by A. S. Kelly
“You don’t have to explain anything to me if you don’t want to.”
And his words take me back in time a few years.
“Have you at least spoken to your brother?”
“He’s not in my good books at the moment.”
“Don’t talk shit.”
“This whole thing is partly his fault, too.”
“I’m sure that he did what he did for your own good.”
“Well, there are better ways of helping someone,” I say angrily, crossing my arms.
Ray raises his hands in a good faith gesture before looking at me with those eyes full of compassion that make me want to scream at him.
“You should call a doctor, Riley. Seriously.”
“I will, I promise.”
“Today?”
“Today.”
“Good,” he says before looking at his watch. “I’d better get back to the theatre. Somebody has to work.”
“Thanks for coming round.”
“Of course, sweetie,” he says, giving me a hug and going towards the door, but the minute he opens it he exclaims: “Oh, holy shit!”
A round of laughter explodes.
“Er, Riley? You’ve got company.”
I look up in time to see Nick fill out the doorframe of my bedroom.
“Oh, Jesus, you O’Connor brothers never let anything go, do you?”
Nick smiles, deeply satisfied. “Never.”
“Can I leave you in his hands?” Ray asks looking him over shamelessly from head to toe.
I wave him away and sit back down. I hear the door close and I sigh in frustration. I know I’m not going to be able to get away from any of them.
“Wow, we’re not doing so great,” he says sarcastically, sitting on my bed and invading my space.
“Why are you here, Nick?”
“I have to take off for a few days: but before I do, I wanted to speak to you. I’m worried about Ian. I don’t want him to end up like me.”
“I don’t get it.”
“Alone, a cynical arsehole.”
I snort with derision.
“He was never like me. He’s always managed to do good things. He’s nowhere near as tough as he pretends to be,” he says, smiling and shaking his head. “He’s got a big heart, Riley. He never would have hurt you intentionally. Ian’s not capable of that, believe me.”
“I don’t know. The truth is that I just don’t trust him,” I say, as I slide out of bed but my head is spinning, pushing me back down.
“You’re really rough,” he comments.
“I just—” I can’t finish the sentence because a sharp pain in my stomach bends me in two.
“Riley,” Nick helps me to lie down again. “How long have you felt like this? Don’t you think we should call a doctor?”
“A week,” I reply, trying to take deep breaths. “Maybe two.”
Nick takes the phone out of his pocket. “I’m calling someone.”
“No, there’s no…” but another fit makes me shout.
My body goes tense, the pain expands and then, nothing.
76
Ian
I set down all my stuff on the belt and walk through the security gate. I gather up my things and stuff them back in my bag, which I sling over my shoulder, following the guys over to the gate. People are looking at us, recognising us. We definitely don’t go unnoticed and with our jerseys on, even an idiot could figure it out.
I try to ignore the looks I’m getting, but I feel their eyes on me – for the first time, it bothers me. I don’t want anyone looking at me. I don’t want them reading my eyes and understand how I’m feeling. I don’t want my pain to be put on display. It’s private and it should stay that way.
We sit down and wait to be called for boarding. Jamie is sitting next to me: he won’t leave me alone even for a second. Maybe he thinks I’m going to change my mind and refuse to leave.
He had to convince me, almost by force, to come along on this trip. The coach already told me he wasn’t going to call me, at least not at the beginning, but he’d keep an eye on me to make sure I didn’t screw anything else up. I had to let myself be seen, or I really would have given up my position on the team.
Mum called. Ryan called. Nick called; but I didn’t answer any of their calls. I don’t want to hear or see anyone.
I need to concentrate, be closed off in my own world, thinking about sport because it’s the only thing that doesn’t hurt me right now.
The phone rings again in my jacket and I pick it up angrily, planning to throw it against the wall. I could just turn it off, but my way seems more efficient and definitive. But then a voice announces over the load speaker that it’s time to board so I do turn it off, having decided to ignore everyone at least until I get back home.
They can do without me for three days. My arsehole brothers will have to deal with it.
I get in line with Jamie – who is starting to get on my nerves – close at my heels, ready to forget everything else.
When I get back to my apartment three days later even more angry and stressed, I decide to turn on my phone again.
Mum, Ryan, Nick. And then Nick again. Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick.
A terrible doubt crosses my mind. I call him right away and wait nervously for an answer but the phone rings with no answer. I’m weighed down by the worst possible situation when I call my parents’ house and my mother answers after only three rings.
“Mum?”
“Ian! You’re back!”
“Are you okay? Dad, Ryan, Nick?”
“Yes, we’re all fine.”
I breathe a sigh of relief.
“Is Nick there by any chance? I can’t find him.”
“No, Ian. Nick’s out. I haven’t seen him in three days.”
“Okay. I’m trying to get in touch with him. I’ll call you later, okay?”
“Oh, don’t worry. He’s probably up to his old shenanigans.”
“Say hi to Dad for me.”
