by J Grace
“Lately I’ve been feeling torn about Sierra. Don’t get me wrong, she was the best best friend I could ever have, but... maybe... she enabled me? Not on purpose, but… I think maybe part of her liked that I needed her. I don’t know. Maybe we used each other. Maybe we had just grown so used to our roles in each other’s lives that there was no way for us to break away. Maybe I’m just being stupid and reading too much into it. I mean, she was a kid like me, what did she know about all this? No, I’m wrong, she did the best she could for me and I shouldn’t be talking badly about her. It isn’t right. She isn’t here to defend herself.” My heart was beating wildly in my chest and I was starting to feel sick. Bile was rising inside me and I could feel the heat in my throat that always preceded throwing up. The edge of my vision was starting to dim and I would black out soon if I didn’t calm down.
“Breathe slowly Marjorie; in through your nose, out through your mouth. Close your eyes and focus on your breaths as they rise and fall. No matter how hard it is, keep breathing.” Dr. Banner’s voice was calm and smooth, not a hint of anger or frustration in her voice. My breathing stabilized and my heart no longer pounded in my ears.
“Are you alright now Marjorie?” I opened my eyes and focused on my hands. I shook my head no.
“I’m a terrible friend for trying to turn this on Sierra.”
“You feel how you feel Marjorie. Right or wrong, every feeling that you have is valid and needs to be explored. That is the point of you being here after all- to figure out who or what is holding you back and causing the inner turmoil manifesting in anxiety.” She let me absorb her words then continued. “Sometimes self-reflection is ugly and painful, but I promise you that what you find on the other side if you do it honestly, will be worth it. You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be listened to, you deserve to be accepted, and you deserve to be loved.” The tears sprang from my eyes and I bowled over as the sobs wracked my body. I felt her warm hands on my back. She didn’t say anything, she didn’t have to- her touch was enough. On days that were worse than the others Sierra would sit with me and hold me until I was calm again. She always seemed to know when those days would be. Eventually, when I learned not to go out of my way to please my parents, I stopped having those days. Dr. Banner’s touch reminded me.
How could I have forgotten?
I was no longer crying, but I couldn’t stop shaking. Sierra wasn’t the problem, she never was. I knew that now. I had forgotten so much of what Sierra did for me when I had no one else. I would never forget it again.
Dr. Banner and I sat there for a few minutes as I came to terms with my feelings and memories of Sierra. “Do you want to keep talking Marjorie?” I did, but I didn’t know if I could. “Listen, you’re right. She was only a girl, as were you. She did the best she could and yes, maybe she liked that you needed her. We all like knowing that we are needed, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t love you and truly want to be there for you in your time of need. Sometimes we can misconstrue a person's intent with their actions because the two aren’t always as they seem, nor are they always black and white. Life is lived in shades of gray, whether our hearts and minds believe that or not. Life cares little for our suffering, happiness, confusion, or understanding; that’s why it goes on with or without us. I know that it’s harsh, but life is full of harsh truths and it does no one any good to pretend otherwise.” I sat up, feeling a little better from her validation, but as I calmed, the lack of sleep from the night before hit me. “I think we should stop here. We’ve discussed a lot and you need time to process everything that was said.”
“Okay.” I nodded and then rose from the couch and walked out of her office letting my body’s autopilot take over.
Dr. Banner gave me a lot to digest and I honestly didn’t know if I would be able to any time soon, but I’d really come to appreciate her honesty and her treating me as a person capable of understanding and deserving of respect. I had run the gamut of feelings during this one on one- excitement, trepidation, devastation and finally peace. I had never felt so heavy and so light in my life. But more than anything I was no longer conflicted with my feelings about Sierra, for now at least.
As I lay in my bed, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Dr. Banner said.
Masturbation.
It was normal and natural. Like breathing. Still, I couldn’t quite get over the ick factor of it all, but maybe I was just getting in my own way. Making up excuses. Giving in to fear. Could I really enjoy touching myself like that? I mean, she was right. I should learn what I like before I expect someone else to meet those expectations.
