by A. S. Kelly
“No Riley, I don’t think that.”
“They put Jamie in an institution, Ian. I was in the hospital and they took him away. That’s how they helped us,” her voice is quivering. “It took me a year and a half to get him out. Do you have any idea what his life was like?” she is yelling again. “That bastard took everything from him and then the system took him away from me!”
“Calm down, Riley. It’s all past now. Jamie is fine, you…”
“And me? You want to know how I got along while all that was going on, Ian?”
I close my eyes.
I can’t do this. I can’t stand it.
“You want to know what I am, Ian?”
“Please,” I beg her.
“Homeless, that’s what I am. With no family, no house, no money, no dignity, nothing. Invisible to the world. Someone who lives on the street and off the charity of others. Someone who lives in fear and emptiness!”
Riley is yelling again, she’s all worked up, on the verge of a nervous breakdown.
“You don’t know what it means not to sleep. To always have one eye open in fear that someone might hurt you. Not to eat, unless it was someone else’s leftovers. To hide yourself, always. Do you have any idea what it means not to exist to the rest of the world, Ian?”
“Calm down, Riley.” I grab her by the shoulders but she can’t stay still.
“Calm down? Are you kidding?!”
She tries to squirm out of my grasp but I hold on tighter.
“For everything, Riley. I’m sorry, for all of it.”
“You can’t imagine the things I’ve seen,” she brings her hand to her mouth. “The things I put up with. The only thing that kept me alive was Jamie. The only thing that gave me the energy to not let go. And seeing the man that he is today helps me to go on now. That’s the truth, Ian. Did you like my version of it? Do you feel better now?”
“I feel like shit.”
She takes advantage of my momentary weakness to break away from my grasp. She takes a few steps back and looks at me. Her eyes are full of unbearable pain. Resentment, hurt pride.
Hate.
She hates me.
“Why dig into it? What were you looking for? You wanted to know more about it?”
“Yes. Fuck yes, Riley!” I yell, also exhausted. “I wanted to know everything because a part of me knew you would never tell me.”
“You didn’t trust me.”
“That’s not it…”
“Then what?” she asks, determined.
By this point, she’s not afraid of anything.
Not even the truth.
“I wanted to know what happened to him. I wanted to find him.”,
“Why?” she asks, but I’m confident she’s already reached the answer in her head.
“I wanted to be sure that he would never hurt you again. He…would never touch you again.”
She brings her hand to her mouth in horror.
“What were you going to do?” she says.
In her voice I feel the accusation, the doubt.
The end.
“I wanted to kill him with my bare hands.”
Riley sits back down on the stool.
“You would be capable of—”
“You have no idea what I would be willing to do for you,” I tell her with my chest ablaze.
“Are you crazy? How could you even consider something like that?”
“Don’t you get it?! I can’t get those images out of my head, your face, the blood, the bruises…I can’t bear it! I can’t imagine what you…” I cut myself short.
I’ve said the worst thing I could possibly say.
The silence falls over us.
The pain falls on us.
The end falls on us.
“I knew that you wouldn’t have done it,” she says, her voice distant. “I always knew it.”
I see it. I feel it.
Her heart.
In a million pieces.
69
Riley
I can’t feel anything.
I can’t feel my arms, my legs, my body.
I can’t feel my breathing. I can’t feel my heart.
It stopped, or maybe shattered.
Millions of fragments, which my father is still trampling; or maybe, now, it’s Ian.
“That’s not what I meant.”
I don’t look at him. I can’t.
“All I meant was…it’s too much for one person. No one is that strong. Not even you. And I wanted to help you, I wanted to protect you. In any way.”
A flash of nausea threatens to choke me.
“When I found out about it, I did the first thing that came to mind. I went looking for him. And I hired a private investigator. But it wasn’t easy. I didn’t know that you had—”
“Changed our last name. We did that when Jamie first started to be successful. I didn’t want them digging into our past, didn’t want anyone to find out. I lived like a shadow for all these years, in fear that someone would connect him to me. He was underage when all this happened. The information is inaccessible, while mine… I just wanted to protect him.”
“I understand. You…you did it, you protected him. You risked everything just for him. And I wanted to do something for you. I thought that knowing what I did, if you were to bring it up first, it would be a point in my favour, to face it better prepared. I swear to you, I didn’t want to lie to you or hurt you. I was…honest.”
His words are lost in my confusion, my spite and in my own stupidity.
By this point, none of this makes any sense.
We don’t make any sense.
We’re one big, destructive lie.
Ian finds the courage to come closer to me. He kneels down in front of me and tries to take my hands, but I pull them away sharply.
“Don’t.”
He tries to grab my waist.