I hang up, but an anxiety hangs over me.
I look over all the calls I’ve received which are almost exclusively from Nick with one exception. Riley.
I catch my breath in my throat.
Two minutes later I’m on my bike.
I slow down about a hundred metres from her door to stop next to the pavement. Riley is huddled up in her coat walking slowly. There’s a man next to her, one I know too well, a fucking prick that I’ll kill with my own hands – this time, no one’ll save him.
He carries her shopping. He smiles at her. He brushes her hair away from her face. She looks down timidly, awkwardly. The rage bubbles up like a wave, knocking me senseless.
I speed up and stop right in from of her door as he opens it and holds it for her. I get off my bike, throw down my helmet and grab his shoulders.
“You’re a fucking bastard!” I scream in his face, before throwing the first punch at his nose, which should put an end to his modelling career – and hopefully to his life.
Nick doesn’t fall down, he holds himself up against the door, touching the point where I hit him. Then he looks at me furiously.
“What the hell is wrong with you?!” he yells, straightening up.
I jump at the collar of his jacket, lifting him up off the ground with a strength I didn’t know I had - but before I can throw him against a wall, someone grabs my arm.
“What the hell are you doing?!” Riley asks, panting.
“I’m going to kill him, that’s what.”
“Let him go!”
Of course she’s defending him.
“I can’t.”
She looks at me, afraid.
“I can’t let anyone take you away from me.”
77
Riley
“You don’t fucking get it!” Nick comes back to life and frees himself from Ian’s grip.
“I should’ve seen this coming!” Ian yells at Nick. “I should’ve known what to expect from you.”
“I
can’t believe this,” Nick says. “Do you really think I’d do that to you?”
“It wouldn’t be the first time.”
“This can’t be happening.” Nick says, backing away nervously. “I was just trying to give you a hand, for God’s sake.”
“A hand? Who were you helping, exactly? Let’s hear it…”
“You, you dick!”
“Me?” Ian laughs hysterically. “And how’s that? By screwing my girlfriend?”
“What?”
“Isn’t that what’s happening, Riley? Haven’t you already found someone else?” he turns to me, spewing all of his rage.
“Are you serious?!” I yell furiously.
“My brother, Riley, how could you? How you both?!”
“You…you…Go away Ian. Get out of my life right now.” I go into the house, trying to close the door behind me, but Ian sticks his foot in the doorway, blocking it. Then he slams it, coming in to my apartment, followed by Nick.
“What was I to you?” He pushes me up against a wall. “What?”
Nick grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him away from me.
“Calm down!”
“Are we already at this point?” he yells.
“Can’t you see that you’re scaring her?”
Ian looks at me and when he realises that I’m shaking the edge in his eyes vanishes, replaced with guilt.
“How could I?” I whisper to myself overwhelmed. “How could I have fallen in love with you?” I say it while holding his gaze. I say it without any other emotion breaking through, even though I’m crumbling on the inside. I tell him with pain in my heart.
Silence falls over my apartment. Silence which is broken only by our uneven breathing.
Ian doesn’t react, he stands in front of me looking at me without really seeing me, as if his mind were elsewhere.
“I am an idiot,” I comment out loud. “How could I have believed that behind your tough guy façade there was something else?” I step dangerously close to him. “How could I believe that you weren’t a liar, a bastard?” I say, backing him up against a wall. “Believe that you were different?” He lets himself be crushed by me. “How could I believe that you felt…?” but I can’t go on because my tears close up my throat. He’ll have no more from me.
“There’s nothing going on between us, Ian. I was just giving her a hand.” Nick tries to calm us down and bring us back some peace. “You didn’t answer my calls, I even tried calling you on her phone, but you ignored it. I never would have done that and she…” he looks at me smiling. “She wouldn’t have either.”
He puts a hand on his back but Ian doesn’t look at him. “She’s different, Ian. Just like you are.”
Ian shakes his head.
“I hope you’ll clear things up now and get back to your old self.”
Then he comes over to me and gives me a kiss on the cheek. I see Ian’s hands ball into fists.
“I’m sure it’ll work out,” he says. “He seems like a tough guy but in the end he’s just a teddy bear.”
I smile slightly too.
“Call me if you need me,” he adds, before leaving my apartment.
Ian and I stand in silence, backs against the walls on opposite sides of the room.
“My brother, Nick…”
“If you have a trust issue with your brother, you need to talk to him, not to me.”
“Why was he here?”
“Are you really asking me that?”
“I don’t know what I’m doing.”
“You don’t know me at all, Ian. How could you even think that I…”?
He runs his hand over his face.
“I don’t believe in anything anymore.”
“He came by to talk to me about you.”
“About me?”
“And then…”
“Then what? Did he put his hands on you? Did he do something? Tell me he didn’t touch you or I will kill him and no one will run to save him.”
He speaks right next to me, panting. His arms are tense along his sides, his jaw is contracted, his muscles flexed, his eyes dark and lost.
