by Carys Jones
Amanda spun around, abandoning the bustling vista of the city. The bed was empty, the stark white sheets crumpled. Where had Shane gone? She smoothed her hand along his side of the bed. There was no lingering warmth. It must have been over an hour since he’d left.
‘He’s coming back,’ Amanda whispered to herself. ‘He promised he’d never leave. He’s coming back.’
Amanda’s body betrayed her. She wanted to sit up, to wait on Shane’s return, but instead she sagged down against the disturbed sheets, allowing their softness to envelop her. Her hours in the gym had taken a mighty toll. Now her body was demanding rest and lots of it. Her eyelids closed and she rolled onto her back, drifting away from the stillness of the empty room.
*
‘Coffee.’
‘Coffee?’ Amanda rubbed at her eyes and turned her head in the direction of the deep voice which had just spoken.
‘Coffee.’ Will was at her bedside, holding a cardboard cup out towards her. Amanda noted the label, it was from the café beneath her flat. She gave him a crooked smile and sat up.
‘Have you been out?’ she croaked, wishing she sounded more polished first thing in the morning.
‘Briefly.’ Will waited for her to settle herself against her pillows and then handed her the coffee.
‘To get this?’ Amanda lifted her drink.
‘Yep. I did look through your cupboards but you didn’t seem to have much in.’
‘Yeah,’ Amanda raked her free hand through her hair. ‘I keep meaning to go out and get some essentials.’
Her latest freelance job had turned into a rabbit hole. She’d dropped down it at the end of the previous week and she’d just kept falling. Her client was demanding; every time she completed something there was a new problem, a new solution she had to find in a timely manner. The fog had only cleared when she was around Will. And when she was with him the last thing she wanted to do was drag him to Asda for the food shop.
Amanda laughed self-consciously. This was Will’s first time in her flat and the cupboards were bare. The only things left in the fridge were two cans of Coke and a half-eaten takeaway pizza. Amanda was living like a student. It wasn’t the impression she’d been hoping to give to the guy she’d just started dating.
‘You forgot to get coffee?’ Will tilted his head at her as he sat down on the edge of the bed.
‘I know, I know,’ Amanda threw her hand up in submission, ‘I love coffee. I’m a Gilmore when it comes to my coffee consumption and yet here we are. And now you know how scatterbrained I can be when I get stuck into a job.’
‘A Gilmore?’ Will frowned, his thick black eyebrows pulling together.
‘It’s a thing from a show I love,’ Amanda waved at him, batting the question away. ‘But you’re not supposed to see this side of me. Not yet.’ She groaned as she nursed her coffee. ‘You’re supposed to see the together Amanda. The Amanda who always irons her clothes and gets to places on time. Shambolic Amanda shows up later, much later.’
‘I like the shambolic Amanda,’ he tenderly stroked his fingertips against her cheek. Amanda chewed her lip, recalling how amazing it had felt to have his strong hands exploring her entire body the previous night. ‘This is the real you, and that’s who I want to get to know.’
‘I’m sorry I didn’t have coffee in,’ she whispered, smiling at him.
‘It’s no problem,’ he mirrored her warm smile. ‘I like that I got to go out and get you some. I like taking care of you, Amanda.’
She looked at him. At the mountain of a man who was perched on her bed bathed in pale early morning sunlight. He was all strength and power, a raven-haired Greek God. But in her bed he’d shown a softer, gentler side. Will Thorn was two extremes, held together in a muscular package. No wonder his eyes always seemed to glisten with some inner mischief. He was the jester and the hangman, the pauper and the prince. Will was everything Amanda had been searching for – a gentle giant.
‘I promise that next time I’ll have some coffee in,’ Amanda insisted.
‘Next time?’ Will’s smile widened and Amanda thought her heart might burst from sheer excitement.
‘Yeah,’ she managed to remain coy, her fingers pulling at the stickered logo on her cup, ‘I’m hoping there will be a next time. Aren’t you?’
‘Most definitely,’ Will’s voice was rich with sincerity. ‘I’m hoping for many, many more next times.’
