by Josi Kilpack
Love always, Colt
“I’ve just got to check this one thing online,” Jess said after putting her cereal bowl in the sink. Dad had left for work already, but she didn’t think he’d told Mom about the IM. She was pretty sure they were still fighting.
Mom looked at her skeptically, and Jess worried—almost hoped—she’d say Jess couldn’t get online. But she finally nodded and Jess hurried into the study. She needed to see if Colt had written her back after her problem with her dad. She felt like a schizophrenic the way she had such conflicting thoughts—scared to death one minute and completely excited another. Then she thought of her mom and felt so mad. How could so many exciting things be happening to her and her mom didn’t even know? Sometimes Jess felt invisible.
She sat down and logged onto a homework-help website, in case Mom tried to check up on her; then she opened her e-mail account. She read Colt’s e-mail two times. She could tell Britney! The relief was incredible. And it would be so much easier to explain when she’d actually met him. She didn’t take the time to reply just then, not wanting Mom to get suspicious, but she felt so much better to know that Colt understood how hard this was for her.
“Did you find what you needed?” Mom asked when Jess entered the kitchen a minute later. She was pouring Justin a bowl of Cheerios and didn’t look up.
“Yep,” Jess said with confidence, feeling arrogant in her secrecy. “Exactly what I needed.”
38
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, May 5, 1:24 PM
Subject: We meet
Colt
I can’t believe this is happening. I’m trying hard to be brave and I am excited to see you. I just need to get used to this idea, it’s something I never expected to have happen—at least not so soon.
It’s so hard not to tell Britney right now. I won’t, but it’s hard.
The bell’s about to ring, love you.
Jess
Kate survived Friday by getting lost in housework. She made an elaborate dinner, organized the master bedroom closet, and cleaned like she hadn’t in weeks. She’d waited for Brad to come home last night, eager to explain herself. Instead, she listened to him prepare a bed for himself on the couch. He didn’t even come into the bedroom to change. She’d wondered if she should go talk to him, but if he wasn’t ready to talk, did she want to force it?
Marilyn called during lunch, asking Kate how things were. She didn’t come out and ask directly about Brad’s reaction, but Kate felt her own tone and attitude reflected it pretty well anyway. After lunch was over, Kate sat down to read Chris some stories before putting him down for a nap. Justin was going to play with a neighbor in about ten minutes, and she felt guilty for being so grateful for the break. Once Chris was down, she’d have an hour or two to herself. She needed it.
“Kigs, kigs,” Chris shouted, clapping as she moved to their second book—the three little pigs. After all the new, interesting, and creative children’s books she’d bought over the years, he loved The Three Little Pigs the best.
Kate positioned Chris on her lap, and Justin settled in beside her.
“Once upon a time, there were three little pigs . . .”
When she got to the part about the first pig hiding from the big bad wolf in his house of straw, she paused, staring at the illustration. One very frightened pig stood in the window while the wolf blew. Pieces of straw were flying through the air, and half of the house was already stripped down to its stick frame. Kate felt her eyes fill. That’s what all this felt like—a house of straw.
But she hadn’t been like that first little pig. She hadn’t played and wasted her time. She’d worked and toiled over this family, over this home. Somehow it had transformed from the sturdy brick she’d chosen, to straw, easily destroyed. First Jess, who was behaving better but still withdrawn, and now Brad. How had it happened? Would it get worse? How could bricks be straw without her realizing it? Brad’s words came back, “But you meant for it to happen.” She didn’t know what to do about his accusations, how to convince him she hadn’t planned this.
“Mommy sad?” Justin said. She looked away from the book and quickly wiped her eyes.
“I’m fine,” she said with a false smile. “Now where were we? . . . Oh, yeah, right here. Now, what does the wolf say?”
Chris mimicked the words as Justin said them along with her. “I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down.”
39
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, May 5, 2:04 PM
Subject: Re: We meet
Jessie,
I know this is so hard for you, keeping secrets. It’s not something you’re used to doing and I know you want to talk to a girlfriend about this, like all girls do. But you just can’t—not yet. I’m so sorry. I wish it didn’t have to be this way, but just for a few more days, okay. Trust me on this, Jessie. Come Thursday you can tell anyone you want, okay, but keep it to yourself for just a few more days. Besides, Britney wouldn’t understand. Has she ever been in love like this? Just hang on, Jess, you can do this.
Love always, Colt
Brad knocked on the front door of his childhood home with one hand, while opening it with the other. “Knock, Knock,” he said. “You home, Mom?”
“I’m right here,” Marilyn called from somewhere down the hall. “In the main bathroom—I’m afraid I’ve made quite a mess of things.”
