by Josi Kilpack
“Thanks,” Britney called back. “See you later.”
Jess just nodded and kept walking. As soon as she turned the corner and was out of Britney’s view, she leaned against the fence and wiped at her eyes. Some other students passed her on the sidewalk, giving her weird looks, so she hurried further down the street and ducked into the covered parking area of an apartment building. It was empty except for a few cars and an orange cat that huddled in the corner, assessing her level of threat. Apparently even it didn’t want anything to do with her, and it ran out of the parking garage, disappearing into some bushes.
Jess took a breath, hoping to calm herself down, but a sob broke from her throat instead. Why didn’t she have cool friends like Britney did? Why wasn’t she outgoing and popular? Britney used to understand her. Jess could talk to her about anything. What had changed? How come every time they were together lately Jess felt as if Britney were doing her a favor?
She dropped her head and gave in to the tears. She hated being such a loser.
4
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Wednesday, April 12, 2:58 PM
Subject: Re: Hellooooooooooooooo
Em,
Sorry I didn’t get back to you sooner—we got new internet service and so I couldn’t get online. I’m not mad at you but I’d GET mad at you for reminding me about gymnastics except that Britney already did. I’m sorry Colt is moving—I have a ton of cousins but they live all over the place and I’m not that close with many of them. I’m bummed for you big time. I wish I had a guy cousin I was close to—I bet that would make me a lot more comfortable around the boys at school.
I told Britney about you today and she got all freaked out, said you might be some kind of psycho. She also told me I’m fat and should lose weight—nice huh? I told her you were way too cool to be some weirdo. Like I wouldn’t know!! Sometimes best friends are way overrated but I still hope she does okay at the meet tonight. Go Warriors!
A big family is okay. The little kids are always getting into my stuff and I have to help out a lot, but I think it will help me be a better mom one day. AND I have my own room—which none of the other kids have except Chris, but he’s still a baby. So it’s okay, I guess.
I’ve had a really lousy day, today—how about you?
Laters, Jess
He smiled as he finished reading the e-mail and opened a new browser window on his computer. In the search field he typed in Utah+high school+Warriors, then he hit Enter. It took less than five seconds for the computer to show him the first of a few hundred thousand listings that included all three words. He scanned the page and opened a link that looked promising. “Weber Warriors,” he read aloud as he scanned the page. But the school wasn’t in Salt Lake, and she’d mentioned a few times that it was. The Weber High School Warriors were several miles north, near the city of Ogden. He went back to the Google search and clicked another link. “Taylorsville Warriors,” he read out loud, his eyes darting to the address and then to the map of Salt Lake he had open on his desk. Taylorsville was a suburb of Salt Lake. He opened the “Sports” tab on the website and clicked on “Track” from the menu options. He scanned the individual events until he found the current date: “April 12—Warriors face off against East High Leopards at the East High track—5:00. Events will include the 100 meter dash, 200, 400 . . .” He stopped reading and laughed out loud at his success. He opened the document titled “Jess” on his computer and added this information to the growing list of details she was slowly giving him.
He was getting closer.
5
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Thursday, April 13, 4:02 PM
Subject: Britney
Jess—
ya know, you’ve talked about britney a lot and i’m not convinced she’s as cool as u think she is. i mean she’s kinda ditched u for the track team and now she’s all freaked out because u e-mail me? that’s just lame.
as for internet freaks, i think that’s mostly just stuff parents make up. i mean i’ve never known anyone that’s had something weird happen—but my aunt met her husband online and they are such a cute couple. he’s a lot older than her, but it works out so great for them cause he can buy her great stuff and he’s so much more mature than the other guys she’d date. In real life they would have never met—the computer was like destiny for them. i think online is a great way to meet people—u don’t have to play games, ya know? u can just be yrself without anyone judging u. if u ask me britney is just jealous with a capital J.
i have two little brothers and a little sister and I think it stinks to be the oldest. my mom always makes me take care of them and help out and they don’t have to do anything. and she acts like that’s just my job, ya know, like having all these kids was my idea. i don’t think our moms have any idea how lucky they r for all our help. we have so much in common. i’m so glad i found yr bored.
Em
PS—i’ve attached some get-to-know u questions, i can’t wait to read yr answers!
You know I would love to tend her,” Kate said into the phone while she stirred the spaghetti sauce she’d been simmering all day. It was the same recipe Sister Erickson had made for Enrichment—was it really three weeks ago?
“If you’re sure,” Julie said, still vacillating.
“Bring her over or I’ll never talk to you again—I need my baby fix!” Kate said with sarcastic force.
Julie laughed. “Okay, see you in a bit. Thanks.”
