In the darkened room, I saw a glow coming from the kitchen counter and then go out. It was my phone. I always plugged it in downstairs so that I wouldn’t scroll through it in the dark when I was in bed. My phone lit up a second time, indicating a text had come in.
It might be important.
I got up, went over to the counter, and reached for my phone.
Who would be texting me at this time of night?
Chapter 11
The text was from a local business letting me know that I had three days before my BOGO coupon for frozen yogurt expired. I deleted it.
I was about to turn off my phone when another text came through. This one was from Tess. She hadn’t sent it to the group. Only to me.
You still up?
I typed yes and waited. After thirty seconds, I typed, You okay?
Tess replied with an emoji of a girl shrugging.
Anything I can do?
Are you able to talk right now? Or tomorrow?
I pressed the call button and returned to the sofa, pulling the blanket over my legs and leaning against my pillow.
“Hi,” Tess said. “I hope it isn’t too late. I know you guys usually go to bed early.”
“I’m still up. What’s going on?”
“I have a new client. It’s actually a production company that wants to hire me to style one of the TV personalities on a talk show.”
“Tess, that’s amazing. Isn’t that something you’ve wanted to do for a long time?”
“Yes, it is.” Her tone was still somber.
“So, why don’t you sound excited?”
“Because Guy got me the job.”
“Is he the client you’re styling?”
“No, it’s not anything he’s involved with. He just recommended me for the position. I had the interview today, and they offered me the job on the spot.”
“Why does it feel unsettling to you? I think I’m missing something.”
“It’s because he’s part of it. I feel like he’s finding ways for us to stay connected. A couple of weeks ago I told him that he should try to figure out his life without the two of us meeting or talking on the phone.” Tess paused.
I quickly said, “I’ve been wanting to ask how everything turned out with him.”
“I know I should have said something when you were at my place. I didn’t want to dominate the conversation.”
“We wouldn’t have minded,” I said. “I’m sure I’m not the only one who has been wondering. I mean, it’s a big deal, Tess. Or it could be a big deal. It’s a lot for you to sort out by yourself.”
“There wasn’t that much for me to sort out,” Tess said. “At least, until I was offered this new job.”
“Do you feel like he’s using the job to sort of corner you into talking to him more?” I wasn’t sure what to say.
“I didn’t tell you guys, but he and I had spent a lot of time talking. On the phone. For a while there around Christmas and most of January, we talked almost every night.”
Her comment caught me off guard. In her earlier sharing, her connection with Guy had seemed much less involved. “That explains why you felt so connected to him emotionally. It was a lot more than just a single coffee date.”
“It was. I tried to be neutral, but it’s like Christy said, I was too involved in his whole situation. You guys were right. I needed to pull way back so I wouldn’t be an influence.”
“I think the others would like to know this, if you want to tell them.”
“I will. It’s just that I feel like I’m back in the middle of it now with this job offer. He called an hour ago. It was the first time he’s called in about three weeks. I didn’t pick up. He left a message saying he wanted to know how the interview went. I feel like if I tell him that they offered it to me, I’ll owe him for the referral.”
“You don’t owe him anything, Tess.”
Tess was silent.
“Listen, it was his choice to refer you, right? You didn’t ask him to do that.”
“No, I didn’t. I didn’t even know he was putting my name out there.”
“Okay, so, you got the job on your own merit, not his. You are a woman of options, right?”
“That’s right, I am.”
“You have the option of taking the job or turning it down. He’s not part of any of that. You don’t owe him, Tess.”
“You’re right. Yes. I needed to hear that. I’m going to turn it down.”
“You are?” I hadn’t expected that to be her conclusion.
“Don’t you think I should? That way I won’t be connected to him at all.”
“True. But it’s business, isn’t it? It’s a job you really want. And need.”
“I know. But I’m thinking that since I managed to land this offer based on my work, then I can put myself out there on my own and find a similar position.”
Once again, I wasn’t sure what to say. Guy and his industry connections were still a bit of a mystery to me.
“The way I see it,” Tess said, “I never tried to apply for a position like this before. I didn’t know how to break in. As a result of the interview process, I found out the name of the agency that sent the other applicants. What if I went back to that agency, let them know I was offered the position but turned it down, and then see if maybe they would represent me. The agency would be the one sending me out for interviews.”
“That makes sense. It sounds wise.”
“It puts me back in the position of being a woman of options,” Tess said.
“Exactly.”
“Thanks, Jennalyn. I’m so glad you were able to talk right now. I feel a hundred pounds lighter.”
“Good. You’re quite amazing, you know. Amazing and courageous.” As I said the affirming words to Tess, I remembered when I was in ninth grade and had submitted a painting for my very first art contest. My mother had said the exact same words to me.
“Thank you, Jennalyn. I love you.”
“Love you too. Sleep well.”
“I will.”
