“In what way?” he said, removing his head from his butt.
“Feeling a bit like an alien life form, desperately wanting to be part of the human race.”
“You should say that to her.”
“I did, as it happens. The other day, when we were making the dumplings.” She smiled. “When she giggled.” Then the smile faded. “Now she’s back to looking at me as though I have fleas.”
“You do realize she looks at everyone like that?”
“I suppose I did, too, at that age. And well beyond.”
“You? A pain in the butt?”
“Hard to believe, I know.” Her eyes flicked to his, then scampered away. “For a while I thought perhaps she, um, saw us.” Her cheeks reddened. “Yesterday. In their room.”
“I sincerely doubt it,” Tony said, his own face prickling as well. “Claire’s not exactly one for keepin’ secrets—”
“Hey, guys,” Rudy yelled back. “There’s a falls up ahead, if you’d like to stop and rest for a minute. The kids can go wading!”
“Just make sure Daph takes her shoes off first,” Tony called back, even as he realized something was building in his brain, something about to come crashing out of his mouth, and he had like exactly one second to stomp on it or—
“You know that jerk you were gonna marry?”
Lili stumbled over a tree root, righting herself before Tony could grab for her. “I used to know him quite well,” she said, deadpan. “What about him?”
“If it’d been me? I would have lived with Godzilla’s mother if it meant getting to kiss you on a regular basis.”
She stood, frozen, for several seconds before starting forward again. “It wasn’t that good,” she mumbled.
“Uh, yeah, it was. I can’t imagine what—”
Okay, he could stop right there. Had damn sight better stop right there.
“You can’t imagine…?”
“Never mind.”
He heard a huff. “And one of the few things that really annoys me is people who don’t finish their sentences.”
“Fine,” he said, turning. “I can’t imagine, if you kiss like that? What you must be like in bed. And don’t look at me like that, you asked.”
She blinked at him for several seconds, then started walking again. “I think this is one of those places we’re not supposed to go?”
“Hey. I’m a guy. We’re always at that particular place. And anyway, I tried to stop. You wouldn’t let me.”
Silence dropped between them like a giant army boot. They hiked another fifty feet or so in that throbbing quiet—except for the deafening chatter of roughly five bazillion birds—until they reached the falls. The boys and Daphne were already in the water at the base of the falls while Claire hung back, too cool for school. Although even Claire looked impressed by the scene. As well she should.
Tony tilted back the brim of his ball cap, trying to take it all in. Grumpy as he was, he still had to admit it was like something right out of a freaking travel brochure. They weren’t talking Niagara or anything, maybe a twenty-foot drop, but between the trees soaring all around them, the gurgling stream tumbling over and around glistening black rocks, the water sparkling from the spears of sunlight cutting right through all those trees…it was something else.
“Wow,” Tony said at the same time Lili said, so softly he almost didn’t catch it, “I have no idea what I’d be like in bed. I’m a virgin.”
Chapter Ten
And you told him this, why?
Staring at the roaring waterfall, Lili felt Tony’s gaze bore through her. Certainly, it wasn’t any of his business. Nor did her sexual experience have the slightest bearing on their relationship. And yet, his comment had provoked something inside her, shoving the words out of her mouth.
“That’s a joke, right?”
Her brow knotted, she looked at him, only to nearly laugh at his incredulous expression. “Not at all.”
“But…you said you were engaged…?”
“Peter was very old-fashioned. And I was still quite young.”
“Excuse me, but Peter must’ve been dead. And that was how many years ago?”
Facing the falls again, Lili shoved her hands her shorts pockets. “You know, when I told you about taking care of my mother, I said it was my own choice? Well, this falls into the same category. Until Peter, I’d never met anyone I cared to take my clothes off for. When he didn’t seem particularly interested whether I did or not…”
“You were scarred for life, what?”
She softly laughed. “Of course not. But neither did I see that…misstep as an excuse to lower my standards, either.” Looking back at Tony, she said, “It’s not as if I took some vow of chastity, or had any deep-seated fears about sex, or any of that. I simply wanted to be in love when I made love.”
