by Remi Grey
"Why do we hinder the love that we seek out the most? A lot of you may look at me and wonder what I am talking about. Some of you may have some sort of idea, but I can guarantee you that no one knows the true answer to my question," I proclaimed as I looked at the large lecture hall a few days later. One hundred pairs of eyes stared back at me with a mixture of curiosity and confusion. "Firstly, does anyone want to explain my question to the rest of your peers?"
I looked around until I saw a hand go up. “Go ahead,” I said, pointing to the student.
“Why do we play ourselves?” he concluded, arising laughs from his peers and a smile from me.
“Sure,” I reasoned. “I guess you could say that. Do we have any answers to the question?”
Several hands went up. Seeing my students so active on the topic of the discussion made me happy. Although being a professor, the opportunity that I'd learn something from them excited me for lectures. I pointed at a young woman, allowing her to speak.
“We’re scared.”
"Of?" I asked for her to delve deeper into the response.
“Being hurt. Even though we want it, we stop it or hinder it because we’re afraid that in pursuit of that love, we’re afraid it won’t be reciprocated the same.”
I nodded, taking in her reply and then pointed to another student.
“We don’t really want it,” a young man said. “Or I should say we do, but we seek it out in so many places, we don’t know where our true desire is coming from and thus turn it down when we do get it.”
His reasoning made me think. “Could you explain further? Perhaps with an example.”
"Say, a man who grew up without his father doesn't know the reason why he sleeps around its because he's looking for love in places he can only get from said father. When someone else shows him love, whether it be from a romantic partner or another father figure who enters his life, he may push them away. Because he never thought of himself as needing love from these people or needing love at all. He may have mistaken the absence of love in his life as normal."
I nodded as I dissected his points before scanning the room. It seemed that even more hands had gone up during the time it took the first two students to give their points of view. Just as I was about to settle on a student, I noticed a familiar face with their hand up.
I turned to her to face her and asked. "Why do we hinder the love that we seek out the most?"
Hanna looked right back at me with her eyes focused on me while she spoke. I wish she would've chosen to sit closer, so I could've gotten a better look at her. However, I was going to have to settle with her looking down at me from the middle of the crowd, pencil swinging from between her fingers and then landing gently on her chin while she sat pensively.
“I think it’s because we’re smart,” she said.
This response caught me off-guard. Her voice came out clear in the large lecture hall, capturing me and everyone else in the room as she spoke.
"Sometimes we're scared or confused…" she continued in reference to the first two responses. "But other times, we're smart." She paused again, holding my gaze as though she were trying to read me. "Because people are predictable, frankly. Even when they don't want to be, they are. They lie when they said they'd be honest. They cheat when they said they'd be faithful. They hurt you when they said they'd be kind. Predictable." Despite her distance, I could see the hurt in her eyes when she said this. "So, it's because we're smart. And even if we're wrong sometimes, it's better than letting someone hurt you because you let your guard down."
Silence overtook the room as Hanna and I held each other's gaze. I had never seen her look so hurt. I just wanted to meet whoever had been the source of the pain, but for all three of us, it was best I didn't. More hands went up for them to give their take as Hanna stood up from her seat and slid past the students in her row.
I didn’t want her to run off on me again, so I turned to my clock for verification. Thirty minutes left in a forty-five-minute lecture. Decisions, decisions…
"Alright, guys, let's continue this tomorrow. Read chapter three by next class and be ready for the quiz before the lecture on the following Thursday, which will cover chapters one through three. We'll review the session before." With that, I grabbed my briefcase and dove out of the classroom in pursuit of Hanna.
She was easy to find, considering how no one was walking around campus so early in a class session. "Hanna," I said, calling out her name. She glanced back and then turned back around, forcing me into a slight jog to catch up to her. "Hanna, could you just give me a minute to talk to you?"
She paused and faced me.
“About?”
“About...what you just said in there.” I thought the answer was obvious, but she still arched her eyebrows at me in confusion.
“What’s there to talk about? I said what I said.”
“But I didn’t get to say what I wanted to say,” I clarified. My students began spilling out of the building.
“You sure you want to talk here?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Let’s go back inside. My office is upstairs.”
She hesitated briefly, then nodded, “Fine. Let’s go.”
Chapter 5
Hanna
As soon as I accepted talking to him upstairs, I instantly felt a surge in my stomach. I felt less like I was making my decisions on him based on intellect, and more like it was fear and confusion as I followed him up the stairs and into his office. He closed the door, securing us in seclusion.
He moved closer to his desk while I lingered by the door. “I’m glad you came to one of my lectures,” he said. “I just want to know exactly what you meant by what you said.”
