“Hi, there,” she said. “The kindly lady there in the of-fice told me you might be able to help?”
“That's what we do here,” I said, bowing gallantly over her hand. “May I introduce myself? I'm Skeeve. These are my associates, Nunzio and Chumley.”
“Well, I'm charmed,” the lovely lady said. “I'll just re-turn the favor? I'm Hermalaya, princess of Foxe-Swampburg in the dimension of Reynardoor I was?”
I raised my eyebrows. “Welcome. Will you sit down and tell us all about it?”
“Well,” Hermalaya said, breathlessly, sinking into the client chair, “I shoulda known that something was gonna happen after Mama and Daddy died. I'm the firstborn in my family, so of course they put me on the throne. We're the oldest family in Foxe-Swampburg, the first Swamp Foxes to put down roots there? I'm proud of my heritage, and I love my people. One thing Daddy always told me was trust the folks who know what they're doing? So I did. We got a real smart prime minister and a bunch of other peo-ple who ran things for Daddy? I just left everything in their hands. My subjects came to me when they had troubles. I passed them along to the prime minister? 'Cause I don't have a whole lot of experience yet? I learned other things suitable for a princess, of course. I'm a good listener. I'm a pretty darned good cook. I mean, sooner or later I gotta think about ensuring the succession, so I want to get mar-ried and have kits? But in the meantime, I'm trying to catch on to what's going on? Except I just didn't have a chance?”
“Why not?” I asked. Hermalaya acquired an indignant pout. “Well, because that darned prime minister just up and usurped me last week!” I frowned. “He threw you off the throne? Why?”
The Swamp Fox princess shook her head in bemusement. “Well, I'm sure I don't know. We had us some hard times in Foxe-Swampburg, that's for sure. We had these nasty bugs? They were just everywhere, and we couldn't get rid of them. They bored holes through everything? I mean, my subjects were just going broke trying to fix things. The cisterns all sprang leaks, and people were run-ning out of clean water? So I told the chancellor of the ex-chequer to open up the treasury? I mean, we all woulda been bored full of holes, too, if it wasn't for the Old Folks protecting us.”
“I know what you mean” I said, as a Humbee buzzed over our heads like a vulture swooping down. Gleep made a leap for it and settled down to chew noisily. Hermalaya stared in amazement at the invasion and capture. I cleared my throat. “Uh, please go on.”
“Well, not much to tell, except I tried to help my people, because that's what I'm supposed to do? Mama and Daddy always instilled in us the deepest sense of responsibility toward those who depend upon us.”
“Most admirable,” Chumley said, then lowered his heavy brow as Hermalaya turned to stare at him. “Big Crunch mean, 'good foxy'!”
I frowned. “So what do you need from us? We're not an army.”
“Well, what do you think?” Hermalaya asked. "My people need me. They can't just have an old prime minister as their leader? You can see what kind of chaos that would lead to. I mean, how can he make unpopular decisions if there's no one for them to love when he's being mean? He's got no one to explain
to the people in a friendly way that that's the way it's got to be. Of course,“ she added reflec-tively, ”I mean unpopular decisions that don't involve bouncin' his lawful monarch out the door? Mister Skeeve, I'd be just as grateful as possible if you would help me get my throne back!"
“Well, ma'am,” I said. “You know our reputation, or you wouldn't have come to M.Y.T.H., Inc. We'd love to help you, but our assistance doesn't come cheap. Uh, it's awk-ward, but can you handle our fees?”
Hermalaya looked crestfallen. “Well, that's the trouble, you know. I just don't have any money. I have heard of you all, and one of the things that people told me? Sometimes you come in and help for the sake of helping?”
I winced. Just when I needed to find a way to score a lot of coins from a client, our reputation for occasional altru-ism came out. But, waitBunny promised that she would not send me a client with whom it would be impossible to win the contest I had going with Aahz. If I trusted anyone in the world, it had to be her. For the life of me, at that mo-ment I couldn't see how I could turn this one around.
I sighed and put my chin on my palm. “Tell me some more. Maybe we can figure something out. Why did it hap-pen?”
“Well,” Hermalaya said, “that of prime ministerhis name's Matfany, by the wayhe's been pretty good at ex-plaining things to me most of the time. But when he found out I had the chancellor of the exchequer hand out a lot of our money to those poor people who lost everything to the bugs, he just lost his mind!”