And then, Ian O’Connor simply breaks down.
Like an avalanche of snow.
He falls and rolls down the mountain, stopping one pace from my heart.
“I couldn’t stand it, Riley,” he says, shaking. “I couldn’t stand someone else touching you,” he continues, closing his eyes. “I can’t accept that you aren’t mine.”
78
Ian
She bites her lip and starts to shake.
I suddenly grab her face in my hands. Just touching her throws me down into the deepest, most terrifying abyss.
I pull back instantly.
“I can’t touch you,” I tell her honestly. “I…can’t. I couldn’t even think straight, I could never let you go.”
And then she’s the one to touch me. Her hands slide slowly down my face. “Well then don’t. Don’t let me go.” She says, her eyes full of sincerity. Eyes in which her soul shines with all of her sweetness, her strength, her pain and her fear.
“I don’t know how it happened, or when, I don’t know how to tell you the exact moment my heart started beating again, but it did: just for you.”
My knees go weak in her grasp, but she holds me.
“You can’t…You don’t know anything about me.”
“I know what matters. I know that you’re a good man with a big heart. That you love your family more than anything on earth. That you stayed here when everyone else left, to defend what you had. I know you love your brothers, even if you insist they’re a thorn in your side. I know that you’re fun, cheeky and impulsive, but you have a tenderness that comes out only when it’s necessary: and when it does, there’s a warmth that could heat the entire world.”
I drop my gaze because I can no longer hold my head. Even if I’m twice her size, even if I could blow her away just by breathing on her, I can’t fight what I hear.
“I know you thought you were doing the right thing, that you thought you were helping me. I know that when you realised your mistake you were overwhelmed with guilt. I know that you suffered for it, that people have hurt you and that you’re afraid that I will too.”
“You don’t understand. I can’t stand it. Not if it’s you doing it.”
“Ian…”
“I couldn’t watch you leave me again. My heart just couldn’t take it. I need something that’s all mine, Riley. Mine alone. Something that stays, someone who will be with me for the rest of my life. Always. Not someone who takes off at the first problem, someone who turns their back on me and leaves me alone with nothing in my hands and an empty heart. I need…”
She stops my monologue, squeezing my hands. I look at her and then my heart melts in her fingers. “I am yours,” she says. I feel the knot in my throat, my eyes burning and my heart pounding.
“I am yours, Ian,” she repeats, as the first tear falls.
I leave her hands and caress her face, drying the tear with my thumb.
“You’re crying, Riley. You’re crying.”
She nods as her tears turn into sobs.
“God Riley…” I pull in towards her lips. “Tell me again,”
“Yours, Ian. Only yours.”
And a second later my lips are on her face. I kiss her tears and gently breathe in her skin. I kiss her eyes, her cheeks and then put my lips on hers, afraid that this impossible dream may vanish before me.
But then her legs give way, and she falls into my arms.
“Riley what’s wrong?”
I lift her, bring her to the bedroom and set her on the bed. I touch her face and another wave of tears arrives, ready to drown me.
“What’s happening? What is it? Tell me.”
She takes my hands and places them on her belly. A bolt of lightning stops my heart.
“We…we’re yours.”
79
Riley
He looks at me, not making a sound.
“Us.” I squeeze his hands, still on my stomach. “Something that’s just ours,” I say before a sob can break my voice. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry.”
“You’re sorry? For what?”
“I didn’t know…I didn’t know.”
“Everything’s alright, Riley. Everything’s okay. I’m here, okay?”
“Are you mad? Upset? Is this too much for you?”
Her voice is quivering. “Do you have any idea how I feel right now? Do you know how much I fucking love you?”
“Ian, I…”
“Shh,” he squeezes me tighter. “You don’t have to say anything. Just tell me you’ll stay. Because I love you, Riley. I love you so much it hurts my heart. I love you so much I can’t sleep at night and can’t think of anything else. I’ve loved you from that first damn night, always. I have loved you every fucking day…”
I lift my eyes.
“I can handle anything except losing you.”
“You won’t lose me,” I whisper through my tears.
“You’re here, with me…You’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. You’re the only thing I’ve ever had in my hands…”
Ian holds me tightly to his chest. I take in his scent like it’s a drug, my medicine, and let him cradle me, kiss me. Take everything away and give me himself back.
He lies down next to me and I curl up in his arms.
“Are you okay? Is everything alright?”
“We’re both fine.” Saying it out loud fills me with emotion.
He hugs me, resting my back against him. Then he puts his hands under my sweatshirt and gently touches my skin.
“My…my own child…” his voice breaks.
His control breaks.
Ian O’Connor breaks.
But I’m here to help get him back on his feet.
I let my hands rub his as I hear him crying over my shoulder. His tears wet my skin and penetrate my heart, quenching it and letting it bloom again with hope and love.
“Stay here,” he kisses my neck. “Stay here with me.”
