by Amber Garza
“I was actually surprised that you joined it. I mean, Cruz, Trey and Carlos aren’t really your usual crowd.”
There’s an angry flicker in his eyes, and I instantly regret my statement.
“I’m sorry. That came out wrong.” I scramble to fix it.
“No, it’s fine. You’re right.” His gaze shifts around uncomfortably. “I guess I just wanted to change things up this summer.”
I know there is more to his story, but I don’t want to press. For god’s sakes, I’m on a date with the most popular guy at my school, and I’m acting like it’s a goddamn therapy session. What the hell is wrong with me?
“That’s cool. I like that idea.” I smile.
“Oh, yeah?” He leans forward, his eyes sparkling.
“Yeah. Changing things up sounds good.” I set my palms on top of the shiny table.
“How are you planning to change things up this summer?” Reaching out, his hands find mine, his fingers curling around them.
“Like this. Being here…” I stare at our fingers woven together in the middle of the table. “…with you.”
In response to my words, his hold on my hand tightens. The intense look on his face gives me pause. I never thought Adam Stewart would need anything from anyone, especially not me. But in this moment it seems that he does. He’s more vulnerable than I ever imagined.
I’m stabbed with a pang of disappointment when our food arrives, causing Adam to release my hands. We both sit up straight and dig into our food. Picking up my large hamburger, I lift it to my lips and take a bite. Juice and ketchup paint my lips. Embarrassed, I quickly reach for my napkin, praying that Adam won’t see it. But when I peer up at him, I see that his face is smeared with sauce too. When he flashes me a sheepish grin, I smile back, realizing I’d misjudged him.
My perception of him had clearly been wrong all these years. Grabbing the napkin in between my fingers I snatch it up and wipe it across my mouth. Then I put down my burger and eat a french fry drenched in ketchup.
“So, what’s the deal with you and Cruz?”
The question comes out of left field. “What do you mean? I told you that we’re friends.”
“Seriously? You two have never dated?”
My stomach clenches. I fiddle with the napkin in my hand. “Nope. Never.”
“Really?” His eyes widen in surprise.
Annoyance surfaces. “Why is that so hard to believe?”
Adam studies me a moment. Then he bends forward, his hand making its way across the table again. “Because he’s around you all the time. I’ve hardly been around you at all, and there’s no way I could stay just friends with you.”
My heart stutters in my chest. I can’t find any words to respond with, so I just stare at him as his fingers brush mine.
8
cruz
It was weird to see Sloane and Adam walk into the garage together. I’ve never seen Sloane with another guy. And the way they were looking at each other was so intimate, as if they were the only two people in the room. It made me wonder if she’s ever looked at me that way. It irks me further to think that maybe I want her to.
I can’t focus at all during practice. All I can think about is how flirty Sloane is being with Adam, and how she keeps staring at him. I also can’t help but notice how sexy she looks in her little dress. Damn it, this is spiraling out of control.
Normally I could play all night long, but tonight I want this practice to be over. I want Trey, Carlos and Adam to go home. And I want to be alone with Sloane. The way it should be. The way it usually is. No tambourine playing, or drumming, or flirty banter. Just me and her.
I don’t even bother picking up my stuff after we finish playing. Instead, I take my opening while Adam, Trey and Carlos are packing up their stuff, and head over to Sloane. I’ll show Adam who’s really important to her. It’s me. It always has been, and it always will be. He might be some big hot shot football player who can get all the girls, but Sloane and I have a connection he’ll never understand.
“It looks like you took Becca’s advice.” I look down at her dress, hating how much I like it. Hating how much it makes my mind wander. Reaching up, I touch her curls. They feel silky against my skin, and I imagine what it would feel like to bury all my fingers in her hair. Shaking away the thoughts, I say, “I like the hair.”
“Thanks.” She bites her lip, and my gaze lingers on it a little too long.
“So, you wanna stay for dinner? Mom made your favorite enchiladas.”
“Ready to go, Sloane?” Adam comes up beside her.