I am here to learn about myself after all, right?
But how did I go about this? Do I watch a sexy movie or read a steamy book?
All of a sudden, a memory of a conversation I had with Sierra came to me.
“Well, that was an interesting class, huh?” Sierra asked as we walked to her car after school let out.
“Uh, I guess. I didn’t really pay attention. It was too..” I trailed off trying to find the right word.
“Sexual?” Sierra teased as she unlocked the car doors.
“Yeah, I guess.” My cheeks had turned a ridiculous shade of pink and were hot to the touch.
“So, what, you don’t ever think about it? Sex?” She turned the car on but let it idle as she considered my expression of shock. “Guess, not. How come? Don’t you like boys? Or girls- doesn’t make a difference to me who you like, but you should like someone by now. You’re almost seventeen, Marjorie. Don’t you ever get the urge after seeing a hot boy or girl?” Is she serious right now?
“NO! God!” my voice had reached an octave I never knew I had in me.
“Ok, sorry! Geez, you don’t have to bite my head off.” She put the car in reverse and slowly backed out of the space. We were driving down the road when she started the conversation up again. “What about masturbation?” Oh. My. GOD!!!
“Sierra, I don’t want to talk about this anymore. It’s making me uncomfortable.” I started to squirm and my stomach felt like it was in knots.
“Well, that’s the problem isn’t it Marjorie, everything makes you uncomfortable. You know it’s not wrong to do it no matter what your religious freak of a mom tries to tell you. I’d be willing to bet every kid in our school does it.” My breath caught.
“E-even you?” I couldn’t hide the shock from my voice. Sierra giggled.
“Yes, Marjorie, even me. You should really try it sometime. It might make things at home a little more bearable.”
“H-how do you do it? I mean, doesn’t it feel weird to touch yourself like that?”
“The first time, yeah, until it started to feel good. Then, I just focused on that.”
“Making yourself feel good?”
“Yes. I know that it might seem wrong or whatever, but honestly Marjorie it feels amazing, and after your first orgasm, well, you’ll want more.”
“Does it hurt?” I can't believe I'm actually entertaining this idea.
“If you’re dry, yeah, it can, but I just think about Dominic Cortez and his slick body after soccer practice and those big hands and long fingers, and I’m good to go in no time.” She looked over at me and winked. I could feel my face turn ten shades of tomato at her description.
“Ugh, that was way more than I needed to know.” She giggled at me again.
“What if I don’t have anyone to think about like that?” I was super embarrassed by this conversation, but I couldn't stop the questions from falling out of my mouth.
“Well, you could buy some KY Jelly, which I know you won’t, or you could just get your fingers wet by licking them.”
Ewww, NO!
“Okay. I’m done!” That was definitely not the answer I was expecting.
“Hey, don’t knock it till you try it.” We were quiet for a few minutes and I thought the conversation was finally over, but I was wrong.
“In all seriousness Marjorie, I think it could be a good way to release some of that
tension and fear you walk around with all day. I really do hope you consider trying it at least once. You don’t have to tell me if you do, just...if even for a few minutes you could be happy or feel good, I think it would be worth the initial discomfort of it all for you.”
She pulled up to my house seconds later and as I opened the door she grabbed my hand.
“Favorite thing ever Marjorie. This conversation. Favorite. Thing. Ever.” She let go of my hand with a smile on her face. I got out of her car and walked to my house with a sense of pride. I had pushed past my boundaries and she had noticed. As soon as I opened the front door my good feeling disappeared as a heaviness settled over me from the disapproving look on my mother’s face. In the thick of the conversation we had forgotten that Sierra was supposed to drop me off a block away. The verbal whipping I got that afternoon was one for the books. It also made me forget the conversation.
Until now.
Well, here goes nothing.
