by Becky Norman
Lori reached up with her newly-unbound right hand and placed it over his hand on her cheek. “But Noel, I don’t understand. If we both want to be together, then why is it so wrong for us to choose that? Who says I can’t learn self-reliance with you here?”
He gave her a long look of regret and shook his head. “Because the very nature of your question shows that you don’t understand what self-reliance truly means. Besides – it’s too soon for either one of us. Things are happening too quickly and we both need to have some time away to reflect. You’re too much of a distraction to me,” he added with a grin.
She leaned forward, to test the sincerity of his words, and was rewarded with an immediate response as he pulled her to him and kissed her soundly. She instinctively reached down to keep the fries from tipping and then lost consciousness of all other practical concerns as she answered the urgency of his mouth. There was a deep, dark undercurrent when Noel kissed her that she hadn’t ever experienced before; it was like tasting a food she’d never consumed and exploring each bite to reveal the ingredients.
Both of his hands were now framing her face and he was putting just enough pressure on her skull to hold her still as he plumbed the depths of her soul. She had surrendered completely to him already, her heart pounding in her chest as he carried on with his exploration. Suddenly, however, he broke off with a ragged gasp and uttered her name with frustration.
“Not yet,” he panted as his fingers lightly squeezed the nape of her neck. “Just...not yet, okay?”
She realized she was breathing heavily, too, and could do nothing but nod as they rested their heads against one another, trying to regain their equilibrium.
“Can you try – again – to explain to me what the snow leopard and my learning to rely on myself have in common? Just so I understand why you have to go?”
He kissed her lightly on the forehead and let her go. His leaving felt like being plunged into a bath of icy water after sitting close to a campfire and she shivered slightly as she sat back.
Noel sat back, too, and put his hands on the steering wheel of his truck as though to keep them occupied while he talked.
“Native peoples believe that each person is visited by a spirit animal – a totem – that comes to guide that human on their personal journey. And from what I know of the snow leopard, it is a solitary hunter. They feed and live mostly alone, only meeting up with others to mate and raise their cubs and even then the mother will send her young off to live alone when they’re a year old.”
“It sounds harsh,” Lori observed.
“Well, like all things that depends on your perspective,” Noel answered with a small smile. “The elders believe that like the snow leopard, humans who are touched by them will face many situations in their lives that will help to develop their ability to rely upon and trust the Inner Self. They are in essence being moulded to handle all that life throws their way...and certainly that’s a valuable ability to have.”
“Hmmm,” Lori conceded. “That may be...but it sounds very lonely to me.”
Noel looked at her quietly for a moment, his thumb rubbing back and forth over the nodules on the steering wheel. “It doesn’t mean that the snow leopard doesn’t long for a mate,” he said softly. “It just means that they need time alone to do their thinking and assess their feelings. If they don’t get that time apart, it can be damaging to their sense of freedom. They can begin to feel trapped.”
Lori glanced down at her lap briefly and picked up another fry. She chewed thoughtfully, processing what Noel was saying to her.
“Self-reliance can bring about what some perceive to be harsh lessons,” Noel continued. “It usually brings up feelings of abandonment or rejection but that’s only because the one experiencing them hasn’t learned to start listening to the Inner Voice yet.”
Noel shifted slightly in the seat and reached over to smooth a lock of Lori’s hair back into place behind her ear. “My fervent hope, Lori, is that you wouldn’t see my leaving as abandonment, but I’ll understand if you do. You’ve felt rejection in the past, I think?”
She thought back over the last year and had to admit there had been immense feelings of desolation as one after another of her friends and family had appeared to abandon her. She nodded and swallowed the French fry. It felt dry and seemed to stick in her throat.
“I’ve felt like I’ve lost everybody this year, in one way or another,” she said and was alarmed when her voice cracked with emotion. “First Cody, of course...but even my mom, pulling her and dad away and saying I could ‘handle it on my own’...and then Anne not letting Jesse help me when I needed him the most around the place...and even Shannon and Mark not being around every time I’ve needed them. I’ve felt very alone at times,” she added, welling up with an immense feeling of self-pity.
“Yes.” It was all Noel said, but it triggered the tears as she realized he really did understand. She set the fries aside on the seat next to her and slowly leaned in against him as he opened up his arm and gathered her in.
She cried until she felt his suede coat getting damp under her face, only then pulling back to apologize as she wiped her tears away and mopped at the fringe on his jacket with a napkin.
“It’s alright, Lori,” he said gently as he took the napkin from her and stilled her hands. “But can you see, maybe, how all they’ve done has been for the good of you? And not to harm you in any way?”
She furrowed her brow, puzzled, and he explained further.
“You told me once that you and Cody had been having fights before he flew that last time, where you were upset that he left you alone and expected you to look after the place.”
She nodded mutely.
