 126, 287
Herschel Greer Stadium, 20, 221
Hershiser, Orel, 4, 147–49, 161–62, 200
Heyward, Jason, 277
Hospital for Special Surgery, 302, 317
Hough, Charlie, 149, 151, 165–69, 171, 175, 221, 278
Houston Astros, 176, 314
Howard, Ryan, 327
Hudson, Tim, 277
Hunter, Catfish, 90
Ibañez, Raul, 249
Inge, Brandon, 8–9
Injuries, 316–18
International League, 283
Iowa Cubs, 158–59, 227
Isringhausen, Jason, 236–37
James, Stephen, 195–99, 208, 231, 233–35, 269, 284
Japan, 93–94
Japanese national team, 173
Jaramillo, Rudy, 200
Joe’s Village Inn, 21–22, 58
Johjima, Kenji, 246
Johnny Rosenblatt Stadium, 213
Johnson, Jonathan, 91, 117–19, 133
Jones, Bobby, 160
Jones, Chipper, 102, 276
Journeymen, 229–30
