by Jerry Boyd
“If you boys have pretty much settled on this option, why did you show me the others?”
“We didn’t know how you wanted to balance power and handling. Some people seem to think anything but a Nissan engine is just wrong. We won’t be cutting up a restorable car, but still, you might have qualms.”
“Boys, I’m worried about being able to drive it every day. A nice modern engine is going to help that a lot. I don’t have to beat every car I meet, but I want some respect. I like a car that can handle the twistys. Your ‘Mustang in a Datsun wrapper’ looks like the way to go to me.”
“We’ll get on that, then. Do you concur, Boss?”
“Make the lady happy, Topper.”
“One more thing, if I may, Ma’am?”
“Sure, Topper. What?”
He put up a hologram of a finished car in a beautiful blue and grey paint scheme. “Will this do?”
Joanna hugged him. “That’s wonderful! Of course it will do.”
When she let him go, he asked, “Boss, may I discuss a few things with you?”
I waived as the ladies left to go back to the house. “What’s up, Topper?”
“We found a ‘title with rust attached’, but it’s a long way away.”
“How far?”
“Alabama. We have a plan, but it’s a little complicated.” He put up a picture of a car hauler with a tip bed. “We found this for sale nearby. Carfax says it has good maintenance and no accidents. It will fit in the freighter, even loaded.”
“You’re saying buy this hauler, fly it to Alabama in the freighter, buy the Datsun, load it on the truck, and then drive the whole mess back on the freighter?”
“Yes, Boss. With the grav pallet, the truck could also be useful recovering saucers.”
“What would I do without you three? That’s a plan, Topper. Text me the data on that hauler, and I’ll get started in the morning.”
I walked back to the house. Of course, Snitzelvania needed an inspection before bedtime. That taken care of, Nikki and I went to bed.
For once, I was awakened by the smell of coffee, rather than an ear lick. Snitz wasn’t in the room. Curiouser and curiouser. I took care of business, and wandered out to the kitchen. Dee and Dingus were sitting at the table. Dingus spoke up. “I took Snitz out for his morning rounds.”
“Thanks.”
I got a cup of coffee and sat down. I got around about half of it before my comm told me I had a message. As I was pulling it up, Dee’s did the same thing. Mine was from John, asking if I wanted to go with him when he signed the papers for Shady Oaks. I sent back that I would. Dee said, “I knew this freedom wouldn’t last! John wants me to take charge of Shady Oaks once he takes possession this morning. How am I going to find good people? I need a crew I can trust.”
I said, “Nikki can probably get a computer search going once she wakes up. Aren’t you gonna need some records if you’re gonna do a format change?”
“I’ll find you some, Johnny. Just remember your name, okay?”
“I love Cincinnati this time of year!”
From around the corner we heard, “I hate morning people, even if they do listen to good radio stations. What are you volunteering me for this time, Caveman?”
“Dee needs to recruit a crew to turn Shitty Oaks into Mighty Oaks. I told her you might be able to help with a computer search.”
“Not before coffee, I can’t”
I got her a cup . “What else, your hienieness?”
“How are you so awake already?”
“I got to sleep in, for once. Dingus took Snitz out.”
Dee got up to start breakfast, saying, “We better get going. What with waking Randi up, and signing those papers, it’s going to be a busy morning.”
Lyla and Joanna made it indoors before breakfast was ready. They looked like they hadn’t slept well.
Dingus asked, “Worried about your sister?”
“Yes. I know John will take good care of her, but I still worry.”
“She’s your little sister, it would be strange if you didn’t worry”, Dee said.
“I suppose, but it feels like I should trust John more. He saved my life, after all.”
I said, “I’m sure he doesn’t take it that way. It’s not the first time he’s dealt with anxious family members.”
Dingus added, “Soon enough it will all be taken care of. Feelings are never logical, anyway.”
We ate, and I took Snitz down to stay with the boys. When I got back, we piled into vehicles to go to John’s. Dee and Dingus rode Sunshine, of course. Everyone else got in Nikki’s rig. We arrived to see John, Max, and Micky on the porch drinking coffee. John stood, and said, “Okay, Lyla and Micky can be with me when I wake her. Everybody else stay upstairs, she’s going to be stressed enough as it is.”
We waited to see how things came out. I noticed Joanna had her fingers crossed, Dee went to comfort her. John came out of the basement. “She’s fine, they’ll be up in a minute.”
Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
We could hear Lyla, “See what I mean about being careful on planets you’re not familiar with? If John and Bob weren’t here, you could have been in bad shape.”
Randi came back with, “So letting somebody sabotage your saucer and almost kill you is fine, then?”
John said, “They’re sisters, alright.”
Micky emerged from the basement, shaking his head. “Glad to get out of there. Those two are something else.”
Lyla came out first, gave John a hug and a kiss on the cheek, and then gave me the same. “Thank you guys for saving Random, over there.”
“Random?”
“Free nickname with your first visit, company policy, right? Leave it to you guys she’d be Randi, makes her sound like the lot lizard at this interstellar truck stop.”
