by Mia Ford
“I’m just tired,” I bite back. “I’m gunna leave after this one…”
“Okay, I’m just gunna say it.” Andrew bangs his beer down on the table, letting drink spill everywhere. “You have turned into a wanker, Jace. You have a sour face all the time, you don’t have the same energy on stage anymore, your mood is dragging the rest of us down too. It’s hard work.”
I open my mouth, a million and one arguments about to burst free from my mouth, but they end up dying away. I don’t have anything to say, I am all those things, I do feel that way, I am behaving like that. And they’ve noticed it too. I wasn’t sure they would have, but they can see right through me.
“I need to go,” I murmur while pushing the drink away from me. “I can’t be here.”
“Oh, don’t go.” Jed reaches out to me but his hand only just scrapes my arm. “Don’t be like that, Andrew was just kidding, he didn’t quite mean it like it came out. We just want to talk to you…”
I shake my head, I can’t talk to any of them, we don’t have that kind of relationship, we never have. Plus, I can barely explain what the fuck is going on inside of me to myself, never mind anyone else.
I stalk off, I walk towards the exit without looking back at any of them. I can feel the thick hush behind me, all of their gaze’s prickle at the back of my neck, their confusion as I walk off. But I still go. I need to be away from all this chaos, all this noise, all these things that are irritating me. I can’t stand any of it…
“Oh, Jace!” As if the universe can sense that one more thing will tip me over the edge, a fan jumps on me and wraps herself around me. “I can’t believe that you’re here, I saw your show, it was amazing.”
“I, yeah.” I want to be a dick but I can’t. I can’t upset one of the people who have supported the band through our journey. If it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have any of the incredible things that I do. “Thanks.”
“Can I buy you a drink?” She doesn’t let go of me as if she’s afraid that I’ll run. I might, she’s right. “Or maybe you should buy me one since you are the rich and famous rock star.”
I force out a laugh but it doesn’t quite come out in the way that I want it to. “Erm, actually I have to go…”
“Oh, but you are known for partying!” She pouts. “You guys are wild, aren’t you? You can’t honestly tell me that you’re going to bed at this time.” She runs her finger down my chest. “At least not alone.”
Once upon a time this would have been music to my ears, but that person isn’t me anymore. I slowly peel her hands off and edge towards the door. But she follows me. She’s persistent, but a lot of them are.
“I really do need to leave,” I insist. “I have some stuff going on that I need to be ready for…”
“But the rest of the band are still here. You can stay with them surely?”
“No, this is something that I need to do by myself.”
She continues to stay by my side until we reach the exit of the bar where we’re greeted by an unwelcome but all too familiar sight. Camera flashes. Somehow, the press has found us. Well, I say somehow, the Internet is a bitch for that. Someone posts a picture on their social media with their location turned on and the vultures consume us. The woman by my side clings to me and smiles at the camera like she’s my girlfriend or something, almost as if she planned this. Tomorrow morning, that’s what the press will be saying about us, and it might not even take that long. Things can be uploaded at the click of a button, there’s no escaping it.
Remembering the rest of the boys from the band and the reputation of The Puppeteers, I raise one hand into a wave and smile. I need to keep playing nice for a little while longer.
One more show, I remind myself. Once that’s done, it’s rest time. No matter what Bill says, I’m having time off. I will get as long as I can because I really fucking need a goddamn break right now.
“Aren’t you going to answer the questions?” my companion hisses at me, as if she knows me.
“What questions?” I can barely hear them; it’s all just noise to me.
“They are asking how long we’ve been together.”
“What do you want me to do? Tell them the truth? That we met three seconds ago?”
She tuts and shakes her head, clearly annoyed with me, but I don’t care. I don’t know her; I don’t owe her anything. She clearly wants to cling to me for some fame but that isn’t going to persuade me of anything.
“Okay, so I’ll just stay silent then.” I nod determinedly. “Best way.”
I stay for as long as I can hack it, having photographs taken of me with this random woman wrapped around me, but eventually I peel away and I leave. Thankfully, I’m more interesting with other people than I am by myself so no one follows me. The vultures have what they want, now it’s time to pick it apart.
I sigh loudly and shake my head as I stroll off to another anonymous hotel room where I will spend the night alone just waiting for a call from Billy about the next woman I’ve been pictured with. He used to get really stressed about it, he wanted us to be perpetually single because it gave the fans the illusion that they could actually be with us, but it never worked. We can’t seem to help getting pictured no matter what we do.
Now, he just gets pissy about it and he tells us that no one can stick around for long. Dating is okay, it’s the long-term that’s the real issue. That’s when fans feel really isolated from us.
Ring, ring… I roll my eyes. Just like clockwork.
“Hello, Billy,” I say wearily in to the phone. “Sorry about that.”
“Who is she?” he demands tartly.
“I don’t know, she just started talking to me in the bar and wouldn’t leave me alone.”
“Well, according to this report she’s an upcoming YouTuber so you might want to watch out. She sounds fame hungry to me. She will be one who takes pictures of you naked.”