Kate hung up the phone. Not only was Julie her best friend, something Kate hadn’t expected to find as an adult, but the friendship had rubbed off on their daughters. Britney, Julie’s daughter, was more outgoing, but Jess did better in school, and their differences seemed to balance each other out perfectly. Kate glanced at the clock. Jess had come in from school and gone into the study while Kate was on the phone. The other kids would be arriving any minute. Justin was running and doing a somersault onto the couch over and over while shouting “Geronimo!” each time. She smiled at him and wiped her hands on a dish towel. She could watch him play for hours—except she’d never get anything else done if she did.
“Jess,” she called out, loud enough to be heard over Justin’s play.
“What?” Jess called back.
Kate kept talking while heading toward the study. “You were late getting home.”
“Yeah, I forgot something. Sorry.”
“Julie’s bringing over baby Sheila while she takes Braxton to get his cast off. The kids will be home in a minute, and Chris will be awake as soon as they come in. Can I count on your help today?” She reached the study and stood in the doorway.
“How come I always have to be the one that helps? Why can’t Caitlyn do it for once?” Jess said.
Kate lifted her eyebrows, surprised at Jess’s response. Usually Jess agreed to help out; she seemed to like it. “Caitlyn is only twelve and she needs just as much help as the others do,” Kate explained.
Jess pursed her lips but didn’t say anything else. Kate wondered at the attitude, but decided not to dwell on it. Fifteen was just a hard age.
Taking advantage of the semi-peaceful house—a rare occurrence—Kate leaned against the door frame and watched her daughter. Jess was almost Kate’s height these days—five foot six—but instead of Kate’s fair complexion and blue eyes, Jess had Brad’s olive skin and dark brown eyes, which were unusually striking on a redhead. Kate would have loved to have skin like that—still would. Jess had gotten her braces off two months earlier, and since getting contacts last summer, her eyes were no longer hidden behind the glasses she’d worn since she was eight. She was on her way to becoming a very pretty girl. Jess looked up to find her mother standing there.
“What are you working on?” Kate asked, eyeing the computer with something
akin to trepidation. Kate had attended college when computers were still young, and she’d been too busy with other things since then to really figure them out. Brad had helped her set up an e-mail address last year, but she rarely used it. Real life took place around the kitchen sink, not the Internet.
“Homework,” Jess answered.
“What homework?”
“I have to do a report on Bangladesh,” Jess said, still clicking. Kate took a couple of steps closer and saw a website with all kinds of geographical information. In her day, she had to go to the library and use an encyclopedia she couldn’t check out. It was amazing how times had changed.
“For what class?” Kate said, trying to open up a dialogue.
Jess looked up at her mom with an unspoken “duh” on her face. “Uh, geography, Mom.”
Kate looked down, wanting to reprimand Jess for talking to her that way but not wanting a confrontation. Kate loved her kids, but thus far she was not a fan of the adolescent phase. Give her potty training or stranger anxiety any day of the week over the moodiness of a teenager. However, Jess was a lot better than most teens she knew, and Kate reminded herself of that often.
“Everything okay?” Kate asked, though she didn’t expect much of an answer. Kate hadn’t forgotten what fifteen was like, so caught up in yourself that the other people in your life seemed far away. In order to keep Jess engaged in the family she made a point to ask for Jess’s help as often as possible. It ensured that she and Jess had continual interaction; and if nothing else, Jess would know she was needed. So far it seemed to be working. Jess was an excellent student and did her part at home without too much complaint. Most women with kids Jess’s age didn’t have it half so good.
“Fine. I get twenty extra credit points if I turn this report in before Friday. I really want to get it done tonight.” She looked up and met Kate’s eyes. “Do I have to go to gymnastics?”
“You know the answer to that,” Kate said. They’d invested in gymnastics for almost a decade, and Kate kept hoping that one of these days, all the practice would pay off. She also hoped the exercise would help her oldest daughter shed the extra fifteen pounds that had plagued her since reaching puberty. Other than walking the few blocks to and from school, gymnastics was all the physical activity Jess had in a typical week. “Just because it isn’t always fun, doesn’t mean it’s okay to quit.”
“But Mo-om,” Jess whined, “I’m not any good at it and I hate going—I’d rather do this report.”
“You’re good as long as you’re trying,” Kate said with a sympathetic smile. Kate would have done anything to have a mother who supported her the way she supported her own children, but she realized not knowing the alternative made it impossible for Jess, or any of the kids, to understand. “We’ve talked about this before—you’re committed until the end of the year.”
Jess’s face fell, and she looked back at the computer. Jess had loved gymnastics until right around the time she started high school the previous fall. Kate talked her into giving it one more year, and though Jess didn’t complain out loud, Kate knew she wished she’d been allowed to quit. It was so hard to know if Kate was doing the right thing by making her see it through, but with the year almost over, it seemed ridiculous to pull Jess out now.
