by Jerry Boyd
“Like you and my Granddaughter are quiet. Sure, Bob, I believe that.”
“Let’s get Snitz and go find you some wheels.”
Snitz wanted to ride in the back. He loves some doggie broadband. All the smells, all the time.
We saw a big chrome cruiser as we hit town. Dingus said, “Met a fella rode a horse like that. Silver conchos all over his tack, looked like he ought to be in a parade. Wore a pretty pair of nickel plated Colts. That never was my style.”
We got to the dealership, and started walking around. I left Snitz in the truck, as I didn’t figure they wanted his comments all over the wheels of their bikes. Dingus found a used KTM Duke. “This might work, looks like it’s seen a few things. Your crew can put me a different color on it, right? I ain’t riding no pumpkin.”
“Topper can square it away for you, no problem.”
About then the salesman found us. News of my ‘inheritance’ must have made the rounds. “Mr. Wilson, good to see you! What can I do for you today?”
“My, ah, Father-in-law, is interested in a motorcycle. Could you loan him a helmet so he could test drive this one?”
“Your Father-in-law, did you say? I have a couple of nice Goldwings over there.”
“I didn’t realize you were hard of hearing. He wants to test drive this bike, do you have a loaner helmet, or not?”
“Coming right up, sir.”
Dingus asked, “Wasn’t that a little rough?”
“You’re looking for a cutting horse. He was trying to sell you a Clydesdale.”
“Now that you put it like that, I understand.”
At least the helmet he brought back fit. Dingus strapped it on, took the keys, and kicked it to life. He took off to the back of the lot, and across the field behind it. The salesman started to stammer. I handed him a C-note. “Silence is golden. How much did I just buy?” He shut up. Dingus found a nice hill, and flew it a little ways. He came back to the lot then. “This’ll do. How much?” He said, reaching for the pouch on his belt. I said, “I’ll get it, Dingus, we can settle up later.”
He saw my hand, palm down, and realized he was making a mistake. “Okay, Bob, let’s do it that way.”
The salesman said, “It’s six thousand dollars.”
I said, “It says fifty five hundred here on this little tag. Your supposed to come down from there, not go up. Since you decided to be a jerk, I’ll give you five thousand, right now, no fancy paperwork to add on BS charges or any of that. If you say you’re going to talk to your manager, we’re going across town to the Honda place. Any questions?”
“No, sir.”
“We need a clean title, an inspection, and they let you guys sell temporary tags, don’t they?”
“Yes. What name should I make the papers in?’
“Dingus Sloan. How long will it take?”
“Thirty minutes, give or take.”
“We’ll be back. Remember, any funny stuff and the deal is off.”
We went over to the insurance agent. They weren’t crazy about insuring Dingus for a bike, but a ridiculous amount of money settled it. We had to get the dealership to fax over the info on it, and then we went to pick it up. Regardless of my earlier threats, they still tried to sell us extended warranties and service plans and who knows what. We did pay extra for Dingus’ helmet. He got grey to match his old Stetson. He followed me to the license office to get his permanent tags. As much as those ladies don’t like me, they liked Dingus. Good thing Dee wasn’t with us. We decided to go get some lunch at Julie’s. Dee and Nikki were pulling in just as we got there. I’m not sure how Dingus learned to ride a motorcycle, but he sure was good. He rode a wheelie across the lot, and pulled up beside Dee. “Like my new hoss, D-lightful?”
“Not quite your color, is it, Space Ranger?”
“Topper can fix that.”
Snitz wasn’t crazy about getting left in the truck again, but a doggie bag fixes a lot of hurt feelings.
Julie met us at the door, “You guys ought to park an RV out back, as much as you eat here.”
I said, “We could go eat at Barb’s, if we’re bothering you.”
“You don’t have to get mean, Bob. You’ve got my servers spoiled with your big tips, anyhow.”
“If you’re sure. Wouldn’t want to offend. What’s the special today?”
