Ian (O'Connor Brothers #1)

by A. S. Kelly

  I glance at him.

  “I thought you’d ended that, bro. And yet there she was today, sitting in the reserved seating. Is there something I should know?”

  I swallow hard.

  “Are you back in there?”

  I lie down, covering my eyes with my arm.

  “I was never out of it, Nick. I never will be.”

  29

  Riley

  I fiddle with my fork, pushing my Caesar salad around the plate, setting off another frustrated sigh from Kate.

  “So, you’re not going to talk to me, then?”

  “I have nothing to say,” I tell her, setting the plate and fork down on the table.

  “You didn’t eat your lunch,” she points out and I start to regret agreeing to have something with her before going home.

  “I’m worried about you, Riley.”

  “No need, everything’s alright.”

  “Ray says that you were upset after the game.”

  “Ray should mind his own business.”

  “If there’s something wrong, you can talk to me about it. We’re friends, you know.”

  I give her a strained smile.

  “Sometimes I don’t feel like I know you at all. You’re so reserved. I don’t know anything about your life before you joined the theatre.”

  “There’s nothing to talk about, Kate. My life is very boring, believe me.”

  “So this guy who plays for Leinster just came out of nowhere?”

  Kate’s phone goes off on the table, giving me a moment of peace.

  “We’re not done here,” she threatens me before picking up.

  I shouldn’t have asked Ray to come with me.

  Watching the game upset me. What I felt while I was there upset me. He upsets me and that can only be a bad thing.

  What I feel when I’m next to him, when I think about him, when the memory of what we shared together comes back to hurt me…it’s all too much, dangerous.

  Wrong.

  Outside of my grasp.

  I look out the window of Madigan’s on O’Connell Street, sighing sadly when I see right in that moment a pair of familiar-looking shoulders pass me by on the street outside.

  I jump to my feet.

  “Everything okay, Riley?” Kate asks, placing a hand over her phone.

  I continue to watch the man walk away, getting lost in the crowd; he has his arm around a woman. He holds her closely, almost protecting her as if to say, ‘she’s mine, don’t touch’ and I’m lucky my heart doesn’t flop out of my ribcage and splatter all over the lurid, sticky floor.

  “Hey, what’s going on?”

  I sit back down and look at her, disorientated.

  “Nothing, I thought it was…” I shake my head and try to sit still but I can’t avoid acknowledging what’s going through my mind right now. That I was this close from running up behind him and slapping him across the face.

  It’s unreasonable, it makes no sense: I know that. I shouldn’t care who he goes out with or what he does. It shouldn’t matter to me if he has a girlfriend and didn’t tell me, that he deliberately tried to keep me in the dark about it when I showed up at his house. A house he probably shares with her! Or if he came to my house, if we ate together, he touched me and now he’s touching someone else. Or if he beat that guy up just because he was dancing with me, as if he cared that I was next to some other man.

  It shouldn’t matter to me.

  His life isn’t my business.

  He isn’t mine.

  But I can feel it. This terrible disappointment. This tingling in my eyes. This unbearable pain in my heart that pushes down hard, making it difficult for me to breathe.

  I feel it all.

  Again.

  And it’s all his fault.

  I should have known he was a bastard, just like he told me he was. I keep telling myself this: and yet, I get up, grab my purse and run outside. I look in the street searching for the man who just walked past me and, God, there he is. I could spot him even five hundred metres away.

  “Riley,” Kate joins me outside. “What is going on here?”

  I stop myself just in time to see her worried eyes.

  “I’m sorry, it’s just that I saw something, someone…and I need to sort something out.”

  “You’re scaring me.”

  She’s right. I’m scaring myself too. I’m afraid of my own thoughts and of what I’m about to do.

  “I’ll call you later, okay? I have to go now.”

  I kiss her cheek and start walking quickly through the crowds, unaware of the hard shoulders I’m getting as I make my way through. I’m in a trance, lost in my own madness, needing to know who that woman is, what he’s doing there with her and why he’s hugging her.

  Why he’s hugging her and not me.

  I reach them in front of the bus stop. He kisses her lips before she steps onto the bus.

  And then he turns. He passes me without seeing me and I stand there, frozen in the middle of the street, gasping for breath, with the terrible sensation that I’m going completely mad.

  I watch his back disappear into the crowd and I feel as if I’m going to drop to the pavement in desperation.

  I feel numb, crumpled, as if I’ve just taken a few kicks to the stomach. I’m angry, disappointed and hurt. I just chased a perfect stranger down the road, ready to cause a big scene, yell at him and give him a piece of my mind.

  I can’t believe it.

  I was so close to doing it. Getting hysterical. Screaming. I can’t hide what I’m feeling. I can’t hide behind my silence. I can’t find comfort in my solitude.

  I was about to lose control.

  I didn’t lose it when Jamie would cry, holding onto me every night. When I protected him against everyone who wanted to hurt him. Not when they pulled him from my arms.

  But I was ready to do it. For him.