I took a breath and closed my eyes bringing forth the memory of how I felt the first time I saw Zachery. A flutter built inside my belly and I dove headfirst into the feeling. I slowly slid my hands underneath the blanket that lay atop me, feeling the soft cotton of my nightgown as my hands descended lower with each passing second. Malcolm's dimpled smile flashed before me as I pulled the hem of my nightgown up and over my hips. My heart began to beat faster with anticipation. I let out a shuddering breath when I felt the touch of my own hand on the flesh of my stomach. It tickled in an exquisite way. I could feel the dampness between my thighs and it bolstered my desire to continue. My hand dipped under the waistband of my panties and I felt the soft curls of my pubic hair slip between my fingers as they moved lower. I sighed as my fingers gently rolled across my clitoris, already damp from need that coursed through me. I thought of Zachery and those gorgeous lips and how they would feel pressed against my mouth as I eased a finger between my folds down to my throbbing center. I thought of Malcolm and his large fingers as I entered myself and I let out a low moan. I thought of Bodie and his icy blue eyes watching me as another finger slipped inside me. I thought of Avery and how it would feel to have her soft curves pressed against me; my knees bent and fell to the sides involuntarily as I continued to penetrate myself. I gave in to the need coursing through me and let it tell my hands what to do. My free hand made its way up to my breasts and my hardened nipples. I pulled them taut and rolled them between my fingers as I pulled my slick fingers from my center and rolled them over my sensitive bud, working my clitoris and body into a heated frenzy. My orgasm was building and growing stronger with each passing second and each touch of my fingers across my swollen, needy center. My hips rolled and moved against my hand as though they had a mind of their own. I felt free and unencumbered, weightless and just when I thought my body was going to erupt in flames, my orgasm crashed down on me and I saw stars. Never in my life had I imagined anything could feel so spectacular. My hands stilled as my body shook and pulsed in rhythm with the waves of pleasure coursing through every inch of my being. My soul was alight with joy; my body a vessel of pleasure. I had found my nirvana and I wanted more.
Chapter 15
Marjorie
Last night, well, yesterday really, was eye-opening for me. Such an influx of emotions and sensations. As I took a shower I couldn’t help but feel differently about how I thought about and saw my body. It was more than just a vessel of shame and suffering, it was capable of amazing mind-altering sensations and I was excited to have more of the latter. I imagined that the bubbles dripping slowly between my breasts were the hands of my guys, slick and sliding all over my skin touching every part of my needy, aching body. A firepit of desire burned deep in the pit of my stomach that I desperately wanted to put out, but I didn’t have time. I turned the faucet to cold and screamed as it beat down on my heated flesh.
Whoever said a cold shower worked on getting your mind off sex was right! Who can think at all when you’re freezing your ass off?
Dressing, and finally back to room temperature, I couldn’t take my eyes off my naked form in the door mirror. Every curve, every dip, every peak of my body enticed and titillated me. A hunger to touch myself, to pleasure myself grew strong within me. My hands had just dipped below my hips when a loud knock startled me out of my lust-filled daydream. The knob was turning and I was still naked as the day I was born.
“Wait, don’t come in! I’m not dressed yet!”
If I don’t get this over-amped up sex drive under control, I’m going to be in serious trouble!
I threw my clothes onto my body as fast as I could. “You can come in now!” I yelled as I sat on the floor to put on my shoes. Avery walked in, threw herself down onto my desk chair, and huffed. Her head fell back and she grumbled as she swiveled side to side. “Something wrong Avery?”
“Not really, just bored out of my mind. I really hate the weekend, there’s never anything to do.”
“Uh, there’s lots to do, Avery. Group, laundry, kitchen shift, movies, read, art, music, swim, hike…” Her head shot up and a scowl marred her normally whimsical expression as I ticked off the options.
“Besides movies, none of those things remotely interest me at all.”
“Well, we can study…”
“GOD NO! I definitely don’t want to do that!” Her hands flew to her chest as though the mere thought of doing some studying would give her a heart attack.
