by Carys Jones
‘He saved me,’ Amanda said through gritted teeth.
‘You saved yourself.’
She could feel her chest getting tight again.
‘If your dad was still around, if Will was still around, they’d come railroading in to save you. But I’m not them, Amanda. You told me that you wanted to do this, that you wanted to save yourself so I’m going to let you. Prove to me you can do it.’
‘Shane—’
‘He threw you off a cliff!’ Shane was shouting now. ‘Will lied to you. About who he was, about what he’d done. He had a wife, Amanda. And a son. What does that make you?’
She hit the punchbag. She hit it with everything she had. She put all her pain, all her frustration, behind her arm and then let her fist smack against the smooth exterior. Then she did it again. And again. She kept punching the bag, making tiny jabs in its centre. Its hanging hook started to quiver and she didn’t stop she just kept pounding its exterior, trying to beat her way through to its core. Her knuckles burned and sweat poured down her forehead and onto her neck.
‘Okay, okay,’ Shane grabbed the bag, holding it in place as Amanda lunged at it a few more times. ‘I think we’re done.’
Gasping, she stepped back and dropped her hands to her knees.
‘Did that feel good?’ Shane was standing over her, offering her a towel.
Amanda straightened and swept the back of her hand across her brow. She didn’t take the towel. ‘You’re right,’ she was struggling to catch her breath. ‘You’re not like Will. Or my dad. They’d have never pushed me like that.’ She moved away from him and started heading towards the door, eager to return to her room and just drop against the soft bed.
‘You needed pushing,’ she heard Shane shout after her as she stormed off.
*
Amanda needed space. The hotel room was starting to feel too small, the gun’s presence within it too big. Even locked away in the safe, Amanda was acutely aware of it. It was the giant elephant in the room which she had to get away from. Pulling on a hoody and her sunglasses, Amanda grabbed her laptop, tucked it under her arm and dashed out before Shane could catch up with her and talk her out of leaving.
It was quiet in the nearby café. The oaky aroma of coffee enveloped Amanda in a warm embrace as she stepped inside. After ordering a latte she headed over to a booth on the back wall and opened up her computer. She’d always been soothed by technology. As her fingers glided over the keyboard and typed in her access details, the tension in her chest eased away completely.
Whenever Amanda logged onto the Internet it felt like diving into the ocean. The wealth of information at her fingertips was fast, verging on limitless. And if she swam around enough and explored who knew what treasures she might discover?
The laptop beeped with a notification. Amanda instinctively opened up the relevant box and immediately stiffened in her seat. Numerous messages had been sent to her darknet account, all from Turtle82. Amanda nudged away her coffee, losing her desire for it. Her tongue felt too large in her mouth like it had turned into a sponge which had absorbed all the moisture in her body.
She couldn’t risk opening Turtle’s messages. It would be an indication that she was alive and something told Amanda that she couldn’t trust Turtle, not anymore. She ran a few programmes which would enable her to open up the messages undetected.
How did it go? Waiting on data transfer from you.
T.
It’s been days. What’s happened to you??
T.
I’m starting to fear the worst. Did you catch the Carp or was it the other way around? Either way I’m going to have to go dark on here, it’s too big a risk. Carps have a tendency of biting back.
Thanks for your help, Lambchop. Did you see the list? The names? My sister is on there.
Hope you’re safe.
T.
Amanda deleted the messages. Then her history. Turtle almost seemed concerned in their correspondence, but she had to read between the lines. Maybe Turtle’s sister truly was named on that awful list, maybe this entire mission had been concocted so that they could get some vengeance of their own. But there was still the possibility that it had all been a set-up, that Turtle knew McAllister and was feeding information back to him. Amanda wanted to believe that their desire to bring down McAllister had been fuelled by a pain as raw as her own. But belief was dangerous, now more than ever.
Frustration made Amanda feel restless. If only she’d found the USB stick. Then she’d have a way to put McAllister away.
She thought of the gun, locked away in the safe. Sleek and silver. She did have a way to end McAllister. A very permanent way.
