by A. S. Kelly
“I don’t believe in crap like that.”
“Maybe you should.”
“Destiny would have you risk your career so that she and I would run into each other?”
“Well, I wasn’t really hoping for that outcome, but now that we’re all here…”
“You’re a damn manipulator.”
“Maybe, just a bit.”
“You can’t control our lives.”
“I’m only protecting what I love, and my sister is what I love most in my life.”
“And sport?”
“It’s only because of her that I have all this. Life gave me just one sister, and Riley gave me the rest.”
“You’re a great player, Jamie. You deserve what you’ve earned.”
“Not without her giving me every possibility in the world,” he sighs pensively, then continues, “you have to do something.”
“What?”
“I’ve watched the little games you’ve both played for too long, and I’ve wanted to stay out of it. I thought at least one of you was a bit brighter than that.”
“Stay out of it, Jamie. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“I don’t know what I’m talking about? Oh Jesus, I know it off by heart. You’re both the problem. You drive me mad.”
“We aren’t doing anything. We haven’t seen each other in…”
“A year. I know.”
One year, two months, twenty days and three hours.
“I can’t even bring up the subject with her. You know you’ve become the unnamable bastard?”
“Okay. Well, she’s hit it on the head.”
“So, I decided to work on you.”
“On me?” I look at him.
“I can’t let her to go into hiding again.”
“Isn’t she sitting right here?”
“I don’t want her to run away from herself. And you, my friend, you’re going to help me.”
“Me? What the fuck do you want me to do?”
“This time, you’re going to do the right thing.”
“I didn’t force her to go into hiding.”
“You hurt her.”
Huh. Sounds like he knows a lot more detail than I thought she’d be willing to share. It’s useless for me to tiptoe around it. I should cut him off now before he gets carried away.
“I’d do it again,” I tell him, looking him in the eyes.
“Well, you’re not going to.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“Because I’ve seen how you look at her, mate.”
Shit.
“How could you want that for your sister? Someone like me?”
“I wasn’t the one who chose you.”
Jamie pulls himself up to a sitting position. He looks at her for a few seconds and then starts speaking again.
“I just want to see her happy. She gave up on her own life for me, and I’d do the same for her.”
I clench my jaw at what Jamie is implying.
“And what about you?”
I jerk up to look at him.
“What about me?”
“What would you be willing to do?”
My gaze goes back to her, curled up on a chair in her brother’s hospital room.
“I’ve already let her go once.”
“Would you do it again?”
I don’t answer.
“Ian…”
“What do you want from me, Jamie?” I ask in frustration.
“I want you to be honest, with me and with yourself.”
I look at her again, and I feel my heart tighten in my chest.
“I don’t think I can to do it again,” I say honestly.
“Well then, at least just try not to send her off running again.”
“And how the hell am I supposed to do that?”
Jamie looks at me, serious.
“Sometimes, if you want someone to stay, all you have to do is ask them not to leave.”
6
Ian
This morning, all I wanted to do was take my time, wake up without an alarm, have a shower, drink a coffee, and take a long ride to keep out of Ryan’s hair – who has apparently decided to vegetate at my house – but as soon as I tried to push off, it became clear that something was wrong with my motorbike, and I had to tinker around with it until early afternoon. I could have waited until Monday to take it into the garage, but I hoped that it might be something insignificant, so I could deal with it myself. I like getting my hands greasy, lying on the ground and touching all of its most intimate parts as if it were a woman, because that’s how I treat it.
I pull myself off the ground and grab a rag to clean my hands as I look at my bike in satisfaction, pleased with myself for having fixed it on my own.
“Wow, you’ve got your future nailed down,” Ryan says, trying to wind me up.
“Sure do, how about you?” I answer, without even looking at him.
“Fuck off.”
Always in a good mood.
I open the gate to my apartment, which used to be in the garage, but when the area was remodeled the place was changed into a loft and, all things considered, it makes sense. I could have put a door in, but I don’t mind keeping part of the original design, and it’s pretty ideal for my bike.
I go outside to get some air and have a smoke, after being closed inside almost all day, but as soon as the gate is halfway up, I see someone standing on the other side of the road.
I crouch down to go out, and as I am on my way up, the cigarette that I had just put in my mouth falls to the tarmac.
Crap.
She looks around with the air of someone who mistakenly ended up in a bad neighborhood, afraid and nervous. She’s wearing a pair of jeans, gym shoes, and a huge sweatshirt, her hair completely windswept.
A strange sensation grapples my stomach as if someone had bitten me from the inside.
I step out on the pavement at the same moment she notices me; she crosses the street slowly, looking in both directions while my heart beats arrogantly in my chest.
She stops and keeps her eyes on her shoes, biting her lip nervously and trying to fix her hair.