“She won’t get to see me naked. I’m headed back to the hotel room alone.”
“You’re going back now?” He sounds stunned to the core. “That isn’t like you.”
“No, I know…” I trail off. I don’t really have anything to say to that.
“Okay well… yeah, get some rest and… I suppose I’ll see you bright and early in the morning.”
I almost don’t want to let him go because I need someone to talk to, but since we haven’t ever been exactly the best of friends, I push that thought to once side. I’ll be fine. After tomorrow’s show, I’ll be good.
“Yep, see you then!”
I make it to the hotel room without any more incidents and I collapse onto the bed. There isn’t a crack in the ceiling here, but I know the carpet underneath the chair is stained. The imperfection has been found.
Bleep, bleep.
I grab my cell phone, half expecting it to be more stuff from Billy, but to my surprise it’s an email from someone I’d almost forgotten emailing.
Dear Jace,
Thank you for your email to Hayley Spraggon’s Dating Agency. We would love to set up a meeting with you. I understand that your job keeps you away a lot, but do you have any free dates in the next month so we can get you written in the diary? We look forward to working with you and finding your match.
Thank you very much.
Hayley Spraggon.
I didn’t give away too much about myself when I filled in the application because I didn’t want anything to get leaked, and to be honest I wasn’t sure that I was going to go through with the plan anyway. I know that it’s utterly crazy, probably the weirdest thing that I’ll ever do, but I’m not sure what else to do. Every attempt at communication has gone completely ignored up until this point and I really don’t know what else to do.
There has to be a reason that I can’t forget about her, that I haven’t moved on. Maybe if this works out the way that I’m hoping it will, it’ll give me closure, or perhaps it will lead to something that I don’t dare dream about. I’m not sure, but if I don’t know then I’ll
always wonder ‘what if’ and I won’t ever be able to get out of this rut. I can’t go on feeling this way forever.
I fire off an email back to the dating agency, stating the date that I’ll be done with the tour. It seems I won’t be heading back to my LA mansion once I’m done, but I’ll be paying a visit to my mother instead. She still lives near where I went to college, where I met Addie, and where she still lives now, so I can head to the dating agency from there. I’m sure my mom will be glad to see me too, she hasn’t had much time with me since I started touring all the time.
It means Billy will have to give me a break, and once that time is over, I will know one way or another what I’m going to do next with my life. I’ll start with Addie and work out everything else out afterwards. Knowing that is the first time that I’ve felt even a scrap of relief in a very long time. I just hope that feeling isn’t misplaced and I manage to fly free from this cage, one way or another.
5
ADDISON
“I can’t believe it!” Luci squeals with excitement. “They sent you three profiles already! It’s only been a few days. You must be compatible with so many people and you’ve just been looking in all the wrong places.”
Or not looking at all, I think to myself, not that I’m going to say that aloud. “Hmm yeah, well now I just…”
She snatches the phone away from me and looks at the profiles I’ve been sent. “This is the good part. This is the bit where you get to choose which ones you want to go on a date with.”
“What if I don’t want to go on a date with any of them? They might be all awful.”
Luci tuts at me. “You have to go out with at least one. This is an experiment, remember? You don’t even need to like the guy that much, you just need to see what a date is like. I bet you don’t even remember.”
I don’t think this is the time to admit that I haven’t ever really been on a date at all before. Jace and I were just drawn to each other, like magnets. There wasn’t any awkwardness. Being together was as easy as breathing air, it was as if we’d known each other forever. I don’t have any experience at all.
“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” I muse thoughtfully. “Maybe I do need some practice.”
“So, let’s look through these. Let’s see what we can find out about these guys and pick some that appeal to you. Let’s just focus on having something in common with these men first, so you’ll have something to talk about. They have small pictures too, but we’ll look at them second because you know, looks aren’t everything.”
That has to be a dig at my ex because he was just so handsome. But that wasn’t the only reason I chose him. It wasn’t just for his face, I loved him as well… not that this is the best time to remember how amazing he was. He did break my heart after all, I can’t just push that to one side. That’s what destroyed us.
And that’s why I need to move on.
“Okay, let’s pick some guys.” I nod with sheer determination. “Have some practice dates.”
Luci rubs my arm with a kindness to her touch. “I am so proud of you for this. You’re doing the right thing. You’ll feel so much better for this, trust me. You’re a great person, Addison, and you deserve some love.”
Her words touch me deeply and I feel a surge of determination with them. I only need to do one tiny online search of Jace (not that I do it often) to see that he isn’t exactly waiting around for me. I’m a forgotten memory for him. I can’t hook my whole life on something that happened forever ago.
“Okay, I’m ready. Let’s do this. God, I don’t know what I’d do without you, Luci.”
“Luckily, you won’t ever have to find out.”
We spend the next hour scrolling through the profiles and examining them closely. It’s surprisingly fun. Luci makes me laugh the whole time which takes a lot of stress off my shoulders. I think that I’ve started to believe that love has to be this painful, very serious thing. I forgot that you can have fun with too.
