by Shari Low
It was the faintest light that caught my eye when I walked past the doors leading out on to the balcony. More of a glow, like the one from the screen of a mobile phone. Christy Almighty, what now? Neighbourhood kids? Someone casing the house? How the hell had they managed to get up to the first floor?
I changed my grip on the beer bottle, making it more of a weapon than a drink, then slowly opened the door, stepped forward and…
Jen.
Sitting with her back to me on the chair that she always claimed as hers.
She heard me and turned. ‘Hey,’ she said softly.
I don’t go in for all that romance stuff, but I swear my stomach flipped and there was suddenly a big daft grin on my face. I wanted to hug her. Was that OK? No idea, so I didn’t. I just stood, leaning against the wall, looking at her, thinking how much she’d changed in the last year. Her hair was longer, her smile a little sadder, and she just seemed, I don’t know… wearier. Before this year we had no worries, no stresses, just a great group of family and friends and a whole lot of good times. It was like a spark had been extinguished for all of us – yet when I looked at her – bugger, I was coming over all sentimental again – it was like the light was back on.
‘Hi,’ I replied, grinning like a fool but trying desperately to keep the laid-back, don’t gush all over her vibe. ‘Are you my welcome-back party? Or are Val and Josie hiding behind the couch?’
‘Just me,’ she said, ‘I hope that’s OK?’
‘More than.’
I moved forward and sat in the seat next to her, about a foot of distance between us. I’d never wanted to reach out and touch someone more but immediately a pang of guilt kicked in. Oh God, I’m sorry Dee. I’m so sorry. But these feelings are here and they’d never have grown if you hadn’t left, but now they have.
‘So how was London?’ she asked, voice still quiet, calm. This felt surreal, to be sitting here with her again, the way we’d done so many times when she’d stayed here.
‘Good. Actually, really good. Matt and Callum were asking for you.’
‘Bet it was great to hang out with them again.’
‘It was.’ I took a sip of my beer to buy time, and thought about sticking with small talk, but what was the point? It would only be putting off difficult conversations until later. I ended up just blurting it out. ‘I’m going to move down there, Jen. To London.’
In a way I was grateful for the way her eyes widened, as if this was something she didn’t want to hear.
‘Why?’ was all she said.
I sighed. ‘Because I can’t stay. All this reminds me too much of Dee,’ I said, gesturing behind me, back into the house. ‘Our lives here have fallen apart. It was different when it was Dee and I, and you and Pete, and everything was great but now…’ I got stuck for a minute, hating saying this, but sure it was right to tell her now. ‘Now there’s nothing left.’
‘You’ve got me,’ she said.
Ah, don’t do this. Don’t make me say it.
‘Come on Jen, we both know I don’t. The only thing that comes even close to the pain of losing Dee, is the pain of staying here and not being able to love you.’
She went to speak, and I realised immediately what she was going to say, so I cut her off at the friend-zone pass.
‘And please don’t say we’ll always love each other as friends because you know that’s not enough for me now.’
‘Or me.’
It took me a minute to catch up.
‘What?’
‘Or me,’ she repeated, but still I wasn’t entirely clear what was happening because two huge tears were rolling down her cheeks.
‘So…’ I didn’t want to hope. ‘You think we could…’ I left that hanging, determined not to make a complete tool of myself if I was getting it wrong.
‘Be together,’ she said, two more tears now, but also a smile I hadn’t seen for a long, long time. A real one. Not forced. Not half-hearted. Not tinged with sadness.
‘Are you sure?’ Even as I said it I was on my feet, then in front of her, then pulling her up to me.
I stopped waiting for an answer when she kissed me instead.
Chapter 45
Jen
It was strange opening the door to Val’s house and hearing voices and laughter and life again. I passed the picture of Dee in the hallway and touched it, saying hello. It had taken a while. Seven days in the Maldives, doing nothing but staring at the ocean and thinking, making plans and sawing through the ties of the past. In the end it came down to a simple decision. Was I going to be grateful for the lifetime of love she gave me, for the fact that she made my life so much better than it would ever have been, or was I going to wipe out all those years and only remember what I learned since she left us?