I hung up and leaned back against my pillow. It felt richly satisfying to be there for Tess at just the right time and to give her words that my mother had given me years ago. At the same time, I felt unsettled. I wished I’d been equally transparent with Tess and told her what I was struggling with. She might not understand the tension between Joel and me, but she would definitely understand if I told her about Garrett.
Why wasn’t I courageous enough to open up to Tess the way she opened up to me?
For a long time I sat alone in the dark room, thinking. I remembered when Tess had talked at her place about how God orchestrates everything so there are never any coincidences. Had that been the case when I came downstairs? Was it just a fluke that I saw my phone flash when I did and was able to call Tess when she needed to talk?
I never had pondered God’s timing and His omniscience much before. Surely He didn’t set things up so that Joel and I would have a fight and I would end up downstairs. I wondered if He merely knew what was going to happen and when it would happen. That made sense to me.
So, how much does God really leave up to us and our free will? When and how does He step in and intervene? And how does prayer factor into all of it?
The questions were enormous, and my brain as well as my emotional capacity were operating on reserve mode. Sleep was what I needed. Lots and lots of sleep. It struck me that maybe a big part of the angst I had struggled with lately was related to the ongoing sleep deprivation. I was a night person by nature, so before Eden was born, I stayed up late and worked into the wee hours of the morning on the things I really wanted to do.
That pace made sense when I was younger and could sleep in a little. Since I had become a mother, I rarely managed to stay in bed much past six thirty. I counted it as a vic
tory if both kids actually slept or at least stayed in their beds until seven.
Determined to make sleep a bigger priority in my life, I decided to start here on the couch tonight. I would sleep better here than next to Joel since being with him would make me all the more aware of his frustration with me.
I reached for my phone, intending to make sure it was turned off. My thumb accidently tapped the game app and opened it. I saw that I had seventeen messages. I stared at the screen, telling myself that most of the messages would probably be like the BOGO ad for frozen yogurt. I convinced myself that I could scroll through all seventeen messages, unaffected.
Then I would delete the app.
Sixteen of the seventeen messages were from Garrett. Only one was a video ad trying to convince me I needed new car insurance. That one I deleted. Then I leaned back and read the rest. Garrett’s first few messages were, Hey, your turn. And Ready to admit defeat so soon?
Since I hadn’t replied to those friendly chides over the week or more since I had started playing the game, he added more wordy messages about how he and Violet were holding down the fort for the next week while Tiffany was in San Francisco for a trade show.
On Monday he wrote, No class, I guess. I’m taking Violet to the park. She really misses Eden. You’re welcome to join us.
Early that evening he had added a long message. He said he hoped he hadn’t said anything to upset me or offend me. He was concerned that maybe something was wrong, and he asked me to reply so he could quit worrying. He promised that after that he would stay out of my life, if that’s what I wanted.
Without thinking, I typed, I’m fine. Just busy.
I sent it, and his reply was almost immediate. He said he was relieved. Then he sent another, longer note about how he had found some photos and wondered if it would be okay to mail them to me. Or, if it would be easier, he could just drop them off at Joel’s restaurant this weekend.
I quickly typed back, You can mail them. The last thing I wanted was for him to show up at the Blue Ginger and deliver a package to Joel with my name on it.
My thoughts clustered as I typed: What pictures? If he had kept any photos from our years together, I didn’t want copies of them. What purpose would they serve? I had gotten rid of all of mine.
They are of your mom and a few of the two of you together. I thought you might want them, in case you don’t already have copies.
I stared at my phone screen, trying to figure out why in the world Garrett would have pictures of my mother. Even though I felt like a gullible fish going for the bait, I typed back, Where did you get them?
I came across them when I was going through my mom’s things.
His answer sounded strange. What was he doing going through his mother’s stuff? Had he gone hunting for pictures of me after we saw each other at the dance studio?
Then I remembered how I had searched for my yearbook.
As if he could sense my uncertainty, Garrett messaged back, I found them when I settled my mom’s estate.
My throat tightened. That could mean only one thing.
Garrett, I didn’t know. When did you lose your mom?
Last summer. July 5.
I am so, so sorry. I didn’t know.
Thanks, Jennie. I know you understand what it’s like.
For the next hour we messaged back and forth. I opened up to Garrett at the same speed that he was typing, as we shared about the pain of losing our moms and the huge void their absence from this planet had left in our souls.
I cried as I typed. For him and for me. I told him things about my mom that I had never told Joel. After 1:00 a.m., I finally said I had to go due to sheer exhaustion.
The last words he typed were, Thanks for spending tonight with me, Jennie. Love you.
I closed the app, turned off my phone, and sat alone in the dark. I realized I had never turned on a light and had been tapping my now-sore thumbs all that time without moving from the same hunched-over position on the couch.
I put down my phone, stretched out on my back, and stared at the ceiling.