It was easy vaguely confessing to him how I felt but having to break down what I said would be like laying out all my insecurities on the table before him. I wasn’t ready for that, so I remained silent.
“Did I do something to make you think that I wasn’t serious about you? Did I say something--?”
“You don’t have to,” I shot out unexpectedly.
He furrowed his eyebrows.
"Because…" I hesitated briefly. "I know guys. I know what they want, and that isn't someone like me."
“Someone like you?” he said, confused. I was brought back to when I was in front of Iris.
"Please don't act like you don't see a difference between the girls you've dated before and me," I said, quiet but firm.
He paused for a beat then said. “You’re right. There is a difference.” I took a sharp breath in preparation for what he might say. “You’re smart; you’re strong; you’re persistent; you’re beautiful.”
I laughed dryly, “You’ve never dated a beautiful woman?”
“I’ve dated women with pretty faces,” he explained with a shrug, unbothered, “but, no, I’ve never dated a beautiful woman, one who’s attractive to me on the inside and out…”
He started to approach me. I felt the heat rushing to my face, but on top of that, a quickening thumping below my waistband. Being this close to him, I could smell his light cologne radiating toward me. His natural musk made me weak to my knees. Who else had he said this to? The logical part of me tried to reason, but it all faded away once he touched me, placing his hand on my cheek and leaning into me slowly.
I only got a short glimpse of his eyes, the mix of light browns and potent greens keeping me hypnotized, before we both shut our eyes and took each other in. His lips were warm and addicting as he embraced me softly. With his hand still on my cheek, pulling my face up to his so he could tongue me with little effort, the other traveled down my waist and stopped by my thigh.
I returned each kiss harder, passionately taking in his lower lip and sucking on it. With every embrace, I wanted him more and more. The thumping in my pussy grew stronger with each kiss he gave me. I was starting to get lightheaded with him so close to me. Everything I had told myself I wouldn't do was now being challenged. I felt his hand shifting from my outer to inner
thigh, lingering so close to my crotch, and I immediately pulled away. I put two hands on his chest and pushed him away as I did so.
“Is something wrong?” he asked.
I moved away from him and allowed more space between the two of us. “Yes!” I admitted incredulously. “This is exactly what I didn’t want. I don’t want to just have sex with you in your office and then call it a night!”
“That’s not what was going to happen.”
“Oh, really?” I questioned him. The regret flooded my mind as I inched closer to the door, afraid I’d burst into tears if I stayed there any longer.
"Hanna," he begged. "Please don't leave like this. I don't just want to do that with you. Things were escalating, but I'd never disrespect you like that. I want to take you on a date first. Please. I don't want to be predictable." His reference to my response in his class and his pleading eyes made me pause. He looked so cute. I hated that I thought that, but I couldn't help it.
I took a deep breath and turned away from him.
“It has to be during the day,” I said. Night gave way for guys to take advantage.
He nodded.
“No alcohol can be involved.” Another way they could take advantage.
“And…” I paused. Maybe I was being picky, but I didn’t care. I deserved to be picky when being lenient only got me hurt. “And you have to wear sunglasses.”
“What?” he said, slightly entertained.
“It’s your eyes,” I said simply. They make me want to fuck you. “They’re distracting.”
He stared at me with an eyebrow arched, likely sick of my shenanigans but excited for a chance to take me out. “Alright, then. This Saturday at…” He paused. “Noon?”
I knew he found it silly, but I nodded seriously in agreement. “See you then,” I said before walking out.
Chapter 6
Adam
So, it was essentially a brunch. I know she expected something that I could basically give one of my students, but she deserved so much more than pancakes at noon. As I worked in my office the next day, I contemplated ways around her rules when there was a knock at my door.
“Come in,” I said, barely looking up.
I assumed it was one of my students. My entrance was a revolving door for them during the semester with questions as minor as homework questions to questions regarding life and whatever else was on their mind. I welcomed them all. That was until I saw who was at the door.
“Erin,” I said, acknowledging the presence standing before me. She shut the door behind her and approached the desk slowly. I hadn’t seen her in almost six months. “What do you want?” She sat down before me despite me not inviting her to and smiled at me.
“I missed you,” she said simply. Her piercing blue eyes rested on mine as she spoke. I glanced at my door, expectant of someone worthy to take her seat, but no one came. “Listen, Adam, the way we ended things… that’s not how I wanted to remember our relationship. I mean, we had fun! We loved each other.”
"I never loved you, Erin," I confessed. Not that it was the first time she heard this.
“Whatever makes you feel better. You weren’t saying that when you were hell-bent on getting back together.”