My brows jump up in surprise. Clearly I underestimated him. “I’ll take that as a no.”
Sloane shoots me an apologetic look before turning to Adam. I seriously want to punch the guy in the face all of the sudden. “Yeah. I’ll be there in just a sec.”
Adam nods. “Cool. I’ll just round up my stuff.”
I can’t let Sloane know how upset I am. Besides, she looks so happy. Her eyes are bright, her cheeks are flushed. I don’t want to take this away from her. And I shouldn’t. It wouldn’t be right. I’ve dated other girls, so it’s only fair to let her date other guys, even if I hate it. Plus, my feelings are so conflicted right now. I need to be sure of my feelings before I say anything to her. “Looks like your klutziness worked even better than we thought,” I finally joke. It’s the perfect Cruz thing to say, and I know she’ll buy it.
“Yeah.” She giggles. “Can I get a rain check on the enchiladas?”
“You don’t need a rain check. You know you’re welcome here any time.” Her words bother me. A sad smile passes over my lips. “You always have been.”
“So, we’re cool then?”
“Of course.” I wink. “Have fun with Adam.”
A broad smile sweeps her face that sickens me. “I will. Thanks.”
That’s what I’m afraid of.
It kills me when she walks out of the garage with him. I want to stop her; to make her come back. But I can’t. I pray that he treats her well. That he doesn’t hurt her. And more importantly, that he keeps his paws off her. I have no right to be so possessive, but I can’t help how I feel. I don’t want any other boy’s hands on her except mine. Feeling royally pissed, I storm out of the garage and into the house.
“Whoa. Off to punch more holes in your wall?” Gabe follows me as I tear into my room.
I whip my head around, hoping Mom and Dad didn’t hear. The sound of canned laughter travels from the family room. I heave a sigh of relief. Cleary they’re wrapped up in one of their sitcoms. “Back off, Gabe. I’m not in the mood.”
“Yeah, I can see that.” He eyes me while hovering in my doorway.
I fling myself down on my bed, throwing an arm over my face. “You can close the door on your way out.”
“You sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Gabe takes a step into my room.
Blowing out a breath, I stare up at one of the rock posters on my wall. I bet those guys don’t have the girl problems I’m having. I bet their drummer doesn’t steal the lead singer’s girl. Shaking away the thought, I realize how stupid I’m being. Sloane isn’t my girl, she’s my friend. I need to remember that. “What part of, I’m not in the mood, do you not get?”
“C’mon, tell me what’s going on.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll keep my cool. No more punching the walls.” My gaze shifts to the wall where I sloppily covered the last hole I made.
“That’s not what I’m worried about.” Gabe sits on my bed near my legs. I feel the slope of the mattress from his weight. “I’m your brother. I’m just trying to help.”
I remove my arm from my face, and furrow my brows. “Since when?”
Gabe reels back from my words. “Seriously? I know we haven’t always been that close, but I’ve always had your back.”
“Not really.” I sit up. “You always look for an opportunity to get me in trouble so you can look like the good brother.”
“To be fair, Mom has alwa
ys placated you. You’re her little pet, her favorite.” His eyes darken. “The momma’s boy of the family.”
I hop off the bed, anger simmering. My muscles buzz, my pulse races. “How dare you.”
“Oh, and now you’re gonna threaten me? Maybe throw a punch or two, because then you can just run and tell Mommy that I bullied you. Poor little misunderstood, sensitive, music-loving Cruz.”
I narrow my eyes, ball my hands into fists at my sides. He’s right. I do want to punch him, and I know I’ll be justified if I do. And Mom probably will side with me. It’s the reason I don’t punch him. His words hit a little too close to home.
“You’ve got Mom wrapped around your little finger,” he continues. “So you don’t need any of the rest of us. That’s the real reason none of us have your back.”
“That’s not true. You and Mateo never have my back, but Julian always did.”
He exhales, shaking his head. “I can’t even believe that you still defend Julian after everything he’s put us through.”
