by A. S. Kelly
41
Riley
“Why would you say all of these things after what’s happened? We made love, Riley, don’t you get it? Are you aware of what’s happened between us?” he says, getting to his feet.
He takes a few steps into the room before shaking his head and picking up his clothes.
“I didn’t…think…”
He turns to me and chills me with a look that pours out all of his resentment.
“What didn’t you think? That I would’ve stuck around? That I’d want to know?”
“I don’t know. I was just confused, okay?”
“You were confused? Past tense? What about tonight, this morning…are you even aware of what we did?” he yells furiously at me.
He comes towards me threateningly and bends over me while I try to make myself smaller in front of him.
He could break me with one hand.
“Did you know it was my dick that was fucking you?”
His words hurt me and send me into a spiral of shame and embarrassment.
“What were you looking for? What did you want from me?”
“I don’t know…I wasn’t looking for anything. I didn’t know what would happen,” I mutter as my embarrassment inches up to burn my face and neck.
“You didn’t know? You were the one who showed up on my doorstep!” he says waving his hands dangerously close to me.
“I just wanted…”
“Someone to screw you.”
“What…?”
“You thought a night of sex with the arsehole of the week might be enough to help you turn the tide and lift you out of your sadness.”
This has gone too far. My anger shoves aside the sadness, giving my tongue a shot of courage. I stand up and face him, facing his glare head-on.
“And you? You got what you wanted, didn’t you? A nice lay – better, more than one. Isn’t that the only thing you’re capable of giving, Ian O’Connor?”
My words assault him. The expression on his face changes and the resentment makes space for a different emotion, something much deeper and more ingrained, something that looks like blunt pain. A pain so overwhelming it leaves his eyes and hits me in full.
“I didn’t get everything I wanted! Is this what you think I was looking for? You think it was fun for me…that it was easy? If that’s all I wanted I would’ve taken it a year ago!”
Confused by his words, I shake my head and try to get back in touch with reality.
“I’m still here. I’m here for you.”
Then he rubs his face with his heavy hands in exasperation and takes a deep breath before calming his tone and speaking again.
“I don’t want your body, Riley. I’ve already had it and it almost killed me, slowly and painfully.”
“Then what do you want, Ian?”
“I want more. I want to know what’s going on inside your head, what you’re hiding, what you feel, what…what it is that hurts you.” He hesitates before putting on his t-shirt. He looks at me for a second and his pain melds with mine and its weight is so huge I believe it will crush me.
“I want all of it.”
“I can’t give that to you.”
“Then I don’t want anything.”
He turns and leaves, slamming the door behind him.
I stay where I am, curled up on my armchair in my bedroom, trying to calm these tremors that are pulsing through me. I want to cry, honestly. Right this minute. Cry for myself, for what’s been taken away from me, for what I’ll never be able to have.
An incomplete life.
A wounded soul.
And now a broken heart.
I don’t know which weight is heavier to bear.
42
Ian
“Wow, you’ve bulked up.”
Ryan gets in my face as I’m trying to bench press. He helps me set down the weights and I sit up on the bench.
“Pass me that towel.”
“Don’t pretend you need to wipe away your sweat.”
“Don’t piss me off.”
Ryan throws the towel at me and I could wring his neck.
“Do you always have to be such an arse?”
“I don’t know, do you have to always be so highly strung?”
He’s right. I am highly strung, agitated and completely out of my mind.
Riley in my bed, in my arms, on top of me, close to me…
I grab the water bottle and pour it directly over my head to cool off my instincts.
I don’t need anyone.
“We’re a bit off today.”
Ryan keeps prodding me as usual, and in normal circumstances I’d ignore him – but today, just about the slightest thing could set me off.
“What are you doing here?” I say standing up and throwing down the towel.
“Coach called me.”
I look at him, waiting for him to continue.
“I don’t know anything else.”
“I think he’s in the office.”
“I’m going to go and see what he wants. Will you wait for me? I don’t think I’ll be long.”
“I’ve finished here. I’ll get showered and wait for you in the car park.”
He nods and walks off through the gym, stopping to say hello to some of the guys.
I go in the changing rooms, take off my sweat-soaked clothes and hop under the shower, hoping to wash away the thoughts of her and what I’d be willing to do to hold her close to me just one more time.
Ryan comes towards me, his face like thunder. He grabs his helmet gruffly and gets on my bike.
“How’d you get here?” I ask him, starting the engine.
“I took a cab.”
“Don’t you think it might be worth looking into a more practical idea like a short-term rental or having yours brought over?”
“I still don’t know how long I’m going to be around.”
“So, what did the coach want?” I ask cautiously leaving the UCD car park.
“I don’t feel like talking about it.”