“Literally?” Nunzio asked, with interest.
“Not exactly right out of his head,” Hermalaya admit-ted. “But it was a pretty darned mean thing to do. He marched into my rooms one day, and he didn't even look at me. Normally he looks at me. A lot. But that day, he just couldn't. He said that he had just talked to the chancellor. The treasury was empty, and it was all my fault. He said I didn't have a right to hand out the money. That by just giv-ing it out to anybody I was endangering the kingdom? Be-ing broke leaves Foxe-Swampburg vulnerable to anybody who wants to invade it? Or have our creditors come in and claim just every little thing we have. That'd make uswhat did he call it?a client state instead of a free principality? I had gone against everything that my daddy and his an-cestors had ever done to keep us from being taken over by enemies or revenuers. Matfany said he wasn't going to let Foxe-Swampburg fall like that? He said that he didn't have a choice? He was gonna have to toss me out of the kingdom for the good of everyone. Now I thought that I was acting for the good of everyone. I've been their princess all my life, and I have never done a single thing that was against them, I swear.”
“I'm sure you didn't,” I said, sympathetically.
“It was just so hurtful, all the things he said. He ac-cused me of sitting around all day eating Cake! Now, look at me,” she said, displaying her svelte figure with indignant pride. “Do I look like I do nothing but eat Cake?”
“Cake?” I asked. “What kind of cake?” “Not cake, Cake.” Even I could hear the capital C in Cake. I guessed it was a local delicacy. “And then what?” I asked. “Oh, yes, and then he condemned me to death,” Herma-laya added. “He did WHAT?” I jumped out of my seat.
Hermalaya waved a hand. “Oh, yes, and he said he didn't have a choice about that, either? For the good of the kingdom I had to go into exile? If I could just return freely anytime I felt like it, then anything he tried to do to bring Foxe-Swampburg back into prosperity could just be un-done. So I and anyone who was caught with me back in my very own homeland was subject to a death sentence. He sent all of my pages and my ladies-in-waiting home to their mamas. He didn't give me more than an hour to get my bags packed? Then he had a whole troop of guards es-cort me over the border? They weren't any help at all. I've never seen such discourtesy. I had to hike all the way to the next town before I could get a ride to the archduke who lives next door. He's a nice fellow. He had his royal wizard transport me here. He said you folks were the best there was at solving problems. So, here I am, all alone in this world.”
I pounded my fist into my palm. “Well, we're going to help you.” Hermalaya fluttered her long eyelashes at me. “I'd be so grateful?”
“Seems to me we have three problems,” Nunzio said, ticking them off on his fingers. “One: you've got a usurper who took over and has at least some popular support be-cause royalty's generally carried forward by inertia. It has to take something drastic before the people want to throw them out, so some of 'em aren't gonna want her back. Sec-ond: you've got the money angle. Foxe-Swampburg is in the hole. Putting Princess Hermalaya back isn't gonna solve that. You're just changing a finance guy for a figure-head, one who by her own admission has no talent for fund-raising. The prime minister is going to be in a better position to pay our fee than she is. The kingdom might nee
d him more than they need her.” “True,” I groaned. “Third?”
“Third is lack of interest from anyone to step in and help. Foxe-Swampburg's just a backwater. To be honest, Boss, deposed royalty is a dime a silver coin. We've had plenty of tin-pot kings come knocking on the door looking for help. What she needs are powerful allies to lean on Matfany to bring her back. I think the kingdom's creditors would be the best prospects, but I wouldn't sneeze at influ-ential monarchs who have an army at hand, but what's their motivation? You can't get people to listen without a more interesting story of some kind. Something that sets them apart from all the other hereditary officeholders whose constituency tossed them out. You need an angle that sets her apart.”
An angle. I eyed Hermalaya. She was all graceful curves and big sad eyes. Nunzio was right. I'd had my share of former monarchs, oligarchs, and despots come to my new office who wanted me to put them back where they be-longed. I had been grateful to say that that wasn't what I did. I did not send them to M.Y.T.H., Inc. By the same to-ken, I would probably have sent Hermalaya away if Bunny had not assigned her to me.
“Tell me about the Cake you're supposed to have been eating,” I asked, desperate to change tack. “How is that different from the fluffy stuff with frosting?”
