by Carys Jones
‘Hey, are you okay?’ Shane was beside her, the damp smell of the shower still clinging to him. He peered over her shoulder at the screen just in time to see McAllister jog out of the shot. ‘Christ. You were right.’
Amanda kept shaking.
‘Hey,’ Shane gripped her shoulders, trying to turn her towards him.
‘I wasn’t about to let one my guys throw you off this cliff. Not when I could have the satisfaction of killing you myself.’
McAllister’s parting words to her were a dark echo in her mind. He’d given her a wicked smile. Had he stood and watched her fall? Or had he waited until she’d been completely consumed by the icy water before climbing back into the comfort of his Phantom?
‘No,’ Amanda snapped her hands up from the laptop and held them in fists. They stopped shaking as a faint tremor danced through her body. ‘I won’t fear him.’ She remained fixated on the screen which was now just a peaceful image of sunlit woodlands. ‘I won’t let him have that control over me.’
‘Amanda?’ Shane stroked her cheek and brushed away tears she hadn’t realised had fallen. ‘Say the word and we turn back now, okay? You don’t have to face him again. We can just go back home, live out our lives together.’
‘No,’ she refused to be subdued by Shane’s rose-tinted lies. If she didn’t end McAllister, then there would never be any certainty when it came to their home, their future. ‘I’m finishing this. Even if it’s the last thing I do, I’m finishing it. Tomorrow when he goes jogging he won’t be alone in those woods.’
*
Sleep came that night. It dragged Amanda under, coating her body in a feverish sweat as she tossed and turned.
‘You’re my husband,’ Amanda tried to ignore how his breathing was becoming shallower. She focused on the light in Will’s dark eyes, but even that was growing dimmer. ‘I would follow you to the ends of the earth. You know that.’
‘I love you,’ Will rasped as he squeezed his eyes shut, battling against his internal pain.
‘I love you too.’ Amanda’s tears had become a river that almost blinded her as she looked down at her fallen husband. ‘Don’t leave me,’ she whispered, lowering her head towards his. ‘I wish you’d never left me.’
‘Never again,’ the hand around her wrist tightened, just slightly. Already Will lacked so much of his former strength. ‘I’ll always be with you.’
‘Don’t go, Will, please, we can beat this. I can save you.’ Amanda bowed her head against his and heard his final breath pass through his lips. ‘No,’ she shook as he remained with him cradled in her arms. ‘No. Not like this.’
The moment of Will’s death had been etched in stone on Amanda’s soul. She rolled beneath the covers, whimpering as she relieved the trauma of losing him.
Will had been a river that would never run dry. Powerful, constant, a life source to all those around. And now he was just a memory trapped in the dark recesses of Amanda’s mind.
‘I’ll always be with you.’ Those had been his final words.
Amanda’s eyelids fluttered open. The hotel room was densely dark around her and it took a few moments for her eyes to adjust. Shane was snoring softly close by, the sound bringing her some comfort. Stretching out her arm, Amanda found her laptop and opened it up. She read the clock in the bottom right corner. It was two a.m. In less than an hour the alarm would go off and she and Shane would embark on the final leg of her journey. Of Will’s journey.
Ever since the morning when he’d left their bed as she slept, he’d been on a mission. A mission to save his son from McAllister’s wrath. And now that mission had passed to Amanda. One final thing that she and her late husband had shared between them.
Amanda rolled onto her back and thought of the little boy, how he was probably sound asleep in the bed which had once belonged to her back at her mother’s house. Did he drift off to sleep listening to the sound of the waves lapping against the rocks outside like she used to?
The seaside cottage was a safe place. It always had been. Even after Amanda’s father died, the walls held onto the strength they had absorbed from him over the years. As a little girl Amanda used to love how the rose garden reminded her of the thorns which gathered around Sleeping Beauty’s castle to keep outsiders away. Though they were a product of Maleficent’s malice, they still made the castle secure and Amanda liked that, even as a child. She understood the need to feel protected from the outside world. She grew up believing there were monsters in cupboards and beneath the bed, even though her father assured her there wasn’t.