*
The door clicked open. Amanda stirred in her sleep and swept the hair out of her eyes. Someone was moving around at the end of the bed. And she could smell coffee. The oaky aroma was like a bolt of lightning as it struck her senses. Amanda fought against the sheets bundled around her as she sat up.
‘Hey,’ Shane had his back to her as he placed the cardboard cup holder down beside the television.
‘Hey.’ Amanda swept her gaze across the room, towards the window. The blue sky had darkened, turning to indigo as she slept. ‘Where…’ she coughed, resenting the accompanying ache in her chest. ‘Where have you been?’
‘The gym.’ Shane was approaching her, cup of coffee in hand. ‘And then I went to grab some coffee. I thought you might want some.’ Before he handed her the drink he pressed a soft kiss against her lips. It helped burn away the remaining remnants of sleep, but as they parted Amanda still felt a sting in her soul. She took the coffee and hoped that her anguish wasn’t written across her face. ‘Did you sleep okay?’ Shane’s voice remained buoyant and happy.
‘Yeah,’ Amanda looked down at her cup. ‘I slept fine.’
‘It’s okay, you know.’ Shane was raising his own drink up to his lips.
‘What is?’ Amanda blinked uncertainly at him.
‘To, you know,’ he shrugged nervously, ‘not jump straight back into being us. I know that one time isn’t going to bring us back to that point. Hell, I don’t even know if I want us to get back to the point. If anything I want us to be better, stronger.’
Amanda just stared at him, unsure what to say. How could she promise him a future when she didn’t even know if she was going to survive the week?
‘But I’m getting ahead of myself,’ Shane shook his head, casting his train of thought to the wind. ‘The point is that I know things aren’t simple. I know you’re still mourning the loss of your husband. But I’m willing to be patient, Amanda. I hope you know that.’
The coffee cup was warm in her hands. Her palms were wrapped around it, eagerly absorbing its heat. ‘Then don’t leave.’ She kept her head bent to the cup, unable to meet Shane’s gaze.
‘I’m not going anywhere.’ He put down his drink and hurried to her side. He sat next to her and tucked a golden strand of hair behind her ear, grazing her cheek with his fingertips. ‘I’m here for you, always.’
‘When I’m sleeping.’ Amanda bristled and leaned away from him. ‘Don’t leave when I’m sleeping,’ she whispered, on the verge of tears. ‘I woke up and you were gone and—’
‘Christ, I’m sorry, I didn’t think,’ Shane was wrapping his arms around her, pressing her head against his chest. ‘I would never, ever, just up and leave you.’
Her heart leapt up into her throat. She was back in her perfect home, living her perfect life. Only it was shattered. The far side of her bed was empty and Will was gone and he was never coming back. All of her wounds sung a mournful melody in unison, causing her to slump against her pillows, powerless against her grief. ‘That’s what he said.’ She bowed her head.
‘Amanda, I promise I won’t leave you. I love you.’
‘He made a vow,’ she sniffed as she pulled away from Shane’s embrace, furiously wiping at her eyes. ‘He married me and he made a vow to never leave. But he did. He broke the biggest promise that he made to me. And I understand why. I’ve grieved for him, for Will, for everything we lost, and now he’s gone. I know that in a way he was never really there with me, not completely.’
‘Tell me what to do.’ Shane gripped her hands in his and looked into her eyes. He w
as a boy again, drowning within the rising tide of his emotions. ‘Tell me how to make you feel secure. Tell me how to make you believe that I’ll never leave.’
‘I… can’t…’ Amanda shook her head. She couldn’t answer him because there was no answer to give. Promises were just words that could be broken. Just as prayers were wishes with wings. The words held no weight on their own. They required actions to take root and become something substantial, something you could cling on to. ‘Just don’t leave.’ On her lips it sounded like such a simple request.
Shane kissed her. Again and again he kissed her, each one a miniature promise of a greater commitment.
‘I won’t leave you,’ he told her fervently. ‘Ever. Do you understand? I swear to you, Amanda, I’ll always be here.’
