by J Grace
Keep it together, keep it together.
My knees were weak, but I managed to stay on my feet.
“Ow! You didn’t have to hit me!” A soft yet shocked feminine voice cried as she peered up at me through her violet left eye, the right covered by her hand.
“Well, you didn’t have to jump out at me like that either!” I half screamed, half stuttered. I was having a hard time catching my breath from my heart being in my throat. I had never done that before- lash out physically or verbally. It just wasn’t done in my house no matter what was said or done to me, but a different kind of fear had taken over: the fear for my life. We stayed there staring at each other, her trying to figure out why I hit her and me trying to figure out what kind of lunatic I was going to be sharing a floor with. Suddenly I was aware of four other people standing around us.
“For fucks sake, Avery! We told you not to scare the girl!” A deep voice boomed and I turned to see a giant standing to my left. Taller than even Zachery, he stood at least 6’6” and he was unbelievably good looking. He had medium brown skin, cropped hair, large coffee brown eyes, broad nose, and full lips. He was wide and muscular. I felt like a small child in his presence. I immediately wanted to curl up in his arms and hide.
What the?
His eyes met mine and he smiled.
DIMPLES!! He has dimples too! Oh my God, Marjorie! You’ve never paid attention to boys before and suddenly every boy you meet has you all hot and bothered. Get it together!
“Sorry about Avery. She can be a little…extreme sometimes,” He ground out still meeting my eyes.
Is he staring because I’m staring? Oh God Marjorie, look away!
“Funny, you mean funny,” Avery said, pulling my eyes to her, still sitting on the floor clutching her eye.
“Do you see anyone laughing here, Avery?” He waved his arms around exasperatedly as his stare swung her way. He was clearly annoyed with her antics.
“Whatever, Malcolm. Some people have a sense of humor. Not you, obviously, but some people,” Avery said, rising to her feet. She was about my height but curvier with purple streaked black hair, almond-shaped eyes rimmed with thick lashes, a cute upturned nose, plump cheeks with a smattering of freckles and bow tie lips. Avery was definitely not a boy.
So what’s with the girls on her door? I get the cats, but half-naked girls? OH!
I felt a niggle of something in my belly.
Really, Marjorie? Girls too!?
I had just missed what she said, but Malcolm opened his mouth to respond only to be cut off by Nurse Astrid.
“Okay! That’s enough, you two. We can discuss it in group. For now, let’s get back on track. Okay?” She looked between Malcolm and Avery when they both nodded she turned to me. “Are you alright, Marjorie?”
“Is she alright? I’m the one who got punched!” Avery shrieked still covering her eye.
I didn’t hit her that hard. I’m not strong enough.
“Yes, and let that be a lesson to you, Avery,” Nurse Astrid chastised, hands-on-hips, before turning back to me.
“I’m fine. And I’m sorry. I just don’t like being scared.”
“Noted,” Avery mumbled. We stood there for what seemed like a millennia before a hand was stuck in my face.
“Hi, I’m Bodie. I promise I’m not as moody or attention seeking as these two,” Both Avery and Malcolm rolled their eyes at his comment. Bodie was about 5’10” and a little on the chubby side, but, I mean, in comparison to Zachery and Malcolm who wouldn’t be. He had honey-colored blonde hair that flopped over his sky blue eyes, a Roman nose and a bigger bottom lip than his top one. His skin was tan and he smelled like sunblock so he must be an outdoorsman. His voice was gravelly, but it suited him. He seemed friendly and more ‘in control’ so I couldn’t imagine what he would be doing here. I hesitantly shook his hand. It was soft and it didn’t feel as weird to touch him as I thought it would. It was almost comforting.
“I’m Marjorie,” I whispered, feeling my face flush under his stare.
“And, I’m Zachery,” he boomed from my side, the heat from his body smacked into me as his arm brushed against mine. Bodie dropped my hand immediately, probably intimidated by the narrowed gaze of Zachery.
Is this a dominance thing?