“Where shall I take you, home?”
“To your place please. I need to keep my distance from Nick for a few hours.”
We let ourselves in to my apartment and I throw my keys down on the counter. Ryan goes straight to the fridge looking for alcohol. He never used to touch the stuff. He grabs a bottle, opens it and then flops onto the sofa, running the cold bottle across his forehead.
I follow his lead and join him on the sofa.
“Hard day?”
“Total shit.”
Perfect.
My own shit wasn’t enough for me to take on – now I have to deal with his, too.
“Is it because of Nick?”
“Kind of.”
“Do you want to talk about it or do I have to read your fucking mind?”
He scoffs and opens his eyes, sitting up and leaning his elbows on his legs.
“The president was there with the coach,” he starts nervously, peeling the label off his bottle.
“They offered me a position.”
“What?”
“Don’t get too excited.”
“Sorry, I’m just surprised.”
“No big deal bro, just a spot on the bench.”
“And what did you say?”
“That I’d have to think about it.”
He turns and looks at me with sad eyes. It feels like I’m looking at the kid who took a beating on the field every day and then came to me at night begging me to teach him how to improve and get stronger.
“I haven’t decided yet.”
“But you don’t have a team right now, right?”
“Not exactly. Let’s just say there’s a deal on the table. Someone’s on their way out.”
“It’s a great opportunity, you know that, right? They’re not going to ask you a third time.”
“I know, but I don’t think I’m ready to put down roots here just yet.”
“And our family? Don’t you think about them?�
�
“They’re the only thing I’m thinking of, otherwise I’d have told them to go to hell.”
“They need you. Mum’s getting tired and I can’t always be on-call. I do what I can, but I need you, they need you – both of you. Maybe if we were all nearby, we could hold off looking for another solution for a while.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Dad asked me to—”
“No,” he says firmly, not letting me finish. “We’re not sending him off anywhere, ever. Mum won’t have it and neither will I.”
“Do you think it’s something I want for him?”
“I don’t know, is it?”
“Don’t be a dick,” I say standing up in front of him.
“Maybe you’re tired and don’t want to take on the responsibility.”
“Are you shitting me? I’m the one who stayed, Ryan, while you two ran as far away as possible.”
“Didn’t you want to run away, too?”
“I never did and never will.”
“What a great role model you are…”
“There are things that are more important than stupid fights between brothers.”
“Stupid fights?”
“Okay, maybe it’s something more than that, but not so serious you have to distance yourself from your parents. Especially now that they need you.”
Ryan snorts derisively and I sit back down.
“You’re not a little boy anymore, Ryan. You can’t keep running away. You haven’t got a lifelong career in front of you. You need to decide, now. Either you accept this offer or…”
“It’s over. I know.”
“You could always be a model like Nick, you’re not bad-looking.”
“Fuck off, Ian!”
I laugh because Ryan isn’t really angry: not with me at least.
“Think about it, bro. It could be a good opportunity.”
“What’s that? The return of your shadow?”
“You know it never was like that.”
“That’s what you think. You’ve always been the champion in the family.”
“Only because I’m the only one around here who takes it seriously. I don’t let everything else influence my work. Ever.”
“Yeah well…”
“What’s that?”
“That’s all changed now, hasn’t it?”
I jump to my feet to avoid answering him.
“Oh sure, we never talk about you, I forgot.”
“There’s nothing to say.”
“Really?” he asks, stretching out the word.
I look at him threateningly. “Watch it, Ryan.”
“I am. I’ve been where you are and I swore that I’d never do it again. Now look at you, drowning in a lake of your own shit.”
I look at him, shaking my head as he waits for my reply, waiting for me to open up to him – something that will never happen, even if he tortures me.
“I lost her.”
The words pour out of my mouth like a river. I throw up on my brother with three concise, confused words because I’m feeling angry, worried, a step away from losing my mind.
“I haven’t got it right even once. Letting her get close to me…waiting around to see what happens…waiting for what? I should never have said no that night, fuck.”
“I warned you.” He points his finger at me.
“You know how things were for me then. How I used to think, how I reacted to things…you know full well that I couldn’t have done anything else, Ryan!”
“The only thing I know is that you acted like a selfish bastard.”
“That’s who I am.”
“You? You don’t even understand the concept of only thinking about yourself, Ian.”
I run a hand through my hair.
“I spoke to Jamie a few weeks ago.”
“And?”
“I wish I hadn’t.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’ve always been missing a piece, I felt that he was hiding something from me.”
“I’m not following.”
“He’s broken, Ryan, just like me.”
“How broken?” he asks, worried.
“Something that maybe no one can fix. Not even me.”