  And all because he’s in my head, my body and my damn heart.

  Ian is everywhere.

  Ian makes me feel everything.

  It’s unbearable now.

  I hate this labyrinth of emotion and sentimentality. I hate remembering, I hate feeling, I hate hoping and I hate what I’m feeling right now.

  I hate what I want.

  Him.

  30

  Ian

  A dull thud on the door wakes me from an uneasy sleep. I sit up in the middle of my bed trying to figure out what it is, but nothing else happens. I lie back down, sleepily thinking I must have been having a nightmare, when another knock makes me jump out of bed.

  I grab my jeans off the floor and slip them on quickly, going to the door. I place my hands against the cold metal and put my ear against it.

  “Ian…?”

  It’s barely more than a whisper, but it’s a call I can’t avoid.

  I crouch down and open the door completely.

  Riley is in front of me under the pouring rain. She’s shaking, her teeth are chattering from the cold and she’s wrapped her arms around her chest. I don’t think twice. I grab her by the shoulders and pull her to me.

  I don’t know why she’s here, but my good sense should tell me to put her in a taxi and send her home, to stop going out and looking for her.

  But this fucking heart never listens to anything I say.

  It’s always been in the palm of her hand.

  She lifts her head and I lower my gaze to look at her and what I see in her eyes is something I can’t stand, something I want to kiss away right this minute.

  Her hands slide down my face, slowly and quivering. My legs feel like they could give way under her touch, so wanted, so longed-for.

  I have to have her.

  She brushes the wound on my forehead then drops her fingertips down to my busted lip, and I almost faint at her feet.

  She brings her head in close to my face and when I understand what she’s going to do, I grab her arm and push her away from me hard.

  Her expression changes. She wrinkles her forehe
ad in confusion then I see rage fill her eyes as she shakes free from my grip. She turns to leave but I grab her again by the wrist and spin her around to face me.

  There is resentment in her eyes, discomfort and that damn loneliness that swallows me up and makes me want things I shouldn’t. That has stirred up something in me ever since the night I first denied her a stupid dance.

  “Why are you here?” I yell at her, angrily.

  She left. She left the stadium as fast as she could and didn’t look back. She showed that I’m not her player and I never will be.

  She abandoned me.

  “I’m stupid!” she says, freeing herself again from my grip. I grab her again with both of my hands and trap her arms. She protests, fighting and yelling and I let her get it out. Then, she looks up at me and I’m engulfed by a wave of my own desire, pulling me under cutting off my oxygen.

  A desire that has worn me down to my bones and that I could die from right now.

  I let her arms go and grab her face.

  And then it happens.

  My mouth crushes down hard on hers. Assertive, possessive.

  It’s a violent kiss, full of anger and blind madness.

  A repressed desire full of pain.

  I put my hands in her hair and pull her in forcefully, bending her into my desperation.

  I slip my tongue into her mouth and invade it greedily.

  I don’t let her breathe.

  I don’t breathe either.

  Her hands snake up to my hair and a shiver of arousal runs through me, devouring me completely and enticing me to press myself up to her wet body.

  We’re fighting.

  A fight with lips, teeth and tongues.

  A fight between two broken souls.

  A fight I’m destined to lose.

  Before I completely lose control, I back away quickly, pushing her away from me. Her lost expression breaks my heart but I can’t do this. I can’t have her this way.

  Not if she won’t be completely mine.

  I close my eyes and turn from her, into the kitchen.

  Please leave now, Riley.

  The sound of the door closing makes me snap around. Riley approaches me in silence.

  “I need this,” she tells me. And then she takes my hands and places them on her hips. I squeeze her tightly. “I need it right now,” she says, edging dangerously close to my body.

  “You don’t really want it,” I say, a last-ditch attempt before I jump into a bottomless pit.

  She caresses my face and speaks directly into my lips.

  “I just want to forget everything, please.”

  And right now, all I want is to forget too.

  31

  Riley

  I want him to take away my madness, give me back my rationality. I want him to make me forget, to block out my memories, to take everything I have left and clear out my soul.

  I want him to take what can’t be anything but his.

  My last words seem to move him. His eyes go darker. They dig, they empty and then fill back up again.

  Ian grabs my hips and lifts me up, sitting me on the kitchen counter. Then he stops, lowering his hands next to my body and hanging his head.

  He’s defeated. He’s fighting himself just like I have been all night, before breaking down and coming here.

  But after believing that he could want another woman, after imagining his hands all over someone else, I really thought I was going to lose my mind.

  I had to have him.

  He slowly lifts his head and when he looks at me that weight that I had on my chest lightens, allowing me to breathe again. He comes towards my face and sighs onto my lips.

  I sigh too, in anticipation and pure excitement; because I want him.

  Right now.

  He takes my bottom lip between his teeth and I let out a suffering moan that ignites his uncontrollable desire. He grabs my arse cheeks and slides me forward, to the edge of the counter, pushing his body against mine. I wrap my legs around him and squeeze, half afraid he might change his mind and try to run away from this inevitable disaster.