I stand still with my arms hanging at my sides, attempting to control my breathing, resigned to her invasion and the disaster that is about to storm through my life again; I’d like to push away from myself with all of my might, but I know that I don’t have the strength.
I decide to put an end to my agony, and to hers, and get right to the point.
“Why are you here?” I ask her, taking out another cigarette and nervously lighting it, trying to mask the need to send her away immediately.
She stands perfectly still without making a sound. To be honest, I can’t even tell if she’s still breathing, which worries me enough to speak to her.
“Are you alright, Riley?”
“I need to speak to you.”
Send her away. Send her away. Send her away.
I throw the cigarette onto the ground and invite her to follow me inside, holding the gate open for her to pass. As soon as we enter my living room, Ryan jumps to his feet from the sofa.
“Holy shit!”
“Get out of my house right now!” I point to the door.
“Where the hell am I supposed to go?”
“Not my problem.”
Ryan stands there, frozen with his hands on his hips. He looks at me questioningly and then shakes his head in disapproval.
He grabs his jacket and walks over to me, whispering in my ear.
“I see a shitstorm on the horizon.”
“Out!”
He raises his hands in a defensive gesture and waves to Riley before finally leaving my apartment.
I go to the kitchenette to put on the kettle and make some coffee. I pour two cups and walk back to her, still stuck in the doorway. I hand one to her, and after looking at it for a few seconds, she decides to accept it, thanking me with a nod of her head.
I point to the sofa, and she t
akes a minute to determine if it’s safe. She sits on the edge as if she’s preparing to make a run for it at the first opportunity.
“I’ll get right to the point,” she begins, her voice highly controlled and overly confident, but her shaky hands holding the cup betray her.
I rest my hips against the counter behind me because I don’t think my legs are able to hold me up.
She’s been here for two minutes, and I already feel like I’m suffocating.
“Try to stay away from me.”
“What the hell…?”
“I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to deal with you, and I don’t want to have you around.”
“And what should I do?”
“I certainly can’t stop you from seeing Jamie, but when you’re both out of the centre…”
“You’re telling me not to come round?”
She nods.
“You’re…you’re…you’re pathetic, Riley.”
My pride and my stupidity speak for me.
“Of course.” She stands up and comes closer, resting her cup on the counter next to me. “I should have expected it.”
“What?”
“That you’d react like a bastard, Ian O’Connor,” she says, showering me with her resentment, which triggers mine as well.
She goes over to the door, but I can’t let her just show up here like nothing happened, insult me, and then walk away.
She can’t do whatever the hell she pleases with me.
I follow her and grab her arm to stop her from leaving.
I squeeze it.
Hard.
My fingers make an impression on her skin. I make her turn to me and hold my face right up to hers.
I’m angry, furious.
Hurt.
“I am a fucking bastard,” I enunciate each word with rage, looking her in the eyes, but when I recognise the terror in hers, I release my grip on her arm, realising what I was doing.
She takes advantage of my confusion to back away in fear towards the door, massaging the spot where I grabbed her with her fingers. Before she’s able to lift it, my hand slams down on the metal.
“You shouldn’t have come here. It was a mistake.”
She’s frozen in place.
“Another mistake,” I say in her ear, holding her in place. “It’s always a mistake when I’m involved. You should know that.”
I slowly let my hand slide down and take a few steps backwards to allow her breathe.
And to let myself breathe.
“If you don’t want to see me, you can start by not showing up at my house,” I tell her through my teeth, trying to erase the last memory I have of her.
She turns and lifts her chin.
“You know, solitude dirties the soul, Ian O’Connor. And yours is black. Maybe even blacker than mine.”
Her words get lost in the asphyxiating silence in this apartment.
I don’t have space.
I don’t have air.
I don’t have her.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I breathe on her neck.
I can’t fall for it. I have to save us both.
“You should leave now.” My voice starts to lose its sense of control.
“I’ll go right away, don’t worry.” Her voice quivers.
“I’ll take you.”
The words come directly from my stomach.
“There’s no need. I’ll take the bus.”
“I wasn’t offering.”
She glares at me as anger colours her face.
“You’re a real piece of work, you know that? First, you say I’m pathetic, that I have to get out of here, and now, you want to take me home? You’ve got a real problem, Ian.”
“It’s you, Riley. You’re the only problem I have, and you know I don’t like having problems,” I tell her, looking her right in the eyes, where the reflection of everything we weren’t hits me forcefully, smashing into my heart in an instant.
God help me. I’m still there.
“Well then, I’ll just go myself.”
She turns again, lifts the door, and disappears onto the street.
I stand there, incapable of moving, of speaking, of thinking.
I can’t even breathe.
God. She’s still here.
7
Ian
I knock on the door while opening it, and stick my head around to see Jamie putting on his jacket.
“Here you are, finally.”