Forgive or not? Love her or not?
I chose to forgive and love her.
She didn’t sleep with him, didn’t follow her wild crazy heart, so I know that there was a loyalty there. And yes, it could have been stronger, but if I had the choice of a life without Dee, or a life with her, making one mistake, I’d take Dee every time.
So I’d decided to live with it.
Maybe naïve, maybe too forgiving, but it was what I was choosing because look where I was now. Luke and I had a love that was unlike anything I’d had before.
When he’d told me how he felt, I’d backed away, crippled with guilt that I was stealing Dee’s life. That had changed now that I knew it wasn’t the life she wanted. If she truly wanted Luke, to stay with him and have his children, she wouldn’t have been fooling around with Brad, or sharing intimacies with Pete.
Luke never truly had her heart, which meant I felt no guilt about giving him mine.
Once again, I’d spent a long time agonizing over whether I should tell him about Dee and Pete, but I knew I wouldn’t. Nothing should taint her memory. This was a truth for me to keep. Dee might have taken Pete, but she’d given me Luke.
Our relationship was more than I’d ever had and I knew it would survive anything.
Even today.
I’d been putting off telling Val for weeks, but it needed to be now. It would soon be Christmas, almost a year since Dee died, and I wanted to be here for her, not watching what I said and being anxious not to look at Luke the wrong way in case our feelings showed.
‘All right, love?’ Don boomed, when I opened the kitchen door. He was sitting at the table with Mark and Tara, all of them buoyed up as if they’d been discussing something that amused them before we came in. I’d only met her a few times, but I was already a fan. She had that laid-back energy that was completely in sync with Mark’s, and from Don’s cheery disposition, it seemed that he agreed.
‘I’m great, Don,’ I said, giving him a hug, then Mark and Tara. I was so delighted for them, they deserved every moment of this happiness. I was only sorry that Dee would never get to meet her beautiful niece.
‘Is Val out?’ I asked.
‘Upstairs with the wee one,’ he said. ‘Go on up. Claudie was sleeping but she should be awake by now.’
Claudie. A beautiful name that suited her huge brown eyes and shock of chestnut hair.
When I climbed the stairs, I heard them in the room Dee and I once shared. Val was singing to a gurgling audience, the sound of their happiness banishing the ghosts of Dee’s absence that had haunted the house for so long. When I pushed the door open, it was like stepping back in time. The same two pine single beds, the same matching wardrobe and bedside tables with white lamps on them. We had an old TV in the corner that took up the whole of the top of a chest of drawers, and the carpet was a deep purple, a replacement for the bubblegum pink one that had got ruined when Dee slapped on blue hair dye then fell asleep on the floor. Val had hit the roof over that one. The walls were still pale blue, although the Ricky Martin and Backstreet Boys posters had long since been taken down. Other than that it was exactly as Dee and I had left it when we’d moved out to go to college. A wave of emotion rose, but I forced it back dow
n. Today wasn’t about the past.
Val was lying on Dee’s bed, next to a tiny Claudie, the baby’s eyes fixed on Val’s face as she sang the ‘Wheels On The Bus’. I wanted to stand and watch them, to take in Val’s obvious joy. I hadn’t seen her like that for a long time. God, Dee would love this. Shaking off the sorrow, I flopped down on my old bed.
‘Thought I’d come see where the girls were hanging out,’ I announced, laughing.
Val blew me a kiss with one hand, the other protectively around Claudie, to make sure she didn’t roll over. Val was wearing make-up again, her hair newly cut into a sharp blonde bob that framed her face. The black circles under her eyes were still there but she was like a different woman to one that had struggled to breathe under a shell of grief. We knew now about the late night supermarket visits, the conversations with Wilkie’s mother. I wished she’d told us, but I think we just all retreated to cope with the destruction of our worlds in our own ways.