I thought about how he had signed off with “Love you.” Of course he meant it in a brotherly way, after all that we had shared in our messaging conversation. And because of all the ways our families had overlapped years ago.
It was only his way of saying that we’re friends. That’s all. Tess and I expressed our love for each other on the phone. This was the same thing.
Exhaustion on every level overtook me, and I fell into a deep sleep.
When the early morning light broke through the sliding glass door and flooded the great room, I tried to turn away. It was no use. As soon as I turned, I felt a sharp pain in my neck. The exhausting feelings that had gone to bed with me last night now felt oppressively close, confusing, and sticky. An uneasiness clung to me, reminding me of the falling-out with Joel and the heart-to-heart, intense conversation with Garrett.
I didn’t know where to fit the conversation with Tess into the rest of it. All I knew was that I needed a hot shower to ease my tense muscles. It was going to be difficult to face Joel and then take on a normal day with my two busy babes.
What happened with my resolution last night to get more sleep?
My head pounded as I folded the blanket and returned it to the basket. Taking the stairs as light as a fairy, I made it past the closed doors of the kids’ rooms without hearing any peeps from them. I opened our bedroom door as quietly as possible and was relieved to see that Joel’s back was to the door and that he appeared to still be sleeping too.
I knew the sound of the shower running might wake him, but I had to get the hot water on my neck. I stepped into the steaming flow from the shower head and let it minister to my throbbing, tight muscles. I wished it would wash away the emotional pain from the night before. With my eyes closed, I turned my face to the stream of water and cried the last of the tears that had risen in me last night but had not leaked out.
I heard the bathroom door open. I didn’t move.
A moment later the door to the shower opened and Joel entered, wrapping his arms around me, holding me, kissing my tensed shoulders.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured in my ear.
I melted into his familiar embrace. “I’m sorry too.”
The warm water fell on our faces as we kissed.
Chapter 12
The week that followed was filled with starts and stops. Joel worked long hours through Valentine’s Day and was elated to tell me that it was the best holiday revenue the Blue Ginger had ever brought in. Most of his innovative new items on the menu had been a big hit.
The kids and I had Valentine’s Day spaghetti dinner at GiGi and Poppy’s. Eden loved giving them the cards she had made, and my in-laws had cute stuffed animals for both the kids. As much as I wished I could have spent the official “love” day of the year with my sweetheart, I knew that in his line of work that might never happen again.
Joel made me feel loved, though, by having a dozen red roses delivered to the house. The message on the card read “For my one and only.”
I had made a valentine for him and left it on the bathroom counter with a ribbon-wrapped box of his favorite aftershave. That way I knew he would see it when he went into the bathroom to shave and shower. He kissed me warmly before he left and thanked me for loving him.
As much as I told myself that I understood this was the season of life we were in right now, I still felt waves of loneliness and abandonment. I knew those feelings could be linked to the same emotions that kept triggering me when I thought about the loss of my mom.
The day after Valentine’s, while Joel was home trying to catch up on some sleep, I reached out to Christy and asked if she was available to meet at the park with the kids. She couldn’t get away, so I tried Sierra. She was locked in with her English lesson video calls.
&
nbsp; I buckled my noisy kids into their car seats and headed to a mall. I had been thinking about Tess’s recommendation of boot-cut jeans and wanted to try some on. We ended up at the Irvine Spectrum, a large upscale area with outdoor shops. I hadn’t been there in a long time and wasn’t sure why that had been my mall of choice, since I had several options within a ten-mile radius of where we lived.
As I was unfolding the double stroller, I realized Garrett had mentioned the Spectrum last month. He said he lived nearby. I felt a little shiver as I wondered what it might be like to run into him here instead of at dance class.
I knew the odds were slim to none that I would see him. Instead, I focused on all the bodybuilding moves required to move two toddlers out of their seats and into the stroller. We were barely out of the parking lot before Eden asked for snacks.
“Not yet, Eden.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
“I’m hungry.”
“Later, Eden. Please don’t fuss.” My routine had always been to bring snacks whenever Eden went shopping with me to help keep her occupied. I was pretty sure that my coping mechanism would come up later in her life if she ever needed to go to counseling for the inability to disassociate food with shopping.
For now, I wouldn’t worry about the many ways I was imprinting my children for life. I needed to let their daddy sleep for at least two more hours.
As we made our way through the Spectrum to one of the department stores, I noticed that people were smiling at my children and leaning in and waving at them. I pulled back the cover so I could see what they were doing. Eden was waving like a princess in a carriage and was flapping her brother’s arm so that he was getting in on the grand procession.
“Are you having fun, Eden?” I asked.
“Wave, Mommy. We’re in a parade!”
I spotted a bouquet of colorful balloons on a kiosk selling mobile phone covers, and I wanted to see if they would part with one of their balloons. The kiosk attendant was insulted that I asked and said I had to buy a phone cover. I didn’t need a phone cover.
Being Known Page 11