‘There you are,’ Shane burst over to the booth, setting down across from her. His words were like shrapnel, embedding themselves in Amanda and agitating old wounds. ‘I’ve been worried sick, looking everywhere. You really scared me.’
‘I just needed some space.’ She felt like a sullen teenager who’d been caught trying to sneak out of the house.
‘S-space? Seriously?’ Shane stuttered over the words.
‘I do need to save myself.’ Amanda chewed her lip and continued to stare at her laptop. What pained her the most was that Shane was right. Both Will and her father had always been so quick to jump to her defence when really they needed to teach her to fight for herself. And she intended to fight. If McAllister lived then Amanda had to remain a ghost. She was ready to do what Will should have done years ago – to bring the monster down once and for all.
‘It’s dangerous to just be walking around the city on your own.’ On his frantic walk from the hotel to the café, Shane had seemingly gone past annoyed and reached angry. His cheeks were red, his forehead damp with a sheen of sweat. ‘What the hell are you playing at, Amanda?’
‘You need to teach me how to use it.’ She closed her laptop and stared at him.
‘What?’
‘You know what.’
‘Amanda—’
‘I have to save myself and I can’t do that if I’m having a panic attack every time I’m around it.’
Shane dragged his hands through his hair and didn’t meet her gaze.
‘I can do this,’ Amanda drank in a deep, calm breath. ‘When I was thrown off the cliff I managed to get to the shore. I saved myself. I can do it again. I’m strong enough.’
‘I’ve never doubted your strength.’ Shane dropped his hands but still didn’t look at her. ‘It’s mine that I question.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s already gone this far,’ Shane squirmed uncomfortably in his seat. ‘I let you come here. I let you go alone into the dragon’s lair and look…’ he gestured towards her and then rubbed at his eyes. ‘I should never have let you go,’ his voice dropped to a whisper.
‘Shane, I had to go. It was my only chance to get access to his computer, you know that.’
‘I didn’t mean then. I should,’ he leaned back, stretching his long legs out beneath the table, ‘I should never have let you go. Not ever. If I’d just listened to my heart instead of my head.’ His eyes were misted when he finally looked at her, causing their brilliant green to shimmer with sadness.
‘Shane—’
He got up so abruptly that Amanda tensed in surprise. He powered over towards the counter and ordered himself a large coffee which he drank in silence as they walked down darkened streets back towards their hotel.
*
Amanda was freshly showered as Shane helped her get into bed. Her hair was braided down her back and slightly damp. But she needed sleep. Snuggled up in her comfortable new pyjamas, her joints were already turning to wood, keen to heavily drop against the mattress and be swaddled by the duvet.
At night her wounds sung their painful symphony much louder than they did in the day. The shoulder which had been dislocated would throb and the skin around it would burn.
‘I’m like an old woman,’ Amanda joked as she dropped into bed, her head blissfully sinking into the mound of
pillows.
‘A very sexy old woman.’ Shane offered a crooked smile. Once she was all tucked up he drifted back to his side of the bed and turned the TV on, keeping the volume low.
‘You’ve used a gun before, right?’ Amanda sleepily rolled onto her side to face him.
‘Yeah.’
‘In training?’
‘Yeah, in training,’ Shane nodded and kept watching the television.
‘Have you ever,’ Amanda nuzzled against the soft pillows, ‘you know, shot someone?’
‘No.’ His jaw clenched. ‘But I know people who have.’
‘Did they say what it was like?’
He nodded. The movement so slight that for a moment Amanda thought she might have imagined it.
‘And?’ she pressed as she tried to pull herself back from the cusp of sleep. But she was drifting, her body already giving way to the blissful warmth all around her. Her eyelids had become metal shutters, keen to close for the day and not open up again until morning.
‘What do you want to know?’ he sharply turned to her, his eyes ablaze. ‘It changes people, Amanda. At least the good ones. I’ve dealt with death enough to know a killer when I see one. It’s as if, when you take someone else’s life, a part of yourself just checks out.’