“It can’t be that simple.”
“Why not? Sex for its own sake has never interested me.” She paused, took a deep breath. “And until recently, I’ve never felt I was particularly missing out.”
Lili could feel Tony’s eyes on her face again, knew he was much too smart to not get her point. Granted, there’d probably be scant opportunity while they were here to use any of the condoms from that last-minute trip to the drugstore, but her buying them certainly spoke to a major shift in her thinking. And heaven knows hope had flared, however briefly, with that not-to-be-believed kiss, when she’d felt more than ample evidence of Tony’s interest in taking things further. At least physically.
But then, as she’d said, she wasn’t naïve. Simply because she didn’t/couldn’t/refused to separate sex from love, she was well aware the same wasn’t true for the vast majority of the human population. Especially the male half. After all, an erection was only an instinct-driven response to physical stimulus—
Tony’s ringtone startled her out of her thoughts. He yanked the phone off his belt as though flames were shooting from it, only to simply stare at the display, letting it ring.
“Tony?”
“It’s them.”
“Answer it,” Lili said softly.
Finally, he lifted the phone to his ear. “Hello?…Yeah, this is him.” Expressionless, he faced slightly away; Lily watched, barely breathing, her heart cracking when his head dropped forward, his eyes squeezed shut. “Yeah,” he mumbled after a moment, looking up. “I’ll do that. Thanks.”
For several seconds, he stood still, staring blankly at his other children, Daphne laughing and splashing in the water, Claire sitting on the edge of the stream, hugging her knees as though trying to hold herself, and her life, together.
“Tony?” Lili whispered, tears stinging.
“You mind leavin’ me alone for a sec?” His voice…it didn’t even sound like Tony. And it killed her, watching him refuse to cower under yet another blow, helpless to do a single thing to comfort him. Not that there were any words. But at the moment she didn’t dare even lay a hand on his arm without arousing suspicion.
“Of course not. Do you…I think we should probably head back home, don’t you?”
At last he shifted his gaze to hers. There was nothing there. Nothing. No pain, no anger, certainly no real comprehension. But far worse than that, there was no Tony. However, even as fear rippled through her, he took a deep breath, gave her a small smile. “I’ll let you know.”
She left him then, to pick her way down the slippery bank to the stream’s edge, where both Rudy and Claire shot her questioning glances which she didn’t return. Instead she forced herself to join in the children’s play, even removing her shoes and socks to wade in the freezing water. Her heart, however, stayed with the man on the other side of the stream, his eyes fixed on them…but his mind, Lili suspected, was very, very far away indeed.
Even numb with shock, Tony realized he needed to pull himself together, pronto. Not if he didn’t want a buttload of unwanted questions to come crashing down on his head. So after a minute or two, like he’d already done God knew how many times over the pa
st year—okay, longer, ever since he and Rissa started having problems—he got up off his sorry ass, plastered a smile to his face and acted like everything was okay.
Never mind that all he wanted to do was go straight back to the inn, haul Josie into his arms and hold on for dear life…followed by wanting to punch something until his knuckles were bloody.
Naturally Claire got to him first, her little pinched face and concerned eyes getting to him in other, far more painful ways. He preempted the inevitable interrogation, though, by plunking down on the damp ground beside her to remove his shoes and socks.
“You’re not actually going in there?”
Thank you, Diversionary Tactic #356.
“I actually am. Everybody else is. Except you. Look, even Lili’s in the water,” he said, and she looked over and waved, and he suddenly remembered their conversation before The Phone Call, that she’d never had sex, a conversation that seemed blurry and faded and irrelevant, now that he knew for sure—
Tony doubled over, using the excuse to stuff his socks into his shoes as a cover for feeling like he’d just been gutted. He’d thought the not knowing was horrible? This was a hundred, a thousand times worse.