“Oh, WOW! You’re Hot!” Avery gushed at Zachery. All eyes swung her way.
Attention seeker.
“Don’t get me wrong, I don’t bat for your team,” she said side-eyeing me, “Doesn’t mean I can’t see what’s right in front of me,” she shrugged noncommittally.
“I guess we still have some work to do on timing and appropriateness, don’t we Avery?” Nurse Astrid admonished. Avery smiled sheepishly, “Now that we’ve all been introduced, why don’t we head down to the dining room for lunch,” Without another word we all filed through the double doors, into the elevator and down to the dining room.
The dining room wasn’t that big so it shouldn’t have shocked me that it was full, but it did. As soon as we entered all eyes were on us. More specifically Zachery and myself. My stomach dropped violently. I hated those questioning stares that always seemed to follow me. If I had been naked I wouldn’t have felt more exposed than I did right now. I stopped at the entrance unable to go any further when Bodie came up beside me. “Hey, I know it’s a lot, but they’re not gonna bite. Biters are on B schedule,” He winked at me and I felt a little bit of my desire to run in the opposite direction fade, “Seriously though the whispers and stares will be hard to deal with at first, you might even have a few…altercations, if you’re like me, but then, before you know it, it all stops. And who knows, you might even make a friend or two,” His words were comforting and I appreciated them more than I could say at the moment, so I just nodded and moved forward keeping my eyes trained on the line the rest of my floormates were standing in. When I got there I let out the breath I was holding. I couldn’t wait for this day to be over and it was only noon. ‘I can do this. I can do this’ was quickly becoming my mantra.
Lunch was uneventful for the most part. After we got our food and sat at a secluded table near the back I began to feel less uncomfortable. I was surprisingly hungry and ate all of the food that I was served.
“So where are you from Marjorie?” Avery asked in between bites of her french fries. I was taken aback by the question- no one had ever asked me about me before. And I certainly didn’t appreciate the attention her question placed upon me.
“Garland,” I said quickly, hoping she would take my curtness as a sign to not ask any more questions. She didn’t.
“How old are you?”
“Seventeen.”
Please stop.
“What kinds of stuff did you do there?”
“Huh?” My legs were bouncing like crazy under the table trying to keep the nervous energy under control.
“Well, like what’s in Garland? I’ve never been there.”
“Uh...I don’t know.” she must have seen how uncomfortable her questions were making me because she stopped, but not before she gave me a sad look, turning her attention to Zachery.
“What about you Zach, where are you from?”
“Buckingham. Seventeen. Small town and there is absolutely nothing fun to do there.” His reply was just as curt as mine.
“Geeze, tough crowd,” Avery mumbled under her breath.
“Well, they just got here Avery. How about you let them settle in a day or two before you ask about their life stories.” She rolled her eyes.
“How about you shut up and mind your own business, Malcolm. I wasn’t talking to you.”
“I was minding my own business, it’s you who wasn’t.”
“Where are you from, Avery?” Zachery asked, pulling Avery’s attention away from what would have no doubt escalated.
I really don’t want to have to hear them arguing all day.
“Richardson, these two boneheads are from Dallas. Looks like we’re all the same age.”
I spent the next half
hour listening to Bodie, Avery and Malcolm make small talk. Well, Avery and Malcolm argued mostly while Bodie played referee. The tension was thick between them and it seemed to be coming mostly from Avery. By the time lunch was over I was exhausted. Bodie, Avery and Malcolm had all left for their scheduled activities leaving Zachery and I sitting at the table awkwardly side-eyeing each other. My eyelids were feeling heavy and my stomach was in knots.
Should I get up and leave? Would that be rude?
“So. You think maybe we know some of the same people? I mean our school teams play each other and you look a little familiar.”
Was he nervous too?
Suddenly my mouth went dry and my thoughts began to form irregular patterns leaving me sitting there staring at him like he was speaking a foreign language, “It’s okay if you don’t want to talk. I didn’t mean to pry.”