Will’s final wish was for his son to be safe.
If Amanda killed McAllister, then she would be truly honouring that. She’d be destroying the one monster which could penetrate the rose garden, could enter the house uninvited and destroy the tranquillity Amanda’s father had bequeathed to his family.
Amanda quietly lifted herself out of bed and drifted over to the window. Her aches had dulled from a persistent buzzing to a dull drone. She looked out at the city. With its starry array of street lights and illuminated windows it had never looked so beautiful. Amanda was up in her tower, living out some twisted version of an urban fairy tale. She would vanquish the beast. She would avenge the man she had loved. And maybe, just maybe, she’d get her own shot at a happy ever after.
A watery memory rose to the surface, the faces in it forgotten by time so that only their voices lingered. Amanda was sat in GCSE English, struggling to focus. It became a common problem for her after she’d shared her first kiss with Shane. Her studies slipped from prominence and became a chore she had to trudge through to get back to the boy with the bright green eyes.
Her English teacher was stood, hand on hip, beside the blackboard, her grey shirt dusted with chalk. ‘What this book is teaching us…’ she tapped the dog-eared novel she was holding in her hand. Amanda’s eyes strayed towards her own, unopened copy, which lay flatly on her desk. ‘What it is telling us about the human psyche, the desire to evoke justice, to have an eye for an eye,’ the teacher’s voice droned on like a persistent wasp that Amanda wanted to swat away. But something stuck. Something managed to drill an anchor into her memory and ensure it stayed in place.
‘When one sets out on a quest for revenge,’ the teacher dramatically slapped her book down against her desk and stared at her class, her eyes two magnified watery spheres behind her thick glasses, ‘you must first dig two graves.’
‘Why two, Miss?’ Roger Olsen’s podgy hand was instantly up in the air, waving around for the old woman’s attention.
‘Read the book,’ the teacher’s lips quirked up into a knowing smile, ‘and figure it out.’
27
In the hours that followed two in the morning the world always seemed still, like it was holding its breath in anticipation for the new day. Amanda wandered behind Shane down the stairs which led into the hotel’s car park. They didn’t want to risk being seen using the lifts and rousing suspicion. Their footsteps bounced off the stairs and the walls, pinging back to them in an endless echo.
Amanda had already checked out online. Shane had loaded up his car with their bags. When she’d closed the door to the hotel room, it was the last time she’d see the large bed covered in crisp white sheets or the city lights sparkling like scattered sequins through the window. There was no time to dwell on goodbyes. Amanda pulled the door shut, listening for the click of the lock and then hurried after Shane.
They saw no one as they powered down the stairs. They rattled down them like ghosts shaking their chains in the night. In the car park a blanket of silence covered all the vehicles. Amanda rested by the door to the stairwell, leaning forwards and waiting for her lungs to stop burning. Despite all the hours she’d spent in the gym she still hadn’t regained all her usual strength. Her bruised bones continued to feel delicate.
‘Amanda, come on,’ Shane was whispering as he looked over his shoulder at her. It felt strange to be running around in the dead of night. While most other people slept,
they were sneaking through shadows, locking up doors. It was both thrilling and dangerous. It reminded Amanda of being eight years old and tiptoeing down into the kitchen during the night and easing the biscuit jar off its shelf, trying to be as silent as possible. It was that delicious moment when you reached inside, stroked your fingers against a sweet treat and froze, waiting for the lights to suddenly come on as you were caught, or for the darkness to endure, so that you could continue in your illicit deed.
‘Amanda.’ Shane had stopped running. He was stood by the bumper of his car, studying her.
‘I’m coming,’ she jogged towards him, pulling her lips into a smile so that she wouldn’t grimace. There had been so many stairs. Her legs felt unsteady and the fire in her chest refused to go out. But she couldn’t let Shane know. If he saw that she was still as weak as she was he’d call everything off. And she needed him. She was about to cast herself into a sea of dangerous uncertainty and he was the life preserver she’d have to race to if things became too much for her to handle.