Irritation bubbles inside of me, like boiling water just before it foams over the sides and sizzles on the burner. “He wasn’t always like this, and you know it. He’s just going through a tough time.”
Gabe presses his lips into a tight line, the vein on his forehead popping out. “You make it sound like he has cancer or he’s down on his luck. The guy’s a drug addict. He made a choice. This didn’t happen to him.”
I know what he’s saying is true, but it hurts nonetheless. I’m the only one who tries to defend Julian. And honestly, I don’t know why I even bother anymore. Deep down I’m angry with him too. Maybe even more than the rest of the family, because his leaving hurt me deeply. He was my closest sibling, the one brother I could always count on. And then he was gone. Not just physically, but emotionally too. When I see him now he’s merely a shell of his former self. I know the old Julian is in there somewhere, but I can’t find him. He’s buried too deep.
“Whatever. I don’t want to talk about Julian with you.” I fling myself back down on my bed and lay my arm over my face again, blocking Gabe out. “I don’t want to talk to you at all.”
“Fine.” I feel the bed spring up as he stands. Then I hear the shuffling of his feet on the carpet and the door clicking closed.
The truth is, I’m not really angry with Gabe. He’s just an easy target. I’m mad at myself. I wish Sloane had never gone out with Adam tonight. I should have stopped her, begged her to stay here. If only I hadn’t taken her for granted all these years, then maybe she would be here instead of out with Mr. Quarterback. Having Sloane around has been something I count on. The same way I used to count on Julian. He left me, and now I’m worried Sloane will too.
It’s not Gabe’s fault we’ve never been close. We’re both to blame. Or maybe our personalities are. We’ve always been complete opposites. In my family sometimes I feel like the black sheep; like one of those pictures where you pick out what doesn’t belong. But with Sloane I fit. I belong. I’m accepted.
She’s family to me.
Maybe even more than my own brothers.
9
sloane
The sun rises over the hills in the distance and the air is still cool and crisp as I start my morning run. In the summer I have to get up pretty damn early in order to run without dying of heat stroke. I used to try to jog in the evenings, but some nights it doesn’t cool down enough. But this is nice. Besides, there are hardly any people out so it’s the perfect time to clear my head. I’m sure that most people are still in the comfort of their bed. Certainly every teenager I know is. That’s the only hard part – making myself get out of bed. Once I’m out here I’m good. It’s getting out here that’s rough.
My feet pound on the pavement as I turn the corner heading to the trail. The familiar burn in my thighs and warmth in my lungs feels good. I’ve never been great at sports, despite trying them all. It could be in part because I’ve always compared myself to Cruz, who is naturally a better athlete than I am. But when I discovered running, I found something that I was good at. Even better than Cruz, actually. And it felt good. It was nice to find something that was mine and mine alone. Something I could excel at. And the fact that it helps me keep in shape is an added bonus.
Plus, I’ve found over the years that it gives me an outlet. With my overactive imagination and brain that moves at warp speed, I need something that helps me unwind and let go. Running is that for me. It’s my escape, my way of coping.
However, today I have a feeling that even a run won’t quiet my mind. Not with thoughts of Adam racing through it constantly. Images of Adam flood my mind, crashing into me like a powerful wave. Even as sweat beads on my upper lip and snakes down my back, I can’t think of anything other than the way it felt when Adam touched my fingers. It’s more real to me than the sun on my face and the breeze at my back.
The trees and flowers that surround me on the trail don’t catch my attention. All I can think about is the way Adam’s eyes sparkled when he looked at me. As I follow the curve of the trail to the right, I remember that I left my phone sitting on my nightstand at home. For one irrational minute I wonder if Adam has tried to text or call. Then I realize how silly that thought is. It’s not even six in the morning. I’m certain he’s still tucked under the covers in his bed, still dreaming. Picturing Adam in his bed causes a rush of excitement to pulse through my body. Shaking my head, I force the thoughts away. It’s a little too soon in our dating relationship to be imagining him in bed. We haven’t even kissed yet.