“Open faced roast beef sandwich, with mashed potatoes, and choice of veggie.”
“Which spot did you want me to park that RV in? I’ll take mine with green beans.”
Nikki spoke up, “Anything he’s that psyched about has got to be good. Same for me.”
Dee said, “Oh, it is, hun. Can I get corn with mine?”
Julie replied, “Sure. What about you, Dingus?”
“Same for me, with the beans.”
“All right. Did I see you on a motorcycle?”
“You did. Have to see what I can get done about the color, but it sure is fun.”
“Glad I’m not the one worrying about you boys. I think the usual table is open, if you want it. I know what Bob and Nikki drink, what do you two want?”
Dingus said, “Glass of tea would sure be nice, ma’am.”
Dee chimed in, “Sounds good for me too, Julie.”
The cook had always claimed he used his Grandma’s recipe for the gravy, but whoever’s recipe it was, it was just as good as ever. We finished up and headed out. Dee and Dingus were talking, so I got a head start. I was about halfway between John’s and our place when Snitz alerted. I turned around, and called Nikki, telling her to divert to John’s. When I got there, I told Snitz to find Max, and called Topper. “Yes, Boss?”
“Is there a saucer visiting?”
“Let me scan, Boss. Yes, there’s one idling in the front yard. Should I see what they want?”
“Let them be, Topper. We’ll be there shortly.”
John came out to see what was going on, just as Dingus rode up. He said, “Nice bike, Dingus. What’s the deal, Bob.”
“Topper says I have a saucer idling in my front yard. It’s probably the Patrol, with Dee’s bounty papers, but I don’t think we can assume that, do you?”
Dingus said, “What we did yesterday worked pretty well. I’ll get a saucer, you boys find everybody a stunner.”
Dee and Nikki rolled up as John and I were coming back with stunners. I handed them a pair, and said, “There’s a saucer idling in our front yard. We’re gonna use the same plan as yesterday, only John’s not a hostage this time. It’s probably just the Patrol with Dee’s bounty papers, but I’d rather be sure.”
Dee said, “Got it, Caveman. Tell us when you need us to make an entrance.”
She drove off to get in position.
Dingus hovered the saucer in front of the porch and hollered, “Get in boys!”
We jumped on, and Dingus took off. He didn’t bother closing the door, so we laid in front of it to get a steady aim. I heard Dingus call out to Dee, “Hit it, D-lightful!”
Shortly, I was staring down my stunner at a shocked looking Patrol courier. She raised her hands, looking scared. John and I raised our stunners, and Dingus landed. We got out, and saw Nikki still covering the courier. She said, “See what she wants, but don’t get in my line of fire.”
I stepped a little closer, stunner pointed at the ground. I asked, “What can we do for the Patrol today?”
“I have paperwork for a Dee Sloan. I was told I could find her here.”
“Sounds legit to me, Space Cadet. What do you think?”
“I think I’m impressed she didn’t pee all over the porch when we came in hot. Sorry for the show, but just yesterday we had a couple of Guide deserters try to start stuff.”
“It’s okay. I’ve heard stories about you guys. How did you know I was here?”
“Your saucer is still loud. Our dog told us.”
“I don’t hear anything. What’s a dog?”
“The sound is too high pitched for a human to hear, but some animals can. Just a tip, don�
��t try to hide in a cave on this planet till you get the noise fixed. A dog is a domesticated canine. We keep them as companion animals.”
“May I see it?”
“Your saucer is idling. He really doesn’t like the noise. We had to leave him at the other place.”
“I think I understand. Is one of you Dee Sloan?”
Dee got out of her car, and came to the porch when things settled down. She said, “I am.”
“Could you acknowledge this funds transfer, please?”
Nikki had her stunner slung, and was standing beside Dee. She said, “May I?”
Dee replied, “Of course.”
Nikki looked it over, and stated, “This is in order. The Guide really wanted those idiots.”
Dee said, “I accept this arrangement.”
The courier said, “I’ll be going, then.”