Brad shook his head as he turned down the hallway. Dad had always taken care of household repairs, and his mom had struggled to take over after his unexpected passing a few years ago. She always tried to fix things herself, then ended up calling one of her sons when the situation got desperate. No matter how many times he said he’d be happy to come out for any reason, she continued to try to be her own handyman. Tonight, having to help his mom was a blessing, however, since he didn’t know what to say to Kate yet.
Dad, Brad found himself thinking as he passed a row of old family photos in the hallway. What Brad wouldn’t do to discuss things with his dad right now. He wondered if Dad had ever felt tricked into so many kids. Had Brad’s mom been like Kate?
Then he felt guilty for thinking such things. His dad had been very involved with his family, more than Brad was. There was no reason to doubt that his father had wanted so many children.
Brad reached the threshold of the bathroom and stopped. Water had started seeping into the carpet, wet magenta slowly overtaking the usual pink.
“What happened?” Brad asked, stepping into the bathroom. The floor was covered with half an inch of water—clean water, he was pleased to see. There was a huge chunk of porcelain on the floor and Brad followed it with his eyes, matching it to a hole in the bowl of the toilet. A huge monkey wrench was sticking out of the hole—a wrench far too big and heavy for Mom to use.
Mom was sitting on the edge of the tub and looked up with a regretful smile.
“Well,” Mom said, repositioning a curl so that it was no longer hanging over her forehead. “After I fiddled with the u-joint of the sink, I accidentally dropped that big monkey wrench in the toilet. And next thing I know—bam—the wrench had popped a hole in the toilet and water went everywhere. So I called you.”
Brad bent down to look at the hole. He’d never seen anything like it.
“Wow,” he said, with a laugh. “Impressive work.”
His mom shrugged as Brad lifted the lid off the back of the toilet and undid the chain, so the toilet would stop running. Then he turned his attention to the U-joint of the sink—where the whole fiasco had started.
“So why were you fiddling with the U-joint?”
“So I’d have a reason to get you over here.”
He looked up at her confused. Did he hear her right? She smiled innocently and shrugged. “I thought I could p
lay dumb about a leaky sink and get you here—silly me. I underestimate my own ineptness at times.”
Brad looked at her strangely, not wanting to ask what it was she wanted to talk about this much—even though he knew she must have picked up on something.
“How are you and Kate?” Mom asked, putting his wonderings to rest. He turned his attention to the u-joint, making it so tight he was sure his mother wouldn’t be able to undo it should she get an equally brilliant idea sometime in the future. His mother was usually the first one to stay out of other people’s business. “We’re fine, Mom,” he said.
“Good! I told her you’d be okay with the baby—I told her you were a good man and you’d rise to the occasion.”
“You know?” he asked, though he wasn’t surprised. It seemed that Kate was always talking to someone else before she bothered to tell him. He’d been dwelling on his wife’s faults all day, so this was only one more to add to the list.
“I brought ice cream over while you were away. Kate said she didn’t want any.”
“Ah,” Brad said. Kate had a notorious sweet tooth, except when she was pregnant. He was almost disappointed to realize Kate wasn’t guilty of blabbering about their personal business. He wanted to be mad.
He finished the sink and decided to start sopping up the water.
“You’re mad, aren’t you,” Mom stated as he pulled towels off the rack and put them on the floor. He even grabbed the nice towels he’d been raised never to use, and Mom didn’t stop him. She was serious.
“I’m . . . frustrated,” he said simply, wishing Kate had told him his mother knew so he’d have been prepared.
“You know she didn’t do this on purpose, though, right? You know she wouldn’t do that?”
“Wouldn’t she?” Brad asked, shooting his mother a look. “She just happens to bring up the idea of having another baby at the exact time that she gets pregnant. It’s just a little too convenient. And she’s going to get sick again, Mom. She’s never taken that seriously, and now there is no time to prepare for it. I’d accepted the idea of having one more child, but not for another year. I wanted to get things on track.”
“What things?”
“I’d like to work less, be home more, get to know my wife again—take a family vacation.”
“You can still do all these things,” Mom said. “Just do them sooner. Why do you need a year for any of that?”
Brad let out a breath. “So you’re on Kate’s side, huh?”
“No,” Mom said, looking at him hard. “I’m on the baby’s side, and that’s the side you and Kate should be on as well. And if you are, even if she gets sick, even if things get really hard, you’ll be a team. And that’s what matters. You can blame work, you can blame Kate, you can even blame God for creating the distance you’re feeling, but you can’t blame the baby, and you’re the only one that can fix it.”
Brad put his hands on his hips and looked at the towels now sopping up the water. “I just need a little more time to set my head straight on this,” he said, though her words had hit their target.
