Knowing I’m giving up on all normal things in life, I think I’ve come to realize that I need to find other ways of fulfillment. I need to do something to leave my mark in this world, and the only way I know to do that is to set things straight. I know there are some things I need to set right, while Ellie’s heart still beats within me.
Despite the pain I caused Dax today, I can’t help thinking about the pain I also took away. This morning when I ran into Hunter, he smiled genuinely just moments after I saw his face melting with grief while he spoke to a tree. Maybe I’ve been wrong about hiding the truth from him. It’s possible he would find closure or relief, knowing where his wife’s heart went, to know it’s loved and cared for. I’ve considered the opposite outcome, though. I’ve gone back and forth so much and If I were in his shoes, I’m not sure if I would or wouldn’t want to meet the lucky person who got to keep living while the unlucky love of my life didn’t. I think I might feel the need to know, regardless of how much it would hurt. I’m not giving him that option. I haven’t given him that portion. Maybe I should…
I’m going to do it. I’m going to come clean and hope it helps rather than hurts. I promised Ellie before she died that I would make sure Hunter was okay, if and when she passed. I haven’t done that. I let her down, but I might have let her down more if I told Hunter earlier and he didn’t like the idea of me flaunting my possession of Ellie’s heart in front of his face.
It’s time now. I think.
“Ari?” Piper says from behind me, startling me into standing up.
“What are you still doing here?” I ask.
She knots her fingers together and grins sheepishly. “My lease expired two days ago. I couldn’t renew it since I’m moving to France, and with André being gone already, I had nowhere to stay.”
“That’s ridiculous,” I tell her. “You know you can always stay with me, you goof.”
She walks closer and places her hands on my shoulders. “Except, I was kind of hoping you were going to get laid tonight, and I didn’t want to mess that up for you.”
I rub my palm down he side of my face and snort quietly. “That is definitely not happening tonight or anytime in the near future, so you have nothing to worry about.”
“Wait, why? And where is Dax? Why is your date over, an hour after it began?”
I groan before the words hit my tongue. “He’s really into me…a little too into me. He wants a relationship, and that isn’t something I can give him, so… I ended it.”
Piper tilts her head to the side, and her forehead crunches with question. “How can you end something without a beginning?”
Like a mother never meeting her child or a young adult never experiencing adulthood or a husband never getting a chance to understand what a family is just as his daughter is born, things can most definitely end before they begin. I’ve borne witness to it too many times. “It can’t begin or end.”
Piper knows enough not to question my decisions. She understands that the way I live and that the choices I make are only to give me peace of mind so I don’t leave someone in the wind of my existence while suffering in pain.
“You’ll always have me, you know? Whether you like it or not.”
I wrap my arms around her neck and squeeze gently. “Except, you’re moving to France and living every woman’s dream. Half of the world will be between us soon, but that’s okay. I want you to live your dream, and I want you to call me as often as you can so I can live vicariously through your romantic fairytale.
“I can do that,” she says softly. “You know, Ari, if you don’t want me to leave, I’ll stay. You just have to say the word. You’re my best friend and you come before any guy. Even a French guy with the most beautiful accent who lives in a villa across from a vineyard.”
We both laugh, knowing I would never hold her back from that. “Don’t be crazy.”
“Will you come visit?” she asks.
“If I get a clean bill of health during my next check-up, I might consider the possibility. I have always wanted to go to France.”
She embraces me again. “I’m going to miss you so much.”
“Me too. But lucky for us, we get to have a sleepover tonight and tomorrow night—one last girl’s night hurrah before you leave.”
Piper doesn’t appear to be listening to the last of my statements and instead, perks up with a concerned look. “Do you see that?” she asks in a whisper.
“See what?”
“The man staring into the window?”
I look toward the window, and I see a man with his hands cupped around his eyes, looking in through the glass.
“It’s seven,” Piper says. “That’s odd.”
Most of the other stores close at nine on this street. Considering the lights are on, he might be trying to figure out if we’re open Piper walks to the door and points to her wrist. “We’re closed,” she shouts through the glass.
The man holds his hand up apologetically and looks down at his watch. Staying off to the side, I take a few steps closer to get a better look at him, and I see it’s Hunter. He’s looking for me.
I remain out of the sight, not wanting him to see me. It wouldn’t be hard to figure out which flower shop is mine, considering there are only three in town and one of them is a chain store, popular across the country.
“I know him,” I tell Piper as he disappears from the window.
“What’s with you and all of these good-looking men flocking your way?” she giggles.
Funny, but I have never considered Hunter’s looks. Though he’s very attractive, he’s Ellie’s husband, and I could never consider anything more than admitting to him who I am.
“That was Ellie’s husband,” I tell Piper.
“What? How do you know?”
“Pictures mostly, but I ran into him today at the gardens. I remember him from the hospital and from the thousands of pictures Ellie always shared with me. I told him I owned a flower shop in town, so I’m assuming that’s why he’s here.”
Piper backs away with a little shock painted across her cheeks. “Does he know who you are? Who you really are? Did you tell him?”