I said, “Call ahead, next time. We’ll try to be more hospitable.”
“I’ll keep that in mind. Goodbye.”
Nikki was fiddling with her watch. Her stunner came up almost of its own accord. “Hold right there. Do not move. Bob, get that saucer under cover, now!”
Dingus jumped aboard, and I ran to open the barn. When I got the doors open, I called “Boys, saucer coming in with a tracker. Need it shut down, right frickin’ now!”
“Yes, Boss!” came a chorus.
Dingus sat it down, and killed power. The boys swarmed it, removed a panel, and killed the tracker. Taz threw it to me. He asked, “Do you want this one quiet while we’re at it? Only take a minute or two.”
“Go ahead, fix the teaching machine while you’re into it.”
Nikki and Dee brought the courier to the barn under guard. Nikki said, “Sorry, Caveman, I should have checked sooner.”
“Did the Air Force get a fix on us?”
“I don’t see any planes airborne. I don’t think they could pick up the signal when the saucer was grounded.”
“That’s good, at least.” I turned to the courier. “Dingus, do we have one of those truth gizmos?”
“Yes, Bob. I even had the boys fix it so it’s not a torture device.”
“Could you get it, please?”
The courier shouted, “What are you people doing? You have no right to detain a member of the Patrol!”
Dingus got back with the truth machine. “I am Colonel Slongum of the Guide, and I am about tired of you uppity Patrol snots. Sit your butt down and answer some questions.”
“Dingolus Slongum? But you’re...”
“Yes, I was. Now I’m found, and in your face.”
He put the apparatus on her, and asked, “Were you sent here with the intention of getting us shut down by the government of this planet?”
“No. I’m here to deliver her money, that’s all.”
I showed her the tracker. “What do you know about this?”
“Nothing. I’ve never seen it before. What is it?”
“A tracker, on a frequency our local forces can follow. The last people who came here with one of those got shot down.”
“By you?”
“No, by the forces of our government. They don’t know about our operation, and we’re trying to keep it that way.”
I asked Dingus, “Well?”
“Green lights all the way, Bob. She didn’t know squat about that tracker.”
I pulled the headgear off and said, “Sorry. People trying to get us killed or imprisoned all the time gets old.”
“I can see how it would. Hey, wait a minute, I don’t have a headache.”
“Dingus said he had the boys fix it. Do they give you Patrol types a course in not listening, or does it just come naturally?”
“You people know how to keep those things from giving headaches? That’s wonderful!”
“We’ll tell Snitz you said thanks. The boys fixed the teaching machine in your saucer while we were taking care of the tracker. You can go now, if you want.”
“You say I could’ve gotten shot down on the way back?”
“It’s pretty easy to outrun one of their missiles, but they got those deserters, so it’s possible.”
“Thanks for getting rid of that thing then. What will you do with it?”
“Oh, we have plenty. Take it if you want it.”
“No, thanks.”
As she flew away, I said, “Better call Mike, let him know we shit in his oatmeal again.”
I dialed the comm, and Mike answered. “I don’t have any dry cleaning today.”
“Your courier was just here. Her saucer had a tracker on board. We found it, and we were a little upset. She may be a little bent out of shape that we used a truth machine on her, even if it was fixed for no headaches.”
“I see what you mean, sir. That is a very good sale. I’ll keep you in mind.”
“Later, Mike.”
Nikki asked, “What did he say?”
“Not much, I was his dry cleaner again.”
“Should we call Tina, too.”
“Probably. What do you think John? Mike and Tina, should we review that decision?”
John just sung, “Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ on the river”.
I dialed Tina. “Mr. Wilson, I don’t have long, what do you need?”
“One of your couriers was just here. Her saucer had a tracker on board. We disabled it, and used a truth machine to make sure she had nothing to do with it. Thought you might want to know before she got back.”
“Thanks, I’ve got to go.”
“Must be busy at the Patrol today. Nobody has time to talk.”
John said, “I hope their busy day doesn’t spill over on us.”