“Oh, Jesus! I had no idea! Jamie is so…”
“I know,” I say, shaking my head. “I swear to you, I don’t know how he does it.”
“Well, you’re pretty good at hiding yourself too.”
“Not as much as I’d like.”
We lose ourselves in the silence for a few minutes. Ryan’s trying to get his head around all these new ideas and I’m trying not to be squashed under the weight I’m carrying.
“Is there something I can do? Something we can do?”
“You and Nick?” I ask incredulously.
“We’re a family. If one of us calls, the others will come.”
“Once, maybe.”
“Don’t change the subject, we’re talking about you right now. What’s the situation?”
“Bad, Ryan.”
“Nothing new there.”
“I slept with Riley.”
“Holy shit!”
“And it was a mistake. Another one.”
“She isn’t—”
“She isn’t ready. She doesn’t trust me and I don’t think she ever will. She won’t let me in.”
“So, now what?”
“Now it’s a big fucking mess.”
Ryan sighs.
“You’re not going to end up like me, right, Ian? We’re not already at that stage, are we?”
I slowly lift my eyes to meet his.
“Jesus Christ,” he says, dropping his head into his hands.
We’re well past that point.
We’re past the point of no return.
43
Ian
“Damn it, Ian O’Connor! If Scott tackles you one more time, I’m gonna bench you this weekend, do you understand me?”
I pick myself up from the grass with Scott pulling me to my feet. He pats me on the shoulder and runs off with his head down.
I breathe in, bending my knees as the guys head off the field and make their way towards the gym, each going to his own machine.
“What’s your problem, kid?” The coach is storming towards me, and he’s not happy.
“I’m just—”
“You’re just an idiot, that’s what!”
Okay, that’s a pretty perfect definition.
“You show up like this again and you’re out, seriously. You’re done for today.”
I nod, absorbing the coach’s wrath, and I can hear snickering over my shoulder.
All that was missing from this picture was the biggest pair of arseholes to witness it.
I turn towards the stands to see my brothers sitting there, sitting apart obviously, but at least there’re here together. I move towards them as they stand up and walk down the steps.
“Jesus, Ian. I didn’t remember you being so bad. Your age must be catching up with you.” Nick punches my arm and I try not to react.
“Good thing you’re the big champion in the family,” Ryan teases me, and Nick snickers.
“I’m glad to see you two dickheads are united in making fun of me.”
“United my arse,” Nick gets serious quickly.
“Then what are you two doing here together?”
“We have to talk to you.”
“I’ll have a shower and be right there. You guys try not to gouge each other’s eyes out.”
“I can’t make any promises,” Ryan calls as I head towards the changing rooms. I’d better avoid fucking up anything else here or they really won’t let me play.
I leave the gym and head towards the car park, where my brothers are waiting for me next to my motorbike.
“Where are we going?” I ask.
“Your house.”
Obviously.
“I’m coming with you,” Ryan says grabbing the helmet.
Nick
raises his hands and goes towards a car parked a few feet away.
“A car?” I ask Ryan.
He shrugs his shoulders and gets on the bike behind me as I start the engine and head off for my house, towards the next impending disaster.
We go inside and my brothers start opening my fridge, oblivious to the fact that they’re in my house uninvited.
“What the hell are you doing?”
“I’m hungry,” Nick says, with his head in the fridge.
I scoff and push him out of the way. “You too?” I ask Ryan.
“Er…”
“Fine, I’ll do it,” I make a gesture for them to back off. “You can open a beer and I’ll take care of the rest.”
I set the plates down on the counter where my brothers are waiting impatiently. I sit next to Ryan on a stool as Nick sits opposite us, on the other side. They plough into the mushroom omlette I’ve just made as I sit there with my fork in the air, stomach closed and my gaze firmly on the spot where Riley was sitting a few days ago, clinging to me.
I set the fork down and rest my elbows on the counter.
“Aren’t you gonna eat that?” Ryan asks, eyeing up my plate. I shake my head and he steals the plate out from under my nose. Nick claims his half with a fork.
“Big problems,” he comments, as I give him the eye.
“Enormous,” Ryan corrects him.
Is it possible that the only time these guys get along is when they’re in it together to take me down?
“Would you please tell me what you’re doing at my house?”
“And can you please tell us what’s up with you?” Nick replies.
I cross my arms over my chest. “You first.”
“Okay,” Ryan sighs. “I need a place to stay.”
My eyebrows shoot up.
“Let’s say that, for the time being, I’ll be around. Don’t look at me like that, it’s not definite, alright? But I need a place of my own, I can’t live with Mum and Dad, I’m not thirteen.”
I nod.
“And I can’t stay here with you.”
“Sounds about right.”
“So…”
“I need to find you a place, right?”