“Don’t. Don’t you ever touch me again, Ian O’Connor!”
I slither away from his attempt to hold me and head quickly towards the garage door. His hand hits the metal hard, blocking my escape.
We’re back to the starting point.
“What am I? Your charity case?”
“No, not at all.”
“All that crap about trust, respect…God, I was such an idiot!”
I turn to him, my anger building. “Do you feel better now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Now you’ve done your good deed?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” he says, raising his voice.
“Bring the poor little girl with no family to your house. Make her believe something that isn’t real, give her hope, make her believe that a man like you could really…” I stop to control my voice. “Sleep with me…I should have known. I certainly don’t fit the bill of the sort of woman you usually go out with. I’m a problem, the kind you don’t want anything to do with.”
“Riley, I’m begging you…”
“Do you know why I came to your house that night?”
He shakes his head in resignation.
“My father.” she says through gritted teeth. “He was ill. He called me from jail. He wanted to see me.”
“What…?”
“And I accepted.”
“You went to him?!” His tone is furious.
I nod.
“He wanted to ask for forgiveness. To free himself before he died.” I smile bitterly. “And it was…it was like seeing everything all over again. I was confused, overwhelmed. I was destroyed, and I ran to you like an idiot.” I close my eyes, trying to control my emotions. “You were the first person I thought of. I was afraid, and I thought being here with you…”
“I wish you’d told me.”
“It was a mistake.”
“I – Riley, I’m the one who made a mistake. If I had known that…”
“What? You would’ve slept with me then?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“That’s exact
ly what you’re saying. What was it, a big gesture of compassion and pity?”
“What are you talking about?”
“How much did it cost you to screw me?”
“Jesus Christ, Riley, is that what you think?”
“How much did it cost you to pretend, Ian?”
“You’re out of your mind right now. It all seems so wrong at the moment…”
“It is all wrong! We’re wrong! This thing…”
“No, Riley…you are the only thing I’ve ever done right in my life.”
He sets his other hand on the metal. Both of his hands are now at the side of my head.
“How can you say things like that?” I ask him, finding just enough energy to speak. “What am I for you? Something you think you need to fix? Someone to show how big a heart you have?”
“It’s not like that, I swear to you.”
“Well, I hope it was worth it. Did you at least enjoy yourself a bit?”
“For fuck’s sake, Riley!”
“You know what it meant to me to think that I was loved…”
“You are!”
“You can’t imagine what it was like for me to think that you really wanted me, in your bed, in your life. Me…just me.”
“And you don’t know what it meant for me to have you,” he breathes onto my neck.
“You’re nothing more than a fucking bastard, Ian O’Connor.”
He punches the metal next to my head and I try to make myself as small as possible.
“Christ, no! Do you think I’d be able to take you with me, that I would have loved you so…” his hand touches my face and I close my eyes instinctively. “Riley, I’m—”
“Don’t you dare!” I yell in his face. “Don’t you dare say it!”
“Please…”
“Let me go.”
“I can’t,” he says, closing his eyes and coming dangerously close to me. His scent muddles all of my senses.
“I can’t forget,” he whispers on my lips.
“Let me out of here!” my voice is filled with fury.
“Please, don’t disappear from my life.” His is full of desperation.
“I’m already gone, Ian and I wish I’d never been a part of it.”
70
Ian
I let her go. I let her lift up the garage door and slam it behind her so hard that the windows and the walls shook.
I let Riley leave my life in the same way she came it, messing up my whole world.
I fall to the ground and punch the metal repeatedly. I let the emptiness consume me and have its way with me. I have nothing else. I’ll never have anything else, not if she takes it all away with her.
I went behind her back. I just wanted to know everything and know it right away. I wanted to fix things, fix her life, to give her what she never had. Give her security, protection and love.
But I chose the wrong way.
I only thought of myself and not about how she might take my gesture.
And yet, I knew it was a question of time, that the truth would eventually come out, that I should have told her right away. Maybe she would have hated me or maybe she would have understood. Or maybe we wouldn’t have come together as we did and I wouldn’t be here, left to bleed after she’s abandoned me.
It hurts more and more. Even though I’m not a little kid anymore. Even though I’ve grown up, and should have learned by now that these things happen, no one is safe.
And it gets worse every time.
To be rejected, set aside.
Left alone.
I drag myself into the apartment, reliving our shared moments here, the places where she smiled at me, where she ate with me, where she sat. Where we made love.
Her scent surrounding me. Her taste in my head.
And her, in my fucking heart.
How could I have believed it, to have thought that there was something out there just for me?
I wasn’t born for this, to have something healthy in my hands – love, a woman, a life, a future.
I’ve never had anything.