It’s just that the whole thing is so crazy. I never would’ve dreamed Adam would ask me out. It seems impossible that I actually went out on a date with him. Like it’s not even real. But it is. It’s very real, and I don’t ever want it to end.
“You realize I’m totally living vicariously through you now.” Becca licks yogurt off a pink spoon.
We are sitting at a round table outside the yogurt shop where Becca works. I giggle, taking a bite of my own yogurt. It’s chocolate with brownie bites and chocolate sauce on top. I think Becca got something fruity with gummy candies mixed in. The two of us seem to be opposite even in what we choose to eat.
“I still can’t believe this is happening! It’s amazing.” Becca’s eyes are alight with excitement, but there is also something else. Something like jealousy.
My chest tightens. I never thought I’d see the day when Becca would be jealous of me. Becca with her petite body, cute clothes, and perfect blond bob. Becca who never has trouble finding a boyfriend. It’s so weird how quickly the tables can turn.
“I know. I can’t believe it either. I feel like pinching myself. Like maybe it’s all just a dream.”
“It’s not a dream.” Becca gives me a pointed look as she digs into her yogurt again. Pulling out her cell phone, she glances down at it. “Shit. My break is over in like three minutes.”
A car drives past, music spilling out the windows. The bass is so loud it rumbles beneath my feet, reverberating through my body. I look over to see a group of Adam’s friends piled inside a compact car, staring out the window. A chill brushes my body. Adam isn’t with them, and it reminds me of the statement he made last night about changing things up. It makes me wonder what happened. What caused his sudden change of heart? And more importantly, how long will it last? I’m not naïve enough to think this will last very long. Soon he’ll return to his football player friends and cheerleader girlfriends. I know I’m just a passing phase, but I’m okay with it. I mean, you only live once, right? And I plan to make the most of it.
“So, what does Cruz think about you dating Adam?” Becca props her elbow up on the table and rests her head in her hand.
I shrug. “He’s fine with it.”
“Really?” She gives me a dubious look.
“Yeah. Why wouldn’t he be?” I finish the last bite of my yogurt and then toss the plastic spoon inside the bowl. It’s so hot out here that sweat beads on my shoulder blades and slides down my bac
k.
Becca shakes her head. “No reason, I guess. Just curious.” It’s obvious she wants to say more, but before I can prod her my cell buzzes.
When my eyes connect with the screen, my stomach flutters.
Adam: Hey. What r u doing?
“Is it Adam?” Becca asks.
I nod, a broad smile sweeping my face.
“Oh, my god. What did he say?”
“Just asked what I was doing.” I type back quickly.
Me: At the yogurt shop with Becca.
“I bet he’s going to ask you out again.” She glances down at her phone. “Damn it, I have to get back to work.” Standing up, she throws me a stern look. “Keep me posted. I want all the details.” Then she hurries inside, leaving her empty bowl on our table.
Adam: Want to hang out later?
Me: Sure.
Adam: Great. I’ll pick u up at 4.
Me: Sounds good.
With shaking hands, I round up our empty bowls and toss them in the trash. Then I hop in my car and head home to get ready for my date with Adam. As I drive, I feel like I’m flying, soaring high above the clouds. I wonder if I’ll ever come down.
10
cruz
“You’re going out with him again?” I lie on top of Sloane’s bed, my hands intertwined under my head.
“Yeah.” She rummages through her drawers trying to locate something to wear.
I had suggested she wear her gym shorts and t-shirt, but she didn’t go for it. I was only half joking. “But I thought we were hanging out tonight.”
“We hang out every night.” She yanks something black and lacy out of her drawer. My stomach knots. “This will give you a chance to hang with your guy friends. Maybe call Trey or Carlos or something.”
“I don’t want to hang out with them. All they want to do is play video games or watch YouTube videos.”
“Yeah, I don’t blame you there.” She smiles while yanking out a pair of jean shorts.