“Can you now see the blessing in those trips he made? They were a small taste of the work you would have to do at the farm on your own – permanently – once he died. In effect, those trips were conditioning you to the life you would be leading now. There was almost a gradual elimination of your dependence on Cody – first with the trips and then with his death,” Noel reflected.
Lori wiped her nose on a napkin, still listening and thinking about what Noel said.
“And I’ve seen first-hand how protective your father is of you,” Noel added. “While it’s certainly important for parents to protect their children, there comes a time when they have to be released...when they have to stand on their own two feet and make a go of it...because parents don’t live forever, either.”
Lori heard a tinge of sadness in Noel’s voice with that statement that caused her to look up at him quickly. She secretly wondered about his own parents’ deaths and how it had affected him.
“So while you may look at your mother as being less sympathetic with your needs than your dad, she may actually be helping you more than he is at this point in your life. She’s the one coaching you towards self-reliance even as she stands behind you and silently supports.”
“Tough love,” Lori murmured with a little laugh.
Noel smiled at her. “Maybe. And while Anne might be keeping you away from Jesse for all the ‘wrong’ reasons, you have to admit she is helping you develop reliance on yourself rather than trying to replace Cody with Jesse.”
Lori started back at that. “I am not trying to replace Cody!”
Noel gave her a knowing look. “Not for all things, no. But maybe for some, Lori?”
She thought about how she had reacted to Jesse’s help around the farm...just like Cody used to do. And how he sometimes looked exactly like his brother with certain expressions. “Maybe some,” she mumbled.
Noel reached over and squeezed her knee, acknowledging her confession.
“We’re all here to support you in the best way we know how, Lori. But we’re supporting you in a goal that you – or we – may not even be conscious of. With a snow leopard totem, you’re being asked to listen to the Inner Voice – the Divine within you – and trust yourself and your own abilities. Once we
recognize that Voice and follow its direction, we can’t be led astray. And you’ll find you’ll never be alone again once you follow that course.”
Lori mulled that over for a few moments and saw the validity of what Noel was saying, but there was still one image she couldn’t shake from her mind’s eye.
“That’s all well and good, Noel, but what if you know your Inner Voice has told you you’re not going to be alone?”
Noel cocked an eyebrow at her. “What do you mean?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to tell you about this until I knew you better, but around the time that we met, I had a dream where I was sitting in the apartment above the barn – where you stayed the first few times you were here – and in the dream, someone was making me supper. I’m pretty sure, now, that it was you because the black panther was in the dream, too. At first, it was Bear but the next time I looked down, it was Shadow and he was talking to me.”
Noel looked at her fixedly, his eyes focused like those of a bird of prey. “You dreamt of Shadow?”
“Yes. Is that disturbing to you?”
Noel sat back in amazement. “Not disturbing, no. But...nobody else has ever been visited by him. That’s...unique.”
“Well, I’m not sure it was Shadow so much as it was you, transformed. You seemed to switch from human to panther and back again. It was pretty convoluted.”
“Mmm.”
“Anyway, you were staying in the loft, like permanently, in the dream. And I...well, we were more than friends, you could just tell from how familiar we were with each other. And we said we loved each other,” she whispered, almost embarrassed to say it.
Noel looked over at her and their eyes met for an eternal second. “I do love you,” he said softly. “But I don’t want you to mistake need for love. And if I stay right now, you will. It’s too soon, Lori.”
She looked out the window, forcing herself to not take his words personally, to not take it as a form of rejection. He had just told her he loved her, after all – why should she feel so hollow?
“Besides,” he continued as she firmed her chin, “I really did mean what I said about the cats and Jeret and Lynta. I think we’re getting close to something happening. I think there are others coming soon, Lori. I’ve been seeing flashes of images when I meditate lately. I’ve been seeing other people joining us in the not-too-distant future and I really think I need to be back by the zoo since the cats there are communicating to me as they can.”
Lori studied Noel intently; there was an odd pitch to his voice when he spoke of the others coming that she didn’t know how to interpret. She would have said excitement mixed with fear, perhaps, if it were any other person but Noel speaking. He wasn’t susceptible to fears but he sounded uncharacteristically concerned.
He was looking far off into the distance – one that spoke of not only space but a different time, as well. That made her even more uneasy.
“Noel, are we going to be okay?”
It took him several heartbeats to come back from wherever he was, but he gave her an uncertain smile when he realized her question.
“Don’t worry, Lori. Nothing ever gets better because of worrying.”
It was not what she wanted to hear.
Chapter 20
He left, again. And she turned her thoughts from him and got on with her life. Again. Since she had nothing else to keep her occupied, she turned to putting most of her efforts into training the horses on the property. An undecided November gave way to a true, wintry December and by the middle of the month, there was a good foot of snow on the ground.