“You need time?” she echoed. “Since when did time make it any easier to do the right thing? Use this opportunity to get closer to Kate, not farther from her, Brad, and the longer you wait, the harder it will be for her to forgive you for this.”
“Forgive me?” he asked, incredulously looking up at his mom with surprise. “I’m not the one that—”
“She was scared to tell you, Brad, terrified. And you’re now proving all those fears to be true. What good can that possibly bring to either one of you, let alone your family? You’ve taken enough time to make things right in your head; now just get back home and tell her you’re sorry, that things will be okay.”
“How do you know I haven’t already told her that?” Brad asked, not liking the fact that he was thirty-eight years old and being reprimanded by his mother.
“’Cause I talked to Kate today. She didn’t say anything, but I could tell something wasn’t right. And you’re my son. I know you. You tend to pull away when things aren’t going the direction you think they should be going. If there’s distance between you and your wife, you need to look at yourself first. Even if some of the responsibility is hers, you are only in control of your actions, not hers.”
40
——Original Message——
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Sent: Friday, May 5, 6:49 PM
Subject: Nerves
Colt—I got the rest of those instructions and I’m getting scared, Colt. Leaving the note is scary. I mean, I get that if they realize I’m gone they’ll freak whether there’s a note or not, but if I leave a note it feels so different. Gosh this is scary. I don’t know what to do. I really want to see you, but they will kill me if they find out! I’m scared! I hate not being able to IM—I really need to talk to you about this. Are you there? Please e-mail me back.
Jess
”Kate?”
Kate started and turned quickly, dripping glue from the Popsicle stick she was using to help Sharla with the English castle model for her term project. She was surprised to hear Brad’s voice. They had given each other only twenty-four hours of the silent treatment, but it felt like days.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asked.
Kate swallowed and nodded before turning back to Sharla. “I’ll be back in a minute.”
“But, Mo-om,” Sharla said. “I can’t do this alone.”
She’d been able to choose between marshmallows or sugar cubes to use as the bricks of her castle. She chose the pastel-colored marshmallows, which was a mistake since she also wanted them perfectly patterned. They’d been at it for over an hour and had only three rows of foundational pink marshmallows completed. Kate let out a breath. “Jess,” she called as she stood. Jess was working on an assignment for biology.
“Yeah?” Jess answered in a flat voice.
“Can you please come help Sharla with her project for a minute?”
There was silence for a second or two while Kate washed her hands, Sharla pouted and poked at her marshmallow castle, and Brad waited on the sidelines. Finally Jess replied. “Yeah,” she grumbled. Kate nodded. Okay, one fire put out for a minute. Then she looked up at Brad and felt her stomach flip. Was he still mad?
She followed Brad into the bedroom and shut the door softly behind her. He stood awkwardly on one side of the bed while she stood awkwardly on the other. “I’m not mad at you,” he said.
“You’re not?” she asked, relief washing over her even as she wondered why he’d been acting like he was mad if he wasn’t.
“I am disappointed,” he said. “But I know you didn’t do this on purpose, and I know it’s going to be okay.” He looked down and took a breath. “I love our kids, Kate, all of them. And this will be great.” He looked up and smiled, almost shyly. Kate felt the tears come to her eyes. He really was a good man.
“But,” he added and she braced herself. “I want more of you in my life.” He walked around the bed that had been serving as a buffer between them and reached up to tuck a lock of curly auburn hair behind her ear. “I love you, Kate, but sometimes I feel like I’ve lost you to the kids. I want time with you again.”
“Like date nights?” Kate said, humbled by his words, wondering how true that was. Had she lost herself in motherhood?
“And just us time—putting the kids to bed at the same time every night, talking about our days. I love our family, but I loved you first and I want there to be an us again.”
The first tear spilled over. “I love you too, Brad, and I’m sorry things happened this way.”
He nodded once. “But don’t be sorry any more, okay? I felt good about having another baby when I prayed about it—I just didn’t expect it this soon.”
“Neither did I,” she said, hoping he really believed that. They looked at one another for several seconds, and then he pulled her into his arms. She held on tight, t
hanking the Lord for that softening she’d been praying for. They stood that way for what felt like a long time—in parent years. Until Justin’s shrieking broke into the moment. She resisted the impulse to pull away completely and run to his aid. Instead she smiled and forced herself to move slower. “Why don’t we go out tonight,” she said.
Brad looked surprised. “Tonight?”
Kate smiled wider and nodded. “Jess is home. We can get the little kids in their PJs, and then they’ll be ready for bed. Maybe we can even catch a late movie.” She couldn’t remember the last time they’d seen a movie in a movie theatre.
Brad smiled. “You don’t think Jess will mind?”