25
Amanda’s laptop whirred as it frantically churned through data. She flexed her fingers above the keyboard, her gaze focused on the screen with laser precision.
‘Hey… are you awake?’ She didn’t turn towards Shane as he shifted beneath the covers. She remained hunched over her computer, the glow from its screen illuminating her face in the darkness. ‘Amanda?’ Shane was sitting up and creeping across the bed towards her. ‘Is everything all right, can’t you sleep?’
The names.
She squeezed her eyes shut, blocking out her laptop for a moment.
Will.
All of McAllister’s dark deeds danced around in her mind on a maddening carousel ride that never ended. Even in her quietest moments the thoughts found her.
Evangeline.
So much death. So much chaos. Losing his beloved daughters had hardened McAllister against the pain he inflicted on others. The trauma had hollowed him out so that now he was just a walking shell incapable of feeling empathy.
‘It’s late, you should rest.’ Shane nuzzled against her neck, his lips grazing her skin. It was almost enough to distract Amanda from her current task. ‘Come on, go back to sleep.’ He drew back from her, tensing when he glanced at the laptop’s screen. ‘Shit, Amanda, this is what you’re doing at three in the morning?’
Amanda said nothing. She zoomed in on the map she was studying, wishing the satellite camera could somehow penetrate the latticework of trees which obscured her view.
‘That’s his house, isn’t it?’ Shane pushed himself off the bed and turned on the light. He’d seen the gothic stone structure in the centre of the map, like the heart of a flower, with the dense woodlands which grew out of it like long, languishing petals. The picture had been taken in the autumn, when all the leaves had glowed yellow and gold. ‘Amanda, you need rest. It’s the middle of the night, can’t this wait?’
‘There has to be a route through these woods,’ Amanda traced a finger along the screen, letting it delicately glide across the image. ‘I can’t make it out from the satellite image, but it has to be there. I just need to find it.’
‘Maybe it’s really not there,’ Shane stretched and yawned, assuming the role of Devil’s Advocate with ease. ‘Maybe the jogging thing was just another lie, all part of the bigger yarn he was spinning.’
‘It’s not a lie.’ Amanda could still see the pictures on the wall of the smiling little girls. Their cherub faces were so sweet, not tainted by time or cynicism. Youthful optimism had oozed from every pore, just like it did with Ewan. McAllister had insisted the pictures had been placed there for her benefit but Amanda wasn’t convinced. He might protest otherwise, but she saw him for what he was; a bitter, haunted man.
‘This whole jogging thing is too tenuous, I don’t like it.’
‘All I need is to find his route.’ Amanda pulled her laptop closer, scrutinising the image in as much detail as she could. If these were the woodlands behind her home, where would she go? She’d want a route that was a circuit, a never-ending loop. It didn’t need to be challenging, full of steep hills and sharp turns, the whole point of her morning jog was distance.
The trees which bordered McAllister’s home were tightly packed, forming a maze of twisted branches. But Amanda knew there had to be a clearly defined route somewhere.
‘Can we go there, tomorrow?’ She was still studying the picture.
‘What? There?’ Shane pointed at her laptop accusingly, as if the device had somehow wronged him.
‘Uh-huh.’
‘We’re not ready, Amanda. You’re still too weak to face him.’
‘I’m not going to face him.’ She opened up a new tab in her current window.
‘Then why do you want to go there? To sightsee?’ Shane was being sarcastic. He used to always hide behind sarcasm when he got really mad.
Amanda pursed her lips and tapped out commands on her keyboard. ‘Sort of.’
‘Sort of?’
‘I need to find the route,’ she stated factually. ‘First, I need to go and pick up some digital cameras. Then we need to go the woods.’
‘Cameras?’ Shane was shaking his head. ‘For-for what? You’re not making any sense.’
Amanda finally closed her laptop. It whirred for a moment and then the little fruit symbol on its cover dulled and it was still. ‘I need to figure out his route,’ she rested her palms against her precious device, ‘to do that I need to see what’s going on inside the woods. I need you to help me hide some cameras that I can remotely access. Ideally I’d have them with motion sensors to avoid draining the batteries unnecessarily.’