This presented a whole new host of challenges that Lori hadn’t considered within the safe confines of August. The snow blower Cody had purchased when they first moved to the farm was immense. While it was self-propelled, it was a heavy piece of machinery and Lori spent several frustrating days attempting to manoeuvre the beast around the property until she got the hang of it. The first day she had tried to start it, she had done so without reading the manual and it hadn’t gone well. Frustrated, she’d come into the house, ready to ask the first man she could get on the phone – be that father, brother, in-law or neighbour – to come help. But then she thought of Noel and all he had said to her of relying on her own strengths and ingenuity and she had put down the receiver.
Instead, she’d found the manual, read how to prepare the engine, and cut a meandering path through the snow to the barn. It was uneven in spots and Lori was soaked through from sweating when all was said and done, but she had accomplished it herself and took immense pride in that. She knew from experience with horse training that the more you practiced something, the easier it became, so she had confidence her paths would get better in time and the snow would not defeat her.
Some would have said that it was a lonely existence for Lori during the short, cold days of that winter and there were times when she would have agreed with them. She was fine in the pitch black of a 6:00 morning because she spent no more time in the house than what was required to heat up a cup of tea, feed the kittens, throw some wood on the furnace and grab a granola bar. She went immediately to the barn after that and spent the rest of the morning in the company of the horses under the dim lights of the aisle ways. The warmth from horseflesh, stacked hay and hard work was enough that Lori saw no reason to head to the house until after the stalls were mucked.
She would grab a quick sandwich or soup for lunch and then begin the concentrated training on all six horses currently in her care. First came Rick’s and Curtis’ horses, since they were her only source of income at present. Curtis’ colt had come a long way since their first disastrous sessions and with Lori doing a million forms of desensitization, he was becoming a calm – yet athletic – young stud. Still, Curtis had asked Lori to keep him longer than the originally-decided 90 days so that the colt was completely ready for the spring. Rick’s mare was a dream to work with in contrast, since she was at the point of refinement in reining. This type of training was past the point of work for Lori – when you had a mare of her calibre under the saddle, it was just plain fun to train them. She spent the dedicated hour each day with the mare working on flying lead changes, spins and sliding stops and inevitably ended their sessions with a huge grin on her face.
She then moved on to the big grey thoroughbred she’d purchased at auction. He was a breeze to train and she’d borrowed an English saddle from Shannon to get him started on the riding portion of his career. As she had mentioned to Noel at the auction in October, she had it in mind to get this gelding in top form for jumping and dressage, with the intention to have Curtis take a look at him. If she could “flip” this one with somebody at Curtis’ level, the gelding could just about pay for next year’s hay on his own.
She wound up the serious training with the flashy little bay mare that had almost gotten away from her at the auction. As she had anticipated, a little more desensitizing had gone a long way with this mare and within the first month, she had settled to a quiet – yet responsive – gaming horse. Lori planned to start setting up barrels and poles in the indoor arena by the end of December and had started to tone the mare up already with a lot of walk-trot-canter transitions. If she was in show form by April, Lori knew several barrel racers who would snatch her up in a heartbeat.
Ebony and Piper Lori always saved for last. They were her darlings and her chance to unwind at the end of the day. It hadn’t taken long for Ebony to remember the things Lori had begun to teach her last year and Piper, of course, was his reliable, “true partner” self. He was bored in the arena, she knew – he’d been there and done so much of that already with her that she was constantly striving to come up with new things to keep him entertained during the winter. She was seriously debating the idea of picking up a calf or two to let him “work” but didn’t exactly relish the thought of upkeep on more livestock. Instead, she settled with getting one of the large inflatable balls they now made for horses and
she and Piper played a one-person version of soccer from one end of the arena to the other.
At least it seemed to keep Piper from going stir-crazy and Lori ended her days exhausted but happy which was always a plus when she tried to go to sleep. It was only then that a true loneliness crept into the house with her and she had to fight to keep the demons at bay. The kittens were certainly a consolation, but if she didn’t hear from her parents or Noel on weekly phone calls, it was hard to ignore the lack of other humans in her life.
Then, too, there were nights when she could swear Cody was there in the room with her. She’d catch a whiff of his cologne or feel a weight pressed up against her leg in the dark and she’d open her eyes, straining to see his form in the shadows. There were even a few times she’d whispered “hey” into the gloom, hoping to get a response, but of course there never was one.
She hoped he was okay with her feelings about Noel. She hoped he understood that she had to move on. But truth be told, she didn’t quite understand it herself.
Nor did she forgive it.
**********
The forecasters had been calling for the blizzard since the day before so Lori had ample opportunity to get into town, purchase more food for the pantry and ensure she had diesel for the generator in case she lost power. She was working with the bay mare when she heard the wind starting to whistle around the dome of the indoor arena so she called an untimely end to the training at an opportune moment and got all the horses safely tucked back into the barn.
The snow and wind blasted her as she made her way back to the arena with hay for Curtis’ stallion, causing her to tuck her head deep into the turtleneck and down vest she was wearing. The flakes were more like stinging pellets of ice with the strong wind and when she saw Bear hunkered down along the breadth of the building she made a beeline to him before returning to the house.