Not a family, not affection or warmth. I shared my mother with pain and suffering; with men who partly satisfied her needs, but never gave her anything.
I came into a family that wasn’t mine; it was never mine, despite how much they’ve tried to make me feel welcome.
And now I’m in love with a woman I’ve hurt, who I lied to because I wanted to show her the good side of me. I thought she could love me and let me be the world to her.
I fought the demons of her past, believing they were the only things that separated us – but I never thought for a second that the only thing that could really hurt us were lies, secrets and fear.
My fear.
I was so busy destroying hers that I let mine take over, hiding everything I should have told her at the beginning.
And now, all I have is an empty house.
I look around and an uncontrollable anger assails me. I want to break everything, the whole world, with my bare hands.
I grab a stool and slam it against the counter repeatedly. I’m going to destroy this whole fucking house.
All of it. I want to destroy myself too.
71
Riley
I fall asleep after a bottle of wine or two. I pass out on the floor and get up only at dawn, woken by the sounds on the road. I get onto my knees and try to stand up, but my head is spinning and I land splayed out on my bed.
I haven’t cried. Not one tear.
He’ll have nothing from me.
Never again.
He won’t even have my pain.
I feel a hammering in my head that’s reverberating all over my body. I lift my head from the mattress and try to figure out what’s going on.
These sounds aren’t coming from my head.
I get up and approach the door. I put my ear to it.
“Riley…”
I close my eyes. I’m not listening.
“Open this damn door.”
I can’t breathe.
“I’m coming in anyway.”
“Go away,” I try, but I know he won’t listen to me, just like I know he’ll find a way in no matter whether I want him to or not.
I open the lock and the door slams open, almost knocking me over.
Ian comes into my apartment and closes the door behind him. I step back, afraid of the expression on his face. I squash myself against the wall as he nails me to the wall with his hard stare.
“You left,” he thunders.
“You seriously thought I’d stick around after…?”
“You left!” he repeats, and this time his voice is desperate. “You left me alone. After having told me all those things…All I wanted was to hold you and keep you close to me, and instead you walked out on me.”
He lets his hands slide down the wall and it’s only then that I notice they’re all cut up.
“What…?”
“I destroyed everything.”
I look at him, frightened.
“I had to. I can’t remember. I can’t think. I can’t…without you.”
“You’re out of control, Ian.”
He moves away from me and I start to breathe again.
“I shouldn’t have, but I did. I shouldn’t have let you in my house that afternoon. I shouldn’t have let you dig up everything I was trying to push down. I shouldn’t have let you back into my life!”
He steps back a few paces and touches his face.
“I shouldn’t have waited all this time. You should have been mine from the first night at that party. I shouldn’t have let you believe for a minute that I didn’t want you, but I was hurt and scared. I didn’t think I could do it, don’t you get it? So, I waited. I waited for the feelings to go away. Waited for you to get out of my head. I had to keep you away from me, Riley. You…you would have destroyed me.”
He paces around, his hands in his hair.
“Every time I left your house a part of me died because the o
nly thing I wanted to do was stay.” He brings his hand to his mouth. “And when I thought that one day someone else could have you, could take you away from me forever…You were killing me, Riley. All of that shit was killing me. To breathe next to you, to smile at you, talk to you, to not be able to touch you…I knew that if I did it once, I wouldn’t be able to stop. But how could I? How? How could I know? Not even my mother wanted me, Riley! How could I know that you wanted me? To tell you everything…Lying to you like that, that night when you were ready to let yourself go in my arms…that was the most difficult thing I’ve ever done.”
“You’re delirious, Ian. You’re out of your mind.”
“I had done it. You were out of my life, I was sure of it. I was convinced. Poor sod,” he laughs bitterly. “But then I understood, when I saw you in the hospital. When you were at my house. After I was here that first time, after you smiled at me that night. You hadn’t done that in so long and when you did it again…” he sighs, “…my whole world shook.”
“I don’t believe you. I don’t know why I’ve even let you set foot in my house.”
He turns again and speaks to me.
“The more I tried to ignore what my heart was telling me, the louder it yelled. The more I tried to kid myself that it was just a fling, the more my soul was searching for yours. The more I tried with all of my might not to fall in love with you…the more I went crazy at the idea of never being able to love you.”
“I don’t want to listen to you, it’s all just lies!”
He grabs me by the wrist and pulls me to him.
“I slept with you because I was dying to have you. And I fell in love with you because my heart, Riley, recognised you right away. I knew that I could only love you, for the rest of my life. And I wanted you…I still want you,” he lets go of my arm and caresses my face, speaking right against my lips.
“I want it all – your pain, your fears, your past because it’s all a part of you. I just want you.”
It’s too much.
I can’t handle this.