“Oh, um. No. It’s not that.” I forced out, “No, I don’t think we know any of the same people. I didn’t have a lot of friends, so it’s very unlikely.” He nodded, a look of ‘now what?’ crossing his handsome face. I blushed from embarrassment when he caught me staring at him. I felt like such an idiot, just like my mom said I was. I had to get out of there before he could ask me another question, “I’m tired so I think I’m just gonna head up to my room and nap or something. But thanks.”
Thanks? What the hell are you thanking him for? God, I’m hopeless.
And then like the weirdo I am I just sat there. Mercifully he took pity on me.
“Yeah, no problem. See ya later.” He gave me a polite smile then got up from the table and walked off.
Ugh! Why am I so awkward!
I sat there for a few more minutes hoping not to run into him at the elevator. Thankfully the landing was empty so the ride up was easy. When I entered the common room I noticed that his door was closed and the others were all open so he must have come straight up. I felt bad, after all he was in a new place too and he had been kind to me, but I couldn’t deal with anything else right now.
Maybe tomorrow. Maybe never.
I entered my room and noticed the box was still sitting in the middle of the bed. I had forgotten about the box, but I didn’t feel like going through it. I picked it up and moved it to the back corner of the room. It was heavy so I knew it wasn’t empty, but the thought of seeing what my parents' idea of what was important to me made me a little sick. In truth, they never cared to know anything about me other than the little information that is required. Everything else they just made up themselves and then told me. And because I didn’t want to incite my mother’s ceaseless anger I just went along. Sierra was the only one who ever asked me what I thought, liked, or wanted. She was the only one who ever tried to learn about me. Even my brother got frustrated with me as we grew older. Or at least I grew to believe his indifference to me was born from frustration. The fear of never finding that connection with someone else was real. I needed that in my life. I needed someone. But how could I ever find that if I couldn’t even make complete coherent thoughts that form sentences around other people? Tears trickled down my cheeks as I thought of Sierra and how she always made me feel whole. She never treated me like I was broken. Sure, sometimes I could tell that she struggled with me, especially as we got older and she started to branch out into other things, but she never made me feel bad for being me. And then a thought hit me: Am I looking for someone to fill a void that she left? Do I want a best friend or a savior? I realized then that I placed a heavy burden on Sierra. I shouldn’t have been so dependent on her. It wasn’t her job to make me feel whole, but that’s what she did without complaint or hesitation because she wanted to, right? Did I abuse our friendship? Did I expect too much from her? There were so many times when I was past my breaking point, teetering on the edge, that she would drop everything for me. And I would let her because what I needed was more important. My need for her was more important than some silly party. But was it really? What made my life more important than hers? There were no boundaries between us but there should have been. She always put me first, I always put me first. I called and she came running...just like that night.
Tears started to flow fast and heavy. That overwhelming feeling settled over me again, but without Sierra what was I going to do? How was I going to cope? I needed the touch of her hand on my shoulder or the warmth of her body, the soft soothing sounds of her breathing as she held me while I cried. I needed her like a baby needs a security blanket.
Did I turn her into a living security blanket?
After she died I did everything I could to make myself small, invisible to everyone and soon people forgot I even existed, not that they had really noticed me before. I only went to school or church. I re-read my favorite series a lot, I wrote a lot, I slept a lot, I cried a lot.
My mom had left me alone for a while, but I waited for it every day and every night I went to sleep more worried that it would come the next day, only worse. For three months that’s how I lived at home until the day she came back with a vengeance. She threw everything at me that she had been holding back for those months and left me decimated. I had thought about ending it all that night too; instead, I cried myself to sleep wrapped in Sierra’s favorite blanket that her parents gave me after her funeral. Her scent had already faded, but it was hers and I needed her, any part of her. I still need her.
NO! I hate feeling like this. I don’t want to miss my best friend because of what she did for me. It isn’t right! She was so much more than that!