Steeling himself, Tony got up to carefully wade into the icy stream, the sharp sting of cold making him catch his breath, making him wish it would go right through his bloodstream to freeze his heart so he couldn’t feel the pain. Lili’s eyes glanced off his before just before Daphne splashed her; she gasped, then spun around to grab the giggling seven-year-old in her arms, and Tony’s heart ached ever harder, at how messed up everything was.
Everything.
I can’t make everybody happy, dammit! he wanted to scream, his head pounding as he thought how fathers were a lot like doctors—even if they couldn’t fix things, they shouldn’t make things worse, either.
Somehow, he got through the rest of the morning, and the walk back, and lunch, sticking closer to the kids than usual, until Violet gathered up all the females and took them to the outlet mall and Rudy went off somewhere with the boys, leaving Tony with Josie and the dogs.
And the looming prospect of making the worst phone call of his life.
By the time they hit up the third store, Lili could feel her poor credit card trembling deep in her purse, whimpering, “Please! No more! I’ll do whatever you want, just please stop swiping me through those machines!”
Blithely ignoring the plastic’s pleas, she surveyed the acres of pretties before her. Who knew a simple holiday in New Hampshire would release a latent desire to shore up the sagging U.S. economy?
Not to mention her sagging spirits. Although there’d been far too much laughter and loud music and chatter in the car on the way here for Lili to obsess about Tony’s plight, it still murmured in the back of her brain, a white noise that was anything but soothing. The good news was, however, that the expedition had seemed to perk Claire up a bit, as well, even if she’d spent all the cash her father had given her on things for Josie, rather than herself. But while Lili still caught the occasional wary look, she also noticed the girl seemed to stick closer to Lili than the others.
Interesting.
Now, as Stacey led Violet straight to Juniors, Lili took Daphne’s hand and gave her a stern look. “Okay, cutie—last store. It’s now or never.”
“But I can’t decide,” Miss Dimples said, clearly determined to take her cash—currently keeping Lili’s whimpering credit card company—to the grave.
“Yeah,” Claire said as, for the third time, she looked longingly at the racks of clothes. “We just went shopping with Nana, it’s not like we really need anything.”
“Oh, yeah—khaki jumpers and white polo shirts, whoo-hoo,” Lili said, leading them smartly toward the Girls’ section, figuring if indulgent auntie was the only role she was allowed in this little scenario, she would play it to the hilt.
“And blue sweaters,” Daphne put in.
“Oh, well, then,” Lili said, and Daph giggled.
“Besides,” Claire said, moving toward a table of embroidered, beaded hoodies in assorted shades of blindingly bright, “I already spent all my money on the baby.” Lili watched as the girl delicately traced one finger over a silky curlicue; Daph, too, grabbed one of the hoodies, holding it up to her for a second before yanking it on. Two sizes too big, it came halfway down her thighs. And looked absolutely adorable.
“This is so cool!” she said, her dark curls spilling over the hot pink fabric.
“You should totally get it, Daph,” Claire said, nodding. And tucking her hand behind her back. “It’s really pretty.”
The smaller girl frowned at the price tag. “Do I have enough money?”
Claire checked. “Plenty,” she said, the torn look in her eyes speaking volumes—that she wanted, but for whatever reason thought she couldn’t, or shouldn’t have. Now Lili wondered if Claire’s insistence on buying toys and outfits for Josie had been a thinly veiled diversionary tactic so she wouldn’t have to deal with the inevitable body issues that arose when buying clothes for herself.
Well, that’s just crazy, Lili thought, marching over to the table and skimming the choices. “Which is your favorite color, Claire? Red? Orange? Oh—how about this turquoise?” she said, yanking it off the pile and unfolding it, the dark pink and purple embroidery and beads shimmering in the store’s lights, and for a brief moment she was twelve again, watching her mother pour herself into a spangly, sparkly costume Lili would never wear. “What do you think, Daph? Wouldn’t this be perfect with Claire’s hair color?”