“You're a Klahd,” she said, but it wasn't with the usual scorn. "You don't know anything about the Way of Cake.
It's a holy ceremony in Reynardo, with many centuries of history behind it. I have been a practitioner since I was a little kit. My mommy had me initiated. Why, I've been serving Cake since I could only handle Cupcakes. The Way has made my life so much better than it would have been. I find peace and fulfillment in the ceremony."
“Really?” I asked. I had the beginning of an idea. If I knew something about the culture, I could formulate a way to help her. "May I. .. experience the Way of Cake?
“If you have any reason to think it will help me to re-gain my throne,” Hermalaya said. She sounded doubtful.
“What do you need, your highness?” Nunzio asked, “We can get almost anything right here in the Bazaar.”
“Why, thank you,” she said, favoring him with a de-lightful smile that made me wish I had been the recipient instead. “I'll make you a list. Has anyone got a little old piece of parchment?”
Myth 18 - MythChief
THIRTEEN
“Swamp Foxes pride ourselves on existing with just any kind of resources we can turn up, sir,” Matfany said. He was a decent-looking specimen. He had the long nose of every Swamp Fox I'd ever run into, which, counting him, was two. His black coat was wavy, except for the pelt on his chest and the tuft between his tall, triangular ears, which were tightly curled, and he had a pair of wire-rimmed glasses perched on his long nose. He had the sardonic look of a stand-up comedian, but the eyes were sincere and very serious. That kind of expression always made me nervous. It usually meant a fanatic of some kind.
“We do with what we've got, or we do without. That is the way of the Swamp Fox, from time immemorial. But we haven't got, sir. That's our problem. I am having to re-create a government out of a sea of neglect, is what I am doing. To put a sadly blunt comment upon it, out of my usually polite way of putting things, you understand? But we are broke as a shattered vase, sir.”
I stood up from my chair. "Too bad. We don't take
charity cases very often, pal, and we're full up on our quota for the month." Matfany stood up, a bemused look on his face.
“Sir, I don't understand.” “I have to explain 'no' to you?” “Aahz!” Tananda fired off a warning shot. “What did we just finish discussing?”
I knew. I sat back and signaled for him to do the same. I had agreed to take the next case to come through the door and make more money than Skeeve could, no matter what it was. I sighed and poured myself a half bucket of single malt, drained it, and refilled it.
“All right, tell me all about it.”
The sincere eyes fixed on mine, and he hooked a thumb beneath the suspender holding up his trousers, took a deep breath, and began.
“Well, sir, you may have visited Foxe-Swampburg in the past. The thing is that it looks like a pretty nice place, and it is, only I have to tell you that underneath what is a very handsome and appealing exterior are problems that would just curl your hair, sir, if you had hair, that was. No offense intended to people with scales. It's just an expres-sion. Now, I have had the enormous responsibility ...”
“Of course I could do better than the kid!” I had rea-soned, once Tanda and I were alone in my private office. “I just didn't want him to feel bad.”
“Not bad after you just tore strips out of him for walk-ing out on us?” Tananda had countered. “And how did you feel when he walked out?” I asked. “Pretty awful. But I made up with him. You haven't.”
I had to admit she was right. The one time he came to find me, I'd been pretty glad to see him, but he had a ri-diculous job on tap for which he wanted my help. I turned him down flat because he should have turned it down. And the fact was he came out of it without a bent copper coin. Oh, maybe they gave him the D-hopper, which was cur-rently in my right-hand pants pocket, but so what? A Klahd was only asking for trouble getting involved with ten Per-vect females.6 But Skeeve never listened to what I said. And he never came back to find me again. Hell with it.
I had plenty of other friends, Tananda included. But to have Skeeve waltzing back into the Bazaar after an ab-sence of months and expecting to take over M.Y.T.H., Inc. again like he had never left didn't take into account any-one's past feelings or present positions. We'd all moved on.
Including me.
Except we hadn't. Not really. That's what hurt. We trusted him, and he walked off without looking back. The whole M.Y.T.H., Inc. enterprise was possible mostly be-cause of his ... I don't want to say leadership; call it glue. He was the glue. Once he was gone we hung together in a kind of loose fashion, mostly because of inertia. We liked each other, but, well, maybe I understated it when I said we liked him. I never knew a Klahd who could engender such loyalty, and all without seeming to know what he was do-ing.