‘And you think that’ll happen to me?’
‘I think killing someone, being the one who pulls the trigger, is a lot harder than either of us can imagine.’
‘If it changes me, will you still care about me?’ Amanda’s mouth opened wide as she yawned. Her eyes closed. ‘I want to change,’ she muttered dreamily. ‘I want to go back to being the girl on the beach by the bonfire. I want to go back to believing in forever.’ As she drifted off to sleep, she didn’t see Shane looking over at her, his eyes filled with pain and longing.
‘I never stopped believing in forever,’ he whispered before turning off the television and lying down on his back beside her, letting the darkness of the room seep in around them.
22
‘So where are we going again?’ Amanda turned to look at Shane. His attention was focused on the road ahead as he drove them out of the city.
‘I told you,’ he came to a stop at some traffic lights, ‘it’s a surprise.’
The rain had moved on. Deep puddles lingered in dips in the road but the sun would soon devour them. The sky was blue and cloudless. It was going to be a beautiful day.
‘What sort of surprise?’ Amanda fidgeted against her seat belt. It was already digging in too tightly to her sore ribs.
‘The sort that requires patience.’
The lights turned amber and then green.
‘I hate surprises.’
Amanda had felt unsettled since Shane had mentioned that they were going out. He’d been cryptic about plans, just telling her that they were going somewhere and that she should be prepared for a relatively long drive.
‘That’s true, you have always hated surprises,’ Shane agreed.
‘Then why spring one on me now?’ Amanda was watching him, studying every twitch in his clenched jaw, trying to read his expression like a map which would lead her to her answer.
‘Because—’
Amanda’s phone started to ring. They both glanced over at the front pocket of her hooded jumper where she’d stuffed it before leaving the hotel.
‘Are you going to get that?’ Shane had to force his gaze back onto the road.
‘Uh.’ Amanda fumbled in her large pocket. Her stomach tightened in on itself. Bile was creeping up her throat as she pulled out her phone. A thousand panicked questions jumped up in her mind.
What if it was McAllister?
What if he’d found her?
What would he do now he knew that she was alive?
She’d transferred all calls to her old phone to this new one, but what if that’d been a mistake made in haste?
The questions died down when Amanda saw the familiar number on the display screen.
‘Hey, Mum,’ she said as she drew the phone up to her, exhaling shakily.
‘Amanda.’ Corrine breathed out her daughter’s name. She sounded deflated.
‘Mum, are you okay?’ It was morning which meant late night in Last Vegas. Her Mum shouldn’t be calling at such an hour. Unless there was something wrong.
‘I’m…’ there was a long pause. ‘I’m tired. He keeps calling for her in the night.’
‘Who?’
‘Ewan. For his mother. He’s like a little candle. All day he burns so bright but I fear there won’t be much left of him soon. He’s unsettled, Amanda. As any little boy in his situation would be.’
Amanda closed her eyes, pushing away the surrounding scenery as the car drifted out of the city.
‘Some days he has no appetite and others he eats like a little wolf. He’s depressed, confused. Maybe I should take him to see Dr. Townsend?’
‘Mum—’
‘And he hears voices,’ Corrine lowered her voice as though sharing a secret. ‘At night. When he’s not calling out for his mother he says he hears voices in the garden, below his window.’
Amanda’s eyes flew open and she surged forward, clutching the phone tightly and straining against her seat belt. ‘He’s hearing voices?’
‘I mean, obviously he’s dreaming,’ Corrine was sighing, Amanda could imagine her clutching a small sherry in her free hand, trying to calm her jangled nerves.
‘Yes,’ Amanda agreed tightly though she wasn’t convinced.
‘So should I take him to see the GP?’
‘No. Wait.’
Wait until I’ve killed the man who might be responsible for those voices. Wait until I’m home and that Ewan is completely safe.
‘Is there any chance you could get an earlier flight back? I know there’s only four more nights left of your holiday, but he’s… he’s lost and I don’t think I know how to help him find his way.’