‘I can’t stop looking at her,’ she said, then cooed to the baby. ‘Because you’re perfect aren’t you? You’re just granny Val’s little angel and you’re perfect.’
Claudie responded with a toothless grin that would melt any heart and Val smothered her little cheeks in kisses.
‘You staying for dinner, my love? I’ve a steak pie in the oven.’
‘Thanks, Val, but I’m going to look at a house. One of the new flats they’re building on the edge of the river.’ They were only about ten minutes from here – two bedroom apartments on the site of an old woollen mill. I’d thought about moving into Luke’s but it was too much. We needed a fresh start, somewhere that was just for us. ‘I just wanted to come over and talk to you about something first.’
Either the words or the fact that the thudding of my heart must surely be filling the room got her attention. Her gaze met mine, and despite having rehearsed a dozen different versions of this moment, my mind went blank and my mouth went dry. How could I tell her this? But then, how could I not? Words. Use. Words.
‘Are you going to tell me about you and Luke?’ she asked gently.
In none of my scenarios did she already know. ‘But how…’
‘Josie told me.’
Ah. Judas.
She went on, ‘Don’t be upset with her. It was a good thing, Jen. Gave me time to get used to the idea.’
‘I’m so sorry if it upset you. We didn’t want that to happen. To be honest, we didn’t want anything to happen between us either.’
Claudie watched both of us in turn, her gaze following the voices.
‘I know. And I can’t say I was happy about it at first, but then… You deserve happiness, Jen. And Luke does too. I was worried we might lose him down south there for a while, and I’m guessing he’s staying now.’
I responded with a nod.
‘So it has to be a good thing. And you know, I think our Dee would get that. She always was one for following her heart and she loved you both, so she would have wanted you both to find someone. In a way, I’m glad it was each other.’
Gratitude, love, relief, each one of those emotions propelled me across to her and I wrapped her in a hug, Claudie nestled in the middle.
‘I’ll never be able to thank you for everything you’ve given me Val,’ I told her, truthfully.
‘Having you was thanks enough my love. Your mum would be so proud of you. Our Dee would too.’
More tears, this time from both of us.
‘You’re sure about Luke? And do you think Don will be too?’ I checked, holding my breath, in case she changed her mind. I couldn’t bear the thought. Now that Luke and I were together and committed to a future, we desperately wanted Val and Don’s blessing. ‘Because if not, please tell us. We’d rather know and we’d understand.’ We’d understand, but we’d be totally crushed. These people were like parents to us and we couldn’t bear the thought of that ever changing.
‘I’m sure,’ she said with such conviction that I knew she meant it. ‘And I’ve discussed it with Don, love. He feels the same as me. If Dee’s death taught us something it’s that you have to make the most of every minute of the day because you don’t know when it’ll be over. This year has been more heartache than I ever thought I could bear, and I’ll miss her every day of my life, but we have to keep going, Jen. Dee would be bloody raging if we didn’t.’
I knew she was right. And that Dee would understand, more than anyone, that you just had to follow your heart.
Chapter 46
Val
I stood in front of the gravestone, little Claudie in the pram at my side. She’d been here before so she didn’t need any introduction. Mark had headed back offshore for his next stint, but Tara had decided to stick around and get to know us rather than heading back to Australia to wait for him there. Her mother had passed away a few months before, and in some ways I think she needed us as much as we need her. She’d have tracked Mark down eventually, but I was so grateful that his Australian mobile phone didn’t work here so she’d had to come all this way to find him. I only hoped she would decide to make it permanent because every moment with this little girl was pure happiness and I was sure her arrival was down to Dee. The rest of them thought that I was crazy, but I had an overwhelming feeling our Dee had orchestrated that because I knew she was still here, still with us, still part of our lives.
‘He got sentenced yesterday,’ I said, my gaze on the stone. ‘Six years. He’ll be out in three if he behaves. It’s not enough, is it? But I thought you’d like to know. Sleep tight,’ I whispered, ‘I’ll pop back again soon.’
I gave the stone a quick polish with the arm of my jacket.