John looked at me. “I believe we are busted, sir.”
“I believe you are correct. Random it is.”
Random emerged at that point. “I don’t care what you call me, as long as I’m here to hear it. Thanks for your help.”
John tried to shake her hand. She blew right by that, and went straight for tongue wrestling. John looked a little dazed when she let him up. She came at me, and I said, “Careful, there. I’m a married man, and she’s the jealous type.”
Nikki said, “Oh, go on Caveman. She won’t break anything.”
I still wasn’t sure about it, but Random was.
When she came up for air, I said, “”Well, it’s good to see you’re feeling better.”
Lyla said, “Didn’t you take the course on native wildlife? How did you get bitten?”
Random answered, “We weren’t going to be here that long, and the training hurts so bad, Mickolec said it would be okay.”
I wheeled on Micky. “Don’t you EVER read your bulletins?”
“You mean that nonsense about sound you can’t hear causing training headaches? What kind of idiocy is that?”
I had had all the Galactic arrogance I could take. The unarmed training Dingus left must have been pretty good, because my first punch laid him out. I looked at John. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have done that in your house.
He replied, “Saved me the trouble. He needed it. Lyla, put your sis in the chair and let’s fix this problem.”
Lyla said, “Come on, Random. See how we do things in civilization.”
John hooked her up, and started the course she should have had before she set foot on the planet.
Dingus asked me, “So you found time for that unarmed course I left you?”
“Yes, I did.”
“Works good. He’s out cold. Likely he’ll be mad when he wakes up.”
“You’re breaking my heart. That idiot almost killed his partner by being too stubborn to try to fix their teaching machine.”
“You’re right, Bob. He won’t see it that way.”
“I know. We weren’t going to charge them anyway, since they’re Guide. What else can we do?”
“You could apologize.”
“How much trouble can he cause us?”
Nikki spoke up, “Not as much as he thinks he can. My badge was running. I won’t send the file to headquarters unless he starts something, but I stashed several copies if he tries to erase it.”
Dingus said, “This Caveman is rubbing off on you, Granddaughter. I like it.”
John came in with smelling salts. “Let’s get this over with. You want to cover him with a stunner, Dingus?”
“Might be best.”
Dingus grabbed one out of the closet by the door. He pointed it at Micky, and said, “Go ahead, John.”
Micky came up sputtering. Dingus said, “Easy there. I don’t want to have to stun you. You were in the wrong and you know it. Regulations mandate the native wildlife course any time you set down on a planet, not just when it’s convenient. Regulations mandate that bulletins are NOT to be ignored, regardless of who you think you are. I may be retired, but I still have enough pull to have you cleaning sanitary facilities with your toothbrush for the rest of your natural life.”
“Who in the hell do you think you are, to speak to me like that?”
“Colonel Dingolus Slongum, Guide, retired. Any other questions, punk?”
“And you are going to allow this primitive to get away with striking me? Why is he not restrained?”
“The only reason he struck you and I didn’t, is that he was standing closer to you. Your actions are not justifiable.
You endangered the life of your partner through your own incompetence. I’m considering having words with him for only striking you once. You certainly deserve more.”
“It’s your word against mine, you ridiculous case of freezer burn.”
“My Granddaughter recorded the whole incident. She’s already stored certified copies of the video in several safe locations. Headquarters need not see your idiocy, unless you decide to pursue this nonsense.”
“Nonsense! I was struck by a primitive supposedly under your control!”
“Bob is his own man, and he happens to be the one who figured out how to fix the teaching machines. You were not only in the wrong for endangering your partner, you were insulting his work.”
“I still don’t believe his ridiculous crap about sound causing headaches.”
“You will. You are going to take the training you should have taken before you leave this house. John, is she done?”
John replied, “Just finishing up, Dingus.”
Dingus ordered, “Get up, see for yourself.”
Dingus marched him in to where the machine was set up. John hooked him up. Random said, “Really, Mickolec, they’ve fixed it so it doesn’t hurt.” John hit the button.
When he came out of it, he said, “I took your training, now what?”
John asked, “How do you feel?”
“I feel fine, stupid primitive.”
I saw John draw back, and grabbed his arm. “That teaching method doesn’t work on this one. Not civilized enough.”
Dingus asked, “What did you say, Micky?”
“I said I feel fine!”
“What kind of snake bit Random?”
“A diamondback rattler.”
“You try, Nikki, I can’t get through to him.”
Nikki said, “Mickolec, you have the knowledge of the local fauna, and you don’t have a headache.”
He said, “So?” Then it struck him what she said. “I’m an idiot, aren’t I?”
She said, “Yes. But now you know.”
He turned to me. “Mr. Wilson, I’m sorry I insulted your work. This is amazing. How did you figure it out?”
“Did your course cover dogs?”
He thought a moment. “Domesticated wolf. Common companion animal. Known to dislike our aircraft. That one?”