He said he had his reasons. Maybe we had too high ex-pectations where he was concerned. Not me. I knew what Klahds were capable of. Skeeve just exceeded those capa-bilities most of the time. He should have been born a Per-vect. Together we could have taken over dimensions.
Nah. The upkeep'd kill you.
"... And what do you think, after all that? She says the treasury's not up to her expectations, and what am I gonna do about that? What am / gonna do? I'm supposed to keep filling it up so she can just empty it again? With what? Our
6. See the whole account in Myth Alliances, available from your more reputable purveyors of fiction.
people's got what they've got, sir. And, as I said, what they've got at the moment is nothing. We've got creditors breathing down our necks, and we don't like it. We like to keep ourselves to ourselves, sir. I collect taxes to pay the bills, but when there's no income, there are no taxes, and when there are no taxes, there's no revenue for nothing else."
I made a face. Back to business. I snapped on my asset-counting hat. “Can you increase exports of anything?” I asked, men-tally going down the checklist. “We don't really export anything, sir,” said Matfany, ruefully. I raised an eyebrow. “So how do you make money?”
“I thought you said you'd heard of Foxe-Swampburg? Hospitality, sir. Ours is an economy based upon visitors, especially repeat visitors. We used to get plenty of guests from off-dimension looking for a little getaway, if you un-derstand me?”
I leered at him. “Sure do.”
Matfany looked sternly at me. "Sir, we're not Vaygus. I mean, you want to go and empty your pockets while hav-ing your eardrums and your eyeballs pounded, that's where you go. If you want a quiet week drowning bait or stumping up hills, lying on a beach and maybe sucking down some local brew, we're the
sto
p for you. Food's pretty good. People are nice. You can just relax yourself to pieces."
“I've been there,” Tananda put in, with a mind-blowing smile at Matfany. “It's pretty.”
“Don Bruce went fishin' there one time,” Guido put in. “We rubbed out about fifty-eight trout. The Don offered Foxe-Swampburg his official seal of approval. We also got some business accomplished during the trip.” He gave us a significant look with one brow raised. I could make an ed-ucated guess what kind of business had drawn the Mob
Boss to an out-of-the-way locale like Foxe-Swampburg. Matfany looked baffled. I cleared my throat.
“Not my usual kind of vacation, but it has its place. So, what happened to derail Foxe-Swampburg's success story?”
“Pinchbugs,” he said. “Some empty-headed fool im-ported a few breeding pairs because their wings make pretty jewelry. Thought they could get an accessories trade going. Could've told you that'd come to no good. If anyone had asked the government, and by that I mean me, for an import license, I would have said no way. Man didn't think things through, you can just tell.”
“And what happened?” I asked.
“Well, sir. no one can relax when flies the size of your linger are biting you every other second, now can they? Some species don't care, but most of 'em canceled their reservations in a hurry. We lost about seven years' book-ings all in one week. Those darned flies also ate about ev-ery leaf and needle on every plant and burrowed holes in nearly everything except metal. I've got clothes that're so well ventilated I don't need a fan in the summertime, sir.”
“Don't draw me a picture,” I growled. “And what about the pinchbugs? Is that what you need us to do?”
“Oh, we got rid of them pinchbugs, sir,” Matfany said. “Soon's we figured out that was the big problem, we found a wizard from Shelf who came in and took care of them, no problem. Big fee, though. Took about everything that was left in the treasury. And when that was gone, that girl was still honking on about what was she going to use for clothes money? The treasury's about empty. That was when I realized that girl was only going to cause more problems than she was gonna solve. I mean, she was the princess and all, but she just isn't the administrator that her daddy was. I tried to get her interested in the day-to-day workings. I'm not sure if she wasn't interested or she didn't have, well, you'll excuse me, the mental furniture to under-stand what needed to be done. I kinda had to take over the government completely then, because unless i did. we. weren't gonna have one anymore. Now, I like that girl plenty, but she's a nuisance. I didn't think she was that empty-headed, but you tell me! Clothes money! We've just got to put things back together, or Foxe-Swampburg's pretty well doomed. I've got creditors barking at me day and night. They want satisfaction, and for the sake of the kingdom, I've got to find it for them.”
Myth 18 - MythChief Page 9