MARGO WILKIE.
BELOVED MOTHER.
REST IN PEACE.
She’d passed away the day after he was found guilty. Her other kids hadn’t had the money for the stone, so Don and I had paid for it. She was in the same cemetery as Dee, just a few hundred yards away. Every time I came here I’d sit with Dee, then pop down for a quick chat with Margo.
I took the brake off the pram and set off for home. Don would be out for the rest of the day, so it was just Claudie and I now that Tara was working part-time in the shop, a couple of days a week. We split it between us. She did two, I did three, and whichever one of us was off had Claudie. It was enough, especially now that I was doing two nights a week at the food bank, sorting out donations and restocking the shelves.
Don didn’t mind. We were going out again at the weekends, and we’d already booked a fortnight in Tenerife for the summer. We’d found each other again – although I had threatened to suffocate him in his sleep if he didn’t get something done about that bloody snoring.
At home, I gave Claudie the bottle Tara had expressed that morning then took her upstairs for her nap. Tara had moved into Dee and Jen’s room now as it was bigger than Mark’s old room, with more space for a cot. I laid Claudie down to sleep, and then, as always, I lay on the bed next to the crib and talked to her in a soft, low voice until her eyes closed.
‘Auntie Dee would have loved you, my darling. She was just like you. Beautiful, and strong, and had a fair set of lungs. And she grew up to be the best daughter a mum could have. That doesn’t mean she was always perfect. She made me heart-sore many a time and we won’t even talk about the times she sneaked out at night to go meet some boy or other, not realising that I always knew. There will never be a day that goes by that I don’t miss her, or a night I won’t go to sleep hoping I’ll see her face in my dreams. But I sleep now, knowing that she loved us and we loved her back and that’s all you can do in life, just like we’ll always love you.’
There was a tiny snuffle as Claudie closed her eyes.
‘Sweet dreams, my darlings. Both of you.’
Epilogue
‘Ida at three o’clock, Ida at three o’clock. Take evasive action,’ Josie hissed, while Luke, Mark, Tara and I fought to keep straight faces under the prospect of the Ida ambush.
‘Och, doll, she’s a stunner! A stunner
!’ Ida proclaimed. ‘Definitely looks like our side of the family. I think she’s got my eyes.’
Tara, utterly gorgeous in a pale yellow, floaty dress, had the good grace to agree. She’d been warned about Ida so she was fully prepared to hand over her daughter’s spotlight to the woman in the purple dress, with a lilac hat the size of a coffee table.
The christening had been beautiful, and Claudie Dee Murray had slept peacefully through the whole affair.
Luke and I had been surprised and delighted to be asked to be godparents, yet another link that would tie both of us to Dee and the Murrays. Not that we needed anything more than what we already had, two parents who might not be related to us by blood, but treated us like we were. Don had even offered to give me away if we ever got married. Maybe one day, but not any time soon. It was enough that we were living together, planning a future, and they were supporting us.
I could see Val and Don now, holding hands as they chatted to the humanist who had conducted the ceremony. There were moments over the last year that I wondered if they would get through this but of course they had. If Claudie Dee Murray ever needed a role model for marriage, it was her grandparents. However, if she needed a role model for the position of CIA spy, then the spiky-haired woman standing to my right was definitely the best candidate.
‘What’s up, Josie?’ I asked, spotting the fact that she was scanning the room like a NASA radar.
‘I’ve lost visual contact.’
‘With who?’ I asked, confused.
‘With…’ she started, but was interrupted by a brief squeak as the speakers in the corner of the room came to life.
Oh dear Lord, no. Not again.
On the stage, the self-appointed entertainment had arrived.
‘Ladies and Gentlemen, for those of you who don’t know me, I’m Claudie’s great-aunt Ida. I think she’s got my eyes.’
Josie raised her eyes heavenward. ‘Dee, I’m begging you – send me a catapult, right now, and I won’t tell your mother you borrowed her Dolce & Gabbana bag and wrecked it. She still thinks it was me.’