“Oh, God no. I couldn’t.”
“You should,” she says quickly. “He deserves to know.”
“I’m going to think about it.”
CHAPTER SIX
I sit down at my computer and press my fingertips lightly on the keyboard. There is no way to tell a broken-hearted man that you have the heart he once lost. For years, I’ve contemplated the words I would use but no words seem delicate or worthy enough. For just over a month, I have sat down at this computer and typed out the perfect letter at least a hundred times, only to type the last word and immediately hate everything I have written. What I’ve concluded is that this isn’t the type of information given through a letter, but it still has to be written.
Dear Hunter,
I can’t do this any longer. Her heart aches for you every time I send you a letter. Guilt fills my soul and covers me like a heavy blanket I can’t seem to find my way out of. I know I’m not responsible for taking her life but I feel like I’m keeping her alive for you and at the same time holding this heart hostage for the sake of yours.
I’ve debated over the last couple of weeks whether or not this is the right decision, but I think it is.
I asked the doctors to keep my information anonymous because I didn’t think I would have it in me to face the family who so unfortunately lost this very heart I protect so dearly. With realization of the unfairness in this situation, given you have not been offered the choice to remain anonymous, I feel I should unveil my identity to offer you proper closure. These letters aren’t fair to either one of us, and I have been selfish in pretending they are.
I’d like to request that you meet me at the Borderline Grill for dinner tonight at seven. I realize it is short notice and I know you have to find care for Olive, but if I don’t do this now, I m
ay never find the courage to do it again.
I understand if this is too much to ask or if you don’t wish to meet with me. In any case, I appreciate your consideration.
Best,
Her Heart
I print out the letter and, with an exhale, I place it into an envelope. Now or never. For the amount of times I have said that…I can’t believe I’m actually sending it.
I’m not sure I can wait for the mail to run through the delivery system so I’m going to drop it into his mailbox, and chance him seeing me from his window. I need him to have this letter and I need to see if he will meet me tonight so I can come clean. There’s no more waiting.
As I drive down Hunter’s street, I see cars in his driveway and a knot forms in my stomach. Maybe I could just ring his doorbell and blurt it all out, but I feel like I should give him the option of finding this information out. He may not want to know who I am. If he chooses to meet me tonight, then I’ll know it’s what he wants. If he doesn’t, I’m going to lay this all to rest.
I stop in right in front of his mailbox, glancing quickly at the window to see if the coast is clear. When I see it is, I hop out of my car and place the letter inside the mailbox, leaving the flap open so he will hopefully know something is inside. Without being spotted, I take off, crossing my fingers that he does want to know who has his wife’s heart. It’s a secret I don’t want to hold onto anymore.
***
As I pull into the parking lot of the diner I asked Hunter to meet me at tonight, I realize this has been one of the longest days of my life. To my surprise, I see his car as I’m walking toward the front door. He’s here. He came! He wants to know, and I want to relieve myself of this heavy secret. All of these understandings are making my chest hurt, but also making Ellie’s heart beat hard and fast. I hope she wants this as much as I do.
When I walk into the diner, Hunter is already inside. His back is to me, and he’s looking around the restaurant as the hostess asks him how many are in his party. Without thinking, I respond for him. “Two, please.”
Expecting him to turn around, possibly with curiosity as to who is answering for him, I’m a little taken aback when he doesn’t turn to see me. Instead, he follows the young girl leading us to our seat.
As we approach the end of the row, the girl places two menus down onto the table and Hunter sits in the closest seat, still facing away from me. After our meeting in the garden, I find Hunter’s behavior a little strange. I can only assume he’s as nervous as I am, and this is his way of showing it.
When I slip into the seat across from him, feeling even more anxious than a moment ago, I find him with his eyes closed, which confirms my assumptions. He’s scared to know. Part of me would like to take his hand and place it over my chest before he has a second to realize anything else, but that would be inappropriate.
Instead, I place my hand gently on top of his. The sensation of his skin is cold against mine, yet magnetic at the same time. His fingers feel stiff beneath my touch, but only until he curls his hand up into a fist.
Finally, he pulls in a shuddering breath and opens his eyes, appearing startled, shocked, and I’m not sure I can pinpoint the hundreds of other emotions running through his face.
His hand cups over his mouth, and all I hear is a muttering of, “You.”
I respond with, “Me,” and a small laugh to ease the discomfort.
We begin a conversation with the small talk we left off with at the gardens, but it quickly grows heavier during every moment that passes.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks.
“I couldn’t figure out how to,” I say, trying my best to look everywhere and anywhere except him.
Though, when I look back at him, there’s a small smile teasing his lips. “Hey, I have your wife’s heart,” he says, joking of the simple words that should have been spoken when we met at the gardens. “That would have done the trick.”
“Yeah, like that would be the appropriate way to do it and not weird at all,” I say through a sigh. “I wanted to tell you but there’s something about running up to a total stranger and gutting him.”
Although strangers, the way in which we are connected is much stranger
“Instead, you have written me anonymous letters for five years. Don’t you realize that has gutted me, too?” I gutted him? That was precisely what I was trying to avoid. How could I have been so wrong?