‘Mum—’
‘He keeps asking after you and Shane.’ Corrine released a deep sigh. ‘And his father.’
‘I get that he’s a bit scared and unsettled—’
‘He’s a smart boy. All the toys in the world can’t distract him from what’s really going on. He thinks that you aren’t coming back. He thinks that everyone has abandoned him.’
‘That’s not true.’ Amanda’s voice caught in her throat. Abandoning Ewan was the last thing she was doing. She was out here for him. To protect him indefinitely. The accusation of abandoning the boy felt like her mother had slammed her into a brick wall.
‘But he needs to see that.’
‘Tell him that there’s only four more nights and then I’ll be back.’ Amanda clutched at her stomach. It constricted painfully as she told what could very well be a lie. If things went south with McAllister then she wouldn’t be coming back at all.
‘You really can’t get an earlier flight?’ Corrine pleaded. ‘He seems so fond of you, Amanda. Seeing you would really lift his spirits, I know it would.’
‘I’m…’ the truth was a grenade which would destroy everything.
I’m not done here. I still need to murder the man who had my husband hunted down and killed.
‘I’ll see what I can do, but don’t go promising him anything, Mum. Changing flights can be expensive and I’m not sure I can afford it. It’s only four more nights.’
‘What do I do?’ Corrine whispered. ‘When he wakes in the night screaming out for his mother? How do I answer his cries?’
‘Tell him…’ Amanda pulled at a loose thread on her joggers. ‘Tell him that his mother is gone but can still hear him. And that Shane and I will soon be back.’
‘He’ll make me promise.’
‘Then promise.’
‘Because you are coming back, Amanda. Aren’t you?’ the doubt in her mother’s voice stabbed at Amanda like a knife. She could feel tears clotting beneath her eyes.
‘Of course,’ she assured Corrine hoarsely. ‘God, Mum, of course I’m coming back. I’m not just going to aband
on that poor little boy.’
‘It’s just that you’ve been through such a lot and you didn’t ask to be a mother but the role has been thrust upon you. And Will, you must be dealing with that. I wouldn’t blame you for wanting to just run away from it all.’
‘Is that what you’d want to do? Run?’ Amanda felt oddly defensive of her actions. She wasn’t running. She wasn’t fleeing from her responsibilities she was fighting. Fighting to give both her and Ewan a safe, secure future.
‘I never ran,’ Corrine said coolly. ‘No matter how bad things got, Amanda, I never ran.’
‘But did you want to?’ Amanda challenged.
‘No. Running only gives you distance, not closure.’
‘Mum, I’m not…’ The car started to twist down country lines which cut a line through the rolling hills of heather. ‘I’m not running. I hope you know that.’
‘I know that because you’re coming back. Right?’
‘Right.’
‘Promise me.’
‘Mum?’
‘I’m going to have to promise him, so perhaps you could do me the courtesy of promising me.’
‘I’m coming home, Mum. I promise.’ Amanda hoped with every fibre of her being that this wouldn’t turn out to be a lie.
‘Good, because I’m going to hold you to that,’ Corrine’s voice was losing its edges.
‘You do that.’
‘Four more nights?’
‘Four more nights and I’ll be home.’
‘I hope you’re having fun out there, Amanda.’
‘Yeah,’ Amanda deadpanned, ‘tonnes.’
*
They drove for just over an hour. They seemed to have followed the rain as when Shane pulled off the road onto a gravel car park the ocean of blue sky overhead had been replaced by pewter clouds.
‘So,’ Amanda climbed out of the car and looked around, ‘my surprise is a drive out to some remote field? Awesome.’
‘Not just any field.’ Shane moved around to the back of the car and opened the boot. The sound of the lock releasing unnerved Amanda. She felt like she’d suddenly slipped and was falling. Her hands reached out and caught the car door just in time to help her stay on her feet. Shane didn’t notice. He was too busy taking something out of the boot. ‘This is a shooting range. I found it online. Looks like it’s barely used these days.’