“So, we have three!” Luci finally declares happily. “And I think you should ask Hayley to set up dates with all three. You don’t want to start with just one, especially when you’re as inexperienced as you are. You need to get out there and connect with as many different people as possible.”
“Three dates.” I try to ignore the racing of my pulse. “That’s a bit overwhelming.”
“You don’t have to do them all together. Ask Hayley to spread them out. She will, she’s there to work for you, that’s what you’re paying her for. Don’t worry too much about it.”
I nod slowly. Since I made Luci delete that status almost as soon as she posted it, I don’t think anyone saw it which also takes the pressure off a bit. I don’t want anyone to know what I’m doing, for me, it’s really personal. I’m not particularly concerned about my parents. Since they’ve retired, they are always on some cruise or another with barely any phone signal, nevermind Internet connection. They are cut off from the world and that’s how they like it. It’s everyone else that I don’t want to know about what I’m up to.
No, it’s just me, Luci, Hayley, and whatever guys I date, and since they’re in it too I’m sure they will want to keep it to themselves. This is purely an anonymous way to expand my horizons.
“So, what do I do now?” I ask while looking at the pictures of the three guys I’ve chosen. Thankfully, none of them share any of the qualities that a certain lead guitarist and singer from a certain band had. It’ll be fine.
“Send an email to Hayley. See what happens from there.”
Luci eyes me expectantly which makes me send the email right away. It’s good really, I don’t want to give myself any time to talk myself out of it. I word the email carefully, letting Hayley know that I don’t want to be overloaded with dates, but that I would like to go out with Harrison, Max, and Bradley if they are up for it.
Moments later, I get a reply.
“Oh, Luci, she’s going to contact the guys, see if they want to go out with me, then let me know when she can set something up. She’s also invited me to something called a singles mixer, should I go?”
“No way!” Luci shakes her head hard. “You aren’t ready for a mixer. Let’s just do the dates first.”
“What’s a mixer?” I can’t help but be curious. “And why am I not ready?”
“It’s like a party but only single people are invited. As I’m sure you can imagine, it quickly turns in to a meat market where people are all about hooking up. I just don’t think that’s what you want.”
I shudder and fire off a response, thanking Hayley for her work on the dates but turning down the mixer. Luci is right about that one, I’m not ready. I need to learn to trust her more. Her intuition is always spot on.
“Okay, done.” A horrible thought strikes me hard. “What if all the guys say no? What if they don’t like me?”
“So what?” Luci shrugs, all blasé. “Does it matter? Not everyone is everyone else’s cup of tea.”
“No, I know, but…” She’s right, again. “But it will be a confidence knock.”
Luci rests a hand on my shoulder. “Honey, dating is all about getting your confidence knocked. Especially in this day and age, but don’t worry, you’ll soon learn to pick yourself back up again.”
If my past is anything to go on then I’m not too sure I will easily pick myself up, but I suppose I have to start somewhere, so why not here and now? I don’t have much to lose and I could gain a lot.
“Okay.” I breathe deep and try to steady myself. “Yeah, I can do this. It’s going to be fine.”
“Exactly.” Luci squeezes my hand reassuringly and smiles. “I’ll be there for you; you don’t need to worry.”
“L uci, I am worried,” I hiss while raking my fingers through my hair. “And it isn’t going to be fine.”
“Why are you whispering?” she giggles back, her voice crackling a little through the phone.
“Because I’m at work and I don’t want anyone to hear me. This is already crazy enough.�
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“Addison, you are dating. You’re making it sound like you’re becoming a hooker.”
A heat creeps right the way up through my body. All the way from my toes to my head. I’m probably a frightening shade of red by now. Thank goodness my office door is locked and no one can come in. It’s a shame the same couldn’t be said for the moment I received the dreaded email from Hayley. I was in a meeting with Luke talking about how well Sandra is doing when it arrived and I squealed like a mad person.
I don’t know if Luke will ever view me as a professional again after my stupid stuttering excuse.
“So, you have a date tonight with Harrison…”
“Max,” I correct her.
“Okay, Max then, it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.”
“But it’s a bit quick, isn’t it? I thought I would have a bit more time.”
“You don’t need more time. You have had six years; you need to rip the BAND-AID off.”
“I don’t feel ready.” I flap my hands anxiously as I pace around the office. “I don’t think I can do it.”
“You can and you will. Talk through your worries with me.”
“Okay, okay, yes, break them down.” I gulp noisily. “Break my worries down, that’s the best way.”
“So, what are you panicking about right now?”
“Outfit,” I blurt out in the heat of the moment, just focusing on anything. “Yeah, I don’t know what the hell I’m going to wear. I haven’t got any time to pick out my clothes. I should cancel…”
“You are not cancelling. I will pick you out something to wear.”
“You… you will?” I don’t know how I feel about that. “What are you going to get for me?”
Luci laughs loudly. Too loudly, the whole office can probably hear it. I block my hand over the receiver as if someone cares enough to listen. “Don’t worry, Addison, I will just get you something nice to wear. Not something slutty, something nice, the sort of thing that normal people wear. Trust me.”