‘Are you sure about this?’ the crinkles of worry in the corners of Shane’s eyes were becoming permanent.
‘I’m sure.’ Amanda strode past him, opened up the car door and climbed inside. The sound of the door closing snapped loudly through the car park. Like a gun shot. Amanda sunk low in her seat, breathing heavily.
She was once again in her green combats and coat, her hair slicked back in a smooth bun at the nape of her neck. The gun was inches away from her, in the glove compartment, swaddled in a towel Shane had brought. The gloves she’d need to hold it were tucked into her pocket. Her fingers twitched. She yearned to check her laptop, just one more time. Logging into her digital world always gave her such a feeling of calm. She felt genuine pangs of withdrawal when she was away from it for too long. But the laptop was in the boot of the car along with everything else. Thinking about the darkness of the boot made Amanda’s stomach do a backflip.
‘Then we’re doing this.’ Shane slid into the driver’s seat and put his key in the ignition but did nothing else.
‘Are we going or are we just going to sit here and stare into space all night?’ Amanda tried to sound funny but there was no making light of the situation. She just sounded scared.
‘Tell me to go home.’ His hands were now on the wheel.
‘Shane, we’ve been over this so many times and—’
‘Tell me to go home.’ He tightened his grip. ‘Just tell me, Amanda. Tell me that we can put all of this behind us and just leave.’
‘You know we can’t do that.’
‘But I’m going to lose you,’ Shane’s voice caught in his throat and he bowed his head.
‘No, you’re not.’ Amanda reached for him. ‘We’ve been over every eventuality. It will all be fine. And in a few hours it will all be over.’
What if you drop the gun?
What if you miss?
What if he’s armed?
What if he’s not alone?
Dark thoughts snapped at Amanda like snarling dogs, trying to tear at her flesh and hurt her. She closed her eyes, pushing them back, refusing to give them power. She knew what she was doing. She knew where McAllister would be, his route along the jogging trail. She could do this. She had to do this.
*
‘So it’s over?’ Corrine pressed for clarity, leaning forward in her armchair, both hands still genteelly cradling her cup of tea.
‘Yeah,’ Amanda tugged on the sleeves of her jumper from where she sat on the sofa, her long legs curled up beneath her. Her own drink – coffee, black – sat untouched on a nearby side table.
‘But you love Shane,’ Corrine insisted. ‘And he loves you. You two have been through so much together – college, university.’
Amanda cringed. She didn’t need to hear the list or have a quick history lesson about her relationship. It was done. Over. Shane had made that very clear when he packed up his stuff and left.
‘What happened?’ Corrine squeaked. ‘What did you do?’
‘What did I do?’ Amanda glowered at her mother. ‘What makes you think it was something I did? Maybe he cheated!’
‘Oh no, Shane’s such a nice boy. He wouldn’t do something like that.’
‘Jesus, Mum.’
‘So what happened?’
‘He cheated,’ Amanda declared bluntly, raising her eyebrows in a taunting gesture.
‘Seriously,’ Corrine passed over the declaration with a roll of her eyes. ‘What happened? I know Shane would never cheat on you.’
‘How could you possibly know that?’ Amanda spat bitterly.
‘Because he loves you. Every time he looks at you I can see it bursting out of him. He loves you much, Amanda. He’d stand by you through anything. He already has.’
‘Yeah, well, he doesn’t love all of me.’ Amanda suddenly needed her coffee. She reached for her cup and drank deeply from it, not caring that it slightly burned as it slid down her throat.
‘Of course he does.’
‘No. He doesn’t. Shane’s changed since he joined the force. He’s more… judgemental.’
‘He’s taken on a very serious job, Amanda. I imagine he’s under a lot of pressure and—’
‘He’s perfect, I’m not. I get it.’
‘That’s not what I’m saying, Amanda, I—’
‘I’ve always been how I am. Who I am. But suddenly that’s not good enough anymore. Suddenly it’s no longer okay for me to bend the rules.’
