Tess’s warm-toned skin took on a red tint across her cheeks and nose as she looked down. “I felt like I was falling in love with him.”
She reached for one of the unused napkins at the center of the table. “Don’t take this literally, but at times I felt like we were having an affair. We were never involved physically at all. A few hugs. He kissed me once on the cheek when we first met. That was it.”
She shook her head as if she were embarrassed. “This is hard for me to admit. I recorded all the seasons of his show, and I watched them all the time. I found myself thinking about what it would be like to fall asleep next to him. It got so bad I had to delete them. Thankfully I was able to close that door of possibility in my mind and bolt it shut.
“You guys gave me the boost of courage I needed to walk away emotionally. I don’t think you realize how much I valued your opinions. None of my other friends that I told said the things you did. They suggested that I convince him to run away with me, and that I should do whatever made me happy.”
“Well, I’m glad you didn’t run away with him,” Christy said.
“So am I.” Tess looked up. “But since I’m being truthful, I’m telling you, it could have happened.”
Her hands had formed into fists, the right one clenching the crumpled napkin. She rested them on top of the table and drew in a deep breath. “I was doing so well. Then he appears out of thin air at the theater tonight.”
“Of all the gin joints…” Sierra’s best Bogart impression fell flat.
Emily gently leaned her head on Tess’s shoulder for a moment, her familiar tender gesture of empathy. “Thank you for being honest with us.”
Christy reached over to cover Tess’s tightened fist with her hand. In a soothing voice she said, “You’re doing well, Tess. It’s a lot for you to process.”
“You know that we’re here for you, don’t you?” I asked.
Tess’s shoulders relaxed. She nodded.
“Thanks for letting us in on what you’re going through,” Christy added.
“Being single, I sometimes struggle with these emotional longings and desires that I can’t do anything about,” Tess added. “Not really. Not in a fulfilling way.”
Christy spoke up. “We’re all vulnerable emotionally. I could fall into an emotional affair just as easily as you did.”
“An emotional affair?” Tess countered. “Is that what you would call it?”
Christy nodded.
“But we never…” Tess seemed to be searching for the right word.
“Gave yourselves to each other?” Christy suggested.
“Yes. We never even kissed.” Tess shifted her position in the booth so she could face Christy. “I know I said I felt like we were having an affair, but I meant that in reference to being secret about our long conversations. It wasn’t as if we were planning to go off somewhere to be alone so we could give ourselves to each other, as you put it.”
“But you did give your heart.” Christy’s words came out carefully and tenderly.
Tess kept looking at Christy, blinking slowly.
“You gave your mind and your emotions. You gave your stories and your opinions and your advice. You let him know you. That’s why he looked at you the way he did tonight. He knows core essence pieces that make you, you. I mean, we all get that giving ourselves in love to someone is much more than skin on skin.”
It took Tess and the rest of us a moment to absorb what Christy said.
“You’re right, Christy.” Tess leaned back. “Emotionally I was all in, even though I knew I shouldn’t be.” She pressed her lips together and let out a long, slow breath through her nose.
“It feels so freeing to share this and to no longer hide any of it from all of you,” Tess said. “I wish I’d opened up sooner.”
My sense of discomfort had been rising while Christy talked. I was comparing Tess’s clandestine conversations with Rick to the hidden communication I had carried on with Garrett. She had been brave and open in telling the truth. I felt like a coward. By avoiding the conversation with Joel for so many weeks and not sharing any of the emotional struggle with my friends, I had put myself in a prison of isolation. My heart wasn’t free.
“I need to slide out for a minute.” I nodded to the empty pitcher of lemonade. “Sorry for the bad timing.”
Chapter 18
I felt a little sick to my stomach. I wanted to blame it on the combination of the salsa and lemonade. But I knew I felt uncomfortably convicted that Joel didn’t know about Garrett.
As I locked the stall door, I wondered if Joel was still at work.
What if I left now and waited for him at the Blue Ginger? Maybe he and I could sit in the car somewhere and talk. I need to tell him the truth, the way Tess is doing with us. I need the truth to set me free of any entanglements. I need to feel connected with Joel.
I began to romanticize how meeting Joel at work would be like when we were dating. We could find a drive-through and order onion rings with packets of both mayonnaise and mustard. We would make a mess, but we wouldn’t care because we would be driving up the coast highway with the moon over us and Joel’s annoying country music turned as low as I could convince him.
We would pull over at Huntington Beach, and we would talk. I would tell him everything. He would open up his heart to me, and we both would understand what the other was feeling. We would kiss. Then we would drive home feeling like we were “us” again.
Someone entered the restroom, startling my thoughts back to reality. I knew conversations, particularly this one, couldn’t be that easy with Joel anymore. If I tried to talk to him tonight, he would be too tired and too stressed.
“Jennalyn?”
I stepped out of the stall and saw Christy waiting by the sink. She smiled and asked if I was all right. I nodded and washed my hands. I could have said something more to her. I could have told her what was going on in my head and heart right then. But I didn’t. Instead I asked how she was doing.