I shut my eyes tightly and wrapped my arms around my legs to try and soothe myself but it wasn’t working.
I’m tired of being weak, I’m tired of being needy, I’m tired of never feeling like I’m enough.
I tried to focus on a thought or memory, as it was slowly becoming the only way that I could see and hear Sierra clearly in my mind anymore. But now they were all jumbled together. I thought about looking in the box thinking, hoping, that maybe my mom would have put the blanket in there, but I couldn’t move from the position I had squeezed into.
I can do this. I can do this!
And then finally a memory came flooding through me of another time in my life that I felt like I had no one.
“Mommy, I don’t want to go! Please don’t make me go!” I screamed as tears ran down my face like a river.
“Marjorie, you have to go. You’re five now, and we can’t put this off any longer. We’ve been working towards this day for a year now, sweetheart. I know you’re scared, but that’s normal. I promise you will be fine.” She was using that voice again, the fake one, her eyes darting around to the other parents dropping off their children.
“Mommy, please!” She doesn’t understand! I’m so scared, and she doesn’t even care. I think she’s glad to be rid of me!
“That’s enough, Marjorie Marie! You’re embarrassing me!” She chastised through clenched teeth as she grabbed my bicep and squeezed hard enough that I knew there’d be a bruise later. That’s what she did when she needed me to calm down, giving me a reason to focus on pain instead of my fears.“Go inside and sit down. Pay attention to your teacher and behave. Do not disappoint me.” She released my arm and turned away from me. Leaving her silent threat hovering over my head. I stood at the doorway watching her retreat from me. I think I even heard her say ‘finally’. She didn’t even kiss me goodbye or tell me that she loved me.
“Hi.” A soft voice whispered to me from behind. I turned and saw the most beautiful girl standing before me. She was shorter than me by a few inches, but she had the most amazing smile and kindest brown eyes I’d ever seen. “I’m Sierra. What’s your name?” She even sounded like an angel.
“Marjorie,” I whispered as I wiped the tears from my eyes.
“Come inside and get a tissue.” She grabbed my hand, and it was like nothing I’d ever felt before. There was no malice in her touch. I immediately calmed down. The fuzziness cleared from my head and I could breathe. Sierra was like sunshine and bubbles and everything that I wasn
’t. I couldn’t stop staring at her, wishing I could be like her. “Here you go.” She handed me a tissue, and I blew my nose with my free hand, not wanting to lose contact with her.
“Why don’t we look for your name? Do you know how to read your name?” I nodded. I had learned to read at four with the help of my older brother, Carson. He was the only one to ever have the patience to deal with me. He would read to me for hours, showing me the words and helping me spell until one day I didn’t need him anymore. Reading was the only thing that gave me peace…before today. Sierra and I continued to hold hands until we found my name written on the desk.
“That’s my name,” I said pointing to the desk.
“Oh, good! We’re sitting right next to each other!” She turned to me and gave me the warmest smile. “We’re gonna be best friends, I can tell!” I wanted to believe her but I didn’t know how. I wasn’t used to such exuberance and kindness. Even my brother was melancholic in his treatment of me lately. I tried to fight her joyfulness, but I just couldn't, and I found I didn't want to. I wanted to bathe in her light.
For the rest of the day, whenever the pressure of change threatened to overwhelm me, Sierra would grab my hand and smile at me. She never tried to push me or question me. She was just there to comfort me. I don’t know how she knew what I needed; maybe it was her superpower or maybe she needed me as much as I needed her, though she didn’t seem to be the needy type. Either way, it was easily the best day of my life. From that moment on her friendship was the only consistent thing in my life, until she died.
I must have been crying loudly because I didn’t even notice that someone had entered my room until I felt a warm body pressed against my back, and strong arms as they wrapped around me. It was Zachery. I don’t know how I knew it was him, I just did.
“No, Zachery, let me go!” I yelled as I squirmed out of his embrace and ran into the bathroom slamming the door behind me, slinking to the cold tile below.