I replied, “Yeah, me too.”
Suddenly I noticed the barn looked different. The boys had finished about a third of the floor, and put up the racks to hold the junk saucers. They were working on the middle third of the floor. Topper came over. “Is this what you wanted, sir?”, he asked Dingus.
“You’ve done very well. Would you be able to look at another project this afternoon?”
“Certainly, sir. Do you have it with you?”
“No. I’ll have to go get it.”
“Call me when you need me, sir.”
Topper went back to work. Dingus turned to John and me. “You boys want a ride back?”
I said, “Thanks.”
We collected the stunners from John’s and headed back over. I jumped out to open the barn, and Dingus parked. We went up to the house. Dingus started his bike, and Snitz came running. He took off following Dingus towards our place. Dingus noticed him, and kept his speed down. I said, “I better follow them in case Snitz gets tired. See you later.”
Snitz stayed with Dingus the whole way home, but he went and laid on the porch when he got there. Dingus rode to the barn. I expected to get a shopping list from Topper shortly. I let Snitz in the house, and filled his water. At least I thought I did, when I looked again it was empty. I gave him another round, and went to see what Nikki was up to.
My phone rang. “Bob Wilson, what can I do for you today?”
“Bob, it’s Joshua. Thought you might want to know, there was a fella looking for you here. I sent him out to your new place, but he seemed to be afoot. Don’t know what he wanted, he just said he needed your help with something.”
“Thanks, Joshua. I’ll see if I can locate this fella and figure out what his problem is.”
Snitz hid under the couch. I stepped outside and made follow me motions as I walked to the shop and raised the door. He set it down and killed drive. As he faded in, I ran the door down. A panicked looking fella came out asking, “Are you Bob Wilson?”
“I am. What seems to be the problem?”
“My partner was bitten by an animal. She’s not doing well.”
I started the door back up and herded him back on the saucer. “Our medic is at the other house. Start it up and I’ll fly us there.” He unlocked his panel, and I took off. I got John on the comm, and said, “Open the garage, I’ve got one for
you. Looks like snakebite.”
“On it.”
We got there before the door was all the way up. When I had room, I pulled in and shut it down. I grabbed the patient, and carried her out. John pulled up her pants legs and found the bite. “Snake sure enough. The autodoc should be able to handle it.”
I carried her inside and downstairs. John got the machine ready, while I took her clothes off. I asked, “Wouldn’t it be more convenient to be able to just dump trauma cases in, even if the machine had to tear up their clothes?”
“You’d think so, but I guess the people who build the machine don’t think that way.”
We got her going, and John said the machine had a good prognosis for her. Her partner wasn’t looking so good.
Once we got him upstairs, he began to calm down a little. “Will she be alright? I didn’t know what to do.”
John said, “You got her here quick enough. She should have a full recovery. Try to calm down, and tell me what happened.”
I went to find Max. “Have we got another one of those scanners Nikki uses to check for trackers?”
“I’ve got mine. What do you need, Bob?”
“Come out to the garage and scan this ship for me. I think it’s probably clean, but I also think we need to make it policy that every saucer that comes in gets a scan.”
“Sounds like a good idea, the way things have been going lately.”
Max scanned, the saucer was clean. We went back to the house. Max recognized the patient’s partner. “Mickolec, how are you?”
“I’ve been better, Regimax. My rookie partner wanted to see this primitive planet we’ve been hearing so much about lately. I set down in as remote a place as I could find, thinking she couldn’t get into any trouble there. And then she gets bitten by an animal. A venomous animal, at that. Maybe I should go on reserve status, like you. I don’t seem up to field ops any more.”
Max winced a little at that last part, but he didn’t let it into his voice. “John here is a dang good medic. He can patch her up if anyone can.”
My phone rang, and I moved to the other room to answer. “Caveman! Where are you?”
“I’m at John’s. Sorry, I had to leave in a hurry. Patient in a bad way, had to get her to John.”
“How did you find out about it?”