  He and I are a mistake.

  Unforgivable and destructive.

  But I want to be destroyed. And I want him to be the one to do it.

  “Riley…” he growls into my mouth. “God…Riley.”

  He rubs his face against my neck. The heat of his tongue runs over my skin, and then his teeth bite down.

  Leaving their mark.

  Ian is marking his territory.

  I let my head fall backwards and allow him to mark me, write his name on my skin, and I feel an excitement I’ve never felt before flame up between my legs.

  I have never felt this wanted in my life.

  He climbs up my neck to my earlobe.

  He bites me again.

  He licks me. Hurts me.

  Then cures me.

  He’s my destroyer and my saviour.

  I turn my head slightly to welcome his lips, which capture me in a possessive and hungry kiss; I give in without hesitation.

  He pulls away suddenly, and as I gasp for air, he grabs my shirt and pulls it over my head, throwing it to the floor.

  He looks at me a few seconds as I watch his chest heave up and down, then he submerges his head between my breasts and squeezes them hard with his big hands.

  He bites me again, this time harder.

  I feel his teeth scratching me even through the fabric. My hands are in his hair, imploring him to do it again, wanting him to keep wanting me.

  He grabs me by the arse again and lifts me up, keeping me pressed tightly up against him as he slides his dominating tongue into my mouth, nearly suffocating me.

  He carries me over to the bed and lies me down. He takes off his underwear and stands before me, completely naked.

  The sight of his hard, statuesque body thrills something between my legs, encouraging me to open them for him. I’m shameless, and I want to feel him inside me right now.

  He lowers himself onto me and I lean into him, waiting for him to invade me with his tongue, but he pulls back and gets on his knees in front of me.

  I’m afraid he’s going to back away, but I won’t let him.

  I sit up too, and bring my hands behind my back to undo my bra. Then I let the straps fall down my arms before throwing it to the floor.

  His eyes flash with desire.

  “Is this really what you want?” he says panting.

  I nod.

  “No, Riley. I need to hear it.”

  “Yes,” I murmur.

  He throws himself on top of me, pushing me backwards, and starts kissing me again, devouring me with his lips and pinning me down with his body. His hands slide down my face and run over my skin. His mouth follows, and when he touches one of my breasts, I arch my back instinctively, offering myself to him.

  He takes a nipple between his teeth and stops to look me in the eyes, stopping my breath.

  And then he bites me. Hard.

  I yell from the pain and the pleasure as he continues to torment me with his tongue and his teeth. He fills his other hand with my other breast, taking the nipple in his fingers.

  He pinches, pulls it.

  He looks at me again.

  He keeps me tied to him. He holds me hostage with his eyes and his body. He’s telling me he can do what he wants with me. And I’m here to let him have his way.

  He leaves my chest and brings both his hands to the waistband of my jeans and with one rip, pulls both the jeans and my underwear off, tossing them to the floor.

  I am completely naked, splayed out on his bed.

  His eyes devour every inch of my body. He caresses my leg, lingering his way up to my inner thigh. Just brushing against me up there almost makes me shout out. He plays with his thumb on my clit, and slides a finger inside of me.

  I ball up the sheets tightly in my hands and let myself go to him.

  There is nothing left in my mind.

  The only thing I can think
of is the heat of his hand, his finger calling to me and his body that is demanding it.

  “Riley…I have to have you, now,” he says between his teeth before taking my hips and pushing into me powerfully and deeply.

  And as he fills me with his body, I feel completely emptied of myself.

  32

  Ian

  When I feel how wet she is with my finger, see her give herself to me, I completely lose control. I grab her and pull her into me, then fill into her with one swift thrust.

  Riley goes rigid underneath me, closing her eyes and pursing her lips and I instantly regret what I have done.

  “Riley…”

  She opens them slowly and looks at me in embarrassment.

  “I—”

  “Please…” she implores me. “I’m already broken, Ian. Finish me off and take everything with you.”

  I close my eyes to control the pain, because right now all I want is for someone to take me away too.

  I lean myself over her, balancing my elbows on the mattress.

  And I push.

  Her warmth raptures me, wraps itself around me and then destroys me.

  I rest my head between her shoulder and her neck and bite her again as I push as deeply as I can. I feel her opening herself up completely to me.

  I weigh down on her with my body, crushing her under my weight. I run a hand on her hip and caress one of her legs. Then I go back and push on her thigh, raising it up so I can thrust into her deeper.

  She must be mine.

  Only mine.

  I push. Again – but this time, harder.

  Riley digs her nails into my back and lets herself go beneath me, ready to accept me and let me take everything.

  So that’s what I’m doing, I’m taking all of her torment away from her body and putting it into mine.

  That’s what she asked me to do.

  It’s all she wants from me.

  The awareness that this is all she wants from me, knowing that she’ll never be totally mine, makes me lose my mind. I’m blinded with rage – I gave in to my desire and it’s eating me up.

  I pull myself up, grab her hips and plummet inside of her.