Kate walked into the room and smoothed her hand over Jess’s hair. Even though Kate was now happy with her own hair color—the nice dark auburn she’d prayed for all through high school—she still battled the curl. Jess’s hair was just like hers had been, though Jess never made a big deal about it. She wasn’t too particular on girly things like clothes and hair. “When you take a shower tomorrow morning you ought to use my new conditioner. It’s been great at keeping my hair soft, and it really cuts down on the frizz.”
“Okay,” Jess said. Apparently surrendering the argument about gymnastics, she leaned over to pull a book out of her backpack.
“You’ve got a few minutes until the bus drops the kids off.” Kate left the room and turned her attention to Justin, who was still playing in the living room. She knew where she stood with the little kids, and she tickled him until he was laughing so hard he could barely breathe.
The house was instantly transformed into the Thompson’s House of Noise and Confusion when the three kids in elementary school came through the front door. Julie dropped Sheila off a few minutes later, and, despite the chaos, Kate’s heart melted as she took Sheila out of her car seat. Julie had her two older children, Britney and Braxton, early in her marriage and then couldn’t get pregnant again. At least, not until a year and a half ago, years after she had given up. Surprise! There were thirteen years between Sheila and Braxton. Sheila was six months old and perfectly content to be held and bounced while Kate and Jess helped supervise the kids with chores and homework.
“Jess, you’re wonderful,” Kate said, giving her oldest daughter a shoulder hug once the last of the homework was returned to the backpacks and the kids had scattered. “You can get back to your report now—but thanks for your help.” Chris had awakened and was emptying magazines out of the rack by the fireplace.
“You’re welcome,” Jess said and hurried back to the study.
“Can I hold baby?” Justin asked when Kate finally sat down. Kate had thought he was downstairs with the other kids.
Kate looked at her four-year-old and smiled. “Sure,” she said. “Come sit by me.”
He scrambled onto the couch and held out his arms. Sheila was sucking on her pacifier, and it bobbed up and down as her wide blue eyes scanned their faces. She was such a mild-mannered baby. “Now let me put her in your arms. Make sure you keep this arm under her head—good.” Justin smiled and stared into the baby’s face. Kate drank in the nostalgia of the moment and felt her heart ache at the idea of having to give Sheila back in a little while. There was nothing like a baby.
Chris hurried over to them, and Kate hoisted him on her lap. He looked at the baby in Justin’s arms with suspicion, causing Kate to laugh and squeeze him slightly. He needed a little brother or sister so he’d understand there was plenty of love to go around.
Kate didn’t want too much space between Chris and the next baby—the last baby. It had been hard on Jess when Caitlyn came along. It still seemed to be hard for Jess to fit with the rest of the kids. When Jess was an adult, the years wouldn’t matter so much, though the idea of Jess being a grown woman brought on a little spasm of fear. What would Kate do when all her kids grew up and left home? She couldn’t imagine it.
“All done,” Justin said, interrupting Kate’s thoughts. She hurried to shift Chris to one side and take the baby as Justin scrambled off the couch and ran downstairs. Chris scowled at the infant now in his mother’s arms and jumped down to follow his big brother, leaving Kate alone with Sheila for the moment.
Kate sat back against the couch and adjusted the baby so she was holding Sheila close against her chest. “You’re just the very cutest thing in the whole world,” she cooed, receiving another smile for her efforts.
Dinner was looming and she had laundry that needed to be put in the dryer, along with a dozen other things to do, but for now she just absorbed the baby—the smell, the feel, the perfection of her.
I’m so ready for one of my own, she thought to herself. A wave of warmth ran through her body. She’d been prayerful for weeks, gearing up. But she could feel that today was the day. It was time to talk to Brad.
The phone rang and Kate sighed. She’d known the peace wouldn’t last very long. With Sheila still in her arms she went to the phone, scowling at the caller ID when she recognized her mother’s number. Why was she calling again? She usually went three or four months without her pointless phone calls. But if she didn’t answer, Mom would just keep on calling until she and Kate talked and her mother could put her conscience to rest for another few months.
Kate shifted Sheila to one arm and picked up the phone. “Hi, Mom,” she said into the receiver, keeping her voice light.
“Katie,” her mom said as i
f they were the best of friends and talked every day instead of three times a year. “I might be moving to Utah. Gary has a job offer in Ogden. Wouldn’t that be great?”
Kate’s stomach sank. Ogden was thirty miles north, but Kate didn’t know if she was up to having her mother so close by. “Wonderful,” she said. Just wonderful.
6
Journal entry, April 13
Remember me? Yeah, well I got in the habit of writing every day when I was working on my Faith project for Young Women’s but, well . . . ya know. So what’s new with me? Absolutely nothing!! Maybe that’s why I don’t write. I’m still the fat girl in gymnastics, the only kid at school with fluorescent hair (that doesn’t dye it to be that way) and Britney and I almost never hang out now that she’s on the track team. Oh well, just cause we’ve been best friends all our lives doesn’t mean we’re going to stay that way forever.