“Me? I’m good. Why?”
“I wondered if it was difficult for you to run into your old high school boyfriend.”
“It was odd. Kind of uncomfortable. Mostly I felt sad. I didn’t realize he was living here alone. I thought he and Nicole were still in New York with their daughter, Maisey.”
“Do you know his wife well?”
“Not really. Katie and Nicole were close because they were both resident assistants during college their senior year. Todd and I were already married by then, so I didn’t spend much time with them.”
I tossed my crumpled paper towel into the trash and felt a restlessness to return to the table.
Christy’s expression looked concerned. “My heart goes out to Rick and Nicole. I’m sure they had a lot of pressure on them from the TV show.”
“I can’t imagine what that would be like.”
Christy’s gaze rested on me. Her expression remained concerned. She didn’t say anything. Neither of us moved.
“Christy?”
“Yes?”
“I ran into my high school boyfriend in January.”
It was one of those moments when I heard myself say what I was really thinking, and then I stopped and looked around because I was sure someone else said it and not me.
Christy’s eyes showed how unexpected my declaration was. “The one you dated for a year?”
I nodded. “Two years.”
“When did you see him?”
“At Eden’s ballet class. His daughter was taking lessons too.”
“Was it the first time you had seen him since high school?”
I nodded.
“How did you feel?”
I didn’t have an answer for her. Not a simple one, at least. Nothing I wanted to say aloud. Much of what I felt was linked to my mom, and I realized then that I had
n’t completely separated the complex feelings yet in my own heart and mind.
“He apologized to me for how he ended the relationship.”
I found it easier to offer Christy a report than an answer about my feelings. I wanted to wrap up my unexpected confession with a quick, positive summary. “I appreciated it. I had forgiven him years ago, though.”
Christy seemed to study my expression. “Was he at the class every week? Or did you only see him the one time?”
“He was there off and on. At the last class he gave me some photos he had of my mom.”
“Of your mom? That seems odd,” Christy said.
“His mom recently passed away, and that’s how he came across them. They were of our moms together at the beach.” I swallowed and forced a smile. “I’m glad he gave them to me.”
“How was it? Seeing him and being around him?”
I shrugged, trying to minimize the topic since Christy clearly wanted to explore it more deeply. “It was okay. A couple of the conversations were sort of clumsy.”
“So, you had several conversations with him?”
I nodded. “But now that the classes are over, I don’t expect to see him again.”
“What did Joel say when you told him?”
“I haven’t really talked to him about it. Not that there’s anything to tell.”
Christy tilted her head as if she wasn’t convinced.
“You know how Joel has been so busy at work.”
“You’re going to tell him, though, aren’t you?”
“Yes. Absolutely.”
“Jennalyn, I think you need to tell him soon.” Christy still looked concerned. “What if Joel had seen an old girlfriend a number of times and the two of them had a serious conversation? You would want to know, wouldn’t you?”
I hadn’t thought of it that way before. If the tables were turned, I would be hurt as well as suspicious if Joel hadn’t told me right away. I felt my heart pounding faster and scrambled to justify the circumstances.
“Joel and Garrett met at the first class, but I wasn’t there. They talked to each other as if they were just two dedicated dads.” I laughed nervously.
“Jennalyn…” Christy’s expression seemed as intense as it was when she said she was worried about Rick and Nicole. “Relationships in all stages of life are complicated. Emotional connections are hard to break. You need to tell Joel.”
“I know,” I said quickly.
“These things can turn into big misunderstandings. You don’t want Joel caught off guard if the two of you happen to run into Garrett.”
“You’re right.”
“Just promise me you’ll talk to him soon,” Christy said. “I have a nervous feeling about this.”
I appreciated that Christy was taking my personal issues to heart, but it made me uncomfortable. I had told her very little, and yet she seemed to be right in the center of everything I had been going through and processing for the past month and a half.
“Don’t be nervous for me.” I tried to sound lighthearted. “I honestly don’t think it’s going to be a big deal. There’s not much to say.”
“Maybe not.” Christy tried to offer me a smile, but it was a weak one. “Whatever there is to say, it needs to be said. You and I are both experienced at holding our feelings in for a long time and not sorting out what’s true and what’s a trap.”
I was finding it difficult to keep my expression clear and not leak any of my complex feelings or details about the midnight conversations with Garrett. Christy’s approach was gentle as always. It was clear, though, that she had picked up hints of my struggles.
She reached over and gave my arm a squeeze. “I’m always available if you ever want to talk. You know that.”
“Yes. I do.”
We headed back to the table, two introverts who had communicated volumes with a handful of sentences and a lot of unspoken, friend-to-friend, heart-to-heart understanding.
I felt some relief from having blurted out the truth about seeing Garrett and hearing Christy’s concerned counsel. In a way, the pressure valve of my secret was released. Now all I needed to do was tell Joel.