“That was never my intention, Hunter. I promise you,” I say, stressfully running my fingers through my hair. “
He looks like he’s contemplating his next set of questions, which has my nerves bundled up in a tight ball. Maybe this was a bad idea.“Did you know I would be at the gardens that day?” he asks. Oh, no…he think I’ve been following him. I’m not psycho!
“No, I had no idea. That happened all on it’s own.” Although I can’t help and wonder if maybe Ellie wanted it to happen.
“Wow,” he says, questioningly. I don’t know if his reaction is a good one or bad one, though. I’m just hoping he doesn’t think I’m insane
“Can I take your order or do you need a few more minutes?” The waitress thankfully interrupts.
“Could I have the garden salad with oil and vinegar, topped with the grilled chicken, please?”
“Salad? Are you serious?” he asks with laughter.
I place my hand over my chest. “Gotta keep this ticking.”
“She’ll have a burger and fries,” he spits out to the waitress. His gesture utterly shocks me. We don’t know each other at all and yet, he wants to order for me? Normally, I would consider that rude, but for some reason, I don’t think he’s doing it to be disrespectful.
“Hey,” I croak out.
“Are you a vegetarian?” he asks with a raised brow.
“No,” I laugh.
“Burger and fries it is, then. Same for me, please.” As the waitress takes the menus, Hunter leans back into his chair, relaxing a bit, which is a relief. If only, I felt the same way. “So, you knew Ellie? I know you made mention of it in one of your last letters, but hearing it out loud stuns me again.”
Oh no. No. No. No. I didn’t realize how many truths I would have to divulge by just admitting who I was. Now, I’m telling Hunter all sorts of things I feel like Ellie wanted to keep a secret. “I was her student teacher before she passed.”
“Student teacher?” he asks, seeming confused. “I don’t understand,” what one thing has to do with another.
“I was dying,” I tell him, feeling a sudden tear break out of the corner of my eye. Crap! This was not in my plan for tonight.
“From what? he asks simply, almost unfazed—sort of the way I was toward the end.
“Congenital Heart Failure. I wasn’t supposed to make it past twenty, but I did,” I explain. “She wanted to help me.” It sounds like such an easy solution coming from my mouth, but for the fact that she had to die in order for me to live, is something I will never be able to swallow.
“That was Ellie. She considered becoming a nurse but she has—had—an aversion to blood and a teacher was the next best thing when it came to helping people, so that’s what she did. She also had a thing for little kids—born to be a mother, I always thought,” he says.
I try to pull in a couple of even breaths, but I’m not sure I will be able to catch breath throughout the rest of our time here together. “She told me if it was meant to be, I would receive my heart—meaning if her heart were to outlive her brain before I passed away, I would be pretty damn lucky. The kindness of Ellie is something that has been infused within me; it has remained in her heart. But her telling me I would be lucky didn’t seem so clear until I found out the heart was going to be mine. I wouldn’t consider her death in exchange for my survival to be very lucky.”
I’m quick to realize I have once again said too much as the look on Hunter’s face contorts with pain. “I’m sorry,” he says, shaking his. “What were you saying about her
heart surviving her brain?”
I feel a weakness crawl through me, making me want to fall faint into the chair I’m leaning on, just so I can disappear from this conversation. “That’s what she said to me,” I say quietly.
“But why would she consider that possibility?” he asks, sounding almost outraged. “You must know why she would say something so random?”
Thinking quickly, all I can come up with is, “She said it was her destiny to give life. It was God’s plan for her.”
“No. There was more,” he says.
“This is not my place,” I tell him. “I don’t feel right about this, which is exactly why I have kept my distance over the years. I didn’t come here tonight to tell you things Ellie confided in me. I came here to end the pain I’ve presumably been causing you, which is evident now.” I need to leave. I’ve ruined everything and I’ve made this situation so much worse. “This was a terrible idea.”
As I stand up and walk past him, he makes an attempt to keep me here, grabbing my arm, getting me to stay and tell him more, but I pull away and run outside, needing the cold air to clear out my suffocating lungs.
I only make it out to the front curb before I drop down and let the tears fall from my eyes. I just screwed up Hunter’s life a little more. That wasn’t fair of me. I should never have reopened this wound.
He finds me outside and the questions begin to pour out of him, each one breaking my heart a little more. He’s looking at me like I hold all of the secrets, like he wants to take a hold of my arm and not let me go until everything I know is drained out of my mouth. I can’t give him that but I admit to knowing about him from years ago when Ellie would talk about him daily, to knowing who he was the first moment I saw him in the garden. I explain the internal debate I’ve had for years about revealing my identity in fear of hurting him more, and yet, nothing I say seems like enough or like what he’s wanting to hear because he’s staring at me with a lost look in his eyes, or like he’s trying to see through my eyes to read every thought floating through me. The apologetic look I must have on my face is likely telling him there is more he doesn’t know. But, it’s a secret I promised to keep.
Christmas in the City II Page 16