‘Are you bending rules?’ Corrine looked horrified. She placed down her cup and stared at her daughter, stricken.
‘Nothing important.’
‘Amanda—’
‘The world is not black and white, Mum. Its shades of grey. And Shane used to get that. Only now he doesn’t.’
‘Have you been doing something…’ Corrine lowered her voice and stared nervously towards the window and then back at Amanda, ‘illegal?’ She paled as she asked the question.
‘Define illegal.’
‘Oh, dear God,’ Corrine produced a handkerchief from her pocket with a flourish and began dabbing gently at her brow. ‘What did you do, Amanda? What was so terrible that Shane felt compelled to leave you?’
‘Nothing.’
The darknet and her adventures within it. But her mother would never understand that. Amanda broke a few laws but only for the greater good. She was like a digital Robin Hood, her and Turtle82 and a few other hacker friends. They helped take down corrupt organisations, expose married people who signed up to exclusive dating agencies with the intention of secretly cheating on their spouses. Once upon a time Shane admired her tenacity, her bravery. Now he just saw the litany of crimes she was committing. He’d become a cop first, a boyfriend second.
‘You must have done something.’
‘I was me,’ Amanda shrugged. ‘That’s all I’ve ever been. And I’m not perfect, Mum. No one is. And Shane never used to care about that, now he does.’
‘Oh, Amanda, you can’t throw away what you two have over some petty argument.’
‘I’m not.’
‘But he loves you. He truly, utterly adores you.’
‘Clearly not enough.’
‘How can you be so hard about this?’ Corrine was now wiping tears out of the corners of her eyes.
‘Mum, Shane and I are over and I’m moving on with my life. I just came round here to let you know, not be lectured about it.’
‘Do you think a good man is like a bus?’ Corrine seethed. ‘That you can just jump off one and then hop on the next one and ride it for as long as you like?’
‘I don’t want a good man,’ Amanda was standing up. She was ready to leave. ‘I want a great one.’
*
The darkness pressed in on them from all sides, challenging the strength of the car’s headlights. They cut a clear path ahead but beyond their reach the world was lost to the night. The city shimmered distantly in the rear-view mirror like an abandoned jewel at the bottom of the ocean. Soon it wou
ld disappear completely.
Shane didn’t speak as he drove. He just silently moved the car deeper into the countryside.
Amanda picked at the ends of her nails, looking down at her hands, wondering what they would prove themselves to be capable of.
‘Do you remember when you left?’ the question slid from her lips before it was even fully formed in her mind.
‘Huh?’ Shane’s forehead crinkled as he was suitably confused.
‘When we were together. In our apartment. You remember that?’
‘Of course.’ His green eyes remained focused intently on the illuminated strip of road ahead.
‘You left because you were tired of me using the darknet.’
‘What’s your point?’
‘My point…’ Amanda shifted in her seat. No matter how she sat she could feel the stifling presence of the gun nestled close by. ‘Is why are you here now? I’m about to commit a murder, Shane. That makes you an accessory, which is a whole lot worse than turning a blind eye to my online activities.’
Shane clenched his jaw but didn’t reply.
‘If we’re caught you’ll lose more than just your job. You’ll go to jail. We both will.’
‘Is there a question there somewhere?’ He sounded angry.
The car careened around a corner, the headlights burning against a small rabbit who just had time to scramble out of the road to safety.
‘I guess what I’m asking is why stick around now? When you wouldn’t before.’
‘Because I learned from my mistakes,’ he told her briskly.
‘Meaning what?’
‘Meaning,’ he swung the car around a tight corner, approaching it with a bit too much speed. It shuddered uneasily as it straightened out. ‘If I had to choose between losing you and losing my job, my freedom. I now know which is worse.’
‘But you’re risking everything.’
‘You’re worth it.’ He powered down a length of straight road. They were drawing ever closer to the woodlands within McAllister’s estate. ‘Now can we just drop it please?’