For a moment, I wondered if what I had shared with Christy would be considered a partial disclosure, like Tess had talked about.
But my situation with Garrett is nothing like Tess’s with Rick. I’m probably making too big a deal out of this. It’s over. Once I talk with Joel, it will be done. Done and gone from my life. Not a big deal.
“We learned something interesting about Christy while you two were gone,” Emily told me when I slid into the booth. “Did you know that Christy was a cheerleader in high school?”
I must have looked as surprised as Tess and Emily had been. I never would have pictured our reserved, not necessarily athletic Christy as a high school cheerleader.
Christy’s face turned crimson. “No, not true! I tried out. But, no, I was never a cheerleader.”
“Oh, I thought you were. It is true, isn’t it, that Rick was the one who convinced you to try out?” Sierra asked.
Christy nodded. “Rick can be convincing.”
Tess raised her glass as if silently adding her agreement. I noticed that Tess was smiling. It was good to see.
I somehow felt emotionally attached to Tess’s airy demeanor and tossed out what felt like a good conclusion to our evening of complex conversations.
“We really are all just a bunch of Daughters of Eve, aren’t we?”
“Because we’re so vulnerable?” Emily asked.
“And naive?” Christy added. I glanced at Emily and Christy, pushing back the thought that both added those descriptors because that’s how they saw me.
Tess, however, took the comments as meant for her. “I was thinking about that as we were talking tonight. Nothing is or was perfect. For me, for Eve, for all of us. Paradise lost and all that. Eve had to start over and so do I. I need to step away from Rick and all his issues to let my heart be free so I can start over.”
“I’m really glad you see it that way, Tess,” Christy said.
“Eve kept going, though,” Sierra said. “She didn’t stop giving and loving.”
“I’m not about to stop being open to love, if that’s what you’re saying. I want a man who is able to be all-in because that’s how I’m going to be when it’s the right man and the right time.” Tess looked centered. Confident. I wanted to get to that place too.
I motioned for the waiter to bring our check. Even if the others wanted to keep talking, I felt a nudge to go home.
“We paid already,” Tess said. “The three of us covered the check this time.”
“Thanks,” I said.
Christy reached for her purse. “Should we leave the tip?”
“No, we got that too.”
“We’ll cover it next time,” I said.
“Next time will be our picnic, right?” Sierra asked.
“We need to decide where we’re going to set it up,” I said. “Once we decide that, I would be happy to do everything else.”
“I’m still voting for the beach,” Sierra said. “I know this perfect little cove near Corona del Mar.”
“Then let’s have it at the beach,” Tess said. “Does everyone agree?”
The yeses were unanimous as the others slid out of the booth and we headed for the front. The manager had locked the door already and was waiting for us with the keys to let us out.
“Thank you,” we all said in a variety of tones and with a muffled ripple of laughter.
“I’ve never closed down a restaurant before,” Christy said, as we headed to the parking lot.
“First time for everything,” Tess linked her arm in mine and Emily’s. Christy and Sierra came alongside, as if we were reenacting the scene of Dorothy and her companions dancing down the
yellow brick road to Oz. The five of us strode arm in arm, in measured step, toward our cars.
“What a clear night,” Tess said.
“Stop!” Sierra ordered. “Look up!”
We stopped, arms linked. The gleaming full moon gazed down on us, and we gazed right back.
“I don’t want to ever lose any of you,” Tess said in a low voice. “You’re the closest friends I’ve ever had.”
I felt unsettled. I hadn’t been completely open and honest with Christy or any of the other DOEs the way Tess had been. I felt like I was in hiding. But I still agreed along with the others that I was right there with them, friends forever. Heart to heart.
It was just that my heart was a little encumbered right now.
“This way.” Tess pulled us toward her car. “Did you forget that I brought presents?”
“Is this going to be a thing for us?” Emily asked. “First the cute mugs from Sierra, then the handmade cards from Jennalyn. I’m really bad at coming up with ideas for gifts.”
“I’ll make it easy. Think of my presents to all of you tonight as your birthday gifts for the year.” Tess opened the back of her car and lifted the cover that hid the treasures beneath.
“Jennalyn.” Tess handed me the expensive black boatneck top she had held up to me in her studio. “This is for you.”
“Tess!”
The bounty continued as she handed out the clothing she had suggested for us at her home. Sierra burst into tears when Tess handed her the cocoa-brown leather jacket.
“It’s too much,” Sierra tried to hand it back.
“No, no, no!” Tess held up her hand. “You never protest when a sister gives you a gift. You say thank you, you give her a little kiss on the cheek, and then you wear it like you deserve to look as gorgeous on the outside as you are on the inside.”
We all cried a little, laughed a little, and gave Tess the prescribed kiss on the cheek.
As I drove home under the full moon, I wondered how different my life might have been if I had had friends like my sweet haven makers when I was in high school. I realized why I didn’t pursue close friendships then. From the end of my sophomore year until five weeks after graduation, all my free time had been spent with Garrett.
Being Known Page 17