‘You want to go and booby trap the woods?’
‘No,’ Amanda straightened. ‘I want to go and spy in them.’
*
It was easy enough to get the digital cameras Amanda wanted since they were in a city. Shane went in on her behalf as she was still wary about being spotted around Glasgow. Even though McAllister wasn’t looking for her, fate could still decide to cruelly intervene and have their paths cross before Amanda was ready to face him.
‘The guy figured I was into studying wildlife,’ Shane dropped the cameras into Amanda’s lap before climbing into the driver’s seat. He kept going on about deer. And grouse.’
‘We’re hoping to study a more formidable creature,’ Amanda muttered as she started removing the packaging from each camera and syncing them up to her laptop.
A faint mist followed them out of the city and lingered in the rear-view mirror for several miles.
‘Are those things waterproof?’ Shane wondered, his hands resting on the steering wheel.
‘To a point,’ Amanda reached for a discarded box. She scanned the text on it and nodded. ‘As long as they’re not submerged.’
The rain became pellets which bounced off the car’s windscreen. ‘Up here it rains so much they might as well be submerged.’
Amanda smiled flatly at Shane. The term submerged was troubling her. She only had to think of it to feel the icy pressure of water all around her, trying to squeeze out the last breath from her lungs. What if she really wasn’t ready for all of this? What if the trauma of what had happened with McAllister was too fresh? Too real?
The car cut a path through the rain which had become a curtain upon the road. The windscreen wipers battled furiously against it. ‘Some summer,’ Shane noted dryly.
All of the cameras were now online. Amanda tested each of them multiple times to be sure. With the press of a button she could remotely access their feed, see what they saw.
‘Every morning at sunrise I go jogging through the woodlands that border my home. I run until my lungs burn and my legs go numb and I find that it helps.’
Amanda replayed the moment with McAllister in her mind. Every morning, he’d said. Not just some mornings. Not just when he could be bothered. It was a daily routine, habitual. At sunrise. So just as dawn was creeping over the horizon threading sunlight through the canopy of leaves.
Until my lungs burn and my legs go numb.
Distance. It was always about distance. He was trying to outrun his demons.
‘What if someone sees us?’ Shane tightened his hands against the wheel. ‘When we’re traip
sing through the woods, one of McAllister’s guys could easily spot us. He might even have cameras of his own dotted throughout the place.’
‘It’s a chance I’m willing to take.’
‘I don’t think you’ve thought this through.’
‘No, I’ve thought it through,’ Amanda slammed her laptop closed, not caring as it whirred feebly in protest. ‘I’ve thought about it over and over. In moments that should just be mine; when it’s dark and I’m sleeping I think about it. It invades my every thought, even my unconscious ones. I have to do this, Shane. The woods offer me my one chance at getting McAllister alone.’
‘We could still just go back.’ The rain was easing, the windscreen wipers no longer having to thrash around with such vigour.
‘We can’t,’ Amanda stated tightly. ‘You know we can’t.’
‘Do you ever regret it?’ Shane turned down a side road at the satnav’s behest.
‘Regret doing all this?’
‘Regret meeting him. Marrying him. Cracking open the Pandora’s box that contained all his secrets?’ The car bounced along a dirt road.
‘Do I regret Will?’ The question alone felt like a betrayal. Amanda drew back against her seat, her arms hanging heavily by her sides like she were a broken butterfly.
‘Well, do you?’
They were close to the woods. A dense treeline bordered them on either side of the road.
Amanda thought about Will. About how he could flash her a smile that was both sexy and shy in equal measure. How he would curl up with her on the sofa with one arm always protectively draped over her shoulders, pulling her close. It would be so easy to tarnish all her memories, to let the truth of who Will really was bleed into them, distort the happiness that they held. But Amanda had boxed away every moment of her marriage, preserved them in her mind.
‘No,’ she choked out the truth she’d been holding on to too tightly. ‘Not even for a second.’
‘What about me? Do you have any regrets about me?’ Shane stopped the car, they’d reached their destination but his hands remained on the wheel, his knuckles white.