“Ready to go home?”
“Hell, yes. I can’t stand being here anymore, even if the staff are great.”
“Oh, I imagine they are,” I say shaking my head. “Where’s your stuff?”
“It’s all in that bag there,” he says, pointing over to it. “We’re just waiting on Riley. She went downstairs to get my folder.”
“Riley?” I ask on the verge of suffocating.
He looks at me, pleased with himself.
“What the fuck are you trying to do here?”
“Me? Nothing.”
“Okay then. I have everything we need. I asked them to call us a cab so…” Riley lifts her eyes from a bunch of papers she’s holding in her hand and stops in the middle of the room.
“Do all of your meetings have to be like this?” Jamie asks looking first at me and then at his sister.
“Sometimes, it’s even worse,” she says bitterly, crossing her arms over her chest. “What are you doing here?”
“I came to bring Jamie home.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“I called him.” Jamie intervenes. “I asked him to stop by and pick up my car.”
“I wish you would have thought of that before, I could’ve avoided taking a day off work.”
“I forgot to tell you.”
“Of course,” she says, looking at him in annoyance.
“Well, we’re all here now, shall we go?” He starts out of the room.
Riley sighs in frustration and bends over to pick up Jamie’s bag.
“Leave it. I’ll take it.”
“I can do it,” she says proudly, before hoisting Jamie’s big bag and following him into the hall.
Fair enough. This is what I get.
In the car park, Riley puts the bag in the boot while Jamie gets into the back seat.
“What are you doing?” she asks him.
“I can’t sit in the front. I need to extend my leg. You can sit next to Ian,” he says with fake innocence.
Nothing about what he just did is innocent. He’s a dirty, no-good manipulator, that’s what he is, and he’s definitely not helping this awkward situation at all.
Riley huffs and takes her place in front as I take mine behind the wheel and drive us out of the car park.
I try to avoid breathing in the car, and I’m pretty sure Riley’s doing the same. Jamie talks and talks without a break, trying to engage us in conversation but neither of us have any intention of joining in.
Detachment. Indifference. That’s what the situation calls for.
In almost total silence, I leave the city and head towards Ballsbridge, hoping that this nearness doesn’t kill either of us.
“Thanks a million, Ian,” Jamie says, sitting on the sofa. “God, how can I already be this worn out? I haven’t done anything.”
“It’s been tough on you,” Riley says, setting the bag down. “And you need to take it easy, okay? Try not to do too much for a few days. Do you need anything? Do you want me to stay?”
“Nah, I’m fine. I might be getting a visitor later.”
Riley shakes her head and looks at her watch.
“Alright then, I’ll leave you in the hands of your visitor. I’m going home. If you need something, call me, alright?” she tells him, lowering down to give him a kiss on the cheek.
“Ian can give you a ride,” Jamie announces.
“That’s not necessary.”
“But Ian insists on it,” he continues, raising an eyebrow, daring me to contradi
ct him.
Bastard.
“Of course. It’s no problem.”
Say no, say no, say no.
“Really?” Riley asks, finally looking me in the eyes, “There’s no problem? I thought I was the problem you needed to free yourself from, Ian.”
I deserved that, too.
“What are you talking about?” Jamie asks, curious.
“Oh, a nice conversation we had…”
“It’s not a problem for me to drive you home,” I interrupt her.
“It’s a problem for me. I’d rather call a cab,” she concludes before taking her bag and walking out.
“Move it, you arsehole.” Jamie motions for me to follow her.
I sigh in frustration and go outside.
“Riley,” I call to her. “I’ll take you, come on.”
She turns to me, tilting her head. “I’m not going anywhere with you.”
I get on the motorbike and hand her the helmet.
“Get on,” I order her.
“You can’t tell me what to do, and you won’t convince me to get on that damn bike.”
“I’m not going to repeat myself.”
“Don’t try to intimidate me. Your ‘tough guy’ act doesn’t work on me.”
Completely frustrated by her presence, I lean the bike on its stand and approach her threateningly. She takes two steps backwards, but I don’t let her move away more than that as I grab her arm and squeeze it tightly.
Her fragile body is completely dominated by mine and the sensation of having this much control over her sends my senses into overdrive.
Riley pushes her hands against my chest to keep me away from her, and it provokes a strange response in me; it’s a mix of resentment, because she feels the need to put this useless distance between us, and something that burns my stomach.
“Knock it off, Riley! I said I’m going to take you home. So, get on and stop pissing around. Got it?”
She holds my gaze with the same hardness that I showed her, before shaking off my arm and grabbing the helmet.
“Don’t ever try to touch me again,” she threatens, putting the helmet on her head.
Her words don’t hurt me.
No.
Her words explode inside me, empty me out. Destroy me.
“I live in town, just outside the centre. 537 North Circular Road.”