“Yeah, totally. Try it on, Claire—”
“Oh, no, I don’t think so—”
“Just so I can see how it looks on you. Because I think…” Lili scanned the pile for one large enough to fit her. Bright yellow. With turquoise and purple embroidery. Toss in a pair of wings and she could hide out in the rainforest. “I’m going to get this one,” she said, tugging it over her head.
Finally Claire put hers on, too. “Wow, it’s…big.”
“That’s the style,” Lili said. “Hey—now we all look like Hollis!”
Daphne giggled and even Claire grinned, walking a few feet away to admire her reflection in a mirror. “Except Hollis wouldn’t be caught dead in beads.”
“Another reason why it’s good to be a girl. Right, Daph?”
“Yeah,” she said, fist-pumping—
“But I spent all my money already,” Claire said.
“Oh, this is my treat. For you, too, Daphne.”
“Thanks!”
“Really?” Claire said, still looking at her reflection.
“Really.”
“Holy bejeebers!” Violet called across the store at them, shielding her eyes with her hand. “Those bright enough? They’ll be able to see the three of ya in Canada!”
Lili and the girls all burst out laughing, then removed the tops so Lili could pay for them. As they carted them to the cashier, Daphne said, “Nana’s going to totally hate these.”
Prying the quaking credit card from her wallet, Lili glanced at Claire. Who shrugged. “She’ll live.”
At least this, Lili thought, handing everything to the girl behind the register as the worries she’d held off all afternoon about Tony and Josie roared back, flooding her heart.
Josie down for her nap, Tony and the dogs went out onto the empty front porch. Buoyed by the beasts’ silent Go on, man—you can do this expressions, he dragged Cole Jamison’s business card out of his wallet, punching in the number before he lost his nerve. Cole picked up on the first ring.
“Jamison here…. Hello? Is anybody th—”
“She’s not mine.”
Cole sucked in a breath. “They’re sure?”
“They do a double test. So, yeah. They’re sure.”
A pause. “Still doesn’t mean I’m the father.”
“Excuse me?”
“Without my DNA, there’s no way of proving the kid’s mine.”
Dropping onto a wicker chair b
y the front door, Tony rubbed his eyes, trying to make the pieces of this ridiculous puzzle fit. “Look, you idiot,” he said softly, “it’s not like I wanted the test to turn out this way. I mean, I should be happy as hell that you obviously don’t want her. But if Rissa sent you a letter, too, I assume that kinda narrows it down—”
“And who’s to say you and I were the only chumps to get letters?”
Tony shot to his feet, even though he couldn’t punch out the guy’s lights through the phone. More’s the pity. “And maybe this isn’t about us, it’s about Josie—”
“You can’t force me to get a test, Vaccaro. And since you obviously don’t want to give her up…” He heard a sigh. “I’m just trying to make this easier for everyone. My wife, my kids…they can’t find out about this.”
Tony almost laughed. “Yeah, well, maybe you should’ve thought that through a little harder three years ago. You really are a piece of work, aren’tcha? Although not a very bright one, since you kinda outted yourself when you showed up at my house.”
“I panicked, okay? I didn’t know what she’d told you, didn’t want you coming to my house—”
“Yeah, I got that. And the thing is, we don’t know if she told anybody else.” Tony blew out a sharp breath. “Which means there’s a real strong possibility this is gonna come back to bite one or both of us in the butt one day. No, I can’t force you to take a paternity test. And yeah, in the short term it would definitely be in my best interests if you didn’t. But neither do I want this hangin’ over my head for the next however many years, wondering if and when you’re gonna suddenly have a change of heart—”
“That won’t—”
“And if God forbid something happened to Josie and I couldn’t donate bone marrow or whatever because I’m not the kid’s father, you better believe at that point? I would hunt you down and get a piece of your hair or a chunk outta your backside, it wouldn’t matter to me, and get that proof. And then I’d go in and get whatever it was Josie needed!”
From Friends to Forever Page 14