I snorted. “The only thing I was hell-bent on was getting your lying ass out of my life.” I stood up to prompt her to rise as well. “Now, if you could please leave my office, that’d be greatly appreciated.” I smile politely at her, desperate to keep our meeting cordial for the sake of my peers who aligned the rooms adjacent to me.
She hesitated then rose, her curled blonde hair flopping when she did so. Then, she strutted to the door, briefly pausing before turning around. “You’re not dumb enough to turn me down. I’m the best thing that ever happened to you.” Her comments seared the air around her and forced my lips into a taut line. She narrowed her eyes at me as though attempting to read me. “You’re seeing someone, aren’t you?”
Was I that transparent?
“Does it matter?”
"So you are," she concluded. She crossed her arms against her chest then let it fall again. "Doesn't matter because, like always, you'll come back to me. We look good together, and we are good together." She assumed her statement was a fact as a smile pulled on her lips. "See you soon, Adam."
With that, she sashayed out of my office, leaving me alone. For a beat, I pondered if there was some truth in her comments. Did I always go back to her? We’d been on and off for two years until we completely broke it off six months ago. At the thought of Hanna, I smiled. That never happened with Erin. No matter what she said about me, I refused to be that predictable.
***
Saturday afternoon had crept along slowly but eventually came. Hanna insisted we arrived in separate cars. To please her, I agreed and gave her the address to the site of the date. I was waiting in the parking lot, leaning on the back of my car with my sunglasses perched on the bridge of my nose when she arrived.
She was wearing a blue sundress that hugged her curves. With the wind flowing through her hair and dress, and the sun beaming down on her, she looked like an angel. I tried to keep my eyes trained on hers even though I wanted so badly to let my gaze travel down her body, exploring parts that I had yet to see.
“Where are we?” she asked when she got close enough. Her voice brought my thoughts to a temporary halt. We both looked out past the small makeshift parking lot to the green hill. You could hear the ocean crashing not too far behind it. What she saw as random was something carefully crafted by me. I extended my hand to her.
“Come on. I’ll show you,” I said. She accepted it warily then allowed me to lead her over and down the hill where a secluded part of the beach was revealed to us. I prepared a spot for us on a bench with a white cloth over it, spread with various brunch items.
“Wow, this is…” She took in the sight and then sat down across from me. “Beautiful.”
Even with the ocean forming a background behind her and the rays of the sun bouncing off its gentle waves, making the water underneath it twinkle like a million stars on a dark night’s sky, Hanna was still the most beautiful thing I was looking at. As her eyes moved from the meal I had arranged for us then back up to me, catching the light of the sun, I fell even more in love with her. I held back confessing it with my words, knowing how doubtful she’d be. I’d wait as long as she wanted for the time when I could tell her how much I loved her and I was confident that if I waited long enough, she’d be comfortable enough with herself that she’d be able to say it back.
For now, all she could muster was, “What’s this?” in reference to the glass bottle sitting in ice.
“This…” I said, raising the bottle. “This is sparkling cider.”
I watched her face shift when she realized that it wasn't alcohol. I had been meticulous with each and every one of the details for this date. Giving her a reason to give up on an idea of us wasn't a part of the plan. "And it's a little after noon," I added, raising my wrist to look at the time.
The smile I gave her was my finishing touch to let her know that I had checked all the boxes.
"Maybe I should've added having the date in a public setting to the list," she suggested with an eyebrow raised. Her playful smile was enough for me to know that she was joking, so I laughed lightly.
“Well, if we weren’t going to share a glass of wine and I wasn’t going to be able to really look at you thanks to the sunglasses, I figured I made sure I had you all to myself. I don’t like to share.” My honest statement prompted a smile that she tried to fight.
She raised her empty glass. “If you could pour me some cider…” I smiled as I picked up the bottle and poured her some. “Thank you.”
“Of course.”
We began to serve ourselves with croissants, sausage, and the like. Being here with her felt like a dream. Whenever she laughed, she’d cock her head up to the sky, her hair falling like rain behind her. The dimples on her cheek would peek out like a secret she wanted to hi
de from the world. I wanted her to laugh more--to smile more--and I’d do anything to make sure that she did.
“You’re so beautiful,” I confessed softly.
She had been in the middle of telling me a story, but I couldn't help but let the words slip out. Her eyes widened, and she laughed as though she couldn't believe me. "What?"
She took a sip of her drink, avoiding my gaze, then looked up innocently. “You don’t mean that.”
I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.
“I do. That’s why I said it,” I explained simply. “I’ll say it again. Hanna, you are so beautiful.” Her cheek started to flush a bright crimson. “And if you could see exactly what I see, you’d say it a million times a day.” She gave me another smile. I could tell that she was uncomfortable whenever I complimented her, and it hurt to know that the truth wasn’t something she felt she could believe in.