“Indeed. They also have hearing that extends to higher frequencies than humans. We got to checking into why our dog disliked saucers, and found the noise. We fixed that. Then we noticed he didn’t like teaching machines either. Sure enough, they were putting out the same kind of noise. We wondered if perhaps that was causing the headache, and fixed the noise. The headache went away. You folks would have found it easily, if you had domesticated wolves instead of starting the Guide.”
“Starting the Guide? I… oh the wolves helped your people keep watch at night.”
“Micky, I’m sorry I hit you. The Patrol around these parts has me pretty fed up, and you were just acting like another arrogant Galactic.”
“I was being stupid and set in my ways. Hazard of life extension.”
“Come on, let’s get a cup of coffee.”
“What’s coffee?”
Nikki said, “You’ll like it, Mickolec.”
Not long after that, John came out of his room in his suit. “Bob, do you need to run by your place?”
“I do. It’s that time already?”
“It is. You coming, Dee?”
“I’ll need to change as well. But I want to see this.”
Micky asked, “What’s happening now?”
Nikki said, “John is buying a local retirement home, in hopes of giving it better management. Dee has agreed to run it for him.”
“And Bob?”
“He’s John’s business partner. He’s mostly going for moral support.”
We got in John’s Wagoneer, and went by our place to get changed. I took my truck to town, since I needed to get back, and they would probably have a lot to do.
At the lawyer’s office, things went smoothly. It seems the company that had been running Shady Oaks had been trying and failing to make a profit off it for several years. They were more than happy to find a buyer. John transferred their money, and their faces lit up. Given how they had run the place, I wasn’t sure how to feel about that. Then John transferred the lawyer his cut, and Shark Week came early. When our lawyer settled down, he asked us to stay after the meeting for a few minutes. When the sellers had said their goodbyes, he said, “I see now why Mrs. Mayfield can’t go through with trying to get her competency reinstated. The amount of business you fellows bring my way makes it against my interest to be too curious, but I must say, you’re looking well, ma’am. In checking into the filing for guardianship, I found a few things you may not be aware of. Mrs. Mayfield, you have a number of safety deposit boxes, correct?”
Dee, apparently seeing no need to keep up a charade here, said, “I do.”
“Your son has informed the banks involved of his guardianship. You will not be allowed to access them, even with the keys.”
Dee smoldered, but kept her temper. “That, sir, is unfortunate. I perceive you must have a solution in mind, or you wouldn’t have brought this up.”
“My investigator was able to find sizable cash payments from your son to both the psychiatrist and the judge involved in the guardianship hearing. Sadly, the information could not be obtained legally, so it is not admissible. It does, however, tell us that these two can be bought, so that theoretically, at least, we could get the order reversed.”
“How would we insure they stay bought?”
“That’s the problem.”
John spoke up. “As you have just seen, we have considerable financial resources at our disposal. Would it be possible to set up rather large accounts in each of their names in the Caymans, and explain to them they can do as we want, and receive the information to access the accounts, or fail to do so, and have the existence of the accounts revealed to the press.”
“Sir, you are a nasty man! I like it very much.”
“If you would be so kind as to send me their details, I’ll see to getting the accounts set up. I’m assuming that since this little scheme is of questionable legality, you won’t want to be involved?”
“You are righting a miscarriage of justice, but sadly, you are correct, the Bar Association would not see it that way.”
“That’s perfectly all right. I have other people who I can call on who are not so constrained. How much retainer do y
ou need for this to be attorney client privilege?”
“I can designate part of what you’ve already paid me as a retainer for the rest of the year, no problem.”
“It’s a pleasure doing business with you.”
We took our leave, and went to Shady Oaks. I wanted to see the fireworks before I continued my busy day. John had hired a doctor he knew as medical director. He was waiting for us in the parking lot. I hung back a little as the three of them hit the doors like MacArthur returning to the Philippines. John strode to the front desk. “I’d like to speak with whoever is in charge, please.”
“That would be Mr. Abernathy. Do you have an appointment?”
I’ve played poker with John. His ‘winning hand’ tell was lit up, but no one who didn’t know him would have a clue. He said, “Having just purchased this establishment, I don’t believe I need one.”
“I’m sorry, sir, did you say you are the new owner of Shady Oaks?”
“I did. Does the medical plan here not cover hearing aids? I’ll have to fix that.”
It took a second for John’s zinger to sink in. She turned red as a beet, and then picked up the phone. “Mr. Abernathy, I have a man out here claiming to be the new owner, would you care to speak with him?”
She turned to John, “Mr. Abernathy will be right out.”
“That he will.”
“When that one sunk in, her eyes got big as saucers.”
A fine specimen of the species, Bureaucrattis Buttheadis, soon appeared. “What is the meaning of this?” He sputtered.
John replied, “It means you have thirty minutes from right now to clear out your desk. Any questions?”
Abernathy began winding up for more bluster. John said, “Bob, would you be so kind as to call Jack? I think he could smooth this over.”
“Certainly.”
I dialed, “Jack, it’s Bob. You working today?”
“I am. You ready to turn yourself in?”
“John just bought Shady Oaks. The old director seems to be having trouble understanding he’s been fired. Do you suppose you could roll by and explain it to him?”