“You know Avery, you really are overly dramatic sometimes.” She winked at me, affirming my assessment of her. “So then what do you want to do? I’ve given you plenty of options and you’ve shot them all down, I give up.” She scrunched up her face, making her look like Popeye minus the corn cob pipe sticking out of her mouth.
“I guess a movie, but this time we’ll let you pick. Cool?”
“Okay, that sounds good.” There was a lull in the conversation and one thought kept invading my mind over and over, but I was unsure of how to approach her about it.
“Avery?”
“Yes,” she said, dragging out the word as she spun in circles in my desk chair.
“I think I know one thing we could do that wouldn’t be boring.” I tried to calm my pounding heart and quell the fear of being so bold; the image of her lying on my bed, staring at my lips, confessing her attraction to me spurred me on.
“Oooh, I’m intrigued. Spill.” She came to a stop and met my eyes.
“Uh, well, I was thinking that...uh…” I bit my lip as I looked down at her mouth, hoping she’d get the hint.
“Oh.”
“We don’t have to. It was a stupid thought. Come on, let’s go.” I stood and headed for the door when she stepped in front of me.
“It’s not stupid Marjorie. I just wasn’t expecting it. I’ve thought about it a lot, I just didn’t want to pressure you. But if you’re ready to try then so am I.”
“Yeah?”
“Uh, yeah. I haven’t exactly been secretive with my feelings towards you.”
“No, but that doesn’t mean I know what to do about them.”
“Fair enough. Okay, so I’m guessing you’ve never kissed anyone before?” I shook my head, “Alright, first thank you for trusting me to be your first kiss. It can be a beautiful experience but also nerve-wracking. Okay, so I’m going to step into your space and put my hands on your face, like this,” she said as she completed the action. This close I noticed how poreless her skin was and the little mole on the tip of her lip.
“And what do I do with my hands?” I asked as I raised them and lowered them trying to make it feel natural and failing.
“You can leave them by your side or you can put them on my hips - whatever is more comfortable for you.” Her soft breath brushed against my face and a bubble of anticipation floated around in my belly. I put my hands on her hips and it calmed me down a bit, “Okay. I’m going to keep leaning in until our lips meet. If at any time you want me to stop just say so and I will.”
“Thank you Avery.”
; “For what?” she asked as she cocked her head sideways, “I haven’t kissed you yet.”
“For understanding what I need to help me through it.” Without warning, her head leaned forward. I watched her eyes until they shut and I did the same a moment before I felt the soft plushness of her lips press against mine. A breath caught in my throat and I squeezed her hips reflexively. When I didn’t pull away she opened her lips a bit to shift her angle. I let the sensation that was growing in my belly guide my body so when I felt her tongue glide across my lips I opened my mouth to accept her. Without hesitation, her kiss grew from gentle to needy. I let her tongue be my guide and mirrored her maneuvers, working us both into a tangle of desire. Avery pulled away after a few minutes and we stared at one another.
“Well, that was unexpected. In a good way,” she quickly added after seeing my crestfallen face, “We’ve definitely gotta do that again.” I giggled and smiled as she pulled me to her and claimed my mouth again. After about thirty minutes of making out, I pulled away from her.
“As much as I’d like to keep doing this, I can’t.”
“What could be more important than making out with me?”
“Group.”
“No, no that’s definitely not more important than what we were doing.”
“It is actually and I’d really like it if you came with me.” I gave her my best puppy dog eyes and she giggled.
“Oh, alright. Who can say no to that adorable little face?” I smiled.
“Great, let’s go. One will be starting in ten minutes” I jumped off the bed, having made our way here after our second round of kissing, and grabbed her hand. I was in need of some sort of physical contact, even platonic. We made our way down to the dining room to grab some fruit and a muffin since breakfast was closed after nine-thirty, and ate them on the way to the group room. We sat in two vacant seats, on opposite sides since we were the last to arrive. But then the girl who was sitting next to Avery, whom I had seen but never met before, asked if I wanted to trade seats so that I could sit next to Avery. I smiled and thanked her as we switched. I felt calmer knowing she was next to me.
